I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:7308774f-a9ca-4d90-8ae9-f4b065950c65">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]jen, In reading the other post it looked to me like the ILs were at least somewhat OK with the compromises until this: [quote] Now 8 other people have invited themselves to our wedding and in Indian culture it's considered rude not to invite people when they invite themselves (supposedly).  FFIL had a contusion when we refused to invite these people. [/quote] I'm not expert on Indian culture, but that doesn't matter. She's dismissing something that they say is culturally important ettiquette wise to them. Even worse, it's an ettiquette breach within their family (as it appeared to be cousins). Even though the ILs were willing to pay. I wouldn't call that "compromising left and right." Looks to me like they have good reason to feel her FI is abandoning their culture and OP is putting her cultural ideas above her ILs'. I agree with you though that she should be looking at what kind of relationship she'll have with them in the future. That should be her biggest concern right now, not how to craftily replace her FSIL in her wedding.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Thurman, did you read the other thread about this?  Sorry, but FILs are being totally dismissive of the OP and anything relating to HER culture, and it's her wedding too.  They want it all their own way or nothing.  They are not even "somewhat okay" with anything that wasn't what they wanted. 

The OP did agree to some of what they wanted, and then they made further demands on her and her FI and kept having temper tantrums when there was any hesitation at all, so the OP and her FI kept caving.  Sorry, but that IS "compromising right and left."  I don't see how they can have ANY relationship with people who keep having temper tantrums and insisting on their way or no wedding at all but want the OP to totally ignore her own culture, background, family and friends in favor of what they want, to the point where the FI has to lay down the line.

thurmanpowell

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_hinduchristian-wedding-2-ceremonies-1-day


I really don't understand why you guys can't do something like this. This is what I've typically seen in these situations. Very respectful to BOTH cultures.

It should be especially easy since you claim you wanted a small JOP wedding to begin with. You seem pretty stuck on having it your way here, and that's fine (good luck!). But for any lurkers who find themselves in a similar situation, something like this doesn't have to be so dramatic.

FWIW, not only am I have an interracial/inter-religious wedding myself, I am the product of an inter-religious marriage. People have had to make sacrifices to accomodate others, that's just how it works. You don't get your cake and eat it too, you include them (which may mean doing things you don't want to do) and have a much easier time, or you excluding them and get the above situation.

Jen4948

Because the FILs aren't willing to accept an interfaith wedding, and the OP and her FI may not have the time or money to do this.  Nor should they have to.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:864d5458-13c0-4126-9436-7863f2e0b7f1">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_hinduchristian-wedding-2-ceremonies-1-day">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_hinduchristian-wedding-2-ceremonies-1-day</a><strong> I really don't understand why you guys can't do something like this.</strong>This is what I've typically seen in these situations. Very respectful to BOTH cultures. It should be especially easy since you claim you wanted a small JOP wedding to begin with. You seem pretty stuck on having it your way here, and that's fine (good luck!). But for any lurkers who find themselves in a similar situation, something like this doesn't have to be so dramatic.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

I'll try to keep this monosyllabic, in the hopes that you can finally get it. <strong>This is not what <em><u>they</u></em> want to do for their wedding.</strong> Man, I had it nailed, right up until the very end.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2afb568e-3ad6-462f-aac5-e07a0baf2baf">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]Because the FILs aren't willing to accept an interfaith wedding, and the OP and her FI may not have the time or money to do this.  Nor should they have to.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

I didn't say anything about an "interfaith" wedding? Although the older post seemed like the ILs WERE accepting it, OP put her foot down at the guest list.

That thread is about doing two seperate ceremonies, one traditionally indian, one traditionally american, then a reception. That's what I've seen happen most of the time too. Again, if OP wanted something small and JOP style, why couldn't they have a small wedding, American style, in the morning, then a hindu wedding and reception afterward? She's  far from the first person to have this issue and this solution has been working out pretty well for others

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:244e5ffe-6c8a-43c7-aabe-6cd39d5bb385">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : I'll try to keep this monosyllabic, in the hopes that you can finally get it. This is not what they want to do for their wedding. Man, I had it nailed, right up until the very end.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure I said it was fine for OP to do what she wanted, BUT INCLUDED THAT INFO FOR LURKERS. Try reading the whole post before you comment.

I get that they only want to do what they want to do, that's fine. I'm just saying that the whole "We tried sooo hard to compromise, there's <em>nothing else</em> that can be done" line is a bunch of bull.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:d7ba88c4-0458-4255-9c57-bc37ae1e7bca">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : I'm pretty sure I said it was fine for OP to do what she wanted, BUT INCLUDED THAT INFO FOR LURKERS. Try reading the whole post before you comment. <strong>I get that they only want to do what they want to do, that's fine. I'm just saying that the whole "We tried sooo hard to compromise, there's nothing else that can be done" line is a bunch of bull.</strong>
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but when one side refuses to compromise, and apparently they've gone back on what was previously "okay," there is nothing else that can be done to include them peacefully.  It is <strong>not</strong> "a bunch of bull." 

They've indicated that if they don't get exactly what they want, they want there to be nothing.  A "small American ceremony" won't do it for them-and perhaps the OP and her FI don't have the extra time and money for that plus a Hindu ceremony with everything the ILs want-especially since there's no indication that they're willing to pay for any part of it?

Peledreamsofrain

Ok, but at what point is all the compromising encroach into the territory of disrespecting the other culture?  Why is the FI's family more important to bend over for culturally?  Because they're louder and nastier to his future wife about their demands?  In her culture, inviting 8 people without asking the bride and groom is MASSIVELY rude.  Why must all the bending, accomodating, scraping, and sensitivity happen on one front and not the other?

Also, just because the FSIL is from a certain culture doesn't remove the chance from the equation that she's a self-centered nasty drama llama.  Every culture produces those.  I'm not sure why being a certain heritage gives her some kind of shield that allows her to do emotional harm to the couple without worry of recrimination.

Seriously, I stand by my original recommendation of telling the family "You've been so hurtful to the both of us that we don't even want a ceremony" and just using the leftover money to elope somewhere and have a nice honeymoon.  But then, I can't stand people being out and out nasty to my face, and almost always just leave them to make ugly faces at a wall instead.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:eb072432-6709-4593-9613-6201e97295cd">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Sorry, but when one side refuses to compromise, and apparently they've gone back on what was previously "okay," there is nothing else that can be done to include them peacefully.  It is not "a bunch of bull."  They've indicated that if they don't get exactly what they want, they want there to be nothing.  <strong>A "small American ceremony" won't do it for them-and perhaps the OP and her FI don't have the extra time and money for that plus a Hindu ceremony with everything the ILs want-especially since there's no indication that they're willing to pay for any part of it?</strong>
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]


...did you read the first post? Her IL's were going to pay for ALL of it!

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:d7ba88c4-0458-4255-9c57-bc37ae1e7bca">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help :<strong> I'm pretty sure I said it was fine for OP to do what she wanted,</strong> BUT INCLUDED THAT INFO FOR LURKERS. Try reading the whole post before you comment. I get that they only want to do what they want to do, that's fine. I'm just saying that the whole "We tried sooo hard to compromise, there's nothing else that can be done" line is a bunch of bull.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]
Go re-read what you wrote, and I quoted (and even bolded in the quote). I'll even rewrite it here for you: "I really don't understand why you guys can't do something like this."

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:6939db60-af89-48e5-a4a6-b688da2e51f8">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Ok, but at what point is all the compromising encroach into the territory of disrespecting the other culture?</strong>  Why is the FI's family more important to bend over for culturally?  Because they're louder and nastier to his future wife about their demands?  In her culture, inviting 8 people without asking the bride and groom is MASSIVELY rude.  Why must all the bending, accomodating, scraping, and sensitivity happen on one front and not the other? Also, just because the FSIL is from a certain culture doesn't remove the chance from the equation that she's a self-centered nasty drama llama.  Every culture produces those.  I'm not sure why being a certain heritage gives her some kind of shield that allows her to do emotional harm to the couple without worry of recrimination. Seriously, I stand by my original recommendation of telling the family "You've been so hurtful to the both of us that we don't even want a ceremony" and just using the leftover money to elope somewhere and have a nice honeymoon.  But then, I can't stand people being out and out nasty to my face, and almost always just leave them to make ugly faces at a wall instead.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

That's a really good question. The answer depends on the couple. This is exactly why inter-cultural couples can have such isses. At the end of the day, one culture is going to win out. OP needs to ask herself if her marriage is worth cutting off her future ILs because she has clearly decided her culture is the one she wants to go with.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:d0e8a008-604d-42af-a9fb-5517b2fd95bb">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Go re-read what you wrote, and I quoted (and even bolded in the quote). I'll even rewrite it here for you: "I really don't understand why you guys can't do something like this."
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]


continue reading what I wrote.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:186ccb23-6cb7-4672-92e7-e8622e5f9919">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : ...did you read the first post? Her IL's were going to pay for ALL of it!
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>They would only pay for it (and they never offered to pay for ALL of anything) if we had only one ceremony- a Hindu ceremony.  
</div>

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2c7624c7-da68-4f34-8673-0e40c989d784">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : They would only pay for it (and they never offered to pay for ALL of anything) if we had only one ceremony- a Hindu ceremony.  
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]


So... they would rather you not have the Hindu ceremony, complete to their specifications, if you guys did you own JOP ceremony at another time the way you wanted yourself? You actually asked them that and they said no?

I find that hard to believe that happened and then they went along (at least until recently) with the interfaith thing you have going now.

melb2013

I don't need to justify our reasons for not wanting two ceremonies but there were several factors: money, time, and we both believe that weddings are about the coming together of two cultures.  If you have two separate ceremonies, then you have not blended anything.  This is why we immediately refused their money and started to plan one ceremony that would take both religions and cultures into account.  They put up a fuss about this for many months, but seemed to have been resigned to it until resent weeks where they told us that if we won't do an entirely Hindu ceremony, then we shouldn't do anything because it won't mean anything religiously. 

sarabellam

Thurman, I'll admit defeat here. You continue to be deliberately obtuse, and bordering on so dense that light bends around you. OP, good luck with the situation.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:ac853991-e200-4b19-aa45-edfa82dea727">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : So... they would rather you not have the Hindu ceremony, complete to their specifications, if you guys did you own JOP ceremony at another time the way you wanted yourself?
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Was that English?  I'll attempt to respond- they have made it very clear that this an all of nothing situation.  We either have the wedding and ceremony the way they want it or we should do nothing that they want.

</div>

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:01457955-be96-4a99-9a23-891ce9bbffc9">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]Thurman, I'll admit defeat here. You continue to be deliberately obtuse, and bordering on so dense that light bends around you. OP, good luck with the situation.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks :)</div>

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:186ccb23-6cb7-4672-92e7-e8622e5f9919">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : ...did you read the first post? Her IL's were going to pay for ALL of it!
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Except that they weren't willing to make any concessions whatsoever to the OP and her culture and background.  And that's after throwing temper tantrums, and it's not okay to the OP.  Then the FSIL got in on it and called the OP "disrespectful."  So none of them have been showing the OP any respect at all, and it sounds like nothing she could say or do except totally cave to them would get them to stop. Even the FI wants their meddling to stop.

And, even if the ILs want to pay for all of it, it sounds like the OP and her FI have just reached their limits, and they don't have the extra time or energy for a totally Hindu wedding for the FILs, especially when it doesn't appear that it will do a thing to stop their meddling and disrespect for the OP.

And it won't end even if they did have the Hindu wedding...it would give the ILs the idea that all they have to do whenever the OP and her FI do anything they don't want is throw a temper tantrum.  What if the OP and her FI have kids, and these people start making demands about the kids and throwing around labels like "disrespectful" if the OP and her FI don't agree with them?  They're not showing one ounce of respect for her.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:d203c614-b055-4c64-a9a8-0b2a791df8da">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I don't need to justify our reasons</strong> for not wanting two ceremonies but there were several factors: money, time, and we both believe that weddings are about the coming together of two cultures.  If you have two separate ceremonies, then you have not blended anything.  This is why we immediately refused their money and started to plan one ceremony that would take both religions and cultures into account.  They put up a fuss about this for many months, but seemed to have been resigned to it until resent weeks where they told us that if we won't do an entirely Hindu ceremony, then we shouldn't do anything because it won't mean anything religiously. 
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

Not to me you don't, but you should TRY to come to terms with your ILs. Not just try to convince them to do it your way, but try to understand them as well. The ceremony very well might be meaningless to them the way you cut it up. I'm sorry to hear that you and FI are having issues with the marraige at all, but assuming everything goes well you are going to have to get along with these people, regardless of what you think of their actions.

One thing I notice here is that you seem to be very much agaisnt any idea that goes agaisnt the ettiqutte board hive mind (have you even considered posting this in one of the inter-whatever boards?). Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but how well equiped do you think this board is to handle such an issue? Check out Pele's last response, no offense to her but she would have a hard time in an inter-anything relationship with that mindset. How well did their answer from your last question help you out?

Maybe you should step outside of your comfort zone.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:72dad2ae-98a5-4f7b-8241-5c1ccfb24792">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help :<strong> Except that they weren't willing to make any concessions whatsoever to the OP and her culture and background.</strong>  And that's after throwing temper tantrums, and it's not okay to the OP.  Then the FSIL got in on it and called the OP "disrespectful."  So none of them have been showing the OP any respect at all, and it sounds like nothing she could say or do except totally cave to them would get them to stop. Even the FI wants their meddling to stop. And, even if the ILs want to pay for all of it, it sounds like the OP and her FI have just reached their limits, and they don't have the extra time or energy for a totally Hindu wedding for the FILs, especially when it doesn't appear that it will do a thing to stop their meddling and disrespect for the OP. And it won't end even if they did have the Hindu wedding...it would give the ILs the idea that all they have to do whenever the OP and her FI do anything they don't want is throw a temper tantrum.  What if the OP and her FI have kids, and these people start making demands about the kids and throwing around labels like "disrespectful" if the OP and her FI don't agree with them?  They're not showing one ounce of respect for her.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]


Ok, let's stop pretending a small JOP wedding is the cultural equivilent to thousands of years of religious tradition. Not to say that a newer culture won't be able to compete with Hinduism, but seriously, small JOP weddings are NOT a cultural tradition. That's just a preference.

The only cultural tradition they're impeding upon is that in the US the bride usually gets final say. This bride is chosing for her final say to be that which makes her ILs uncomfortable. It's HER choice, yes, but that's what her choice amounts to.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:ac853991-e200-4b19-aa45-edfa82dea727">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : So... they would rather you not have the Hindu ceremony, complete to their specifications, if you guys did you own JOP ceremony at another time the way you wanted yourself? You actually asked them that and they said no? I find that hard to believe that happened and then they went along (at least until recently) with the interfaith thing you have going now.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are completely dense.  I don't know what your personal stake in this is, but you need to learn to read what I've written.  They either wanted on Hindu ceremony or a non-Hindu ceremony.  They were silent about our interfaith ceremony because my FI put his foot down about it and I guess they figured it was something.  They are so upset about the guest list (that they've added to several times already) situation that they are back on the ceremony kick.</div>

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:e468206d-0ce6-4116-9bf2-60d044245f8e">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Ok, let's stop pretending a small JOP wedding is the cultural equivilent to thousands of years of religious tradition. Not to say that a newer culture won't be able to compete with Hinduism, but seriously, small JOP weddings are NOT a cultural tradition. That's just a preference.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It is what WE wanted.  It's what my family would expect as well, not that that was part our decision making.  Having no religion does not make my beliefs less significant. </div><div>
</div><div>They helped me in my last thread by enforcing the fact that I shouldn't get involved, which they were right.  I asked an etiquette question here, nothing about inter-faith, inter-religious weddings.

</div>

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:554b0561-0499-4846-8c5f-5bd69c7de76f">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : You are completely dense.  I don't know what your personal stake in this is, but you need to learn to read what I've written.  They either wanted on Hindu ceremony or a non-Hindu ceremony.  They were silent about our interfaith ceremony because my FI put his foot down about it and I guess they figured it was something.  They are so upset about the guest list (that they've added to several times already) situation that they are back on the ceremony kick.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

You can think I'm dense if you want, but I'm in your same boat, grew up in your same boat... yet don't have this issue. Hmmm...

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:c5a927b7-e2a5-4d4d-92fb-9a1cf000548d">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : <strong> It is what WE wanted.  It's what my family would expect as well, not that that was part our decision making.  Having no religion does not make my beliefs less significant. </strong> They helped me in my last thread by enforcing the fact that I shouldn't get involved, which they were right.  I asked an etiquette question here, nothing about inter-faith, inter-religious weddings.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]


You realize I didn't argue agaisnt this right? YOU want to do what YOU want to do. THEY are unhappy, which is their right. Now, YOU ALL have problems. That consequence seems more than worth it to you, which is fine. Are you mad that I keep bluntly saying this drama is a consequence of your actions? Tough. That's the truth. 

misssunshine17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:3464c0ee-fbe0-457b-8dc4-13425cf76d34">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : You can think I'm dense if you want, but I'm in your same boat,<strong> grew up in your same boat... yet don't have this issue. Hmmm...</strong>
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>Take your condescending ass somewhere else. You have been utterly unhelpful to the OP. </div>

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:3464c0ee-fbe0-457b-8dc4-13425cf76d34">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : You can think I'm dense if you want, but I'm in your same boat, grew up in your same boat... yet don't have this issue. Hmmm...
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I also was raised by inter faith parents so I fully know what's going on here.  

</div>

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:120de231-a4b0-4fdd-b590-006ca5d76662">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Take your condescending ass somewhere else. You have been utterly unhelpful to the OP. 
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

This isn't any more condensending then anything else that happens in this thread. I bring up my own situation to show the OP that her way is far from the only way this issue needs to be handled. This is "unhelpful" because the OP isn't willing to looking at any of her consequnces.

My mother had a wedding complete to the specifications of my Fathers religion. My mother was NOT a push over in anyway, and my paternal family didn't dictate their life. They realized that a wedding isn't just about the couple, so they did something that their guests and relatives were comfortable with. They were married for 20+ years until my father died.

On the other hand,  OP may not even get to be married, all over something as simple as 8 extra guests.

Go ahead and call me wrong. I certainly don't <em>feel </em>wrong. 

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:e468206d-0ce6-4116-9bf2-60d044245f8e">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : <strong> Ok, let's stop pretending a small JOP wedding is the cultural equivilent to thousands of years of religious tradition. </strong>Not to say that a newer culture won't be able to compete with Hinduism, but seriously, small JOP weddings are NOT a cultural tradition. That's just a preference. The only cultural tradition they're impeding upon is that in the US the bride usually gets final say. This bride is chosing for her final say to be that which makes her ILs uncomfortable. It's HER choice, yes, but that's what her choice amounts to.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

No one's "pretending" any such thing, so this argument doesn't make it off the ground.  Being Hindu or Indian, or of any or no cultural or religious background, does not entitle the FILs to expect the bride to totally cave in to them, let alone having temper tantrums when the bride doesn't give in with enthusiasm.  Their culture and religion do not take priority over what the bride wants, whatever her culture or religion are or aren't, just because it's what they want.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:c8b093d9-6d0c-4daf-9f96-355d266d96ac">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : I also was raised by inter faith parents so I fully know what's going on here.  
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

Interfaith isn't nearly as big of an issue as inter-religious. Mine were inter-religious.
S