My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!

MarisaDarling

I am what you might call an "offbeat" bride. I have a really fun pin up girl style, and I have some very lovely tattoos. My fiance, and most of my good friends are heavily (and tastefully) tattood. So obviously, I have no problem with body art whatsoever. That is.. until my sister sent me a photo of her "latest work".

I've been on the fence about having my older sister as a bridesmaid from the get go. She spent a majority of her life in prison out in Arizona, while I grew up to be a pretty normal person in Delaware. Prison made my sister.. well.. she didnt get to grow up properly, and to this day makes a lot of poor choices. I love her, of course. But I dont know her. The last time I saw her, I was 2 years old.. Since she cleaned up, we've been in touch on a weekly basis. Once I broke the engagement news to her, she automatically assumed she would be the maid of honor. I didn't have the heart right then and there to tell her no, so I politely said that she could be my "honorary maid of honor" due to the distance. She surely wouldnt be able to help me with much from across the country, and being a former inmate, I dont believe she knows the first thing about weddings. 

So getting back to the big picture here. I was already on the fence about the whole thing. And then she sends me a photograph that I wont soon forget. She decided to blow money on this giant tattoo, planted directly in the center of her chest. Well, let me rephrase that. It takes up her whole chest. It's this hideous, evil looking skull with pink hair and flames in the background. Now, like I said, I'm all for TASTEFUL and well executed tattoos.. but this? No no no.. this is bad. It's really bad. And now, I absolutely do not want her to be in my line up. 

I feel so terrible for saying that. She's my sister, and I love her, but this has pushed me over the edge. Am I being unreasonable? Or should I man up and tell her how I feel? I've considered telling her there was a change in plans, and due to her being across the country, cant have her in my line up.. or does that seem too cowardly? 

LittleMissCutiePie

If you don't want her for a BM, just don't ask her. You're not a horrible person, unless the tattoo is the only reason. i just pray to god you don't ask her and then ask her to cover it up with make-up or something. That's even worse.

Serendipty11

Really? 

Habs2Hart

http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Short-Cotton-Dress-with-Y-Neck-and-Skirt-Pleating-83690_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses

It covers the horrific front tattoo, while still showing off what you might approve of on the back... just a thought. 

You can't kick her out because of a tattoo of a skull.  I think you're losing track of what having someone in your wedding actually means.  They aren't a lineup.  They aren't props, they are your nearest and dearest.  If you kick her out, you are telling her that your pictures mean more to you than she does. 

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:d9c15d5f-fff7-4acf-8580-273aded7ab96">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want her for a BM, just don't ask her. You're not a horrible person, unless the tattoo is the only reason. i just pray to god you don't ask her and then ask her to cover it up with make-up or something. That's even worse.
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

I'm a little concerned about the "honorary maid of honor" comment - so if her sister is coming, she already believes she's the "honorary MOH", whatever that means. How long ago was that comment made, OP?

Frankly, I think that you're being selfish and shallow OP. It's not like she got a swastika on her chest. Would I want a chest tattoo? No. But my boss has one and she's a lovely woman...

ETA: Also, OP, if the only reason you made her "honorary" is because she's not close enough to "help" with wedding things, well, that is just WRONG to begin with. BMs/MsOH are supposed to be your nearest and dearest... the people you couldn't see getting married without. If you want someone to "help" with wedding stuff (planning, visiting venues, etc.) enlist your FI, since its his wedding too, or hire someone.

J&K10910

You think that prison made your sister make poor choices?

Child, how do you think she ended up in prison in the first place?

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:167abb1c-6e6a-4c9b-ba49-eab1105d50e4">My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE] Prison made my sister.. well.. she didnt get to grow up properly, and to this day makes a lot of poor choices.
Posted by MarisaDarling[/QUOTE]

Your sister grew up in prison?

"Tasteful" is in the eye of the beholder.  There are people who consider your tattoos ugly and trashy.  You're not justified in kicking your sister out of your wedding just because her tattoo doesn't match your taste.  It sounds like you didn't have the balls to tell her no when she assumed she would be in your wedding, and now you're looking for ANY reason to kick her out.  She may have made other poor choices in life, but unless those choices genuinely harmed you in some way, what she does is her business and should have no bearing on your wedding.

J&K10910

And I didn't know anything about weddings before I had my own, but everyone still let me be the bride.

froggatt.clare

Technically speaking, since OP said she could be the 'honorary moh' the sister has been asked and OP cannot remove her without ruining the relationship.

OP, unless you wish to seriously damage your relationship with your sister, I would say let this pass.  You can choose a high-necked bridesmaid dress, or just let it be.  While that tatoo does sound a little over the top, it was her choice to do what she wanted to  her skin, and it just needs to be accepted as part of her.

aragx6

I've got some problems with this post, but I also generally feel bad for you, so I'm going to try to be nice.

You should never pick a BM or MOH based on what they can do for you -- they show up in the dress you told them to buy on the day of your wedding. That is truly their ONLY requirement, so you were way out of line for giving her some BS "honorary" position in the first place.

You should love your friends and family regardless of their tattoos and it's not as though this is something wildly offensive like baby jesus eating out a clown, so I think you need to get over it. And/or look into a dress with a high neckline.

But sister also sounds like a pain. She was out of line for assuming she'd be your MOH especially given that you essentially barely know her.

Kicking her out of the wedding would likely have dire consequences and it doesn't seem to me that you want to put in jeopardy your relationship with her. So I would be annoyed for a day or two then take a deep breath, get over it and move on.

mollyehren

As long as she hasn't had to spend anything yet I would maybe say that you have decided to go with a smaller bridal party, but don't replace her with someone else, that stuff always seems to find its way back to the person.

froggatt.clare

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:c291dc26-7d46-4e93-8c28-a1175a51b17f">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]And I didn't know anything about weddings before I had my own, but everyone still let me be the bride.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]


Priceless, J&K.  I'm sure this is true for a lot of brides, and its important for people to remember!

LittleMissCutiePie

Whoops, I skimmed. I missed the "she assumed and you didn't correct her" thing. Sorry, you're stuck m'dear. Just deal with it.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:231ac674-10ba-4e11-883c-6de37100feec">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]As long as she hasn't had to spend anything yet I would maybe say that you have decided to go with a smaller bridal party, but don't replace her with someone else, that stuff always seems to find its way back to the person.
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

That's some pretty awful advice. This isn't some girl she used to know in college (even though I'd still think this was terrible advice even then), it's her sister. Kicking her out of the wedding party would have some pretty fuucking bad consequences for her relationship with her sister.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:66a98286-9169-45ee-85e6-0171e68b2cc5">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE] You should love your friends and family regardless of their tattoos and it's not as though this is<strong> something wildly offensive like baby jesus eating out a clown</strong>, so I think you need to get over it.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I just wanted you to know that you win the internet today.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:f0dca30e-3e54-43aa-90ea-c69763b913a6">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid! : Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I just wanted you to know that you win the internet today.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

I was just describing my own sweet ink.

Amynutrition

if you say you, your FI and your friends are into tatoos/body art they might find your sisters tatoo very cool. Everyone has different ideas of what a 'tasteful tatoo' is...

And won't your sister be showing off her tatoo as a wedding guest anyway? Just in another dress, not in a BM dress?

divadancer11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:66a98286-9169-45ee-85e6-0171e68b2cc5">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]I've got some problems with this post, but I also generally feel bad for you, so I'm going to try to be nice. You should never pick a BM or MOH based on what they can do for you -- they show up in the dress you told them to buy on the day of your wedding. That is truly their ONLY requirement, so you were way out of line for giving her some BS "honorary" position in the first place. You should love your friends and family regardless of their tattoos and it's not as though this is <strong>something wildly offensive like baby jesus eating out a clown</strong>, so I think you need to get over it. And/or look into a dress with a high neckline. But sister also sounds like a pain. She was out of line for assuming she'd be your MOH especially given that you essentially barely know her. Kicking her out of the wedding would likely have dire consequences and it doesn't seem to me that you want to put in jeopardy your relationship with her. So I would be annoyed for a day or two then take a deep breath, get over it and move on.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Oh my I just laughed out very loud at work......

kaitlyn&henry

My concern is why you let her be in the BP to begin with since you said you dont know her...just because she assumed doesnt mean shes automatically in the wedding. But since thats over and done with, you cant kick her out....especially not because of a tattoo you dont like. It wont affect your wedding day at all...and if the tattoo really bugs you, select a bm dress that will cover it.. other than that youre stuch

MarisaDarling

Gee whiz, guys! You're making me out to sound so selfish! 

Allow me to put emphasis on the fact that she and I arent very close to begin with. And by making her an "honorary maid of honor" I meant that while she can't be physically here to be a MOH, she will be a one at heart. See what I'm saying? She knows she can't help me, she's said so herself. It's not a matter of her being a MOH, because even she knows thats a little out of reach. It's a matter of her just being in my line up.

 Also, let me clarify that I'm not using the term "line up" in a negative way. My girls. My line up. I know they're not props, they're my best friends! That's the term we all use, sorry haha!

But anyhow, it's just this tattoo thing is looking to be more and more of a deal breaker the more I think about it. And I simply don't know what to do.

And please keep the negative comments to yourselves if you can. I'm looking for helpful advice. I'm already frazzled about the wedding as it is, I'm sure you all can relate to at least that!

J&K10910

Help you with what? 

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:ab4e563b-f15c-4ed6-a83b-dfae9cddd5fe">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Gee whiz, guys! You're making me out to sound so selfish!  Allow me to put emphasis on the fact that she and I arent very close to begin with. And by making her an "honorary maid of honor" I meant that while she can't be physically here to be a MOH, she will be a one at heart. See what I'm saying? She knows she can't help me, she's said so herself. It's not a matter of her being a MOH, because even she knows thats a little out of reach. It's a matter of her just being in my line up.  Also, let me clarify that I'm not using the term "line up" in a negative way. My girls. My line up. I know they're not props, they're my best friends! That's the term we all use, sorry haha! <strong>But anyhow, it's just this tattoo thing is looking to be more and more of a deal breaker the more I think about it.</strong> And I simply don't know what to do. And please keep the negative comments to yourselves if you can. I'm looking for helpful advice. I'm already frazzled about the wedding as it is, I'm sure you all can relate to at least that!
Posted by MarisaDarling[/QUOTE]

Well aren't you a judgmental little peach.

niobesmum

wow on so many levels. It was sort of wrong for her to assume that she was you MOH but you didnt correct her either. Despite the tattoo, unless she's done something horribly worng to you, i think its will be okay. Either pick a dress that covers some of the tattoo or just smile and embrace your sister's unique style. I mean you said most of the folks you know have tattoos anyway.

Dont Stress about it.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:ab4e563b-f15c-4ed6-a83b-dfae9cddd5fe">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Gee whiz, guys! You're making me out to sound so selfish!  Allow me to put emphasis on the fact that she and I arent very close to begin with. And by making her an "honorary maid of honor" <strong>I meant that while she can't be physically here to be a MOH, she will be a one at heart.</strong> See what I'm saying? She knows she can't help me, she's said so herself. It's not a matter of her being a MOH, because even she knows thats a little out of reach. It's a matter of her just being in my line up.  Also, let me clarify that I'm not using the term "line up" in a negative way. My girls. My line up. I know they're not props, they're my best friends! That's the term we all use, sorry haha! But anyhow, it's just this tattoo thing is looking to be more and more of a deal breaker the more I think about it. And I simply don't know what to do. And please keep the negative comments to yourselves if you can. I'm looking for helpful advice. I'm already frazzled about the wedding as it is, I'm sure you all can relate to at least that!
Posted by MarisaDarling[/QUOTE]

She can attend the wedding, right? Again, as others (myself included) told you -- she has NO other duties or responsibilities other than standing up at your wedding.

And if the tattoo is a true dealbreaker, I would prepare yourself for a major (possibly lifelong) falling out with your sister. if you're OK with that, then you're every bit as selfish as you feel others here have said you are. Just chill and think about it for a minute.

aragx6

And seriously, what about a dress like this?

http://www.dessy.com/dresses/bridesmaid/D532/

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:3cd01f2e-f8cf-4c2f-87bb-59bcacae67f6">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid! : Being an ex-inmate means she doesn't <strong>know what goes down</strong> at weddings? It sounds like she is already in the "line up".  It would be rude to kick her out.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I have nothing to add except I read the bolded part as know how to go down.  Edie, you saucy little minx! 

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:c8f6b429-1c02-434c-8249-419385cb7f22">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually am going to disagree here and say you CAN kick her out of your wedding party. You don't have much of a relationship with her, she assumed and imposed herself on you, put you on the spot, and you got flustered and went along with it. This isn't a "bridesmaid etiquette," this is a "rude person taking advantage of a polite person" situation. You just need to politely say that while you want her at the wedding and it means a lot to you that she'll be there, you had never intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid, and that you were put on the spot and got flustered and didn't know what to say. Then you say you are really sorry, but that the misunderstanding needs to be cleared up.<strong> Personally, I wouldn't invite someone to a wedding I hadn't seen in that long.
</strong>Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

You wouldn't invite your sister to your wedding? You seem lovely.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:c8f6b429-1c02-434c-8249-419385cb7f22">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually am going to disagree here and say you CAN kick her out of your wedding party. You don't have much of a relationship with her, she assumed and imposed herself on you, put you on the spot, and you got flustered and went along with it. This isn't a "bridesmaid etiquette," this is a "rude person taking advantage of a polite person" situation. You just need to politely say that while you want her at the wedding and it means a lot to you that she'll be there, you had never intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid, and that you were put on the spot and got flustered and didn't know what to say. Then you say you are really sorry, but that the misunderstanding needs to be cleared up. Personally, I wouldn't invite someone to a wedding I hadn't seen in that long.
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

This is great advice, if the OP doesn't want a relationship with her sister anymore.  If she wants any sort of relationship, then no.  This doesn't work.

niobesmum

And that dress is cute arag....that is a very good option.

StephBeanWed61502

"Gee sis, I'm awfully proud of you for getting clean, pulling your life together, and becoming a productive member of society after enduring years in prison, but your tattoo is fugly, so you can't be in my wedding, even though I already told you you're my honorary maid of honor.  Sorry!"

See how ridiculous that sounds?  That's because there's just no okay way to say what you want to say in this situation.  Choose a high-necked bridesmaid dress and just deal.

Oh, and the "she's too far away to help" thing is ridiculous.  Her only responsibility as a maid of honor is to buy the right dress and show up in it clean and sober.  That's it.  That's the extent of the "help" she needs to provide you with.  MOHs are not free wedding planners.  If you need assistance planning your wedding, you need to ask your FI for help, or pay an actual wedding planner.  Don't manipulate friends or family into doing your work for you by claiming it's some kind of "honor."

Girlie1030

Among other things I imagine Edie.