Controversy Over Date Rape at AU

cac847

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_controversy-over-date-rape-au?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a29dea24-6d71-49be-8ae2-6870a82edc9dPost:815be25d-9da8-4a36-9abd-3217adf90391">Re: Controversy Over Date Rape at AU</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Controversy Over Date Rape at AU : I just caught up on all this, but I want to say that Kate is dead-on here.  I was date raped in college, and while I wasn't going along willingly, I just laid there terrified.  It's sort of a different case for me since I was just frozen, recalling a previous trauma, and if it weren't for that I probably would have at least been able to say no. He had been drinking and I think maybe he was a little too drunk to notice, and maybe he was rougher than he would have been sober, but I still don't consider it an excuse.  The next day he called me and tried to apologize, saying something like, "I was a little wasted, but I seem to remember you weren't really into it."  I don't think that excuses him. This is probably the most upsetting thread I've ever seen on this board.
Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]

This happened to me too, except I was actually passed out and woke up in the middle. I figured what's done is done so at that point there was no use resisting and eventually he stopped and I went back to sleep and left in the morning. I was wrong when I thought I could trust him (at that point I had been seeing him for a few weeks) and willingly drank as much as did and stayed in his apartment. If I hadn't been dumb it wouldn't have happened. Just because what he did was horrible doesn't absolve me of all blame.

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_controversy-over-date-rape-au?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a29dea24-6d71-49be-8ae2-6870a82edc9dPost:8e6743a4-6f0a-490f-8e7b-61c0b9c1c504">Re: Controversy Over Date Rape at AU</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Controversy Over Date Rape at AU : This happened to me too, except I was actually passed out and woke up in the middle. I figured what's done is done so at that point there was no use resisting and eventually he stopped and I went back to sleep and left in the morning. I was wrong when I thought I could trust him (at that point I had been seeing him for a few weeks) and willingly drank as much as did and stayed in his apartment. If I hadn't been dumb it wouldn't have happened. <strong>Just because what he did was horrible doesn't absolve me of all blame.
</strong>Posted by cac847[/QUOTE]

<div>Please don't think that. I know it's not my business, but a victim is NEVER at fault for what happened to them. Never. I don't care how much you drank, what you wore, where you were, a victim is NEVER at fault. I'm so sorry.</div>

ExpatPumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_controversy-over-date-rape-au?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a29dea24-6d71-49be-8ae2-6870a82edc9dPost:8e6743a4-6f0a-490f-8e7b-61c0b9c1c504">Re: Controversy Over Date Rape at AU</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Controversy Over Date Rape at AU : This happened to me too, except I was actually passed out and woke up in the middle. I figured what's done is done so at that point there was no use resisting and eventually he stopped and I went back to sleep and left in the morning. I was wrong when I thought I could trust him (at that point I had been seeing him for a few weeks) and willingly drank as much as did and stayed in his apartment. If I hadn't been dumb it wouldn't have happened. Just because what he did was horrible doesn't absolve me of all blame.
Posted by cac847[/QUOTE]

I'm so sorry this happened to you :(  And from what you're describing, you obviously didn't give any type of consent and weren't even participating - you were passed out when he started!  This is 100% not your fault.

cac847

First of, thanks for your concern Kate and Expat.

But the fact is if I hadn't behaved the way I did I wouldn't have been there and it wouldn't have happened. I don't feel like a victim either. A bad thing happened to me, I got over it and went on with my life. I think it actually helps to accept that I played a role in what happened, because then I can keep it from happening again, if that makes any sense.

sarabear23

Im late to this, and didnt read everything, but here is my take on it.
If you go to that party, get insanely drunk and end up having sex with someone, you cant decide the next day that you didnt want it. Saying no BEFORE it happens is one thing, realizing you didnt something dumb AFTER you did it is another. I do feel sorry for the girls that do get taken advantage of, and I do think that awful things DO happen to some girls. But the ones who just change their mind after the fact really piss me off, as well as the girls who CONTINUE to drink like that and expect nothing bad to ever happen to them.

I'm sorry if this came across in a horrible way, I dont mean to sound insensitive or anything like that.

polichik

I don't think I'm able to say everything that I want to say, but for anyone who had an unwanted sexual experience, nothing that you did, said, wore, drank, or thought meant that you were responsible for what happened to you. Nobody ever has the right to hurt you or violate you in any way. It's completely normal for survivors of sexual assault, especially women, to feel that they were somehow to blame for the attack. It's simply not true. Anyone has the right to change his or her mind at any point during an encounter, and whoever initiates the contact has the responsibility to obtain full, clear, rational consent.

If anyone wants to talk, please send me a PM. I think I'm going to avoid the boards for a little while, since this is really emotionally charged, but I'll check PMs in case anyone wants support or has a question.

I'm glad we can all share opinions, but I think it's important to be mindful that a spirited debate for some may be extremely painful and damaging for others. I don't think anyone on here should have to censor herself, but discussions should be done with care and consideration. I'm surprised at the effect that this thread had on me. I felt that I was completely past my experience, but that just goes to show how lasting trauma can be.

And now I have to get up in 6 hours to go to a class on how to treat survivors of sexual trauma. Life scheduling fail :P Goodnight.

kimheartsscott

I think people who share the same opinion as some of these posters in this thread contributed to my friend never reporting her rape.  Yes, she was drunk.  Yes, she was high.  But, getting drunk and high on your birthday and then passing out in a room alone should not mean you deserve to wake up with a man on top of you.  It was stupid, but people insinuating it could have been her fault because of the drugs lead her to try to ignore it.  Which is even more stupid, but I really can't blame her.

ExpatPumpkin

To anyone who may have been hurt by this, that was certainly not my intention when I posted this.  I never imagined that it would get so emotional, and I feel really bad that some of the comments and opinions posted were so hurtful. 

I won't rehash my stance except to say again that I never said date rape is the girl's fault.  I really hope no one got that impression of me, and I'm so sorry for starting what turned out to be a really insensitive thread   If I would have known it would turn into this, I wouldn't have posted the article.