Wedding Etiquette Forum

Getting married before we get... married?

2

Re: Getting married before we get... married?

  • A couple of thoughts - since you've already been seen for this at a clinic, your FI's insurance may consider it a pre-existing condition, and not cover it.  Then all of this will have been for nothing.  I would do a couple of things:

    1) Schedule an appointment with the specialist.  Just an appointment shouldn't be thousands of dollars.  See what they have to say.  Tell them about your financial difficulties, and ask what they can do to help you.  Do this TODAY. 

    2) Since your mom is SO against the early JOP wedding, I'd ask her if you can possibly borrow a little money for the doctor bills.

    3) Stop saying "vowel" renewal.  It's just "vow".  A vow is a promise, and a vowel is a type of letter. 

    Seriously - go to the doctor.  Figure out the wedding stuff after that.
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Please take care of your health issues ASAP. Regardless of what you have to do in order to do so.
  • What about government programs? Are you a student? Have you researched health insurance plans? I know whenever I graduated from college and was about to lose my insurance through my parents, I researched it and found plans for around $400- $500... yes this is expensive but getting to see that specialist is worth the cost.

    It sounds like you already have your mind made up. Whatever you end up doing, just quit putting the doctor's visit off!
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  • Um...if your grandparents are paying for most of the wedding, don't you think they'd rather pay for you to have medical tests?? If not, I'm not sure they're grandparents worth having. You can scale back your wedding, stop spending now if you're worried about $$...and, perhaps if you're in that bad of shape financially - you shouldn't be getting married at all. I can NOT believe that you're putting your wedding (big pretty princess day) before your health. I know one thing for sure...you're too immature to be a married woman.
    image
  • another idea, and what we did a while ago. if you live together, get a domestic partner licence. we did that well before we were engaged so that i could go on his insurance. as soon as we had the paperwork he added me to his policy and i was covered immediately. that might solve many of the issues.

    or as others have said, get insurance youself until the wedding. the government has programs where you can get it fairly cheap and it will only be for a few months anyway.
  • Your health is important! Why don't you do a justice of the peace now and a church ceremony later?
  • Not all states / companies will regognize opposite sex domestic partnerships with regard to benefits.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:ecce13f3-8bba-48ed-aedf-493c49f9a33a">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not all states / companies will regognize opposite sex domestic partnerships with regard to benefits.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

    I'm happy to say our company recognizes all types of  domestic partnerships






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited February 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:1ea2891d-4f91-407e-b6db-73f6a2e00bdd">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]another idea, and what we did a while ago. if you live together, get a domestic partner licence. we did that well before we were engaged so that i could go on his insurance. as soon as we had the paperwork he added me to his policy and i was covered immediately. that might solve many of the issues. or as others have said, get insurance youself until the wedding. the government has programs where you can get it fairly cheap and it will only be for a few months anyway.
    Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

    This is an option, we looked into this when I moved in with him because I was unempoyed at the time. You do have to have your name on things together though,joint accounts,leases, etc. But it still may take sometime, this was only available during open enrollment. I just happened to get a job before that.

    In our state we have a few hospitals that are allowed to write off a certain amount of debt.I would go to the emergency room myself, most cant turn you away and they might write it off if you have no income. But dont put it off, the longer you wait the worse it get. You may just have a slight infection that an antibiotic can clear up, but the longer you wait the more apt it is to cause serious kidney problems. GL.

    edit: for poor grammer.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:ec420ed4-97fe-48ce-aba5-fba537e628ff">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before we get... married? : I'm happy to say our company recognizes all types of  domestic partnerships
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    Mine will recognize same sex domestic partnerships, but not opposite sex partnerships.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:ecce13f3-8bba-48ed-aedf-493c49f9a33a">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not all states / companies will regognize opposite sex domestic partnerships with regard to benefits.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
    My company does, but only one of the insurance companies we use allows it.  The other one does not.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • edited February 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:bed4ca30-a8d7-4dc9-bb19-ab941961c744">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before we get... married? : This is an option, we looked into this when I moved in with him because I was unempoyed at the time. You do have to have your name on things together though,joint accounts,leases, etc. But it still may take sometime, this was only available during open enrollment. I just happened to get a job before that. In our state we have a few hospitals that are allowed to write off a certain amount of debt.I would go to the emergency room myself, most cant turn you away and they might write it off if you have no income. But dont put it off, the longer you wait the worse it get. You may just have a slight infection that an antibiotic can clear up, but the longer you wait the more apt it is to cause serious kidney problems. GL. edit: for poor grammer.
    Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

    Good F are you serious?  Go to the ER in the high hope that it MIGHT be written off?  ER visits can cost thousands and thousands of dollars, just for being seen!  It is absolutely insane.  Without going into detail, I went to the ER in college when I was between insurances and the visit plus 2 xrays cost $6,000.  It took me almost 7 years to pay it back.  Most hospitals will refer the bill to collection before they ever "write it off." 

    Please don't do this.  You have already been to a doctor who referred you to a specialist.  Book the appointment with the specialist.  Most hospitals have repayment schedules, as little as $20 a month.  Most hospitals will work with you. 

    *obviously if you have an emergency or your condition warrants a trip to the ER, GO.

    Edit - It took me a month and a half to get on H's health insurance.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:0359b920-9d47-45d9-b4a2-fd3ad2ca4f89">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before we get... married? : Mine will recognize same sex domestic partnerships, but not opposite sex partnerships.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

    that sucks.  I do not get why they would not honor oppostie sex?

    You do have to prove you are living for over a year.  You have to have a joint account. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:5c78b2aa-945c-4971-a1cf-c17ec456734b">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your health is important! Why don't you do a justice of the peace now and a church ceremony later?
    Posted by mamboqueen[/QUOTE]

    Because she'd already be married....for crying out loud.
    image
  • Yeah. I've yet to fully understand it either.
  • Hmmm I don't have health insurance! I think FI and I will go get married today and still have my pretty princess day! Thanks for the idea OP!
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Cew that's how most places in WI are too.
    image
  • Salty is right about the ER. That's a farking terrible idea. FI had to have 11 stitches over the summer, and we're still paying off the ER visit. An x-ray and 11 stitches ran us about $3000.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:84461c90-897f-4ec7-9a97-bcbf248ae4a4">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Late to the party, but here's a novel idea: BUY YOUR OWN HEALTH INSURANCE.  I was unemployed for several months, and we considered a quickie wedding briefly, until we realized we could pay $60 a month for pretty decent private health insurance.  I believe the site we used to find it was Ehealthinsurance.com.  I used it a few times at the doctor, and I was fine.
    Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

    For the record, there are a lot of areas of this country where this is nearly impossible. Where I live the CHEAPEST private health insurance (not counting the high deductible plans that really aren't good for anything) is about $300. And that $300 plan is pretty crappy with high copays and little to know prescriptions coverage. Even the insurance through the state for lower income is about $250, and again, it's not very good.

    I'm not saying the OP is right or wrong and I agree that she needs to get to the dr. ASAP, I just wanted to point out that depending where someone lives the affordable private health options can be limited or completely infeasible.

    Also, OP, go to the specialist. They will give you a discount and a payment plan. FI just had to go in for something that according to how the dr. bills the insurance company should have cost about $3000, but we paid less than $1000 thanks to discounts given to us by the doctor. Don't write it off as too expensive until you actually talk to them.
    Oh no we dropped the groom!! imagePlanning Bio UPDATED
  • Agreed about the ER.  H went in one day, and they did nothing but have him lie in a bed for a few hours. The bill was over $2k.  We're still paying it off :(
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:df1a3539-91a4-4b4a-a844-3162dd7fd3ea">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Salty is right about the ER. That's a farking terrible idea. FI had to have 11 stitches over the summer, and we're still paying off the ER visit. An x-ray and 11 stitches ran us about $3000.
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]
     
    Here's another vote for avoiding the ER at all costs. FI had to go in the fall after a bike accident. The bill for being put in the bed and having a doctor barely glance at him was like $600. The whole odreal was about $7000, but because of the circumstances (FI got hit by a cab) all the medical costs were covered by a no fault plan. We didn't have to pay any of it. If we had you'd be damn sure our wedding as planned would be canceled.
    Oh no we dropped the groom!! imagePlanning Bio UPDATED
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:661ceded-6a11-4f8c-a46d-79481ebb19dd">Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I have been planning on getting married on June 5th of this year for quite some time now. I have already set the date and such, got my dress... ect, but what's hard is having no health insurance. The whole story is complicated, but everyone is getting more skiddish about me not having insurance especially since I've been urinating blood on occasion. (I know TMI) We cannot really afford the tests or anything, with the money we already spent for the wedding. We were thinking about having two wedding ceremonies. Getting married on Valentines day in front of immediate family... and continuing with having our friends and extended family there four months later. I'm afraid of people saying no I can't have two ceremonies... I'm already getting a lot of horrible feedback from my mother. I just really don't know what to do... and it's not like we want to hide it from anyone, but I don't want us already being married take away from the planned ceremony. You know? Oh... and I also don't want to seem like I'm fishing for gifts. Should I have in on the invitations to our big social wedding that we eloped or something, and we wanted to share our union with the world? (My great uncle did something like that before.) How would I tell my friends? Should I? I'm sorry... but this is so confusing. I wasn't planning on this. I think it would be romantic to have a small private ceremony, plus I would benifit... but I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to have everyone there the first time... Help?!?!?
    Posted by Tortastic[/QUOTE]

    It's skittish, not skiddish. Skid marks are found in underwear.

    I think urinating blood is something serious enough that you shouldn't be worried about your wedding... 

    Also, perhaps you've had your priorities a little skewed.  First in your budget should be health insurance, since health care is seen by many to be a necessity.  A wedding is not a necessity. 

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Pay for private health insurance until the wedding.  You can get minimal coverage to hold you over and get looked at. 
     
    If you choose to get married before June, don't keep it a secret and don't do a renewal. Keep the reception if you would like. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2010
    What I do not get is how does she know she can't afford to see the specialist?

    With my insurance I have to pay $75 for a doctor's visit and all tests until I hit my $250 deductible.  After that it is $20 co-pay and 20% of the tests.

    Also if DH was on my insurance it would cost me over $200 per month just for the coverage.

    So my point is even with insurance, if DH was pissing out blood today (first of the year, deductible has not be paid yet)  We would still be paying out a minimum of $450 this month just to see the doctor.  

    It is quite possible that this is a small infection and she might only have to pay out a few hundred dollars to get it fixed.  Which in most cases she would have to pay even if she did have insurance.   The longer she wait the more likely it will become more serious costing more money.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Does this make anyone else think about Darwin awards?

    Even if you can only find a policy for $400/month, you can get it, pay out of pocket, and cut that out of the wedding budget.  Yes, it might mean cutting something you like, but it would be the responsible (adult) thing to do. 

    But you are going to face the same pre-existing conditions problems either way, and you're probably going to have to pay this out of pocket regardless.

  • My brother and his "wife" did something similar because they'll be moving out of the country just after their official wedding this fall, and they needed to have been married for a certain amount of time in order to get the right visas (or something, I'm not really clear on the logistics of it!).  So they got "married" using a JOP with just their parents present, and our family is just calling it their official engagement.  Maybe there are some really extended family or distant friends that are horrified, but as far as I know, no one is really counting their courthouse marriage as the real thing.  They're not even living together yet (She's still in school an hour away from him).

    I know most people say you can't have two ceremonies, but I think there are exceptions to every rule, this included.  In some countries in Europe, it's common to have a seperate civil and church ceremony, with different guest lists for each.  Generally they'd be on the same day, but people don't bat an eye if they're not.  It's not like you're asking for two waves of presents!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:65b62715-2481-4305-be49-43626940a6b0">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My brother and his <strong>"wife"</strong> did something similar because they'll be moving out of the country just after their official wedding this fall, and they needed to have been married for a certain amount of time in order to get the right visas (or something, I'm not really clear on the logistics of it!).  <strong>So they got "married" using a JOP </strong>with just their parents present, and our family is just calling it their official engagement. 
    Posted by samscsi@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

    Um, getting married by a JOP is in fact, a marriage. So, your brother has a wife, not a "wife", and he did in fact get married, not "married".

    I'm getting married next saturday by a JOP. Does that mean that I'll only have a "husband"? I have to have a pretty princess day to knock off the quotation marks???
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:65b62715-2481-4305-be49-43626940a6b0">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My brother and his "wife" did something similar because they'll be moving out of the country just after their official wedding this fall, and they needed to have been married for a certain amount of time in order to get the right visas (or something, I'm not really clear on the logistics of it!).  So they got "married" using a JOP with just their parents present, and our family is just calling it their official engagement.  Maybe there are some really extended family or distant friends that are horrified, but as far as I know, no one is really counting their courthouse marriage as the real thing.  They're not even living together yet (She's still in school an hour away from him). I know most people say you can't have two ceremonies, but I think there are exceptions to every rule, this included.  In some countries in Europe, it's common to have a seperate civil and church ceremony, with different guest lists for each.  Generally they'd be on the same day, but people don't bat an eye if they're not.  It's not like you're asking for two waves of presents!
    Posted by samscsi@gmail.com[/QUOTE]
    Your brother is legally and officially married now.  If your family is okay with a second "wedding," that's fine...but the true wedding and marriage has already occurred.  Just saying.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:65b62715-2481-4305-be49-43626940a6b0">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My brother and his "wife" did something similar because they'll be moving out of the country just after their official wedding this fall, and they needed to have been married for a certain amount of time in order to get the right visas (or something, I'm not really clear on the logistics of it!).  So they got "married" using a JOP with just their parents present, and our family is just calling it their official engagement.  <strong>Maybe there are some really extended family or distant friends that are horrified, but as far as I know, no one is really counting their courthouse marriage as the real thing.  </strong>They're not even living together yet (She's still in school an hour away from him). I know most people say you can't have two ceremonies, but I think there are exceptions to every rule, this included.  In some countries in Europe, it's common to have a seperate civil and church ceremony, with different guest lists for each.  Generally they'd be on the same day, but people don't bat an eye if they're not.  It's not like you're asking for two waves of presents!
    Posted by samscsi@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

    OP already stated that her family does not feel the same way yours does.  She said her mom does not like the idea of 2 ceremonies, so I'm not sure how your reply has anything to do with OP's circumstances.

    As for exceptions, part of being an adult is making choices.  There are consequences to the choices you make.  If you choose to go without health care, you may end up with a hug doctor bill when you end up with a potential kidney infection.  When you chose to get married at a JOP, the consequence is that you don't get your pretty princess day.

    Why is this so hard to understand? 
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec2cb5-0ae0-41e0-8b66-29c544fe936aPost:0a7b517c-5df2-4e70-a092-ddfcd6e4221f">Re: Getting married before we get... married?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:. As for exceptions, part of being an adult is making choices.  There are consequences to the choices you make.  If you choose to go without health care, you may end up with a hug doctor bill when you end up with a potential kidney infection.  When you chose to get married at a JOP, the consequence is that you don't get your pretty princess day. <strong>Why is this so hard to understand?</strong> 
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    diito.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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