Wedding Etiquette Forum

AE: I want to call off my wedding

I'm so upset. We're suppose to be getting married July 2. The invites have gone out, the responses have come back, and half of my family has already booked their flights for the wedding.

I'm miserable though.

My fiance and I fight non-stop. He is either playing video games, sleeping or complaining about something. He has a great job which pays well, but he hates it. So he calls in sick. I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time before he gets fired. 

I'm currently not working. I have one more year of my professional designation. My days are spent studying for school, and then getting our house organized. (We moved in together into a house we bought in April.) If I ask him to help me hang up a mirror or install a dishwasher, he acts like it's ME inconveniencing him.

I hate living with him. He's not fun. We don't have sex, and tonight he just ripped me a new one because I asked him to bring in the garbage pale from outside. He says hurtful and bizarre things like I'm probably bankrupting us (umm my parents gave us $10,000 for furniture - I'm using THAT money to furnish OUR house). 

He then says that I can't hack school and I will fail because I don't study enough.

We were excited last month to buy a dog. We both find one we liked and bought it. Now all of a sudden tonight he gets it in his head that I bought the dog behind his back. He wants to get rid of it. He complains that there's too much shiit in the backyard. Well, I walk the thing, I feed the thing, I do the yard and clean up the shiit. Like he literally does laundry every now and then and makes my lunches, but other than that I do everything, including all of the yard work. Our neighbours had a street party last week, and he didn't go. He's anti-social and moody. Most of the neighbours on our quiet street thought I lived alone because I'm always out with the dog, and they never see him. 

I think about our impending marriage and it makes me nauseous. We've been together for so long, and I think I can find someone who treats me better, who's attracted to me, and who I have fun with.

But how do I know that it's time to call it off? It's not ALL bad. It just seems like everything is a constant struggle with him. EVERYTHING. I have to call him for dinner because he's playing video games. As of tomorrow, I'm just going to give up trying to eat with him. He can have a cold fucking dinner from now on. 

I'm very happy, and want to call it off, but I'm worried I'll be making a big mistake. We've been together for over 6 years. 

I wish he would call it off so the decision can be made for me. He called me a bitch today, and how I just nag, how he hates living here, and hates his life. I feel the same. 

He makes my positive attitude and happy demeanour go away.
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Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding

  • Sorry for the long rant. 

    I'm just so confused and upset. We bought a house together. He put the downpayment down, we have all of the bills in our names jointly, and I bought the furniture. How do I walk away from all of that mess? 
  • It sounds like, at the very least, you need to postpone.  I have to be a negative nelly, but my cousin had a lot of the same complaints - he doesn't help around the house, fighting all the time, etc - but was too afraid to call it off.  She got married in May, moved out in July and her divorce was finalized at the end of September.  Is it really worth it?
  • You say "It's not ALL bad", but it is.

    This is not a matter of simple disagreements, or annoyances. This is emotional abuse. Your husband should be your partner and someone who supports you. This person you are with is neither of those things. 

    Don't think about the six years you've put in. Think about being happy in the coming six years. Get out of this relationship now.
  • Wow, I'm really sorry. All I can say is that it sounds like you know what you have to do, as painful as it may be. However, it's always easier than a divorce. I honestly wish you the best. You deserve happiness and this should be the happiest time in your life.
  • I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now.

    I would recommend calling off the wedding and seeing if you even WANT to still be in a relationship with your FI.  Maybe counseling will help.  But if you are that unhappy together, it might be best to just make a break of it.

    Also -- calling off a wedding is wayyy less expensive, time-consuming, and hurtful than a divorce will be after you've struggled for several years to try to make a marriage work that isn't working (and perhaps after you have brought children into the equation).

    I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will be all right.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:a6d663c9-d1b4-4d3b-806c-51f4b387c34e">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]You say "It's not ALL bad", but it is. This is not a matter of simple disagreements, or annoyances. This is emotional abuse. Your husband should be your partner and someone who supports you. This person you are with is neither of those things.  Don't think about the six years you've put in. Think about being happy in the coming six years. Get out of this relationship now.
    Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]
    This. Don't focus on the past, but your future. It doesn't even sound like things that are fixable. Have you talked to your FI at all about any of this?
  • I am so sorry. I am actually so shocked by what you wrote that I am wondering if it is MUD (made-up-drama).  

    This is serious: if your guy actually acts like that and if this is how you really feel you NEED to not get married. I mean. honestly, you'd be crazy to get married under these circumstances. 

    I am so sorry. Don't marry him.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:a6d663c9-d1b4-4d3b-806c-51f4b387c34e">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]You say "It's not ALL bad", but it is. This is not a matter of simple disagreements, or annoyances. This is emotional abuse. Your husband should be your partner and someone who supports you. This person you are with is neither of those things.  Don't think about the six years you've put in. Think about being happy in the coming six years. Get out of this relationship now.
    Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto. And don't worry about already having people booked flights and whatnot: I'm sure they'd much rather cancel than have you marry someone you're unhappy with.  Don't settle with this guy just because you've been together so long. I can promise once you find someone who deserves you, you'll look back and wonder why you put up with this stuff.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:11bf073d-3bed-4e06-85e7-e18cc5e8226c">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : This. Don't focus on the past, but your future. It doesn't even sound like things that are fixable. <strong>Have you talked to your FI at all about any of this?</strong>
    Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

    <div>All.of.the.time. </div><div>
    </div><div>To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears. I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then." </div><div>
    </div><div>How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet? </div><div>
    </div><div>I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.? </div>
  • I also want to interject -- one of my good friends was in a similar situation as you (except they weren't engaged).  Her BF of five years literally ignored her.  He played WOW all day and night (no offense to WOW players, that's just what he did), and he didn't do anything.  Their apartment was a pigsty.  She worked all day, he did nothing but play video games.  She would cry to all of us that she had put so much time and effort and so many years into this relationship, and she was so unhappy, but she didn't want to throw it all away.  It was heartbreaking.

    She eventually called him out on it, and he moved out.  Now, three years later, she's dating an amazing guy who loves her and treats her with the respect she so deserves.  They've been together for almost two years now, and she couldn't be happier. 

    This could be you, too.  You deserve better.
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  • Ditto Drama, I would at least consider postponing. Try to get him to go to some counseling sessions together and I think you both should get help individually. And honestly? He sounds depressed or at least in need of some professional help. The behavior you are describing is not normal by any means.

    I'm sorry you have to make this decision.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:b89df21e-b19f-4c0d-902a-0c1097a6c8c0">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : All.of.the.time.  To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears. I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then."  How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet?  I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.? 
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]

    <div>You can put in all of the effort you want. If he is not willing to put in any effort, things will never get better.</div><div>
    </div><div>I would suggest canceling rather than postponing. If you decide to go that route, it's up to you how much you want to tell people. You can always just tell folks that you'd rather not discuss it.</div>
  • And also, I know this is so unhealthy to think this way, but I just see everyone else's marriages falling apart and relationships ending because of cheating or public fights, and we're nothing like that. We have fun together when we actually hang out, but the problems happen when we get home and have stuff to take care of and deal with like money, chores, pets etc. 

    I look at my friends and their boyfriends / husbands, and I know mine is the best in terms of jobs, personality (to other people) etc. I know it's moral relativism to compare, but I still worry that I won't find someone as good.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:b89df21e-b19f-4c0d-902a-0c1097a6c8c0">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : All.of.the.time.  To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears. I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then."  How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet?  I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.? 
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]
    I don't recommend lying, only because I'm not sure if that would help you. Does he want to work on things? Do you anymore after all this because I don't know if I would.
  • You'd be crazy to marry this guy. I am so sorry. But it's true.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:666463be-e87a-40e9-8d30-0c64c34cee21">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : You can put in all of the effort you want. If he is not willing to put in any effort, things will never get better. I would suggest canceling rather than postponing. If you decide to go that route, it's up to you how much you want to tell people. You can always just tell folks that you'd rather not discuss it.
    Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]
    Instead of lying, don't discuss it fully with people. I like that idae.
  • I had tickets booked, hotel rooms set and presents bought for my friend's wedding this winter.  When I got the email 2 weeks before that they had called the wedding off my first thought....and my only thought since then.....was for her well being.  I promise promise promise it is better to get out now rather than go through with this.
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  • ::hugs::

    My brother in law called off his wedding three weeks before the date.  It wasn't right and he knew it.  People had booked flights, hotel rooms, etc... Everything was set.  It took a lot of balls to admit it, but he did the right thing. 

    Honestly, your family is going to understand if it isn't right.  It's much easier (and cheaper!) to call off a wedding rather than go through with it.  They all want you to be happy - the money and inconvience is so secondary.

    My brother in law sent out notices in the mail to all guests.  It was enough time for people to cancel their plans with little penalty.

    Seriously - if it makes you nauseous to think of your future, it isn't working. 

    Best of luck to you. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:5716cc91-179a-45dc-b7ba-6ba06566d515">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]And also, I know this is so unhealthy to think this way, but I just see everyone else's marriages falling apart and relationships ending because of cheating or public fights, and we're nothing like that. We have fun together when we actually hang out, but the problems happen when we get home and have stuff to take care of and deal with like money, chores, pets etc.  I look at my friends and their boyfriends / husbands, and I know mine is the best in terms of jobs, personality (to other people) etc. I know it's moral relativism to compare, but I still worry that I won't find someone as good.
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]

    <div>You should never be in a relationship because you don't think you can find someone better. This guy is not doing anything for you, and worse, he's putting you down for trying to get through school and build a life with him. </div><div>
    </div><div>He does not accept responsibility for his actions (the dog, chores, skipping out of work). He does not appear to want to improve on the things that you are unhappy with. This is not a red flag, this is a flashing red billboard saying "GTFO and find a situation that makes you happy".</div>
  • cenglecengle member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:a6d663c9-d1b4-4d3b-806c-51f4b387c34e">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]You say "It's not ALL bad", but it is. This is not a matter of simple disagreements, or annoyances. This is emotional abuse. Your husband should be your partner and someone who supports you. This person you are with is neither of those things.  <strong>Don't think about the six years you've put in. Think about being happy in the coming six years. Get out of this relationship now.</strong>
    Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

    This. If thinking about marrying your FI makes you feel ill, then you, at the very least, need to postpone, if not call off the wedding altogether. If you won't walk away because of the time you've put in, then imagine how much time you'll waste being unhappy. It's not worth it. You deserve more than what you're getting. *Hugs* and good luck to you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:5716cc91-179a-45dc-b7ba-6ba06566d515">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]And also, I know this is so unhealthy to think this way, but I just see everyone else's marriages falling apart and relationships ending because of cheating or public fights, and we're nothing like that.<strong> We have fun together when we actually hang out, but the problems happen when we get home and have stuff to take care of and deal with like money, chores, pets etc.</strong>  I look at my friends and their boyfriends / husbands, and I know mine is the best in terms of jobs, personality (to other people) etc. I know it's moral relativism to compare, but I still worry that I won't find someone as good.
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]

    The problems come in when you act like a married couple and not like a couple that is just dating.

    Stop trying to rationalize staying with this chump. He clearly does not treat you well, and I promise you that your family and friends will be more concerned with your happiness (and emotional safety at this point) than with having booked flights already.
  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:5716cc91-179a-45dc-b7ba-6ba06566d515">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]And also, I know this is so unhealthy to think this way, but I just see everyone else's marriages falling apart and relationships ending because of cheating or public fights, and we're nothing like that. We have fun together when we actually hang out, but the problems happen when we get home and have stuff to take care of and deal with like money, chores, pets etc.  I look at my friends and their boyfriends / husbands, and I know mine is the best in terms of jobs, personality (to other people) etc. I know it's moral relativism to compare, but I still worry that I won't find someone as good.
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]

    Don't focus on everyone else's husbands or boyfriends and think you've got a good man. Because from what you've said here, I don't believe you. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I'm sorry you're going through this, but if I ever had any doubts about the person I was going to marry (which it sounds like you've got a lot of them) then I wouldn't even consider going through with it. Marriage does not fix things. Marriage will not be the magic glue that will hold this relationship together. Those that get married to "save" a relationship are the same people that have kids to "save" their marriage.
  • Cancel the wedding, don't postpone.

    There is no sense being miserable.

    The issues the two of you seem to be facing aren't something that can be cured in a couple months.  I agree that you two need time apart and.or counselling like PP's have said.

    A cousin of my was with her now ex for 11 years ( 9 years dating off and on, 2 yearsmarried) and they divorced because of the same issues they had when they were dating. Some issues/differences between people just can't be changed and sometimes, people are just better off NOT together.

    You deserve so much better. Take care of yourself and make yourself happy. Screw what other people think.
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  • I think you know what you have to do.  It's just coming to terms with taking care of everything that would need to be done.  Thinking about your situation, I can totally understand why this would be so difficult.

    You can do this.  You are strong enough to stand without him, and I'm sure your family and friends would be there to support you through all of it.  Sure, it would be shiitty for a while. There's no denying that.  But think about the life that you could have in the future.  You could spend the rest of your life feeling like this, or you can have the chance to meet someone who really cares for and respects you.

    You can do it, OP.  You will be ok.  I promise.
  • I'm so sorry you are going through this.  His behavior sounds awful, and you don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you.  I would definitely at least postpone, potentially cancel, and I think PPs have given you good comments about how your guests will just be glad you're doing what's right for you.  

    Just a thought--I would be worried if someone I thought I knew well for 6 years suddenly transformed into this nasty, mean person.  It's definitely possible that these are traits that are being revealed because you're with him all the time now that you've moved it together, and he hasn't actually changed.  However, if his behavior is totally out of left field, it might be good for him to get some counseling and/or see a doctor to see if there's any reason for these changes.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:5716cc91-179a-45dc-b7ba-6ba06566d515">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]And also, I know this is so unhealthy to think this way, but I just see everyone else's marriages falling apart and relationships ending because of cheating or public fights, and we're nothing like that. We have fun together when we actually hang out, but<strong> the problems happen when we get home and have stuff to take care of and deal with like money, chores, pets etc</strong>.  I look at my friends and their boyfriends / husbands, and I know mine is the best in terms of jobs, personality (to other people) etc. I know it's moral relativism to compare, but I still worry that I won't find someone as good.
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]


    All of that stuff is REAL life. If you're having problems now, it's never going to change. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but just take a step back and really look at what you're getting yourself into. You deserve better and you CAN find someone better.
  • I wish I'd had these feelings before my first wedding.

    I had them 6 months in. I did nothing. Four years later, after I had been turned into a shell of what I had been and emotionally abused, I left him (and the day I turned him, I left the house for a couple of hours - he found that I'd run a credit report on myself and figured I was looking for an apartment). While I was out, he turned off my cell phone; I had to use a display phone at Circuit City to call my parents and buy a new phone.
    I got home, he'd hidden the computer cables and changed the passwords.

    He'd lost control and couldn't take it.

    Don't let it get to that point. I should have known before; I was too excited about getting married. I should have left 6 months in, but I didn't want to give up.

    Don't be that person. The repair work on yourself is much, much harder.
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  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:5716cc91-179a-45dc-b7ba-6ba06566d515">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]And also, I know this is so unhealthy to think this way, but I just see everyone else's marriages falling apart and relationships ending because of cheating or public fights, and we're nothing like that. We have fun together when we actually hang out, but the problems happen when we get home and have stuff to take care of and deal with like money, chores, pets etc.  I look at my friends and their boyfriends / husbands, and I know mine is the best in terms of jobs, personality (to other people) etc.<strong> I know it's moral relativism to compare, but I still worry that I won't find someone as good.</strong>
    Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's how you're thinking right now because you're panicking about the upcoming wedding and trying to talk yourself out of cutting your losses.  Trust me, there is someone out there for you, someone who won't make you feel bad.</div>
  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    500 Comments
    Yup, call it off.

    A good friend of mine just got divorced too. She was only married for 4 years. And the reasons? Same ones they had while dating. People don't change. My mom jokes that after marriage, men get worse, not better (she's kidding, but it's definitely true that people don't change just because they exchange vows).

    You sound miserable. And it doesn't matter how hard you work, it doesn't sound like he cares enough to make an effort. He either 1) respects you so little that he thinks you'll never leave or 2) doesn't really care if you do. Neither scenario is very pretty.

    We were once invited to a wedding for one of H's friends who called it off a month before. It was a DW, and we'd bought tickets already. Did we care? We were a bit annoyed we had to take a vacation to a place we didn't really want to go to necessarily, but of course we were much happier that he realized the girl wasn't right for him (she was a disaster, but that's another story). They had also just bought a condo, etc. It's 3 years later-- he's sold the condo, started dating a lovely girl, and they're getting married next year.

    Point being, life will go on even if you call off the wedding. This is just a matter of time-- call it off now, or get a divorce in a couple of years after spending another bunch of time being miserable.
  • cenglecengle member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I agree with everyone who's said that it doesn't matter how hard you're willing to work if he's not willing to put in any effort. Perhaps actually calling off the wedding will make him realize that you're serious, and that he needs to shape up. It does sound like he may be suffering from depression or something as well, if this behavior is new. But either way, you can't continue the way things are, or you won't be happy. Something has to give.
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