Wedding Etiquette Forum

"and guest"

Is is required to put "and guest" on the invitations of a single person?

My fiance's Dad has just started dating a women online. YES online. Which is fine and all but we and him have never met this women. They've only been dating 2 weeks via the internet video chat and his Dad is already talking about bringing her to the wedding!!!!

As you know being a fellow bride, weddings are not cheap especially when you break it down per person! This is starting to stress me out.
His Dad is not paying for anything to do with at the wedding. My parents and me & my FI are paying for everything.

Do we have to invite this girlfriend that we never met?!

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Re: "and guest"

  • Noope, not required for truly single people.

    However, does your dad consider miself in a relationship?  If he does, than his gf needs to be invited, even if you've never met her.

    Also, you seem pretty judgemental about the online thing.  I'm going to guess that a lot of people here met their FIs and Hs online.  There's nothing wrong with it as long as you're safe about it.
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  • How does your FI feel about it? 

    I told my mom she could bring a date to our DW and I could have cared less if I knew this person or not.

  • Etiquette dictates that the only people required to have a "and guest" is if they are in a relationship. Wait a littlle bit, they might strengthen their relationship. Or it might bite the big one.
  • Anyone who considers him- or herself to be in a relationship should be invited with the person with whom they are in a relationship, and you should identify that person by name on the invitation, not with "and guest."  If the potential guest does not consider him- or herself to be in a relationship, you don't need to invite them with a guest (however, if you chose to invite him or her with a guest, that's when you'd use the "and guest" designation).
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  • I wouldn't worry so much about the "online, YES online" aspect of his dating life.  Not sure why that is such a big deal?  It's 2012, I think everyone is over the "shame" of online dating.  Really now.

    Etiquette-wise you are not required to invite "truly single" people with a guest, but it's a nice gesture if you are able to.  As a good host, think of the comfort of your guests.  Most social events are more enjoyable with a date.
  • I met my husband online. He's pretty awesome. So am I.
  • If he is dating someone, it's proper etiquette to put Mr. Dad's Name and Ms Girlfriends Name.
    Their means of communication isn't important. So what if they met online? A lot of people here met their SOs that way. I mean, yeah, it might seem strange because they haven't met, yet... but a lot can happen from now until July.
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  • Your wedding is in July.  Just sit on this a little while longer.   If they are still together then yes you should invite her, because by then it will not be 'only known each other 2 weeks'  they would have been together for 6 months.  Which BTW gives you time to meet her.   








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:3d8e2127-9778-4877-9615-e143592b24b4">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I met my husband online. He's pretty awesome. So am I.
    Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

    Me too!  Well, he's not my husband yet.  But we totally met on the interwebs. 

    ETA: And we're also awesome.  But nerdy.  But awesome.
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  • If he considers himself in a relationship with this woman, then yes, she will need to be invited. It would also be nice to include her name on the invitation when it's sent out.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:ec318982-61e1-4076-a495-c531e06723c8">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "and guest" : Me too!  Well, he's not my husband yet.  But we totally met on the interwebs.  ETA: And we're also awesome.  But nerdy.  But awesome.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    <div>Me three!  Awesome people everywhere you go on the web!</div>
  • I am thinking of doing some internet dating myself.  But I'm nervous, bc I do NOT have a thick skin, tho I am trying to become tougher.

    Which dating sites do you guys recommend?
  • I met FI on eHarmony so I'm biased toward them.  I also met a few good guys via match.  Never really met anyone via plentyoffish but a lot of younger people seem to like it (I was 34 when I was dating online).  I'd be terrified to meet anyone off of Craigslist.. too many scary stories out there.
  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:0d941217-3501-44eb-92bc-508548a778df">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am thinking of doing some internet dating myself.  But I'm nervous, bc I do NOT have a thick skin, tho I am trying to become tougher. Which dating sites do you guys recommend?
    Posted by kinsey0628[/QUOTE]

    I met my FI on OKCupid, which I chose mainly because it was free.  I also have another friend now in a long-term relationship with a guy she met on OKCupid.  OKC can be a little bit of a free-for-all though (again, since it's free) so you do have to use reasonable caution when deciding who to meet, but I think that's true of any online dating site.  Online dating is really no different than regular dating - there's a bunch of people, probably most of them are going to be lame, but maybe one or two are cool and you might hit it off.  It's really no different than going to a bar or a singles night or something, except that there's more people on the site than there would be in a bar, KWIM?  If anything, I liked it better than the bar scene, because if I wasn't "clicking" with someone in the initial email exchange, I could just stop writing to them - it's a lot harder to get out of an in-person conversation with someone you don't gel with.

    I'd say start with one of the free sites (OKCupid and PlentyofFish are the two I know of, but I'm sure there are others) if you're not sure if it's for you - that way, if you decide you hate it, you haven't really lost anything other than the time it took to set up a profile.
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  • Yes I do not care if it's online and I know it's acceptable this day in age to meet online. I said "yes online" because he met her and is now in love with her and says it's his soulmate but has not physically met her. He has had a track record (3 marriages later, with numerous women on the side) of having lots of women drama. His last GF was insane and wanted him to kick his kids out of his life. He falls in love with women at the drop of a hat.

    Anyway, my FI thinks it's a little redicious as well. I will do what several people said and wait it out. My parents and I are saving our money but we do not have enough to invite everyone and guest. It's just the way it is money wise. We are only having family and no friends at our wedding because of this so that is why I want to keep the "and guest" to a minimum.
    Yes I know "and guest" is not acceptable to address them by on invites but I just used that as a way for people to know what I meant by adding a guest.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:c4ec6e49-ad15-4ac0-8fc1-cdf0699d2a69">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I met FI on eHarmony so I'm biased toward them.  I also met a few good guys via match.  Never really met anyone via plentyoffish but a lot of younger people seem to like it (I was 34 when I was dating online).  I'd be terrified to meet anyone off of Craigslist.. too many scary stories out there.
    Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

    LOL Craigslist.  I think people meet on CL, no?  I think serial killers meet their victims, haha.

    I am on POF, but not really managing it or taking it that seriously and yeah, I'm not really seeing any great people or matches there.  Maybe it IS more for the younger set, I never thought of that.  I'm 33.

    I feel like I want to try Match.  I've been on eharmony in the past, and it's nice and all... I think maybe I found it a little too structured.

    I know lots of happy couples that have met online.
  • One edit to what I just said - I have heard of folks with specific affiliations having more success on dating sites specific to their affiliation/interest/etc.  (For example, FI's very observant friend met his wife on JDate, which is for Jewish people.)

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:310e912d-0f18-4472-ba8e-b68bdca0b826">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes I do not care if it's online and I know it's acceptable this day in age to meet online. I said "yes online" because he met her and is now in love with her and says it's his soulmate but has not physically met her. He has had a track record (3 marriages later, with numerous women on the side) of having lots of women drama. His last GF was insane and wanted him to kick his kids out of his life. He falls in love with women at the drop of a hat. Anyway, my FI thinks it's a little redicious as well. I will do what several people said and wait it out. My parents and I are saving our money but <strong>we do not have enough to invite everyone and guest</strong>.<strong> It's just the way it is money wise. We are only having family and no friends at our wedding because of this so that is why I want to keep the "and guest" to a minimum</strong>. Yes I know "and guest" is not acceptable to address them by on invites but I just used that as a way for people to know what I meant by adding a guest.
    Posted by slpankuch[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's your <em>future father in law</em>.  It's not cousin George's step son.</div><div>
    </div><div>If a guest is in a relationship at the time you send the invitation, you invite their SO.  You don't get to decide if it's a good enough relationship - you MUST invite the SO.</div><div>
    </div><div>If a guest is truely single, as in not dating anyone at all for any length of time, you do not have to offer them a "+1" but it is a very nice gesture, and one I'd certainly advise extending to your FFIL.</div>
  • Thanks for the input ladies.  I will let you know if I meet or actually go out w/ anyone ;)

    OP, sorry to hear about your FI's Dad.  It is too bad he doesn't seem to have a great or stable history with women.  Etiquette-wise though, it sounds like the proper thing to do will be to let him bring a lady, since it sounds like he probably will have SOME woman in his life at the time of your wedding.

    I know it sucks to pay for an extra person, especially when you feel he's not serious about all these women and always going for a new one.  However, that is HIS problem, not your guys'.  Especially since he's allll about a lady, I imagine that he would LIKE and feel more comfortable bringing whatever lady he is with.

    If you can, I'd just go ahead and let him bring a woman.  If this was a random friend with this behavior, I think it'd be harder to extend the plus one, but since it is the FI's DAD, I feel like he's pretty close to the groom and just let him bring a woman.  I think it's the proper *etiquette* thing to do.  If you want to do it differently for your own reasons, go ahead, but I'm thinking ETIQUETTE-wise, you should let him bring a woman.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:310e912d-0f18-4472-ba8e-b68bdca0b826">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes I do not care if it's online and I know it's acceptable this day in age to meet online. I said "yes online" because he met her and is now in love with her and says it's his soulmate but has not physically met her. He has had a track record (3 marriages later, with numerous women on the side) of having lots of women drama. His last GF was insane and wanted him to kick his kids out of his life. He falls in love with women at the drop of a hat. Anyway, my FI thinks it's a little redicious as well. I will do what several people said and wait it out. My parents and I are saving our money but we do not have enough to invite everyone and guest. It's just the way it is money wise. <strong>We are only having family and no friends at our wedding because of this so that is why I want to keep the "and guest" to a minimum.</strong> Yes I know "and guest" is not acceptable to address them by on invites but I just used that as a way for people to know what I meant by adding a guest.
    Posted by slpankuch[/QUOTE]

    Once again, it's not an "and guest" - it's your <em>future father-in-law's</em> <u>girlfriend</u>.  She's not an "and guest" she's a mandatory invite because she's the SO of an invited guest.  It doesn't matter what your or your FI's personal opinion of their relationship is - if they consider themselves to be in a relationship at the time invitations go out, she has to be invited, end of story.
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  • amys325amys325 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:4434cf67-42d0-4ded-9bab-93b040a295f1">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "and guest" : Once again, it's not an "and guest" - it's your future father-in-law's girlfriend .  She's not an "and guest" she's a mandatory invite because she's the SO of an invited guest.  It doesn't matter what your or your FI's personal opinion of their relationship is - if they consider themselves to be in a relationship at the time invitations go out, she has to be invited, end of story.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    I agree with Steph.  This is your FIs father, not just some random third cousin twice removed.  If they are together by the time invitations go out, you have to invite her.
  • OK Cupid all the way!
     I get that it could be a little premature for FI's Dad to consider someone he hasn't met in person to be his SO, but who knows where they'll be in 5 months!
    5 months after meeting my BF online, we were living together!
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  • Your FFIL is a serial dater.  He has been married 3 times already. 

    Can I ask why this coming as a surprise to you? 

    If I was in your situation I would expect him to bring someone. If I didn't want him to bring someone then I would have my FI talk to his dad about the situation long before the next woman came along.  I certainly would not put my head in the sand and ignore something that was going to come up eventually.  

    IDK - my MIL has been dating a married man for 20 years.  Not really my thing, but it never occurred to me to tell her she can't bring him to the wedding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I guess it just bothered me because of what itschelsea said. It is premature for him to get carried away by this. Might I remind everyone, he has not met her face to face himself yet!
    He is telling her to buy a dress for the wedding and arranging travel expenses and everything. I know it's probably what I have to do - invite her. But I feel like they are moving to fast about this and he seems to be pressuring me about it when he hasn't even met her himself.
    I feel like he's going to use our wedding day to meet her himself!

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  • Kinsey: FI and I met on match.  I also did eharmony and yahoo.  I liked match the best overall, it allowed you to search and narrow down on your own.  I feel like eharmony you miss people because they feel you aren't a match.  I get why eharmony does the site there way, but sometimes opposites attract.  I'm always leary of the truly free sites, since just about anyone can go on them!  I feel like if you pay to go on these websites, you have less of a chance of meeting someone who just wants to send you dirty pictures (which just happened to my FMIL on PlentyofFish!).

    There name is escaping me right now, but I've heard advertisements on the radio for a company based in Philly that does group outings with single people.  You just sign up for the activity and I think pay to go on the activity and then you can meet new single people.  And it's totally bothering me why I can't remember this groups name!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:e25fbbe5-48e1-4e3a-a853-d46b7d612ac0">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess it just bothered me because of what itschelsea said. It is premature for him to get carried away by this. Might I remind everyone, he has not met her face to face himself yet! He is telling her to buy a dress for the wedding and arranging travel expenses and everything. I know it's probably what I have to do - invite her. <strong>But I feel like they are moving to fast about this</strong> and he seems to be pressuring me about it when he hasn't even met her himself. I feel like he's going to use our wedding day to meet her himself!
    Posted by slpankuch[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's really none of your business.  If he meets her for the first time at your wedding, that's his own wierd choice.  Don't let this be the hill you die on.</div>
  • woman= one female.
    women=more than one woman.
  • You definitely didn't bold my whole sentence so you took this out of context. I meant fast about his choice about her coming to the wedding and him pressuring me to tell him that she is invited now..5 months before.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:8cfb8505-810e-4e3e-9a90-ae2b35236faf">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]You definitely didn't bold my whole sentence so you took this out of context. I meant fast about his choice about her coming to the wedding and him pressuring me to tell him that she is invited now..5 months before.
    Posted by slpankuch[/QUOTE]

    If he asks "is she invited?" the correct answer is "yes, of course, all significant others will be invited" because that's what etiquette requires.  Seriously.  You are not the dating police.  Wedding invitations are not the way to make your opinions on other people's relationships known.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_and-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:81452b21-7f34-4e01-be70-3831a465a317Post:3278ade7-e019-410e-b34b-903b615614e5">Re: "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like the standard "anyone who considers themselves to be in a relationship" is asking for trouble from those people who refer to their sons as their boyfriends (check out STFUParents.com) or carry their annoying yappy dogs everywhere. In most situations of rock-and-a-hard-place, you need to calmly and politely talk to everyone involved and make the most informed decision where the most people "win."
    Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

    Look, if OP posted and said "FFIL has told us that he's in a committed relationship with his schnauzer Lucy and has asked that we refer to her as his g/f" I would've given a different answer (probably along the lines of "WTF, please call the local animal protection agency and check your FFIL into a psych ward").  That's <em>not</em> what OP posted.  What OP posted is a perfectly common situation involving two adults whose relationship is moving faster than she and her FI would prefer.  There's no etiquette exception for "but I don't know her and FFIL is a serial dater and I think his choice of girlfriend is stupid."  This is not a situation of "rock-and-a-hard-place," this is a situation of OP doesn't want to put her big-girl panties on and do what etiquette requires because she's too busy judging her FFIL's life choices.
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