Wedding Etiquette Forum

Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?

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Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?

  • Meg must be gunning for my job.  She gives excellent advice.

    I have nothing to add to this thread other than I agree with Meg, Birdie, Fishy and LC.  Oh, and Hamil, please read the whole thread if you want to comment effectively in it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:b6034329-7a89-4889-8179-4b8074f8e6d8">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't understand what is so rude and shocking about a bride not wanting to invite people she doesn't know or doesn't likes to her own wedding, that she is paying for, especially when her FI and parents wholeheartedly agree.  I REALIZE that this is PROPER ETIQUETTE but can't anyone agree that it just feels weird?!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    NO.

    Since a wedding is a celebration of relationships... it is weird to not invite couples together. Hey friend, I know you are dating someone- but you have to come alone to the event where i tell my SO that I want to be together forever that is weird.

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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited June 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:b6034329-7a89-4889-8179-4b8074f8e6d8">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't understand what is so rude and shocking about a bride not wanting to invite people she doesn't know or doesn't like to her own wedding, that she is paying for, especially when her FI and parents wholeheartedly agree.  I REALIZE that this is PROPER ETIQUETTE but can't anyone agree that it just feels weird?!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    <div>Because you care enough about your friend to invite her, and she cares enough about him to be in a serious relationship with him.  There were people at our wedding that I'm not the biggest fan of, but they are important to someone who is important to me.  That supersedes any and all weirdness I felt.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Edit: spelling</div>
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  • I'm sure most brides have invited people that they were not crazy about.  I am because one of FI's close friends happens to be dating a girl that I dislike, but ya know what? She's invited because that's what you do.

    Sorry OP, you're gonna have to put your big girl pants on for this one and invite the guy. 
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  • 6 year olds are notorious assholes. 
  • Based on your clarification I agree with PPs that you should be inviting him.  If not expect your friend to be pissed/not come at all/not be your friend.  You can't tell your friend  "I hope you don't bring him" either. You can say that to yourself but that's about it.  Maybe you'll get lucky and she won't.  But they're adults in a relationship you should be inviting them together.  I mean how would you feel if a close friend invited you to their wedding but not your husband and said "we just don't like him."?
  • I know this is a part of the situation that got forgotten a long time ago, and I know it's proper etiquette, but I don't think anyone will be offended if they're invited without dates but as their parent's children.  My fiance and I have been together (and in a serious relationship) since we were 17.  A year or so after we started dating, some of my parent's friends got married.  They invited Mr. and Mrs (my parents), and their daughters (me) and (younger sister).  I wasn't even remotely offended, and we had been dating for over a year.  Without my parents, I wouldn't have been invited to the wedding.  I was happy to get to attend with my family.  I know that's not what you're supposed to do, but of all the etiquette rules that you want to break, I think this one has the least possible horrible ramifications.  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:10614a8f-b069-406a-bc98-2f43b3d87fda">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : I mean, that's probably not likely, but do you still think I want to write his name on an invitation to my wedding? Or do you think my FI wants that? And she's not a BM, just a guest... it's just an uncomforatble situation and I would rather not be uncomfortable on our wedding day, and I have control over who is invited, so why dig my own grave and invite him? I know it's etiquette but there have to be exceptions!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    Then don't invite her, either. It's all or nothing. If she's offended, so be it, but she should know why.

    However, like DNB, I would not be offended at not being invited to a wedding, period. I WOULD be offended if my SO was not invited to the wedding and I was. That shows that the hosts don't actually care about ME. And I wouldn't go to the wedding. So you might just be wasting a lot of those pricey invitations.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:aa05b6b1-f4eb-4f9b-b9e5-5a1d4397d40f">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this is a part of the situation that got forgotten a long time ago, and I know it's proper etiquette, but I don't think anyone will be offended if they're invited without dates but as their parent's children.  My fiance and I have been together (and in a serious relationship) since we were 17.  A year or so after we started dating, some of my parent's friends got married.  They invited Mr. and Mrs (my parents), and their daughters (me) and (younger sister).  I wasn't even remotely offended, and we had been dating for over a year.  Without my parents, I wouldn't have been invited to the wedding.  I was happy to get to attend with my family.  I know that's not what you're supposed to do, but of all the etiquette rules that you want to break,<strong> I think this one has the least possible horrible ramifications.</strong>  
    Posted by cswooley[/QUOTE]
    Did you read the thread?  I just did.  I can't find any "possible horrible ramifications" that would be caused.  I'm glad that you weren't offended.  Others might be.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:b6034329-7a89-4889-8179-4b8074f8e6d8">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't understand what is so rude and shocking about a bride not wanting to invite people she doesn't know or doesn't like to her own wedding, that she is paying for, especially when her FI and parents wholeheartedly agree.  I REALIZE that this is PROPER ETIQUETTE but can't anyone agree that it just feels weird?!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    You sound pretty full of yourself. Respecting relationships of others and making your friends and family feel comfortable by inviting their SOs is about THEM not YOU.
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  • We really struggled with the idea of +1 guests as well, as several friends (on both sides) date random people all the time, never get serious, etc. We didn't want a "random girl/guy of the weekend" coming with any of our guests. So, we decided that only guests with significant others and serious relationships can bring their guests. If their relationship status changes between now and then, they should again, be allowed to bring a significant other. IF you have any guests that don't know anyone else that will be at your wedding, they should be entitled to bring any guest of their choice, regardless of the significance of their relationship. This is proper etiquette.

    As for the family, I would write "__ and family" or "__ family" on the invitation. IF the "kids" are dating someone seriously, they may or may not interpret their SOs as being included. You just have to deal with their interpretation, rather they include them in the "family" or not.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:0acae96e-999c-4241-beab-d7e2128b1637">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Re: all the plus-one drama, I'm pretty sure that people are not *entitled* to a plus-one unless they are actually married. Inviting people to bring dates is totally optional, and allowing them to bring Boyfriends/Girlfriends is definitely a nice gesture, but if you have to draw a hard line "only marriages" is an acceptable one."
    Posted by rchambershmc[/QUOTE]

    I highly disagree with this. If I received an invitation that wasn't also extended to my fiance, I'd be pretty offended and would probably not attend. The same if my fiance was the one to receive the invite.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:49035a57-1978-428c-8a3f-d736f69ad1db">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Meg must be gunning for my job.  She gives excellent advice. I have nothing to add to this thread other than I agree with Meg, Birdie, Fishy and LC. <strong> Oh, and Hamil, please read the whole thread if you want to comment effectively in it.
    </strong>Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    Yeah... thanks for the tip. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:ebfbbfe7-dec3-4011-b488-c192190f6fff">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We really struggled with the idea of +1 guests as well, as several friends (on both sides) date random people all the time, never get serious, etc. We didn't want a "random girl/guy of the weekend" coming with any of our guests.<strong> So, we decided that only guests with significant others and serious relationships can bring their guests.</strong> If their relationship status changes between now and then, they should again, be allowed to bring a significant other. IF you have any guests that don't know anyone else that will be at your wedding, they should be entitled to bring any guest of their choice, regardless of the significance of their relationship. <strong>This is proper etiquette.</strong> As for the family, I would write "__ and family" or "__ family" on the invitation. IF the "kids" are dating someone seriously, they may or may not interpret their SOs as being included. You just have to deal with their interpretation, rather they include them in the "family" or not.
    Posted by brittandjp[/QUOTE]

    Have you read any of the other responses? It is not YOUR place to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship. If they are dating someone at the time the invitations go out, they are both to be invited, or neither. THAT is proper etiquette.

    I find it ironic that you would write the first bolded part, then give a lecture on what it proper etiquette later on in your post.

    As for the OP, I find it interesting that you would not allow your parent's friend's adult children to bring their SOs and cite the cost of inviting extra people as one of the main reasons not to invite them, but then you mention that there are some people that you have met just in the last few months that you want to invite? So are you saying that these people that you barely know are more important to you than these adult children of your family that you have know practically your whole life? Nice.

    In regards to inviting people you don't like: don't be petty. Petty doesn't look good on anyone, especially the host of the party. Not liking your friend's BF is not enough reason to not invite him if you invite your friend.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:8b2896ec-3f88-48e3-8415-0ec08a36ea26">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]it sounds like you know the right things to do but just don't want to do it. etiquette gets broken all the time.  but it doesn't make it less rude.  you sound level headed but if you break the rules people have every right to be angry. that being said, if you wouldn't invite the kids w/o their parents perhaps don't invite them at all?  don't invite the friend who introduced you to he couple? and then give people in relationships +1s. as for your friend with the terrible boyfriend-invite him.  not your place to make this call.  and your wedding isn't the time for a friendship intervention. good luck.
    Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]


    Something that is rare on TK:  Wisdom from a Newbie.  Way to go!  ( I mean this sincerely)

    This nails it. 
    Anniversary
  • My goodness.  We are getting rather angry at this poor girl.  This is an etiquette board, and she came to TK for advice.  Perhaps we should not be harranguing her.

    Regarding the abusive ex - This should not even be an issue.  Abusive exes should not come to weddings.  Your friend's judgement in partners notwithstanding, you should in NO way feel threatened or uneasy about a guest at your wedding.  Obviously he would not touch you the day of, but even his presence may be too much for you to deal with.  Its already an emotional day.  Gently explain to the friend that you do not feel comfortable with him attending and hope she understands.  If she is truly a friend, she will get it.

    Also - Emily Post, from what I can tell on her web site, only mentions plus ones if they are married, engaged, or living together.  As brides, we should not be expected to invite every significant other to our wedding, especially if we do not know them personally.    If your cousin has a new man every six months, you really should not be expected to invite him if there is no jewelry or shared address involved.

    Board posters, please.  Remember we have been asked for help.  Giving your opinion is one thing, jumping down stilaney's throat is a different thing.
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  • THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, FROG. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:ab7adae6-f407-4081-9630-cbbb9fc2502f">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My goodness.  We are getting rather angry at this poor girl.  This is an etiquette board, and she came to TK for advice.  Perhaps we should not be harranguing her. Regarding the abusive ex - This should not even be an issue.  Abusive exes should not come to weddings.  Your friend's judgement in partners notwithstanding, you should in NO way feel threatened or uneasy about a guest at your wedding.  Obviously he would not touch you the day of, but even his presence may be too much for you to deal with.  Its already an emotional day.  Gently explain to the friend that you do not feel comfortable with him attending and hope she understands.  If she is truly a friend, she will get it. Also - Emily Post, from what I can tell on her web site, only mentions plus ones if they are married, engaged, or living together.  As brides, we should not be expected to invite every significant other to our wedding, especially if we do not know them personally.    If your cousin has a new man every six months, you really should not be expected to invite him if there is no jewelry or shared address involved. Board posters, please.  Remember we have been asked for help.  Giving your opinion is one thing, jumping down stilaney's throat is a different thing.
    Posted by froggatt.clare[/QUOTE]


    Aw, newb. Aren't you cute?

    Look. This is the etiquette board and the answers the OP was given follow proper etiquette rules. Being honest and blunt when the OP is stating that she is willfully disregarding etiquette rules does not equal haranguing her.

    I highly suggest you lurk her before posting rants like this. Get a feel for the board and the posters on it. It really helps new posters to understand the culture of the board they are joining.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:ab7adae6-f407-4081-9630-cbbb9fc2502f">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  Board posters, please.  <strong>Remember we have been asked for help.</strong>  Giving your opinion is one thing, jumping down stilaney's throat is a different thing.
    Posted by froggatt.clare[/QUOTE]

    The original poster (OP) wrote that she knew she was wrong, but didn't care. <strong>She did not ask for advice instead she herself said she was venting</strong>. She was venting to the wrong board (see the title of this board). Please lurk on these boards & know the tone of the board before you lecture posters. Plus, you are very condescending.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:6fcfd708-216f-4040-b330-fa65ee21ae17">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, FROG. 
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    My thoughts exactly Mel. 
    Anniversary
  • I am following etiquette and tradition as strictly as I possibly can for my own wedding.

    However.  You said he is your abusive ex.  If I suspected that someone who "should" be invited were going to cause a complete scene by throwing up on the dance floor, getting laid in the coat room, bring drugs to liven up the party, inviting a guy friend to crash, being confrontational etc, I wouldn't give them the opportunity by inviting them.  Same with anyone who had abused me, my family, or the wedding party, physically or emotionally.  Its an incredibly meaningful event in my life, my parents are paying, everyone who is coming is paying, I wouldn't let one asshole ruin everyone's day.

    You have to ask yourself, is this boyfriend really what I described above? If he is, talk to his girlfriend before sending out invitations and try to reach an agreement so your relationship is not broken.

    All the other questions, follow etiquette.  Rules of etiquette are designed so that no one gets mad or offended, not just to make you look lady like.  If you don't care about etiquette, well then there you go, but people might be pissed at you when you return from your honeymoon.
  • THANK YOU!  I have been jumped on for judging relationships.  I defer to Miss Emily Post as well.  Living together, engaged, married, partnered. 

    Also caught the abusive ex part.  I mean really.  Abusive.  Ex.  Try not to ruin your friendship with the poor girl who's dating him, but if I brought an abusive ex to my wedding I'd have to worry about my father, uncle, or husband kicking his ass and ending up in jail.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:c6cd687c-43ca-4370-99eb-a77587b6e927">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]THANK YOU!  I have been jumped on for judging relationships.  I defer to Miss Emily Post as well.  Living together, engaged, married, partnered.  Also caught the abusive ex part.  I mean really.  Abusive.  Ex.  Try not to ruin your friendship with the poor girl who's dating him, but if I brought an abusive ex to my wedding I'd have to worry about my father, uncle, or husband kicking his ass and ending up in jail.
    Posted by JG22124[/QUOTE]


    Again, did you read the whole post? The OP said she doesn't care that her friend is dating him and that they dated very briefly as teenagers where he got drunk and was mean. She really just doesn't want to invite him because she doesn't like him.
    Breaking up social units is not ok. As for the living together/engaged/married argument my FI and I did not move in together until after 5 years of dating. If someone had sent either of us a wedding invitation during that time that did not include the other we would have been really insulted and would have been forced to seriously reevaluate our friendship with that person. This is beyond a head count for a wedding, this is about maintaining personal relationships with the people in your life that you feel are special and important enough to you to be invited to your wedding.
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  • I did indeed read the thread. Did you read my response? She called him abusive ergo she feels she was a victim of abuse. She MAY just not like him so she's calling him that. I don't know her, I don't doubt anyone who says they were abused. Also, if we are blindly following rules just cause they're " the rules", well, Emily Post's rules offer an alternative. I was not speaking to your specific situation.
  • No one here doubted her when she said she was abused. The point is that it is rude to break apart a social unit. Either invite both the friend and the BF or neither of them.

    Honestly, like we often tell other newbs, I suggest you lurk on this board some more and get a feel for it. It is the Etiquette board and questions here will be answered within the bounds of proper etiquette. No one "blindly" follows the rules, they are there for a reason. If you can't understand that then no one can really help you here.


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  • Birdie1483Birdie1483 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited June 2011
    The analogy of a speed limit just came to mind. It's highly suggested that you follow the speed limit, because you can get in trouble if you don't. But they can't MAKE you follow the speed limit. They'll just pull you over and ticket you if you break the law.

    Same with etiquette. There is correct etiquette for a reason. You don't HAVE to follow it, but there might be repercussions if you don't. Our purpose on this board is to educate on the proper etiquette of questions.
  • I have such a ladyboner for birdie when she gets all mod-y.
  • I'm just confused I thought Emily Post was an expert on etiquette. I like the speed limit analogy. I think people should follow the rules even if they don't feel like it. I simply feel like abuse is a special circumstance... Much like speeding to the hospital because you chopped your hand off and your cell phone died so you couldn't call 911. I think it's fine she leave out the guy and invite the girl if she talks to the girl about it first. Or both could not go if that's the option the female friend prefers. I think talking to the friend will show she cares about her feelings. That's all. I may be a newb but I have cared about doing the proper thing my whole life and I'm entitled to throw in my two cents, even if it might not be what everyone else is saying. I didn't just make up my answer, I did my homework first.
  • brittandjpbrittandjp member
    500 Comments
    edited June 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:bea3e5b2-08c6-4d40-a4e6-e5f6acfb535f">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : Have you read any of the other responses? It is not YOUR place to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship. If they are dating someone at the time the invitations go out, they are both to be invited, or neither. THAT is proper etiquette. I find it ironic that you would write the first bolded part, then give a lecture on what it proper etiquette later on in your post. As for the OP, I find it interesting that you would not allow your parent's friend's adult children to bring their SOs and cite the cost of inviting extra people as one of the main reasons not to invite them, but then you mention that there are some people that you have met just in the last few months that you want to invite? So are you saying that these people that you barely know are more important to you than these adult children of your family that you have know practically your whole life? Nice. In regards to inviting people you don't like: don't be petty. Petty doesn't look good on anyone, especially the host of the party. Not liking your friend's BF is not enough reason to not invite him if you invite your friend.
    Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I did read the previous posts, thank you. I'm sorry, but from the research I've done, we are not obligated to include guests for my FI's friends who have a new chick (aka bed-buddy) every other weekend. Like I said in my original post, if our guests are committed to dating someone either now OR later, they are of course more than welcome to bring their guest. You mentioned not living with your FI for five years beforehand, I would still consider that to be a serious relationship, and we would most certainly include you on the invite. However, a flavor of the week, if you will, is not the type of guest list we have in mind. I do not plan on sending out invites with the random chick included, since she wasn't here two weeks ago and won't be around by next weekend.

    We plan on addressing our cards exactly who they're meant for, whether that be an entire family, a married couple, a live in couple, a friend and their significant other (again, not bed-buddy), etc. For us, this is what works, and it doesn't make us bad people or rule-breakers.

    I can provide supporting sources if you'd prefer.
    <a href="http://tinypic.com?ref=35butrc" target="_blank"><img src="http://i45.tinypic.com/35butrc.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>

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    <a href="http://livelaughloveandbaby.blogspot.com/">live.laugh.love.baby</a> [/size]
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