Wedding Etiquette Forum

NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.

This is long, but I swear to you this is worth it. This puts bridezilla emails to shame. 

Background links:

Brief summary of the links above: Best man is asking the groomsman to pay $150-300 each for the bachelor party when most of them are broke. His plans on how to spend this money is wack. There is a groomsman forwarding me emails for my amusement/horror. 

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This is an email that the best man sent to the groomsmen yesterday (note we all graduated years ago):

Best Man: New idea to mull over. How would people feel about doing the bachelor party in INSERT IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE THAT IS SEVEN HOURS DRIVE AWAY at INSERT FRATERNITY? I should be able to negotiate with the guys to allow us to stay there and do the whole party for free, or for like $1g at most. We could also do it at INSERT NEARBY TOWN, but it would be better at a house that doesn't suck. (Come at me brah!) This way we save money, but can still do it big. As far as expense goes one of the days we could rent a bus and do a wine tour which basically involves going to 3-4 wineries, buying wine for about $4 a bottle and laying in these amazing fields getting trashed. I also have stripper contacts and whatnot so if we wanted to do that stuff we could, or we can just hit on college girls taking summer classes. If we do this over July 4th weekend (Going up the night of the 3rd and coming back on the 7th.) would that work for everyone?  
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(Note my FI's birthday is within that time period so I wouldn't get to see him on his birthday AND I would be in a city where I know nearly no one on 4th of July.)
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Groomsman1 who is snitching (and sane) responds: No thank you.
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Best Man: Why?
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Groomsman1: 1. july 4th 2. frat house 3. INSERT LOCATION. the fact is, although this might seem fun to you, it doesn't to me and definitely won't to FI. i suggest we do something in the city. I can look ahead at events. Can go whiskey tasting, out to bars/lounges, and possibly a strip club. Shvit that FI might enjoy.
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Best Man: To clarify, none of the brothers are in the house over the summer so all this means is that we would have a mansion with a huge yard to ourselves for the July 4th weekend, as well as the entire countryside of Ithaca which is incredible over the summer since there are gorges and crazy vineyards. Also finally, I have been talking to FI the whole time and the big thing he wants to avoid is going to clubs and being annoyed by the music. He was big in favor of the Beach House idea, but is averse to us spending the money on that since in his words he's "Rather us spend $8,000 on booze and cigars for him. You have to keep in mind that this is not for a typical person getting married, it's FI, so we should be doing things that appeal to him. If we stayed in NY we would probably do something along the lines of steakhouse dinner, cigars at Nat Sherman and Strip Club, but with your guys budget restraints that would be difficult as well.
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(*All of these comments about FI are an out and out lie. FI told best man explicitly that he would prefer to stay in NYC (where everyone lives) and does not want anyone to spend outrageous amounts of money. He told him his ideal would be to sit around drinking beers and playing videogames at someone's apartment. Also, how anyone would spend nearly $300 each going out to bars in NYC when every single participant lives in Manhattan is beyond me.)
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Groomsman2: I'd like for us to, before we try to hammer out the specific choices here, talk a bit about our bachelor party philosophy and goals, so we can talk about which plans meet them best.
As far as my own thinking, I feel like bachelor parties have two sometimes conflicting goals. The first is: to make sure the guest of honor has an amazing, legendary time and send-off. The second is: to make sure he does bachelor party shvit while he still can, whether he wants to or not. I feel like all groomsmen groups will have different levels of each in mind.
We've been doing a good job talking about the first, and I'm in that boat too--I want to make sure FI has an awesome time. I feel like it's our duty to also observe the second principle, though. And we've been doing a good job tailoring our "let's make sure FI has a good time" thinking to who FI actually is. I agree that FI probably won't want to go to a club--I can't remember seeing him have a good time in a club environment once, but someone may be able to remind me of one time. The times I've seen FI happiest while hanging out with us were at awesome big house parties or just low-key roof/pong jams. That puts me in mind of something like that. But of course, we need to make sure it's a mfing *bachelor party*. I think Best Man's stripper considerations are probably good ones--what other kind of shvit can we do there? Maybe some serious drinking competition type shvit, I feel like bombs and shots should be shooting around, but seriously, what other kind of bachelor-party specific shvit is there? If we have several days we can plan a lot of cool shvit.
The second principle is also a complete counter to FI's "just buy me 8000 dollars worth of svhit" deal. Nah bro! Sorry! You're gonna have a fuvcking bachelor party! So we just have to plan the best bachelor party possible regardless of that principle.
With all this in mind, I'd point out that some plans limit our ability to rock the shvit out of these goals more than others. Going to a club gives us way less control than being at a house we can set up as we like. I was initially very skeptical of the Ithaca idea, because I thought it'd be more fratted up, like a party or something. But if we just get that bigazs house to ourselves, it sounds like it could be cool, and we can rock the svvhit out of that environment with plans and festivities.
But I totally want to hear conflicting philosophies and points.
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I just... I can't. I don't even know what to say. 
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Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.

  • Ughhh that's crazy. Hopefully the other guys continue to reel it in. Sounds like the other two have a decent mind set on everything. Hope it works out!
  • $8,000 on a bach party? hell no.

    Also... a frat house hitting on barely legal students? WTF?

    This is crazy.
    image
  • Why is this guy your FI's best man?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:63d03f14-79ae-4577-9bf7-d35a36e5f5f7">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why is this guy your FI's best man?
    Posted by Megan+Adam[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think this is one of those instances where power can do crazy things to people. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, he was president of his fraternity so I'm not entirely sure he knows how to plan any other type of event. </div><div>
    </div><div>At this point all I can do is laugh.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:6f875f18-6f71-4048-84cb-3e02145afa75">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ughhh that's crazy. Hopefully the other guys continue to reel it in. Sounds like the other two have a decent mind set on everything. Hope it works out!
    Posted by Gustafson28[/QUOTE]

    <div>Groomsman1? Sane.</div><div>
    </div><div>Groomsman2? I disagree. I don't think anyone needs to discuss at length the philosophy behind a bachelor party. Just throw a damn party. Also, FI has said ad naseum that he does not want strippers or clubs of any kind. </div>
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  • Sounds like the BM/GM are going through some type of quarter (ish, not sure of the ages) life crisis.

    I know people aren't supposed to plan their own parties, but could your FI sit down with his more reasonable groomsmen and figure out something he would actually enjoy, then the groomsmen can present it and just be like, "Hey, this is what we're doing, end of story."? (If that's bad advice, or just won't work, sorry!  I just would not be able to take a best man being so ridiculous.

    Sorry for your FI, and you.  This sounds like such a weird situation to deal with.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:0ec562ed-3c9a-431d-88fe-bf3b23857a68">Re:NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The idea of forcing a guy to do "bachelor things" whether he wants to or not is so idiotic and childish. It's actually why H refused to have strippers at his b party. His words "watching chicks writhe around naked onstage? Hot. Having the elastic ripped out of my underwear and used as a bridle while naked chicks ride me around onstage in front of a bunch of horny guys? Disturbing."
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Precisely. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:67ed02e1-ec3f-48b6-9485-753420e50923">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like the BM/GM are going through some type of quarter (ish, not sure of the ages) life crisis. I know people aren't supposed to plan their own parties, but could your FI sit down with his more reasonable groomsmen and figure out something he would actually enjoy, then the groomsmen can present it and just be like, "Hey, this is what we're doing, end of story."? (If that's bad advice, or just won't work, sorry!  I just would not be able to take a best man being so ridiculous. Sorry for your FI, and you.  This sounds like such a weird situation to deal with.
    Posted by dtbluv[/QUOTE]

    <div>I want him to send a blanket email to all the groomsmen saying something like, "Hey guys, sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds, but spending this year out of NYC has really made me miss the city. Would you all mind if we kept the party in Manhattan? We could do something low-key, which I think is probably more our style anyway."</div><div>
    </div><div>But he's still holding out hope that the guys will work it out themselves. I think he's really uncomfortable dictating plans for the bachelor party, but at this point I don't really see what other better options he has. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:764db2b9-5135-4582-bbf4-b36cb184a211">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This. : <strong> I want him to send a blanket email to all the groomsmen saying something like, "Hey guys, sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds, but spending this year out of NYC has really made me miss the city. Would you all mind if we kept the party in Manhattan? We could do something low-key, which I think is probably more our style anyway."</strong> But he's still holding out hope that the guys will work it out themselves. I think he's really uncomfortable dictating plans for the bachelor party, but at this point I don't really see what other better options he has. 
    Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]
    I think it's fine to send something like that... it's not specific and if the best man is the only guy that wants this raging frat-style weekend, then the other guys might be grateful.
    image
  • I'm so sorry. As for expense the only way I can honestly see this being $300 plus a person was if they wanted to go to a fancy steakhouse for dinner (Peter Lugers) or needed to buy bottles for a table at a club. This is probably the only way a bunch of guys could get in. But clearly your FI doesn't want either of those things so that doesn't apply
  • I mean. I think Groomsman2 and Bestman suck. But I'm kind of amazed that any men are throwing around these emails like this. I can't imagine FI even typing a 3-sentence email about a bachelor party, let alone reading all of that. And I KNOW his groomsmen are not going to have any plans other than going to a boobie bar and getting wasted. They're all really pumped up about it because FI doesn't drink, so. He gets to be the DD. His bachelor party is not really for him at all. It's for the groomsmen.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:76e257d3-10df-4353-9a17-a6490cafba1c">Re:NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would stay out of it completely. If the guys get the idea that FI is pushing for a NYC party to please YOU it will just unite them, making it more likely that BM will get his way and less likely that your FI will get a party he truly enjoys.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


    Agreed. FI had big bparty drama planning too. But luckily he has some good level headed friends who overruled the BM and took it upon themselves to plan something and write the email of "this is what's happening"
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:7e5b194d-e83c-4981-80c7-ab477a0dfff5">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I did spend a 4th of July in ithaca. Fun times. I did see bach. party buses at the wineries there, but sadly that is not what the best man is looking for. This is just crazy for a bach. party and so many things wrong. Between the amount of money, spending time at a frat house, hitting on barely legal women. Does the best man even have a job?
    Posted by snippet17[/QUOTE]

    <div>Best man makes the most money (works in marketing) and lives at home by choice to save money for fun shenanigans like these!! (note the sarcasm at the word fun)</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:76e257d3-10df-4353-9a17-a6490cafba1c">Re:NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would stay out of it completely. If the guys get the idea that FI is pushing for a NYC party to please YOU it will just unite them, making it more likely that BM will get his way and less likely that your FI will get a party he truly enjoys.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oops, sorry. I <em>want</em> FI to send that. I'm staying out entirely, though. </div>
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  • What happened to the days of a bachelor party being a night out with the guys that probably involved a strip club at some piont?  These weekend/weeklong extravaganza's are crazy.  They're planning a 4 or 5 day party (July 2-7?) out of town.  What if your FI doesn't have that much vacation time he wants to spend on the b-party?  I know between taking two days before the wedding to get ready and a 2 week honeymoon right afterwards both H and I were pretty much tapped out of vacation time for the year.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:740f25ee-aad7-4344-972f-2d6597dbc9f5">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]What happened to the days of a bachelor party being a night out with the guys that probably involved a strip club at some piont?  These weekend/weeklong extravaganza's are crazy.  They're planning a 4 or 5 day party (July 2-7?) out of town.  What if your FI doesn't have that much vacation time he wants to spend on the b-party?  I know between taking two days before the wedding to get ready and a 2 week honeymoon right afterwards both H and I were pretty much tapped out of vacation time for the year.
    Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed on all counts. Especially since FI is actually in law school and will likely have an associateship/internship to deal with.</div>
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  • I'm sorry but I am still trying to get over how they talk in their emails.  I could barely understand anything!

    How much does your FI know about what they may or may not be planning?  I think it is time he step up and tell them that he knows they have been going back and forth on a few things but what he would love to do would be to just stay in NYC and have a nice fun night with the guys.

    These guys seem to be planning a party more for themselves then for your FI.

  • I went to college in Ithaca. It is an amazing place in the summer, IF you want a low key, quiet time with great outdoor activities, wine tastings, and nice dinners. It is however dead in the summer, virtually no college girls to hit on. And the residents are quick to call I. A noise complaint about a house party. If they go there, they'll end up drinking wine and kayaking and wondering where all the girls are. I'd just stay out of it, try will work it out themselves.
    image
  • Gustafson28Gustafson28 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:7eb41684-164e-4004-b11e-e5c34846bd37">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This. : Groomsman1? Sane. Groomsman2? I disagree. I don't think anyone needs to discuss at length the philosophy behind a bachelor party. Just throw a damn party. Also, FI has said ad naseum that he does not want strippers or clubs of any kind. 
    Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]




    Lol yeah I agree the philosophy thing was weird. It still sounds like he's trying to resolve it without stepping on BMs toes.
  • courtski2004courtski2004 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    You lost me once Doucheface McGee said 'come at me brah!'.

    Reminds me of:
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:cd967735-9740-4a58-b5f5-cf055a506af4">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]You lost me once Doucheface McGee said 'come at me brah!'. Reminds me of:
    Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]
    ditto
    Praying for a miracle!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-youre-going-to-want-to-read-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c695c64-a343-445a-8c41-a8e55b44d8d4Post:cd967735-9740-4a58-b5f5-cf055a506af4">Re: NER: You're Going to Want to Read This.</a>:
    [QUOTE]You lost me once Doucheface McGee said 'come at me brah!'. Reminds me of:
    Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]

    Yep.  Bra is a term for a ladies undergarment.  Adding an H just makes that person more of a douchecanoe.
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