To go or not to go?

achiduck

I'm a bit torn on whether or not to go to a friend's bridal shower.

Backstory: we've been friends for a few years and don't see each other that often. Then about a month ago she FB'ed me and asked for my address. Seeing that her wedding is at the end of June I figured that I was invited. About a week later I get an invitation for the Travel bridal shower (they registered for their honeymoon and the invite specifically requests travel gift cards).

I was just on FB today, and I see that people have been posting "wow your invites are awesome" for about two weeks (she's very crafty so she DIY'd them). I definitely haven't received an invite so I'm assuming FI and I are not invited.

I RSVP'd for the shower b/c I assumed I'd be invited to the wedding and because she's my friend. But now that it's pretty clear that I'm not invited to the wedding I kind of feel like I was only invited to the shower so they can get as much $$ for the honeymoon as they can.

I really do not want to be a PITA and ask her if we're invited but I'm not sure how I feel about going to the shower.

What would you do?

baystateapple

I wouldn't go to a shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding.  Is there any way your invitation could have been lost in the mail?

aleighk1

I would ask her if your invitation got lost in the mail. If there was no invitation, I would not be attending the shower.

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6615d29-efa1-41d3-ba61-d2459725d978Post:844c7ff3-5580-4cac-98e0-9f82e93be999">Re: To go or not to go?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't go to a shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding.  Is there any way your invitation could have been lost in the mail?
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

It's always possible that the invitation got lost, but the shower invite got here ok, so it's hard to tell. I really don't want to put her on the spot and ask her.

aragx6

I think you should ask her. It's not "putting her on the spot"

MattsPenguin

I would definitely ask.  The invitation to my friend's wedding actually got ripped in half between her house and my house.  It took at least 3 weeks to get to me.  In the meantime, she sent me another one that arrived timely and in one piece.

achiduck

Ok.. I'll try texting her since she's always on her BB.

aleighk1

Let us know what she says

DNAtime

I would ask about the invitation. You really should be getting one since you were invited to the shower. 

IF you are not invited to the wedding call and tell her you can't come to the shower, sorry something came up. (Her rudeness, but I wouldn't tell her that.)

A travel shower. Ewwww. I might just not go  because of that.

TheCranberry

I vote that the call and find out if your invitation got lost.  If you're not invited, it stinks that you're invited to the shower.  I'd probably still go, but I'd get her more of a token gift.

hlq2011

I would ask as well.

But I also wouldn't be inclined to attend a gift card shower in the first place.

LilyWater09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6615d29-efa1-41d3-ba61-d2459725d978Post:5893d7f2-6a23-485f-8489-7991c240c109">Re: To go or not to go?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should ask her. It's not "putting her on the spot"
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]


<strong><u>DITTO!!!</u></strong>   Remember the old saying if you ASS-U-ME something.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />  Think positive.  Maybe it got lost in the mail.  Be direct.  Be brave. 

achiduck

Ok.. I've texted her. Now the wait is on.

laurenpm

I would ask her about it.  Invitations do get lost sometimes...you never know.

I had a similar situation happen to me last year but I attended the shower and bought a gift before invites had gone out.  Then the bride made an announcement at the shower that pretty much said "we're glad you all could be with us today because as you may know our wedding is very small and we weren't able to invite everyone that we wanted to"...I was not too happy bout that!    

baystateapple

Our invite to my BIL's wedding got lost in the mail, but we got the shower invite.  Sometimes shiit just happens.  I'm glad you texted her.

september's bride

Ditto the lost in the mail thing. When I mailed my thank you cards, we brought them to the post office in stacks, rubber banded. An entire stack of 35 cards went missing, from what I can tell. I'm only finding out NOW that people didn't get thank you cards.

I got married in 2009. FML.

scottswife1106

I'm glad you're going to ask. Can't wait to see what she says.

Habs2Hart

Glad you texted her.  We just got our first returned invite.  It was to my grandparents.  I know everything is fine with the address because I gave the same address to another girl and their wedding invitation got to my grandparents just fine. 

It also took 2 weeks for one of my in town guests to get theirs. 

achiduck

No repsonse so far.

scottswife1106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6615d29-efa1-41d3-ba61-d2459725d978Post:4c0b9043-21b3-4b3e-b29c-24cc45a81742">Re: To go or not to go?</a>:
[QUOTE]Glad you texted her.  We just got our first returned invite.  It was to my grandparents.  I know everything is fine with the address because I gave the same address to another girl and their wedding invitation got to my grandparents just fine.  It also took 2 weeks for one of my in town guests to get theirs. 
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

I had a coworker's invite come back. I sent them out 2 months in advance and it didn't come back until 1 week before the wedding. She knew that she was invited and I just gave her an RSVP card at work so that we could use it for the table assignments.

peanutty2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6615d29-efa1-41d3-ba61-d2459725d978Post:7df43595-4c81-462c-b9fe-b524344d7059">Re: To go or not to go?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto the lost in the mail thing. When I mailed my thank you cards, we brought them to the post office in stacks, rubber banded. An entire stack of 35 cards went missing, from what I can tell. I'm only finding out NOW that people didn't get thank you cards. I got married in 2009. FML.
Posted by september's bride[/QUOTE]

oh my!  that makes me feel a tad worried now that this one girl i've been holding a slight grudge against for never sending a thank you card sent one and it got lost :X  then again, i went to her shower, bach, and wedding and got nothing so i doubt both cards got lost!

OP, please keep us posted I'd like to know what she says!  I would of been afraid to ask as well but it is the best thing to do.  I don't like the idea of that type of shower to begin with, but I certainly would not go if I wasn't invited to the wedding! 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would follow up with her. Your invitation may have been lost in the mail. I don't think in this instance it's rude to expect an invitation.

FWIW, I never got my mom's RSVP card, even though her husband mailed it AT the post office.

Mrs.B6302007

I would call and give an excuse not to go.  First, it's a gift card shower.  Ick.  Second, it doesn't sound like you're going to the wedding.

noodle_oo

yeah, I wouldn't go to a gift card shower either unless it was one of my best friends, in which case I'd try to forgive her tackiness.

achiduck

Ok response is in:

"Hey! Unfortuantely we ended up having to keep the list to family and WP dates only. FI's family is big enough that it took up 3/4 of the hall so a lot of friends got set aside ;( I'm really sorry.. if it wasn't so political in his family, I know a lot of them wouldn't have been invited."

So now what? If I back out now it's going to seem bitchy and I don't want to damage our friendship over it.

ETA: Because I cannot type well today.

thesequel

Two solutions - the monkey on my shoulder wants to say something about bad etiquette....the high road is just coming up with a plausable excuse like you have to clean out your closet.

Were the friends on FB commenting a part of her WP?  Or others that didn't fall into what she told you were the invitees?

Good luck!

Brandiewine11

To me, the whole thing sounds gift grabby. I would wait a few days, then back out of the shower with a plausible excuse. Send a card.

The other part of my brain says just don't show up, but I probably wouldn't end up doing that.

peanutty2

I wouldn't go.  I might forgive it if it was a situation where someone was throwing her a shower and didn't realize you weren't invited to the wedding or something.  But if she got your address and therefore gave it to whoever is hosting it, or hosted it herself, and then registered for travel gift cards I think she knows what is going on.  I'd change your rsvp... something came up or your terribly sick or whatever.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6615d29-efa1-41d3-ba61-d2459725d978Post:61b556a4-a7ab-4e53-ad48-e221eb25bea7">Re: To go or not to go?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok response is in: "Hey! Unfortuantely we ended up having to keep the list to family and WP dates only. FI's family is big enough that it took up 3/4 of the hall so a lot of friends got set aside ;( I'm really sorry.. if it wasn't so political in his family, I know a lot of them wouldn't have been invited." So now what? If I back out now it's going to seem bitchy and I don't want to damage our friendship over it. ETA: Because I cannot type well today.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

<div>Given this and the extreme tackiness of the honeymoon shower, I'd just say that something came up. No need to be rude about it or damage the friendship over it, just decline and wish her the best.</div>

millkn2

Wow! That is horrible!!! I would not attend. Just send a card (without a giftcard)! It sounds like all she wants is $$$. You may not want to lose the friendship, but it doesn't sound like she values it much. If she couldn't have you at the wedding, she should not have asked for your addy for the the bridal shower.

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6615d29-efa1-41d3-ba61-d2459725d978Post:f3f84cb7-a6ae-4658-a505-93f5294724fe">Re: To go or not to go?</a>:
[QUOTE]Two solutions - the monkey on my shoulder wants to say something about bad etiquette....the high road is just coming up with a plausable excuse like you have to clean out your closet. Were the friends on FB commenting a part of her WP?  Or others that didn't fall into what she told you were the invitees? Good luck!
Posted by thesequel[/QUOTE]

The FB friend that commented is not in the WP but could be a cousin or other family member?