Wedding Etiquette Forum

Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?

My parents' friends, Mr and Mrs Y, have two kids who I have gone to church with since I was a kid. They're younger than me so we're friends on Facebook and see each other when our parents do but that's about it. They are 18 and 20 now and in "serious" relationships. I addressed their invite to Mr & Mrs Y and H & W. I KNOW each kid is supposed to get their own invite AND a date because they're over 18, but we are paying for the wedding ourselves and that is just so much money to drop on children of my parents' friends who wouldn't be invited at all if their parents weren't. I admit I am doing this for several families on our guest list... couples with children who are now (barely) 18 and dating. It's saving us literally thousands of dollars but it still allows for these people to be at the wedding. My parents agree that this works for us... none of us are super formal and the wedding itself is supposed to be "casual and intimate" but I know it's technically wrong.

Then... all of my close girlfriends are single except ONE who is dating an alcoholic, abusive ex of mine. And of course this (clueless) girl wants to bring her boyfriend to the wedding... but since none of the other girls are bringing dates, I'm tempted to say we're just not giving plus-ones at all so this a-hole doesn't come to my wedding. Because he will. And will probably drink a lot and make a scene.

And now, we recently became close to this couple we met a few months ago and decided to extend them an invite. So we also felt that we should extend an invite to the friend (A) who introduced us to avoid an awkward situation, who is a friend of mine but someone I see maybe twice a year and speak to monthly, not someone who was originally invited to our small (not so much anymore...) wedding. So I wanted to invite A, but she has this EXTREMELY close best friend (K) who I have met on several occassions and who actually made a comment when we got engaged that "she better get an invite", so I thought it would be cute to invite A (who is single) and her best friend as her plus-one. These two girls and the couple they introduced us to are a close-knit group so it feels less awkward to include them all instead of some. But then I find out A ISN'T single anymore.... so do I invite A, and her new boyfriend, and now K as well, and give HER a date?! Or invite them without dates... or invite just A and suck up the awkwardness of excluding K from her group of friends who are all invited but her because we've only hung out a few times?! And it's too late to back out of that circle of friends because I only found out about the boyfriend when I was sniffing around for A's mailing address, so they know she's on the guest list. Not to mention I think my mutual friends asked K for A's mailing address on my behalf. Awkward.

GAH! I hate the chains of etiquette, I just wanna do whateva! It feels better to get that all typed out... I was stressing about it all and not even realizing it. Thanks for listening/advice.

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Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?

  • Who gets dates?

    Anyone in a serious relationship - quotation marks or not.  You don't get to pass judgment.

    If you willfully don't invite someone with a date who you know is dating someone, then you are wrong.
  • it sounds like you know the right things to do but just don't want to do it.

    etiquette gets broken all the time.  but it doesn't make it less rude.  you sound level headed but if you break the rules people have every right to be angry.

    that being said, if you wouldn't invite the kids w/o their parents perhaps don't invite them at all? 

    don't invite the friend who introduced you to he couple?

    and then give people in relationships +1s.

    as for your friend with the terrible boyfriend-invite him.  not your place to make this call.  and your wedding isn't the time for a friendship intervention.

    good luck.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:f96fc5c1-4160-498a-8808-e604bb440326">Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents' friends, Mr and Mrs Y, have two kids who I have gone to church with since I was a kid. They're younger than me so we're friends on Facebook and see each other when our parents do but that's about it. They are 18 and 20 now and in "serious" relationships. I addressed their invite to Mr & Mrs Y and H & W. I KNOW each kid is supposed to get their own invite AND a date because they're over 18, but we are paying for the wedding ourselves and that is just so much money to drop on children of my parents' friends who wouldn't be invited at all if their parents weren't. I admit I am doing this for several families on our guest list... couples with children who are now (barely) 18 and dating. It's saving us literally thousands of dollars but it still allows for these people to be at the wedding. My parents agree that this works for us... none of us are super formal and the wedding itself is supposed to be "casual and intimate" but I know it's technically wrong. Then... all of my close girlfriends are single except ONE who is dating an alcoholic, abusive ex of mine. And of course this (clueless) girl wants to bring her boyfriend to the wedding... but since none of the other girls are bringing dates, I'm tempted to say we're just not giving plus-ones at all so this a-hole doesn't come to my wedding. Because he will. And will probably drink a lot and make a scene. And now, we recently became close to this couple we met a few months ago and decided to extend them an invite. So we also felt that we should extend an invite to the friend (A) who introduced us to avoid an awkward situation, who is a friend of mine but someone I see maybe twice a year and speak to monthly, not someone who was originally invited to our small (not so much anymore...) wedding. So I wanted to invite A, but she has this EXTREMELY close best friend (K) who I have met on several occassions and who actually made a comment when we got engaged that "she better get an invite", so I thought it would be cute to invite A (who is single) and her best friend as her plus-one. These two girls and the couple they introduced us to are a close-knit group so it feels less awkward to include them all instead of some. But then I find out A ISN'T single anymore.... so do I invite A, and her new boyfriend, and now K as well, and give HER a date?! Or invite them without dates... or invite just A and suck up the awkwardness of excluding K from her group of friends who are all invited but her because we've only hung out a few times?! And it's too late to back out of that circle of friends because I only found out about the boyfriend when I was sniffing around for A's mailing address, so they know she's on the guest list. Not to mention I think my mutual friends asked K for A's mailing address on my behalf. Awkward. GAH! I hate the chains of etiquette, I just wanna do whateva! It feels better to get that all typed out... I was stressing about it all and not even realizing it. Thanks for listening/advice.
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    1) You don't have to invite the "children", but if you do, they have to be invited with their dates.

    2) You can't tell your BM who to bring as her date.  You can tell her of your concerns about bringing your ex, but you can't forbid her from bringing her boyfriend.  Also, just because none of the other girls are choosing to bring a +1, doesn't mean that you can decide now that none of them can.  People should be invited with their S/Os.  I'm sorry your friend doesn't have the tact not to bring him, but unfortunately, that's on her and not you.  Chances are you won't even notice he's there.

    3) Did you send an STD to both of them?  If you only sent the STD to A, then you don't need to send an invite to K.  But if you sent an STD that said "to A and K", then unfortunately you should invite both of them with a +1 for each.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:f96fc5c1-4160-498a-8808-e604bb440326">Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents' friends, Mr and Mrs Y, have two kids who I have gone to church with since I was a kid. They're younger than me so we're friends on Facebook and see each other when our parents do but that's about it. They are 18 and 20 now and in "serious" relationships. I addressed their invite to Mr & Mrs Y and H & W. I KNOW each kid is supposed to get their own invite AND a date because they're over 18, but we are paying for the wedding ourselves and that is just so much money to drop on children of my parents' friends who wouldn't be invited at all if their parents weren't. I admit I am doing this for several families on our guest list... couples with children who are now (barely) 18 and dating. It's saving us literally thousands of dollars but it still allows for these people to be at the wedding. My parents agree that this works for us... none of us are super formal and the wedding itself is supposed to be "casual and intimate" but I know it's technically wrong. Then... all of my close girlfriends are single except ONE who is dating an alcoholic, abusive ex of mine. And of course this (clueless) girl wants to bring her boyfriend to the wedding... but since none of the other girls are bringing dates, I'm tempted to say we're just not giving plus-ones at all so this a-hole doesn't come to my wedding. Because he will. And will probably drink a lot and make a scene. And now, we recently became close to this couple we met a few months ago and decided to extend them an invite. So we also felt that we should extend an invite to the friend (A) who introduced us to avoid an awkward situation, who is a friend of mine but someone I see maybe twice a year and speak to monthly, not someone who was originally invited to our small (not so much anymore...) wedding. So I wanted to invite A, but she has this EXTREMELY close best friend (K) who I have met on several occassions and who actually made a comment when we got engaged that "she better get an invite", so I thought it would be cute to invite A (who is single) and her best friend as her plus-one. These two girls and the couple they introduced us to are a close-knit group so it feels less awkward to include them all instead of some. But then I find out A ISN'T single anymore.... so do I invite A, and her new boyfriend, and now K as well, and give HER a date?! Or invite them without dates... or invite just A and suck up the awkwardness of excluding K from her group of friends who are all invited but her because we've only hung out a few times?! And it's too late to back out of that circle of friends because I only found out about the boyfriend when I was sniffing around for A's mailing address, so they know she's on the guest list. Not to mention I think my mutual friends asked K for A's mailing address on my behalf. Awkward. GAH! I hate the chains of etiquette, I just wanna do whateva! It feels better to get that all typed out... I was stressing about it all and not even realizing it. Thanks for listening/advice.
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]
    I would invite A with her significant other. Since K's whole group of friends will be there and she's not dating anyone, I'd invite her alone. Of course, if K acquires a significant other between now and then, be sure to invite him/her.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:f96fc5c1-4160-498a-8808-e604bb440326">Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents' friends, Mr and Mrs Y, have two kids who I have gone to church with since I was a kid. They're younger than me so we're friends on Facebook and see each other when our parents do but that's about it. They are 18 and 20 now and in "serious" relationships. I addressed their invite to Mr & Mrs Y and H & W. I KNOW each kid is supposed to get their own invite AND a date because they're over 18, but we are paying for the wedding ourselves and that is just so much money to drop on children of my parents' friends who wouldn't be invited at all if their parents weren't. I admit I am doing this for several families on our guest list... couples with children who are now (barely) 18 and dating. It's saving us literally thousands of dollars but it still allows for these people to be at the wedding. My parents agree that this works for us... none of us are super formal and the wedding itself is supposed to be "casual and intimate" but I know it's technically wrong. Then... all of my close girlfriends are single except ONE who is dating an alcoholic, abusive ex of mine. And of course this (clueless) girl wants to bring her boyfriend to the wedding... but since none of the other girls are bringing dates, I'm tempted to say we're just not giving plus-ones at all so this a-hole doesn't come to my wedding. Because he will. And will probably drink a lot and make a scene. And now, we recently became close to this couple we met a few months ago and decided to extend them an invite. So we also felt that we should extend an invite to the friend (A) who introduced us to avoid an awkward situation, who is a friend of mine but someone I see maybe twice a year and speak to monthly, not someone who was originally invited to our small (not so much anymore...) wedding. So I wanted to invite A, but she has this EXTREMELY close best friend (K) who I have met on several occassions and who actually made a comment when we got engaged that "she better get an invite", so I thought it would be cute to invite A (who is single) and her best friend as her plus-one. These two girls and the couple they introduced us to are a close-knit group so it feels less awkward to include them all instead of some. But then I find out A ISN'T single anymore.... so do I invite A, and her new boyfriend, and now K as well, and give HER a date?! Or invite them without dates... or invite just A and suck up the awkwardness of excluding K from her group of friends who are all invited but her because we've only hung out a few times?! And it's too late to back out of that circle of friends because I only found out about the boyfriend when I was sniffing around for A's mailing address, so they know she's on the guest list. Not to mention I think my mutual friends asked K for A's mailing address on my behalf. Awkward. GAH! I hate the chains of etiquette, I just wanna do whateva! It feels better to get that all typed out... I was stressing about it all and not even realizing it. Thanks for listening/advice.
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If you want to save money, then you cut people, not just their SO's.  That is rude, and against etiquette.  Nobody is as excited and determined to attend your wedding as you (general you, not you specifically) think.  If you can't afford to invite the SO's of friends long-term relationships, regardless of what you think fo them, then don't invite the friends.  

    </div>
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  • You know you are wrong & are being rude so why did you even ask? You are being rude & you know it.

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  • Re: all the plus-one drama, I'm pretty sure that people are not *entitled* to a plus-one unless they are actually married. Inviting people to bring dates is totally optional, and allowing them to bring Boyfriends/Girlfriends is definitely a nice gesture, but if you have to draw a hard line "only marriages" is an acceptable one.

    So, in your situation, I'd probably just say "the wedding is small so we had to limit it to friends and spouses only," and then if you elect to include any boyfriends/girlfriends, simply explain that "X's SO is a friend of ours too, which is why he/she got invited."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:f96fc5c1-4160-498a-8808-e604bb440326">Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I admit I am doing this for <strong>several</strong> families on our guest list... couples with children who are now (barely) 18 and dating. <strong>It's saving us literally thousands of dollars </strong>but it still allows for these people to be at the wedding. Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    What the hell kind of invitations are you using that you save thousands of dollars by combining households?  They should get their own invite.  (Shouldn't cost more than $2-3 per invite total - including postage.)

  • Wait, I'm sorry, but are you all saying that this woman has to invite an abusive ex-boyfriend to her own wedding?  Just to avoid a breach of etiquettee?  I whole-heartedly disagree with that.  As a therapist who has worked with domestic violence victims, I have to say that her safety comes first.    
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:0acae96e-999c-4241-beab-d7e2128b1637">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Re: all the plus-one drama, I'm pretty sure that people are not *entitled* to a plus-one unless they are actually married. Inviting people to bring dates is totally optional, and allowing them to bring Boyfriends/Girlfriends is definitely a nice gesture, but if you have to draw a hard line "only marriages" is an acceptable one. So, in your situation, I'd probably just say "the wedding is small so we had to limit it to friends and spouses only," and then if you elect to include any boyfriends/girlfriends, simply explain that "X's SO is a friend of ours too, which is why he/she got invited."
    Posted by rchambershmc[/QUOTE]

    <div>Are you lost?  This is the etiquette board, and nothing in that craptastic advice is proper etiquette.  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:0acae96e-999c-4241-beab-d7e2128b1637">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Re: all the plus-one drama, I'm pretty sure that people are not *entitled* to a plus-one unless they are actually married. Inviting people to bring dates is totally optional, and allowing them to bring Boyfriends/Girlfriends is definitely a nice gesture, but if you have to draw a hard line "only marriages" is an acceptable one. So, in your situation, I'd probably just say "the wedding is small so we had to limit it to friends and spouses only," and then if you elect to include any boyfriends/girlfriends, simply explain that "X's SO is a friend of ours too, which is why he/she got invited."
    Posted by rchambershmc[/QUOTE]

    <div>Even by the most limited standards of appropriate, married, engaged, and couples living together MUST get plus-ones. It's straight Emily Post, but making the cutoff at those three groups is still likely to make people mad. </div>
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  • It just seems MORE rude to not include the children of my parents' close friends, since we have all known each other for years. It also seems rude to say, "We can't afford to pay for you or your brother's dates, so you're not invited." Why not just put "and family" on the invite so they have the option of attending if they want to?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:5a063314-586f-49b1-93c2-c72e0b518d8a">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It just seems MORE rude to not include the children of my parents' close friends, since we have all known each other for years. It also seems rude to say, "We can't afford to pay for you or your brother's dates, so you're not invited." Why not just put "and family" on the invite so they have the option of attending if they want to?
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    <div>If you put "and family" on there, you're even more apt to end up with significant others coming with them. It's too open to interpretation. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:5a063314-586f-49b1-93c2-c72e0b518d8a">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It just seems MORE rude to not include the children of my parents' close friends, since we have all known each other for years. It also seems rude to say, "We can't afford to pay for you or your brother's dates, so you're not invited." <strong>Why not just put "and family" on the invite so they have the option of attending if they want to?</strong>
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    <div>If they consider their relationships to be serious, then they will most likely assume that "and family" includes their SO's as well, so you would probably get that RSVP card back for 6 people.  You never want to send your invites to "and family" because so many people can interpret that in different ways.</div>
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  • Bkseller, the invites are $7 apiece... and I meant by not inviting them to the wedding, we are saving thousands. Each head is ...a lot, and if we invite every "kid" AND their date (including all of our parents' friends kids, cousins, etc...) that is literally a few G's! And we want to spend the money on people we love, not necessarily the random flavors of the week that my cousins are dating... so it's hard for us to justify the expense. And it seems really rude and inappropriate to not invite them at all just because we can't afford their SOs.
  • OP- I am dealing with the breaking etiquette rules myself. I made the choice to break etiquette because I know what will happen if specific people are invited to my wedding and we do not have the budget. So, I cut out my mother's husband, uncle & his wife, another uncle, and my brothers. (Note: I am not close with these ppl and have not talked to them in a year or better). Also, we are not having any +1s -we have a no guest rule. Unless their name is on the invitation, then they are not invited. (My 19 yr old cousin wanted to bring her bf, I told her no we can not afford it.)

    And yes, I know I am going to get flack from people for breaking "proper etiquette"- but please remember-you do not know who I am or what has happened in my life. So do not judge those you do not understand.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:a0c1a9cd-9b47-4c6e-b9ac-ae1c20e3f47c">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP- I am dealing with the breaking etiquette rules myself. I made the choice to break etiquette because I know what will happen if specific people are invited to my wedding and we do not have the budget. So, I cut out my mother's husband, uncle & his wife, another uncle, and my brothers. (Note: I am not close with these ppl and have not talked to them in a year or better). Also, we are not having any +1s -we have a no guest rule. Unless their name is on the invitation, then they are not invited. (My 19 yr old cousin wanted to bring her bf, I told her no we can not afford it.) And yes, I know I am going to get flack from people for breaking "proper etiquette"- but please remember-you do not know who I am or what has happened in my life. So do not judge those you do not understand.
    Posted by nomadgrll[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You didn't invite your mother's <em>husband</em>? Wow. 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:a0c1a9cd-9b47-4c6e-b9ac-ae1c20e3f47c">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP- I am dealing with the breaking etiquette rules myself. I made the choice to break etiquette because I know what will happen if specific people are invited to my wedding and we do not have the budget. So, I cut out my mother's husband, uncle & his wife, another uncle, and my brothers. (Note: I am not close with these ppl and have not talked to them in a year or better). Also, we are not having any +1s -we have a no guest rule. Unless their name is on the invitation, then they are not invited. (My 19 yr old cousin wanted to bring her bf, I told her no we can not afford it.) And yes, I know I am going to get flack from people for breaking "proper etiquette"- but please remember-you do not know who I am or what has happened in my life. So do not judge those you do not understand.
    Posted by nomadgrll[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If you don't want to be judged, don't put it on the internet.

    </div>
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  • I'm sorry-- I didn't mean "and family"-- I did write their names out on the  envelope to avoid that confusion. I just meant invite the family as a unit and not as individuals.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:caa1638e-f0a5-4181-a56a-ca6da110ed97">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wait, I'm sorry, but are you all saying that this woman has to invite an abusive ex-boyfriend to her own wedding?  Just to avoid a breach of etiquettee?  I whole-heartedly disagree with that.  As a therapist who has worked with domestic violence victims, I have to say that her safety comes first.    
    Posted by FluffyCuddleBunny[/QUOTE]
    You think the bride is going to get asaulted at her wedding? You REALLY think it's even likely that this abusive ex will get close enough to her to harm her in a giant group of people?
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:e339dab4-f355-4d98-b1e9-4d800a08a064">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry-- I didn't mean "and family"-- I did write their names out on the  envelope to avoid that confusion. I just meant invite the family as a unit and not as individuals.
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're going to do what you want to do, no matter what we tell you is proper.  The thing is, I would be pissed if when H and I were dating or engaged only one of us was invited to the wedding because the  couple didn't care enough about us to give us a date.  It doesn't matter whether you know the SO's or not.  If these people are close enough or important enough to you to warrant an invite to your wedding, then their SO should be important enough as well by default.  If not, then cut them from your guest list. </div><div>
    </div><div>You don't have to invite adult children to your wedding if you don't want to.  It is much less offensive to just cut them from the guest list than to tell them you don't think their relationship is worthy of your wedding.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:51971a59-3e64-46f1-92f9-353ebb91d868">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : You think the bride is going to get asaulted at her wedding? You REALLY think it's even likely that this abusive ex will get close enough to her to harm her in a giant group of people?
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

    I mean, that's probably not likely, but do you still think I want to write his name on an invitation to my wedding? Or do you think my FI wants that? And she's not a BM, just a guest... it's just an uncomforatble situation and I would rather not be uncomfortable on our wedding day, and I have control over who is invited, so why dig my own grave and invite him? I know it's etiquette but there have to be exceptions!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:a0c1a9cd-9b47-4c6e-b9ac-ae1c20e3f47c">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP- I am dealing with the breaking etiquette rules myself. I made the choice to break etiquette because I know what will happen if specific people are invited to my wedding and we do not have the budget.<strong> So, I cut out my mother's husband</strong>, uncle & his wife, another uncle, and my brothers. (Note: I am not close with these ppl and have not talked to them in a year or better). Also, we are not having any +1s -we have a no guest rule. Unless their name is on the invitation, then they are not invited. (My 19 yr old cousin wanted to bring her bf, I told her no we can not afford it.) And yes, I know I am going to get flack from people for breaking "proper etiquette"- but please remember-you do not know who I am or what has happened in my life. So do not judge those you do not understand.
    Posted by nomadgrll[/QUOTE]

    0_0
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:a0c1a9cd-9b47-4c6e-b9ac-ae1c20e3f47c">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP- I am dealing with the breaking etiquette rules myself. I made the choice to break etiquette because I know what will happen if specific people are invited to my wedding and we do not have the budget. <strong>So, I cut out my mother's husband</strong>, uncle & his wife, another uncle, and my brothers. (Note: I am not close with these ppl and have not talked to them in a year or better). Also, we are not having any +1s -we have a no guest rule. Unless their name is on the invitation, then they are not invited. (My 19 yr old cousin wanted to bring her bf, I told her no we can not afford it.) And yes, I know I am going to get flack from people for breaking "proper etiquette"- but please remember-you do not know who I am or what has happened in my life. So do not judge those you do not understand.
    Posted by nomadgrll[/QUOTE]

    Floored.  That is beyond rude.
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt13e8c6.aspx[/img][/url]
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:10614a8f-b069-406a-bc98-2f43b3d87fda">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : I mean, that's probably not likely, but do you still think I want to write his name on an invitation to my wedding? Or do you think my FI wants that? And she's not a BM, just a guest... it's just an uncomforatble situation and I would rather not be uncomfortable on our wedding day, and I have control over who is invited, so why dig my own grave and invite him? I know it's etiquette but there have to be exceptions!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]
    Is it worth it to piss your friend off? Look, you've already said you're breaking etiquette rules so it just sounds like you came here to hear us tell you that in your superspecialsnowflake situation it's ok. Honestly, I think you should either not invite the girl, or invite them as a couple. But it sounds like you're going to invite the girl alone, without her bf, probably pissing her off and you want us to tell you that's ok by etiquette standards. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think this is an exception to the couples are a social unit rule.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:10614a8f-b069-406a-bc98-2f43b3d87fda">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : I mean, that's probably not likely, but do you still think I want to write his name on an invitation to my wedding? Or do you think my FI wants that? And she's not a BM, just a guest... it's just an uncomforatble situation and I would rather not be uncomfortable on our wedding day, and I have control over who is invited, so why dig my own grave and invite him? I know it's etiquette but there have to be exceptions!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    There really AREN'T exceptions.  I'm sorry that your friend is dating your abusive ex (to me that would be a much bigger question than just the one of inviting him -- if he was so terrible to you then why is she dating him?), but you don't have the right to choose your guests' +1's and your wedding isn't the place to cast judgment on your friends' relationships.
    image

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:10614a8f-b069-406a-bc98-2f43b3d87fda">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : I mean, that's probably not likely, but do you still think I want to write his name on an invitation to my wedding? Or do you think my FI wants that? And she's not a BM, just a guest... it's just an uncomforatble situation and I would rather not be uncomfortable on our wedding day, and I have control over who is invited, so why dig my own grave and invite him? I know it's etiquette but there have to be exceptions!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    <div>In terms of etiquette, you can invite both or invite neither. If you don't want to be rude, you need to leave your friend off the list as well. </div>
    image
  • GUYS YOU DO NOT KNOW NOMADGRRL'S SITUATION. HOW DARE YOU JUDGE.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:a0c1a9cd-9b47-4c6e-b9ac-ae1c20e3f47c">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP- I am dealing with the breaking etiquette rules myself. I made the choice to break etiquette because I know what will happen if specific people are invited to my wedding and we do not have the budget. So, I cut out my mother's husband, uncle & his wife, another uncle, and my brothers. (Note: I am not close with these ppl and have not talked to them in a year or better). Also, we are not having any +1s -<strong>we have a no guest rule.</strong> Unless their name is on the invitation, then they are not invited. (My 19 yr old cousin wanted to bring her bf, I told her no we can not afford it.) And yes, I know I am going to get flack from people for breaking "proper etiquette"- <strong>but please remember-you do not know who I am or what has happened in my life. So do not judge those you do not understand</strong>.
    Posted by nomadgrll[/QUOTE]

    You post on an international open etiquette board, with some of the worst etiquette breaking I've heard. Of course you're going to get judged. You asking for people to NOT "judge those that you don't understand" I just don't understand.
    You are being extremely rude, and so is OP.

    You (the inviter) cannot determine how serious the invitee's relationship is by whether or not you "like" their SO. You cannot break up a social unit, whether or not they are married or not - that's NOT your decision.

    THis is what you sound like:
    "I'm sorry, I can't invite you and your boyfriend of 11 years because he's just not that into you because he hasn't bought you a rock yet... and that's what it's all about you know, a diamond = love. So you have to come alone."
       --- RUDE!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:51971a59-3e64-46f1-92f9-353ebb91d868">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : You think the bride is going to get asaulted at her wedding? You REALLY think it's even likely that this abusive ex will get close enough to her to harm her in a giant group of people?
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

    <div>After hearing so many horrific stories, let met tell you that it would not surprise me at all. But let's assume that the abusive ex-boyfriend manages not to physically assault her.  Abuse comes in many forms, the most common of which is emotional abuse.  Yes, I think that it is highly likely that he could verbally and emotioanlly abuse her. Humiliation is one of the hallmarks of an abuser.</div><div>
    </div><div>She should not have to be put in a position where her ex-boyfriend has the possibilty of interacting with her in any way, regardless of who he is currently dating.  </div>
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