My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!

MyNameIsNot

I think it's time to man up and explain to your sister that you care more about appearance than you do about her.

It is the truth, and there's no way around that.  

ETA: Also, MUD.

niobesmum

myname....what is that pacture?!!

Girlie1030

I hate that sig.  She's had it up for a while. 

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:ab4e563b-f15c-4ed6-a83b-dfae9cddd5fe">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Gee whiz, guys! You're making me out to sound so selfish!  Allow me to put emphasis on the fact that she and I arent very close to begin with. And by making her an "honorary maid of honor" <strong>I meant that while she can't be physically here to be a MOH, she will be a one at heart.</strong> See what I'm saying? She knows she can't help me, she's said so herself. It's not a matter of her being a MOH, because even she knows thats a little out of reach. It's a matter of her just being in my line up.  Also, let me clarify that I'm not using the term "line up" in a negative way. My girls. My line up. I know they're not props, they're my best friends! That's the term we all use, sorry haha! But anyhow, it's just this tattoo thing is looking to be more and more of a deal breaker the more I think about it. And I simply don't know what to do. And please keep the negative comments to yourselves if you can. I'm looking for helpful advice. I'm already frazzled about the wedding as it is, I'm sure you all can relate to at least that!
Posted by MarisaDarling[/QUOTE]

<div>But she's going to be at the wedding, right? That's why you're worried. The MOH doesn't have to do anything else.</div><div>
</div><div>My MOH lives across the country and has an ugly tattoo. She flew out for the shower (someone else hosted it), then flew here for the wedding itself. She never helped with anything else, other than picking out her own dress (which covered the ugly tattoo). </div><div>
</div><div>She was no less of a MOH because she didn't memorize TK's asinine checklist.</div>

niobesmum

wow...im surprised the etiquette board hasnt jumped all over that sig. i just had a countdown and it was "OBNOXIOUS"! HA HA to each her own...it certainly is a conversation starter though.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:c8f6b429-1c02-434c-8249-419385cb7f22">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually am going to disagree here and say you CAN kick her out of your wedding party. You don't have much of a relationship with her, she assumed and imposed herself on you, put you on the spot, and you got flustered and went along with it. This isn't a "bridesmaid etiquette," this is a "rude person taking advantage of a polite person" situation. You just need to politely say that while you want her at the wedding and it means a lot to you that she'll be there, you had never intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid, and that you were put on the spot and got flustered and didn't know what to say. Then you say you are really sorry, but that the misunderstanding needs to be cleared up. Personally, I wouldn't invite someone to a wedding I hadn't seen in that long.
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

So do you not have a family, or do they just choose not to speak to your rude and judgmental azz?  Seriously, you wouldn't invite <em>your sister</em> to your wedding over a tattoo? 

And for everyone talking about how "rude" the sister was to assume she was in the bridal party, yes, it was rude, but maybe she's trying to, you know, reconnect with her sister because she's spent half her life in prison and now she's trying to re-establish relationships with her family?  Maybe?  Just sayin'.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:c8f6b429-1c02-434c-8249-419385cb7f22">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually am going to disagree here and say you CAN kick her out of your wedding party. You don't have much of a relationship with her, she assumed and imposed herself on you, put you on the spot, and you got flustered and went along with it. This isn't a "bridesmaid etiquette," this is a "rude person taking advantage of a polite person" situation. You just need to politely say that while you want her at the wedding and it means a lot to you that she'll be there, you had never intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid, and that you were put on the spot and got flustered and didn't know what to say. Then you say you are really sorry, but that the misunderstanding needs to be cleared up. Personally, I wouldn't invite someone to a wedding I hadn't seen in that long.
Posted by AFP07[/QUOTE]

No to all of this.  OP please don't listen to this advice.

It sounds like you don't want your sister in the wedding party because of 1) her horrific new tattoo, and 2) she lives far away and won't be able to help with wedding planning.  If these are the primary reasons, then I agree with PPs that you need to get over it. 

If you truly did not intend to have her in your wedding party because you aren't very close with her, then I'm sorry that you were put on the spot and felt obligated to include her in your wedding party but I 100% agree that asking her not to be now could cause serious damage to the relationship.

*Edited for spacing

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:6dcd43a4-98ba-4a4b-b41c-07e45f8356c0">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]wow...im surprised the etiquette board hasnt jumped all over that sig. i just had a countdown and it was "OBNOXIOUS"! HA HA to each her own...it certainly is a conversation starter though.
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

What the heck are you talking about?

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:6dcd43a4-98ba-4a4b-b41c-07e45f8356c0">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]wow...<strong>im surprised the etiquette board hasnt jumped all over that sig.</strong> i just had a countdown and it was "OBNOXIOUS"! HA HA to each her own...it certainly is a conversation starter though.
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

<div>What?</div><div>
</div><div>My only problem with your countdown is the random capitalization.</div>

mkrupar

Hold the phone...WTF is an "honorary" MOH? I'm still stuck on that.

"MOH at heart?" What does that even mean?

There's no such thing as honorary. She's either your MOH/BM or she's not. And since you didn't correct her she's at least a BM.

Although that's a shiit reason for not having someone as MOH. Too far away? None of my BMs were local to the wedding. Hello 99% of the guests weren't local.

I guess we could call them all "honorary" guests. The real ones were there for me when I needed "help". Whatever that is

Girlie1030

She had a countdown clock ticker up yesterday that people didn't like and told her so. 

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:f1ee8949-5b5a-4909-90eb-3b94ebddbdf7">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid! : What the heck are you talking about?
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

She had the most insane ticker I've ever seen -- with moving stuff and flashing stuff, and she got grumbles about it. Don't be butthurt -- it's not as bad as those fake bride things.

edit: girlie beat me

specialk84

That sounds horribly obnoxious.

cupcakecassie

One of my girls is absolutely gorgeous- including her 13 tattoos. I knew she had them when I chose her to be a BM, and I wasn't surprised when she acquired another one that spouts her Italian heritage in a pretty unorthodox way (an Italian flag with the phrase "Sono affomato!" or "I'm hungry!" on her breast). I love my BMs and their personalities, and if I un-asked her to be in my bridal party it would be like telling her that she and her ways of expressing herself aren't good enough to be in my wedding.
I hate to break it to you OP, but if she thinks you've invited her to be in your bridal party, you have. And while you may have meant "honorary" as "in my heart", it doesn't seem like she feels the same way.. and it's your fault for not correcting her in the first place. If you two aren't that close to begin with, it should have been easy to let her know in the beginning that she wasn't a MOH. Your situation sounds like an attempt to avoid conflict that backfired, but perhaps this will give your sister a chance to grow closer to you. And like other brides have said, you can opt for a BM dress that conceals some (or all) of the tattoo if it makes you THAT uncomfortable.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:42958c15-f08e-4385-b767-46c82991a777">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]myname....what is that pacture?!!
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

<div>It's a Christmas card from some mayor.  So, I guess that means it's time for a change.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm just madly in the love with the little glamour shot girl who doesn't give a fluck.</div>

niobesmum

ha ha. It was the ticker i had. Its ok...im not mad about it. It was just a joke. nobody has their panties in a bunch. I just meant her sig pic was interesting.

niobesmum

ok myname I see. Just wondering where you had got it from. Yeah, the little girl is pricel;ess in her pose, ha ha.

specialk84

Regarding tickers, you do know they make smaller ones, right? Cupcake and Girlie have appropriately sized ones.

niobesmum

Yes. hadnt googled for the tickers I had when I had my kids but saw someone elses and theught it was cute. But not the one I had originally chosen. that one annoyed me a little. Anyway, no ticker. Just stick with what i have. I dont think its too big. But if it is to some folks, i really dont care.

louisvillebride21

You know, I just don't think I can make up my mind until I see the picture she sent you.

bmoruzzi

Seems kind of odd you said your sister who you haven't seen since you were 2 can be a part of your wedding party.  So, the first time you're seeing her in say 20 or so years is going to be at your wedding?  I find this hard to believe.  If it's true, suck it up and get a dress that covers up the tat. 

SilverLining1

So what does all of this say to your "real" MOH? 

"My sister can't be here, so she's honorary MOH. So you can be my helper MOH and she'll be my sister honorary MOH and I'll have ALL THE MOHS!"

That's what I got.

ETA: Pick a dress that covers the BMs chests and be done with it. 

HeathenSwan

You asked for advice and opinions. You're getting them. Because they don't all agree with you doesn't necessarily make them rude.

You should have said no in the first place if you were iffy about her. Because you didn't, and you made her your MOH, ther's not much you can do. You could kick her out, but that would be rude, and you'd likely lose the relationship you do have with her. If you don't care bout that, do what you are comfortable with and are willing to accept the consequences of.

But a tattoo being the final straw sounds like the wrong reason to me. It sounds like you're looking for any excuse at this point to get rid of her. That, or you're being a bit superficial. 

The tattoo sounds kind of cool to me, though chest tats are not my taste personally. 

Bay21

OP, I know how you feel about wavering about not wanting to have your sister in your bridal party; not for the tattoo issue but for the part about how you don't "know" your sister. 

My sister is 13 years older than me and while she grew up in the same house with me, i was just a kid; she lived away at Law School and on her own when i became a pre-teen. Then while i was in high school she went to rehab. It was only last year, my freshman year of college, that she stopped going in and out and organized her life. Unfortunately, by that time, we were both different people. I don't know her anymore as I used to, or necessarily like her as person, her choices or fashion or what have you but i do love her as my sister. We fight more now than we ever did before, and I don't like to spend time with her because we are so drastically different.

BUT! It is more important to me to have her a part of my wedding, than to lose my relationship with my sister. And in your case, you've already pretty much told your sister she is in the bridal party so unless you would like to lose your relationship with your sister you are going to have to compromise and just find a dress that covers it. It will not be the most awful thing in the world, and I'm sure you're other bridesmaids won't complain one bit about it. I am sorry to have be a litle harsh here but if you would really rather lose your sister than just get a dress than can cover her tattoo than you are really a poor sibling. 

I hope you realize that your sister is the only one you get. Yes you only get one wedding too, but you do that over again (vow renewals etc) you cannot do over your sisterhood.

daniellelea1985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:e7e4cea1-1680-40fa-b574-6ca3f4acf6d0">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I know how you feel about wavering about not wanting to have your sister in your bridal party; not for the tattoo issue but for the part about how you don't "know" your sister.  My sister is 13 years older than me and while she grew up in the same house with me, i was just a kid; she lived away at Law School and on her own when i became a pre-teen. Then while i was in high school she went to rehab. It was only last year, my freshman year of college, that she stopped going in and out and organized her life. Unfortunately, by that time, we were both different people. I don't know her anymore as I used to, or necessarily like  her as person, her choices or fashion or what have you but i do love  her as my sister. We fight more now than we ever did before, and I don't like to spend time with her because we are so drastically different. BUT! It is more important to me to have her a part of my wedding, than to lose my relationship with my sister. And in your case, you've already pretty much told your sister she is in the bridal party so unless you would like to lose your relationship with your sister you are going to have to compromise and just find a dress that covers it. It will not be the most awful thing in the world, and I'm sure you're other bridesmaids won't complain one bit about it. I am sorry to have be a litle harsh here but if you would really rather lose your sister than just get a dress than can cover her tattoo than you are really a poor sibling.  I hope you realize that your sister is the only one you get. Yes you only get one wedding too, but you do that over again (vow renewals etc) you cannot do over your sisterhood.
Posted by Bay21[/QUOTE]

This! 

Bay that was such a well written response to the situation!  I agree 100%

MarisaDarling

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:892954ce-f9e5-4286-b213-a55f23f89243">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Seems kind of odd you said your sister who you haven't seen since you were 2 can be a part of your wedding party.  So, the first time you're seeing her in say 20 or so years is going to be at your wedding?  I find this hard to believe.  If it's true, suck it up and get a dress that covers up the tat. 
Posted by bmoruzzi@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>You're right, it has been 20 years since I've seen her. But she is my sister. I talk to her somewhat frequently.. we keep in touch. I'm not sure why that's unbelievable? Of course I was at least going to invite her, when next thing you know she starts going on about being my MOH.. as I mentioned she spent a lot of time in prison, (and even juvenile delinquent centers) and had a very rough upbringing. She has a younger mentality, if you will. You wouldnt invite someone of your family if this was your situation?

</div>

MarisaDarling

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:e7e4cea1-1680-40fa-b574-6ca3f4acf6d0">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE] you cannot do over your sisterhood.
Posted by Bay21[/QUOTE]

<div>Bay 21, I dont think that's harsh at all. You seem to get the gist of how I feel. We love our sisters, regardless of the poor choices they make.. but you are absolutely right. I actually had not previously considered a dress that could cover it up until someone on this thread sent me a link to a super cute dress that could totally work! Sisterhood is not something one can do over. </div>

stefaniewattie

ok wow... im completely flabergasted at this...
somedays i wish bridesmaids secretly lurked around on these boards and read some of the BS their "friend" or worse..sister..says about them. theyre would be a lot more bridesmaids kicking themselves out of WPs..

now. you came on the ETIQUETTE board, meaning your going to get answers from a proper etiquette standpoint.
so, under NO circumstances (unless your willing at accept NEVER having a relationship with them again) can you kick someone out of your WP - unless they tried to sleep with your FI, stole from you, or tried to kill you.. you CANNOT kick them out. period.

so. pretty much, you made your bed - shes in your "line-up" - get dresses that cover that area, or suck it up.

JGreenfan2000

Just dont ask her. People may think I am a horriable person for saying this but I accutually kicked my sis and my moh at the time out of the wedding party. Only you know the full story of what is going on and thanks to that my sis and me have a better relationship yea it sucked at first then it got better and she is happy she doesnt have to deal with it now. 

AlmostMrsStrong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-got-horrific-tattoo-may-not-want-her-maid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ce566155-ae55-4a1c-b851-0a59b4dbe672Post:5aaf6284-340c-472d-bf08-fee4dd4a850e">Re: My sister got a HORRIFIC tattoo, and may not want her to be a maid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Just dont ask her. People may think I am a horriable person for saying this but I accutually kicked my sis and my moh at the time out of the wedding party. Only you know the full story of what is going on and thanks to that my sis and me have a better relationship yea it sucked at first then it got better and she is happy she doesnt have to deal with it now. 
Posted by JGreenfan2000[/QUOTE]

<div>...No.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, people have shown you at least two dresses that cover the neckline. Pick one, put her in it, and get over yourself.</div>