Getting married before we get... married?

Tortastic

My fiance and I have been planning on getting married on June 5th of this year for quite some time now. I have already set the date and such, got my dress... ect, but what's hard is having no health insurance. The whole story is complicated, but everyone is getting more skiddish about me not having insurance especially since I've been urinating blood on occasion. (I know TMI) We cannot really afford the tests or anything, with the money we already spent for the wedding.

We were thinking about having two wedding ceremonies. Getting married on Valentines day in front of immediate family... and continuing with having our friends and extended family there four months later.

I'm afraid of people saying no I can't have two ceremonies... I'm already getting a lot of horrible feedback from my mother.

I just really don't know what to do... and it's not like we want to hide it from anyone, but I don't want us already being married take away from the planned ceremony. You know? Oh... and I also don't want to seem like I'm fishing for gifts.

Should I have in on the invitations to our big social wedding that we eloped or something, and we wanted to share our union with the world? (My great uncle did something like that before.)

How would I tell my friends? Should I? I'm sorry... but this is so confusing. I wasn't planning on this. I think it would be romantic to have a small private ceremony, plus I would benifit... but I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to have everyone there the first time...

Help?!?!?

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:661ceded-6a11-4f8c-a46d-79481ebb19dd">Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been planning on getting married on June 5th of this year for quite some time now. I have already set the date and such, got my dress... ect, but what's hard is having no health insurance. The whole story is complicated, but everyone is getting more skiddish about me not having insurance especially since I've been urinating blood on occasion. (I know TMI) We cannot really afford the tests or anything, with the money we already spent for the wedding. We were thinking about having two wedding ceremonies. Getting married on Valentines day in front of immediate family... and continuing with having our friends and extended family there four months later. I'm afraid of people saying no I can't have two ceremonies... I'm already getting a lot of horrible feedback from my mother. I just really don't know what to do... and it's not like we want to hide it from anyone, but I don't want us already being married take away from the planned ceremony. You know? Oh... and I also don't want to seem like I'm fishing for gifts. Should I have in on the invitations to our big social wedding that we eloped or something, and we wanted to share our union with the world? (My great uncle did something like that before.) How would I tell my friends? Should I? I'm sorry... but this is so confusing. I wasn't planning on this. I think it would be romantic to have a small private ceremony, plus I would benifit... but I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to have everyone there the first time... Help?!?!?
<p>Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Tell your friends as you told us- you need health insurance. And plan your later celebration as a vow renewal rather than a 'wedding', given you'll already be married.</p><p> </p><p>Either that, or cut some funds from your wedding budget so you can get your potential kidney infection sorted out prior to the wedding. </p>

aMrsin09

There are a lot of opinions here about what you are thinking about doing.  The fact that your mom isn't happy about it should tip you off as to how your other guests will feel.

The more important issue here is your heatlh.  I would get to a free local clinic ASAP!  If that can't happen, while I don't really advocate hitting family up for money, I think your health concern is a good enough reason to ask for a loan from your parents.

Tortastic

Why should my guests care that we were married before hand? Shouldn't they just be happy for us, and happy that I'm being well taken care of?

A vowel renewal would be nice, but I want to have a traditional wedding type thing. Get to have bridesmaids, a white dress that is elaborate. I didn't spend all that money to not use that stuff!!!

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:3bdeedce-c5ab-42ba-a9ad-d24d7e494d5e">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why should my guests care that we were married before hand? Shouldn't they just be happy for us, and happy that I'm being well taken care of? A vowel renewal would be nice, but I want to have a traditional wedding type thing. Get to have bridesmaids, a white dress that is elaborate. I didn't spend all that money to not use that stuff!!!
<p>Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>I'll let you run with this one, aMrs! ;P</p>

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:3bdeedce-c5ab-42ba-a9ad-d24d7e494d5e">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why should my guests care that we were married before hand? Shouldn't they just be happy for us, and happy that I'm being well taken care of? A vowel renewal would be nice, but I want to have a traditional wedding type thing. Get to have bridesmaids, a white dress that is elaborate. I didn't spend all that money to not use that stuff!!!
Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]

Because you are inviting them to a wedding?  And if you are already married, that isn't what they will be attending?

FWIW, I'm in the "as long as everyone knows" do what you want camp.

Frankly I would stop worrying about how any of this effects your wedding plans and concentrate on getting that possible infection checked out.  If it gets too far gone, you won't be able to use any of the stuff anyway if you are on dialysis

Tortastic

Well the "free" clinic here already told me I need to see a specialist. And guess what? That costs a good chunk of change... unless I have insurance. Only way to do that is to get married. Now just because I'm peeing blood doesn't mean that I don't deserve a nice wedding thing. I don't care what it's called. I love Michael and I want to share that with our family and friends... vowel renewal? Wedding? Whatever...

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:dda13e11-71dd-4d65-8242-f6f88b8a1922">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well the "free" clinic here already told me I need to see a specialist. And guess what? That costs a good chunk of change... unless I have insurance. Only way to do that is to get married. Now just because I'm peeing blood doesn't mean that I don't deserve a nice wedding thing. I don't care what it's called. I love Michael and I want to share that with our family and friends... vowel renewal? Wedding? Whatever...
<p>Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Are you intending to renew vowel A, E, I, O or U?</p><p> </p><p>If you're happy with sharing your love through a vow renewal, why the hostility at the suggestion?</p>

aMrsin09

You know, I'm just going to gloss over the whole wedding portion of this for right now.

Does your family and FI know that you are urinating blood, and that a specialist is being recommended?  I can 100% say that H and I would already have scaled the wedding back, cancelled if necessary, had everything possible up on eBay, etc etc.  Heck, the sparkly on my finger would even be thrown in if it was serious enough.  H would have been far more concerned with having a healthy wife than a wedding day.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? 

No, your health problems should not prevent you from having a wonderful celebration with friends and family.  But they may cause you to scale that back a bit.  You are getting married in June.  Plenty of time to scale way back on flowers, DJs, photographers packages, favors, invites, etc.

oh and, it's a VOW renewal.

ETA: I can just imagine the look on H's face if I had said "honey, I'm urinating blood and I know we can't afford the tests right now...so, what do you think of these centerpiece ideas?"

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:43ae2ec7-63ec-41fc-8654-b3ce030c8ef6">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
<p>[QUOTE]No, your health problems should not prevent you from having a wonderful celebration with friends and family.  But they may cause you to scale that back a bit.  You are getting married in June.  Plenty of time to scale way back on flowers, DJs, photographers packages, favors, invites, etc. Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>You said here exactly what I started to type, before realising that I couldn't be bothered to structure a response to a poster who seems rather offended by any feedback that doesn't justify her chosen course of action. </p><p> </p><p> </p>

Tortastic

Thanks for your suggestion... but yes the family knows about this and they were the ones actually suggesting it. (Grandmother, grandfather... them.) So what if it's a vowel renewal. I'm just wondering how I'm supposed to go about the ceremony? We're going to be saying the same vows... everyone is going to know we got married. I just want to still be able to have my closest girlfriends stand there with me when we share our love with the world.

I want to be healthy... it's why we're having our wedding a little early. That way I can have insurance and get this all fixed. I'll go to the specialist. Get this thing sorted out... an share our vows before our extended family and our friends, whom I'll sure will be understanding.

I know this all sounds bad... not willing to sell all my wedding things for blood tests. I can't sell my engagement ring... it was my grandmother's. We didn't buy the bands, and my grandparents are footing most of the bill.

Besides. I think it will be nice to have a small ceremony and exchange our vows there... at the renewal ceremony... I just want to be able to use all the things I bought for the origional wedding. (ie: My veil, bridesmaids, dress, ect.)

I plan on going to get things fixed once his insurance covers me indefinetly. If I need to postpone or cancel the renewal... We'll already be married.

Tortastic

Oh and my offence at the vow renewal thing.. I didn't mean for it to come off that way. I just feel that people wont take it as seriously as a wedding. You know? I don't want weird looks for wearing a white dress or having bridesmaids. Most people seem to think it's so taboo for that when you renew your vows but if you're getting married a second time, or already have kids it's perfectly acceptable. God forbid you do it if you are already married. *Eye roll*

crfische

This hurts my head this early in the morning.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:3bb6fabf-3312-4d38-8feb-147bbb199600">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE] I just want to be able to use all the things I bought for the origional wedding. (ie: My veil, bridesmaids, dress, ect.)
Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]
Since you're not going to listen to my advice anyway, I'll just go with this.  You bought your Bridesmaids?

Tortastic

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:a9d47e40-b7f5-4868-a3b3-1b5dc800cc79">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]This hurts my head this early in the morning.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Agreed. :/

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:e9c887b0-0259-4e51-8af6-db98beeb36f5">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and my offence at the vow renewal thing.. I didn't mean for it to come off that way. <strong>I just feel that people wont take it as seriously as a wedding.</strong> You know? I don't want weird looks for wearing a white dress or having bridesmaids. Most people seem to think it's so taboo for that when you renew your vows but if you're getting married a second time, or already have kids it's perfectly acceptable. God forbid you do it if you are already married. *Eye roll*
Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]

You run this risk no matter what, but at least if you are honest with them about the fact that you are already married by calling it a <strong>VOW</strong> renewal, you take the whole "surprise! This whole thing was fake because we're already married! Now gimme presents" element out of the equation.

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:e9c887b0-0259-4e51-8af6-db98beeb36f5">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and my offence at the vow renewal thing.. I didn't mean for it to come off that way. I just feel that people wont take it as seriously as a wedding. You know? I don't want weird looks for wearing a white dress or having bridesmaids. Most people seem to think it's so taboo for that when you renew your vows but if you're getting married a second time, or already have kids it's perfectly acceptable. God forbid you do it if you are already married. *Eye roll*
Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]

They won't take it as seriously as a wedding, becuase you will already be married.  You need to be prepared that some people may not even come becuae of it.

crfische

No really, you're being ridiculous, hence the head hurting.

If you want to get married, then you're married. Plain and simple. If that's what you choose to do, then you've made your choice.

Your health should be number one. If I were you, I'd put off getting married and spend the money you are spending on your wedding and put it toward your health.

This doesn't seem like rocketscience to me, but considering you called it a VowEL renewal more than once, it doesn't surprise me that you are haivng a hard time with this.

FutureMrsTR

This would have been sooo much better during the day

ZRex

Seriously, have your vow renewal, and use all of your wedding stuff.   People think it's weird when you have a vow renewal 20 years later and do all of that stuff.

Do you really think your friends and family are going to say, "eff her, she got married four months ago because she was peeing blood, NO DRESS FOR YOU!"?

banana468

I know I might sound harsh, but there is another solution to the issue.  Is it possible to get a job with benefits?   Even Starbucks or grocery stores have that option when you work for them.

Beyond that, whatever you choose to do, be honest with your guests.

Why not just bump everything to next weekend if you already have the BMs?

lyndausvi

Just wondering what your FI's insurance program is like.  I know at our company insurance will not kick into effect until the next month.  So if you get married on Feb 14, March 1 (or normally a week or so after that) would be earilest you would even be covered. 

That is one month from now.  Way too  long in my opinion to wait to be tested for pissing blood.

banana468

Really Lynda?  My understanding (at least in US law) is that the marriage is the qualifying event so you should be covered once the license is signed.

Ana_2985

What about the whole pre-existing conditions thing?  Even though health insurance is offered by my new employer I have to show proof of prior insurance or they won't cover any illnesses I get before June.

If I were you, I would stop putting any money towards weddings or vow renewals in case you are ineligible for insurance and need to cover the bills yourself.

AlexiaANDRobert

I actually don't think it's a big deal.  My parent's got married one month before their "Wedding" so they could just buy their house together, but didn't live together or do anything differently until after their Church wedding.

My sister also did this so she could chang her name and organize her papers before moving to Europe with her H.

NO ONE in MY family cares or thinks it's a big deal.

Since you seem defensive about it, and your mom has already expressed a less than thrilled attitude - you m ight just want to move the entire thing up, or just figure out another way to take care of yourself.

I think it's actually really sad that you're willing to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but not on your health.  I've had kidney issues - they're no joke.

GL.

pooh8402

to the OP, please please PLEASE get your health checked out. having a pretty princess day is not as important as your kidneys (which is also what it sounds like to me) and you don't want to fvck with your kidneys then spend the rest of your life on dialysis. go to the specialist, and if need be, go into medical debt. it won't be counted against you as long as you pay them SOMETHING every month. work out a payment plan with the specialist. if he won't, find another specialist who will. but most doctors would rather work out a payment plan with someone who is having difficulty financially, than not get paid at all.

I understand your hesitance. health care is expensive. I'm a student with medical problems too, I have very little money to pay my medical debts. but I am paying 20 bucks a month and paying it down a little at a time, and that is fine with the people that I owe money to. my health is extremely important to me, and I am likely to get everything checked out asap whether or not I have the money for it.

danieliza1127

Your health is more important than a big pretty princess day.  I know that the wedding day is important but sometimes you have to adjust expectations and change plans.

If you want to get married now, get your immediate family and best friends together and go and do it.  You can cancel the June plans or just cancel the ceremony part of the June plans but go ahead and have the reception only.  However if your Mom is already having a hard time with it, odds are some of your guests will too and that's okay.  If people are offended that they weren't invited to the ceremony, they can decline the invitation to the reception.  You can't please everyone.  You and your FI have to decide what is best for the two of you.  You are adults and if you're mature enough to be married, you should be mature enough to make adult decisions without worrying if your Mom will be mad.

The things I don't think you should do are 1) keep it a secret if you get married before June and 2) recreate the ceremony in June if you're already married.  If you get married before June but still want the June festivities, make it a reception only.

SwedishChick2011

Is getting married early the only way you can get health insurance?  Could you get a full-time job with benefits or purchase an inexpensive plan?  Even if there's no way you can get health insurance, you probably still need medical attention.  If you became seriously ill or injured, you'd have to go to the hospital whether you had insurance or not.  And there's a possibility that if you don't get your health checked out now, you could become seriously ill, and that would cost a whole lot more than it will cost now to get on antibiotics or something.

Anyway, do what you want with the wedding, vow renewal, or whatever.  But please take care of your health in the meantime.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:6624b59e-d50a-4449-959c-2cc1a52e188f">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Really Lynda?  My understanding (at least in US law) is that the marriage is the qualifying event so you should be covered once the license is signed.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]


Nope  You do not have to even put a spouse under your insurance, so it's not automatic to begin with.  Our company gives you 30 days from a life changing event to add a spouse.  If you do not do that in 30 days you have to wait until open enrollement, which is in the fall. 

 While I'm sure some companies will make it back to the date of the wedding, my company starts all new policies at the first of the month (except for a newborn).  That includes new hires also.  So if you are hired at the begininng of the month you are not covered until the beginning of the next month.  Now the other side if you quit or remove yourself from the insurance at the beginning of the month you still have coverage until the end of the month.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:8842ea45-8ff5-4504-811d-50dd4b2ddcaf">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before we get... married? : Nope  You do not have to even put a spouse under your insurance, so it's not automatic to begin with.  Our company gives you 30 days from a life changing event to add a spouse.  If you do not do that in 30 days you have to wait until open enrollement, which is in the fall.   While I'm sure some companies will make it back to the date of the wedding, my company starts all new policies at the first of the month (except for a newborn).  That includes new hires also.  So if you are hired at the begininng of the month you are not covered until the beginning of the next month.  Now the other side if you quit or remove yourself from the insurance at the beginning of the month you still have coverage until the end of the month.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This is how my company handles it as well.

Brie2010

Late to the party, but here's a novel idea: BUY YOUR OWN HEALTH INSURANCE.  I was unemployed for several months, and we considered a quickie wedding briefly, until we realized we could pay $60 a month for pretty decent private health insurance.  I believe the site we used to find it was Ehealthinsurance.com.  I used it a few times at the doctor, and I was fine.