Bridesmaids Trouble

grk223

So in a nutshell, there was a girl I originally wanted to be a bridesmaid but she went to go live with her parents in Bolivia in July and basically cut off all communication with me. My wedding is this April and being that this girl never sent me a message or an email or anything I found a replacement. I asked another friend of mine who was gracious enough to accept. Because the girl I originally asked was no longer in the wedding I selected a couture bridesmaids gown that does not come in plus sizes. 

Well my fiance was on facebook yesterday and she had a status saying she was coming home next weekend, AND she sent him a message (I don't have a facebook) saying how excited she was to finally go dress shopping and help plan for the wedding.

I went straight into panic mode. I've been friends with this girl for 15 years and neither of her sisters had her in the wedding party so I feel obligated to have her but she's a bigger girl and she WILL NOT fit into the dress I bought for the rest of my bridesmaids. 

Oh FYI, the only reason she's coming home is because her new boyfriend begged her to, just a character reference. 

I'm offended she didn't feel the need to keep in touch with me if we're really "best friends" you'd think she'd email or something, and now that she's coming home she suddenly assumes she's still in the wedding. 

What should I do? 

Do I tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid? How do I do that without hurting her feelings?

Do I let her be a bridesmaid and make her wear a different dress? 

I'm still really angry at her, so I need advice from someone objective. 

PLEASE NOTE! THIS POLL IS A JOKE AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. 

UPDATE 2/22/2012:

My friend has yet to come back to the country. Her boyfriend left her, and because he was her original motivation for coming home she is prolonging her stay in Bolivia. She has posted on facebook that she will be back "in 2 weeks...I hope". 

I unfortunately was met with a lot of hostility because of this post. I did report and/or block anyone who left hateful or rude remarks about me or any other contributors. 

I am looking for genuine advice, not a barrage of insults. If you disagree with me, tell me in a way that is tactful please. 

StephBeanWed61502

::headdesk::

ootmother2

You have one more bridesmaid.

Why is this a big deal to you?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:aac89853-87e9-4a1a-acf5-3a84461a837a">Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]So in a nutshell, there was a girl I originally wanted to be a bridesmaid but she went to go live with her parents in Bolivia in July and basically cut off all communication with me. My wedding is this April and being that this girl never sent me a message or an email or anything I found a replacement. I asked another friend of mine who was gracious enough to accept. Because the girl I originally asked was no longer in the wedding I selected a couture bridesmaids gown that does not come in plus sizes.  Well my fiance was on facebook yesterday and she had a status saying she was coming home next weekend, AND she sent him a message (I don't have a facebook) saying how excited she was to finally go dress shopping and help plan for the wedding (like I'd wait till 3 1/2 months before hand to do planning). I went straight into panic mode. I've been friends with this girl for 15 years and neither of her sisters had her in the wedding party so I feel obligated to have her but she's a bigger girl and she WILL NOT fit into the dress I bought for the rest of my bridesmaids.  Oh FYI, the only reason she's coming home is because her new boyfriend begged her to, just a character reference.  I'm offended she didn't feel the need to keep in touch with me if we're really "best friends" you'd think she'd email or something, and now that she's coming home she suddenly assumes she's still in the wedding.  What should I do?  Do I tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid? How do I do that without hurting her feelings? Do I let her be a bridesmaid and make her wear a different dress?  I'm still really angry at her, so I need advice from someone objective. PLEASE HELP! 
Posted by grk223[/QUOTE]

You never should have replaced her... what kind of message does that send? "Oh hi close friend of 15 years? You are just a pawn in my wedding, so I replaced you when you didn't give me a timely response. Welcome home!"

Rude.

You find a dress that will flow with your other BM dresses and smile that she can share in your big day.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:3b2aab5a-0a0c-4594-88fb-955ecad9f787">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids Trouble : I'm sorry but this made me laugh.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>I started trying to write an answer, and I just... yeah.  </div>

ootmother2

You had better find the material for the BM gown and find a good seamstress to work on this on her visit home

GL

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:aac89853-87e9-4a1a-acf5-3a84461a837a">Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]So in a nutshell, there was a girl I originally wanted to be a bridesmaid but she went to go live with her parents in Bolivia in July and basically cut off all communication with me. My wedding is this April and being that this girl never sent me a message or an email or anything I found a replacement. I asked another friend of mine who was gracious enough to accept. Because the girl I originally asked was no longer in the wedding I selected a couture bridesmaids gown that does not come in plus sizes.  Well my fiance was on facebook yesterday and she had a status saying she was coming home next weekend, AND she sent him a message (I don't have a facebook) saying how excited she was to finally go dress shopping and help plan for the wedding (like I'd wait till 3 1/2 months before hand to do planning). I went straight into panic mode. I've been friends with this girl for 15 years and neither of her sisters had her in the wedding party so I feel obligated to have her but she's a bigger girl and she WILL NOT fit into the dress I bought for the rest of my bridesmaids.  Oh FYI, the only reason she's coming home is because her new boyfriend begged her to, just a character reference.  I'm offended she didn't feel the need to keep in touch with me if we're really "best friends" you'd think she'd email or something, and now that she's coming home she suddenly assumes she's still in the wedding.  What should I do?  Do I tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid? How do I do that without hurting her feelings? Do I let her be a bridesmaid and make her wear a different dress?  I'm still really angry at her, so I need advice from someone objective. PLEASE HELP! 
Posted by grk223[/QUOTE]

So why didn't you contact her before this turned into a problem?

katherynf08

From what it sounds like, I would not have her in the wedding. You want bridesmaids who are there for you and who keep in touch. You can explain to her that with her being far away it wasnt a good fit to have her in the wedding but you still want her to come to the wedding (and the shower/bachelorette party etc.). If she really is a good friend she should understand. 

Gabrielle76

It's never right to replace a bridesmaid, and if you ask someone to be one, and they don't decline, they are a bridesmaid unless they back out. 

Don't be mad at her, she didn't do anything wrong.  Find a dress that will work with the other girls dresses, and be happy that all of your bridesmaids will be present. 

LetsHikeToday

None of the above?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:5b5a3573-5724-46c8-85a2-e55a973dff37">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]From what it sounds like, I would not have her in the wedding. You want bridesmaids who are there for you and who keep in touch. You can explain to her that with her being far away it wasnt a good fit to have her in the wedding but you still want her to come to the wedding (and the shower/bachelorette party etc.). If she really is a good friend she should understand. 
Posted by katherynf08[/QUOTE]

<div>We're <em>already</em> at the part where a clueless noob tells the OP she's totally right and completely justified in treating her friends horribly because hey, it's a wedding?</div>

LittleMissCutiePie

This is of your own making. You should not have replaced her. You need to talk to her, as a friend not a bride, and if you want to continue the friendship, find her a dress that's similar that she can fit into. Shame on you for saying that you'd "make" her do anything. She may have been in the wrong for not calling or emailing or anything, but how do you know that that's the whole story?

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:5b5a3573-5724-46c8-85a2-e55a973dff37">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]From what it sounds like, I would not have her in the wedding. You want bridesmaids who are there for you and who keep in touch. You can explain to her that with her being far away it wasnt a good fit to have her in the wedding but you still want her to come to the wedding (and the shower/bachelorette party etc.). If she really is a good friend she should understand. 
Posted by katherynf08[/QUOTE]

um, you're rather new here, right?
Think about what you just wrote and get back to me later


tia

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:27631697-a70d-484d-953c-4a602f01435d">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids Trouble : Yeah, why isn't one of the options "I shouldn't have replaced her."?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]



Or. I'm so glad I have a friend willing to come to my wedding all the way from Bolivia?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:27631697-a70d-484d-953c-4a602f01435d">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids Trouble : Yeah, why isn't one of the options "I shouldn't have replaced her."?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>Because then the bride would've had uneven sides, <em>duh</em>.  And uneven sides are poision.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  I realize I'm in rare form tonight.  I just really can't even wrap my head around what an awful, awful friend OP is.</div>

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:36a5b5d4-9f80-45dc-a70d-0cdd9aaee626">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids Trouble : Because then the bride would've had uneven sides, duh .  And uneven sides are poision. ETA:  I realize I'm in rare form tonight.  I just really can't even wrap my head around what an awful, awful friend OP is.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]



True. Or unmatched dresses.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:e7c4eddc-272d-42e7-af67-94341430df72">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids Trouble : True. Or unmatched dresses.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>Dude, I'm having <em>a boy</em> on <em>the bride's</em> side of the wedding... my wedding is totally going to be invalid.</div>

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:c1e22260-86f7-455a-bb77-34806cdfd38d">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]This is of your own making. You should not have replaced her. You need to talk to her, as a friend not a bride, and if you want to continue the friendship, find her a dress that's similar that she can fit into. Shame on you for saying that you'd "make" her do anything. She may have been in the wrong for not calling or emailing or anything, but how do you know that that's the whole story?
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Did you ever think that maybe there was something going on with her? She's a lifelong friend. She's happy and excited to see you. Why is this a problem?!

StephBeanWed61502

Ok, now I feel slightly bad about being a jerk, so OP, here's some actual advice:

#1 - Do you have any idea how difficult and expensive it is to "keep in touch" with people in the US when you're living in South America?  My best friend moved to Mexico for 18 months, and the only reason I was able to talk to her at all was because we both had Facebook and Facebook chat is free.  It's not like you live in NY and your friend moved to NJ - she was living in Bolivia, for chrissakes.  Cut the girl some slack.

#2 - Even if you believed she wasn't going to be in your wedding, it's very, very, very poor form to "replace" a bridesmaid who can't make it to your wedding.  It's hurtful both to the BM you're replacing (since you're basically telling the girl she's a placeholder and completely replaceable and unspecial) and it's also rude to the replacement girl (since you're basically telling her she wasn't good enough to be a BM initially, but she's fine to fill in a gap in your photos).

#3 - Your biggest problem is that this poor girl who's been your friend for 15 years, and who was just living in another freaking country but is making the effort to come back here for your wedding is too fat for the dress you picked out?  I would seriously hope that someone I had been friends with for 15 years would care more about me than about whether or not I fit into some froofy bridesmaid dress.

In sum, OP, you are being shallow and ridiculous.  Grow up, be a friend, and figure out a way to include this girl in your bridal party without being a jerk about it.

finesse910

Okay, I feel a little sympathetic, but my main question is: did you try and keep in contact with her? If you did not e-mail her or call her or facebook message her in Bolivia, then... you can't really expect that of her either. It goes both ways. However, if you messaged her on multiple occassions and let her know that you were worried about the wedding/wedding party... and she never responded- I can see how you would be extremely upset. Either way, you should have told her that she was being replaced if you were replacing her. Though... it sounds like you probably should not have been replacing her from the beginning. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt though because I'm currently going through my own bridesmaid drama with an unresponding bridesmaid.

chattychiqa

I still cant get past the fat thing. I was once 300lbs. Believe me, it sucks....but wow. I don't know what else to say.

whitsy

I hate that your friend moved super far away and you've had little to no contact with her. That's sucky, and I'm sure it was hard for you. What type of effort did you try to make with her? Did you try to contact her in any way to see how things were going? If you tried to make contact with her, and she never responded, I can see how you thought she wouldn't be in the wedding. If you didn't contact her and she didn't contact you, you should have before making the decision to replace her.

But since that's all water under the bridge now, the right thing to do is keep her as a bridesmaid. I'm not sure about "couture BM dresses" but surely there is something you can do to help her find a dress. Maybe contact a dress shop for some help?

If you tell her she's not going to be in the wedding party, you are going to run the risk of losing her as a friend, because it's really rude and against proper etiquette.

Grits8812

Wow.  I really like the first option of "if she doesn't fit in the dress she isn't in the wedding".

Really?!  Shame on her for not being a size 4.  You best find a dress that she is comfortable in and have uneven sides.  

A phone and a facebook message works both ways, you know that right?  If it was so important for you to have her at your wedding, you should have made an effort to keep in touch and if she couldn't be there because of the distance, so be it.  Like PP said, it's pretty darn expensive to make a phone call that far on a regular basis just to make sure your pretty princess day is perfect.

beckyboo27

Boy, I sure am glad I am not the OP's friend.  

There is SO much wrong with this post, I don't even know where to begin. *shakes head*

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abff11a8-af60-499b-9e2e-8e23c6e61aecPost:5b5a3573-5724-46c8-85a2-e55a973dff37">Re: Bridesmaids Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]From what it sounds like, I would not have her in the wedding. You want bridesmaids who are there for you and who keep in touch. You can explain to her that with her being far away it wasnt a good fit to have her in the wedding but you still want her to come to the wedding (and the shower/bachelorette party etc.). If she really is a good friend she should understand. 
Posted by katherynf08[/QUOTE]

Really?  This is the worst advice ever!  You sound like a peach, Katheryn.  Is this how you treat your friends.  They are only good enough to faun all over you, but the second that something comes up for them, you have no use for them.

RaptorSLH

Yes, ladies, she was in Bolivia.  But she could have either dropped out of the wedding party because she wasn't available, or made basic plans like giving the OP her measurements in advance.  There's a far cry between not dancing attendance on someone's PPD and cutting off ALL contact, especially since she apparently does have internet down there, if she's updating facebook.

Much depends on that phrasing, that she "cut off all communication," which implies OP tried to contact her, and she did not reciprocate at all.  No updates about her time in Bolivia, nada.  If that is the case, I'm a lot more sympathetic to the OP's predicament. 

I am fat, and when you get to the point that not everything comes in your size, sometimes you have to be a bit proactive about finding things.  Still, OP, they are right that replacing her was rude.  It doesn't sound like you are offended enough to end the friendship entirely(and her silence was likely oversight rather than personal slight.)  So you need to find a way to have her in your wedding.  It's OK to have uneven sides, so the dress is the remaining problem.

I see two options.  If the size difference isn't too much, you may be able to order some extra cloth, and have a seamstress put in a corset back, and maybe an extra panel in the skirt.  Otherwise, you're going to have to go with a different dress.  If you post a pic, (maybe on a new thread,) people may be able to help you find something similar.  The Plus-Size board is normally good for dress hunts for BMs like yours.

Either way, you're going to have to explain it to her:  Because she was so far away, and you didn't hear from her, you thought she wasn't going to be able to come, and had dropped out.  You were mistaken, and still want to include her, but you have already made a dress decision, and now you're going to have to work together to find an alternative.

chelseamb11

How has nobody pointed out that she chose a dress that she knew one of her BMs wouldnt be able to fit in?  Unless she chose them after she knew said BM was out.  But wtf.  You're worried about her weight more than you're worried about your friendship with her.

Have you ever been to Bolivia?  Do you know if there's a lot of internet over there or how much it costs to make a phone call to the US?  If you don't, then you can't be judging.  You basically kicked her out of your WP without even TELLING her! 

I vote you add her to the WP without telling her she was ever out, find a similar dress that will fit her, and ask her about her awesome time in a foreign country.

Summer2011Bride

You should have never replaced her, but what's done is done. She obviously IS planning on being in your wedding, and honestly, contact or no contact, I wouldn't have assumed she dropped out. I would have assumed she was in a foreign country where communication might be spotty and she might be very busy and given her the benefit of the doubt since I Had been friends with her for 15 years.

So what do you do? You tell her you're so excited to see her and have her in your wedding. Then you help her find a BM dress that she likes that fits properly. She doesn't have to be matchy-matchy with your other girls. Ask the dress shop where you got the first dress if they have something that does come in plus sizes that looks similar to the other one you got. Or if you're hung up on one girl looking different, scrap the original dress (if no money was put down) and let them all pick different styles in the same color. Right now, you are putting a dress over your friend and that's all bad if you want to remain friends with her.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] Unless she chose them after she knew said BM was out. 
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]
<div>[QUOTE] <span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">Because the girl I originally asked was no longer in the wedding I selected a couture bridesmaids gown that does not come in plus sizes. [/QUOTE]</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">
</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">Seriously, did people even read the OP before they joined the mob?</span></div>

cbvcru67

Yeah, I feel like there is a lot of bad advice in this thread - on both sides.  I think Whit or Raptor are probably the most reasonable though.

The OP said that the bridesmaid had dropped contact with her, which I took as the OP tried to contact BM and she didn't seem to respond or reciprocate.  Someone suggested maybe she was just busy and others insinuated that OP was a terrible friend, but there really isn't a good excuse to continually ignore attempts at contact if you want to continue being friends - especially if the BM can make facebook updates.   The bridesmaid wasn't right and neither was the OP for replacing her - but if I were in the OPs shoes, I would have guessed the same thing - a friend a continent away who won't respond to my attempts to reach out and catch up probably would not be traveling thousands of miles to attend my wedding.  It's not a huge stretch.

OP, talk to your friend, apologize for picking dresses without her input and explain that weren't sure she was still going to be able to make it from so far away.  Tell her you missed her friendship and that you'd love to have her stand up with you and that because dresses have already been ordered, you have the option of 1) recreating the dress from a seamstress, 2) finding something that coordinates that is a different style, or 3) trying to retrofit the original dress to fit her body type or 4) is there something else she would be more comfortable with / does she have a suggestion or preference.  Then, you two make a decision together.  Try to repair your friendship and reconnect.    You weren't /aren't right to kick her out, but she was wrong for being so absent if you tried to keep up the friendship.  Good luck.

blaze9

 I dont think you should feel bad. You should just explain that she hasn't been in contact with you for 6 months and you aked someone else and your very sorry and never intended for her feeling to be hurt. Besides, the fact that she didn't try and contact you once in all of these 6 months says to me that maybe she's not such a great friend. I'm getting married in september and i try and make an effort to keep up what's going on in all my bridal party's lives and they do the same.