I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:fef1fc85-0249-4086-ae93-73f0c6d29835">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>I also disagree that your lack of religion is just as important as their religion.  If you don't believe in a religion either way, what does it really harm to have a hindu ceremony? </strong>
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]
This last part is just not something I can get my head around.
If you don't believe in a specific religion, then why would you have a religious ceremony featuring that religion? I'm not sure how going through the motions and putting on a show is a better course of action.
mel and her FI putting on a show and playing pretend is not really going to appease the in-laws. You know what will appease them? Their son marrying a Hindu.
Religion or what ever belief system you have is not something that should be compromised.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:fef1fc85-0249-4086-ae93-73f0c6d29835">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought the OP mentioned that she and her FI are having problems over this.  Her statements were something like, "we aren't sure if there is going to be a wedding or a marriage at all" and "I didn't come here to talk about my relationship with my FI; I came here for an etiquette question." Look, I get that your in-laws are jerks.  That is clear.  And I get that you have a right to a wedding that reflects you.  However, the fact that you alluded to a problem with your FI over this makes me wonder if he is really as "on board" with you on this as you think he is.  Even if he is, I think the concern here in the future is that he may resent you if he totally loses his relationships with his family over this wedding.  I think the risk of that is sky high.  It makes me think you guys maybe could have, should have, or should give in to his parents a little more. I get wanting to have the wedding you want to have, but as adults we all come to learn after a certain point in time that sometimes sucking it up to appease people is worth it.  <strong>If your options are appeasing your in laws and having a wedding that you might wish had been slightly different and not appeasing your in laws and having a husband who has no relationship with his parents and who may come to resent you for it, I think the choice is pretty clear.  </strong> A wedding is one DAY, and your relationship with these people is more important than your wedding day.  Your husband's relationship with his parents is even more important....even though they are jerks, they are his PARENTS, and he is going to deeply regret it if this wedding (not the marriage, but the one-day wedding) ruins his relationships with them. I also disagree that your lack of religion is just as important as their religion.  If you don't believe in a religion either way, what does it really harm to have a hindu ceremony? 
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]


Amen. If this is worth OP ruining her relationship, that says volumes.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:59f706a7-06ae-4a2f-a2f3-5a9fdd72b33d">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Are you for real?  She's going to have a ceremony that she nor her FI want just to appease the in-laws.  I guess next she'll be getting pregnant when they tell them to?
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
And doing the Hindu mundan ceremony.  (I totally just googled that)

melb2013

Wow I can't believe what I started here.  I thought I was just asking a trivial etiquette question that might make my FI feel a little better.

I had no intention of dissecting my relationship with my FI or with my FIL's over the internet.  For all of those who stuck up for me, thank you.  I might give you all an update after the weekend.  For the few who didn't, if you treat your SO's like the way you expect my FI and I to treat each other, I'd start looking for a divorce lawyer.  This isn't just about a wedding, this is about how FIL's feel that they can control our decisions that we make as a couple regarding our wedding, what house we buy, where we live, what cars we buy, how we will raise our children, and decisions regarding our careers.  Whenever we make a decision that they do not approve of, they throw a fit.  I can't live my life like this and my FI is amazing in that he is willing to sacrifice everything for us to make a family together.  I struggle with his decision to sacrifice his family for us because I know that the pain of it can put a strain on a relationship.  We have had very serious talks the past few days about whether we should get married, but if he's willing to stand by my side through it, I want to stand by his.  Basically this issue has been building for the past 4 years and has come to a head regarding the wedding, but I want to make it clear that it is not about the wedding alone.

I'd also like to say that for my FIL's, the wedding (like everything else) is an all or nothing situation. They didn't like our compromises about anything because the compromises didn't give them EVERYTHING they wanted.  We were willing to sacrifice a lot of what we wanted for our wedding to make them happy, but enough is enough at this point.

There was a silver lining to all of this- we are a much stronger couple because of these issues and I'm so glad we got a chance to see the reality of the issues and work through before we got married.  He is an amazing man who is honorable, respectful, and loyal with a very strong character.

Simply Fated

Compromise can only work if both sides are willing to compromise. Your in-laws don't sound like they want to compromise. It sounds like they want the whole mile, not the inch or even the several yards.

NYCMercedes

How can I zoom up to NH to give you both a big hug to make it all go away, Melb?

36798099

i haven't commented on any of this before....but god bless you, you poor thing. he sounds like a wonderful man and i wish you both the best of luck...as for his family, well sometimes you have to loose everything before you see what is gone. perhaps after they see what their blind actions have lost them, they will learn how to act like adults and make an effort to reach out to the both of you going into the future

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:615c08c7-07c8-41bf-88c2-e6088764182b">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]  <strong>This isn't just about a wedding, this is about how FIL's feel that they can control our decisions that we make as a couple regarding our wedding, what house we buy, where we live, what cars we buy, how we will raise our children, and decisions regarding our careers</strong>.  

<strong>my FI is amazing in that he is willing to sacrifice everything for us to make a family together.</strong>   <strong>but if he's willing to stand by my side through it, I want to stand by his.               </strong>

.  <strong>We were willing to sacrifice a lot of what we wanted for our wedding to make them happy, but enough is enough at this point</strong>. T<strong>here was a silver lining to all of this- we are a much stronger couple because of these issues and I'm so glad we got a chance to see the reality of the issues and work through before we got married.  He is an amazing man who is honorable, respectful, and loyal with a very strong character</strong>.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

To the others on this thred:

The first part has been mentioned on several of OP's other posts. They were intending on a very small ceremony and have compromised their way into a very large wedding.

To the second: Also, according to several other of OP's other posts, she has let FI handle this situation and deal with the FILs; if he didn't agree with her and disagree with them, she would be frustrated with him not supporting her.

To the third: you are a lucky lady and I wish a long, happy marriage for you!!

<strong>AND, to those who said "what's the big deal if they have a religious ceremony if they don't believe"-- That is HIGHLY offensive</strong> to everyone who does believe in that religion, be it Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or any other religion or beleif systems (don't forget about Pagans or Wiccans). If two non-believers go through the motions of one of these cultural ceremonies that their personl faith is not grounded in, it is essentially mocking that belief system and saying that it doensn't matter and doesn't have to be taken seriously. I think it's more noble for OP and her FI to refuse the money, have the ceremony they want and try to incorporate some the FILs requests than to have a full Hindu ceremony and reception that neither of them want or beleive in.


Rock on.

BostonGIrl4732

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:1ec028f9-f0f0-4b55-83c3-8a36ef7c341b">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this horse has been sucessfully beat far past death, but I just wanted to add something to the OP:   <strong>I think it's really awesome that your FI is standing up for you two as a couple so much.  So many couples let controlling parents run steam roll over them, and it winds up erroding the relationship or showing the parents that they can get away with it.  (Read the tux groom post on this page.)  It really says a lot about his character that he remembers that this wedding is between you and him, not anyone's parents, and that he's putting his relationship with you first, even when it gets difficult.</strong> I hope the crazy doesn't scare you off too much and that you'll come back and update us after he talks to his parents.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Add my name to the list of co-signers.  Your FI is awesome and I really hope everything works out.  The situation is awful but it sounds like the two of you have the tools to work it out and make something work for the two of you.

</div>

bunni727

Mel, if you are still around, I'd like to add that I totally get why you asked your question about FSIL.

It wasn't that you cared so much more about who stands where that that was your first concern in all this, I don't think. I do think it was more about having something that you could fix, something that made sense and had a clear answer that you could focus on, and I don't think there is anything screwy about your priorities.