Dealbreakers

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:677537f0-ec21-462f-819b-2726706bfac8">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I always thought I would never marry a smoker, then I fell in love with a guy who does smoke occasionally (really just when he's out at a bar).  I learned to deal. I think all the comments about not marrying someone larger than you are odd because I feel the opposite - I could never be with someone smaller than me! <strong> I would feel like a beast.</strong>
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah! AND, this is completely selfish of me, but if my H were on the pudgier side, I would feel itty bitty. I might enjoy feeling tiny. I would be really concerned if my H were obese, but carrying an extra few pounds? Fine with me.</div>

Habs2Hart

I also couldn't marry someone who wasn't at least partially creative.  I thrive on creativity. 

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:677537f0-ec21-462f-819b-2726706bfac8">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I always thought I would never marry a smoker, then I fell in love with a guy who does smoke occasionally (really just when he's out at a bar).  I learned to deal. <strong>I think all the comments about not marrying someone larger than you are odd because I feel the opposite - I could never be with someone smaller than me!  I would feel like a beast.</strong>
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]

<div>Those aren't opposites.</div>

wrigleyville

Dealbreakers:

- wants kids
- Christian
- poor grammar/spelling
- doesn't like to read
- doesn't get along with my family/friends
- homophobe
- pro-life

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:d33f8962-749a-406d-92fc-d73691a906d5">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : This. Maybe it's because I live in a very rural area, but the most successful people here are the uneducated farmers or entrepreneurs.
Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]

See to me farmers are educated, just in a different way. Entrepreneurs too. I'm talking about those people that graduate HS, or get a GED, and then nothing. Not attempt at anything.

LeiselEB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:b905adf3-1f56-41e1-adb3-ce666cd6610b">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : My FI was a physics major and had to take multiple history and literature classes as part of his gen ed requirements.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Yeah, but plenty of people still pass those classes without really absorbing (or even reading) the material. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I'm not saying your FI didn't read in those classes or that he's not well read. Just wanted to be clear on that. </div>

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:b905adf3-1f56-41e1-adb3-ce666cd6610b">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : My FI was a physics major and had to take multiple history and literature classes as part of his gen ed requirements.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>H has his masters in physics. He had to take a few gen ed classes, like I said. But that doesn't make him, or anyone well read. I know people who pass/get A's in these classes and don't really learn a thing. My H is well read because he's on BBC all the time and constantly learning about stuff that interests him. </div>

specialk84

I wouldn't date someone who:

-had no desire to learn more, whether or not it took place in a college

-was mean to or didn't like animals

-treated women like we were living in the 1950s

-wanted kids or already had kids

-thought my hobbies were stupid

Some of the dealbreakers you guys mention are things I'm guilty of. I'm a slob (which makes me a terrible SAHW, but at least I'm trying) and a fatty, and I have no desire to be the best at anything.

Other things, like getting along with family, make me wonder. Granted, I'm biased, but if your partner had a family like my ILs, would you still be unwilling to date him? Would you recognize that sometimes people ditch their families for their own self-preservation?

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:817ea722-edba-4ef2-a5d7-2d1c0f9b59ac">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I also think it's kind of silly to be offended by other people's dealbreakers. A lot of y'all said you wouldn't marry an atheist or a left-winger and I'm not upset that you wouldn't marry me. Also my FI, for all intents and purposes, is fat. He's working on it, and he was from day 1, so it's not a dealbreaker to me. but I'm not surprised or bothered by the fact that it is for others.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>I totally agree.</div>

[Deleted User]

Deal breakers:

-dumb
-not funny
-bad taste in music
-has kids
-wants kids
-religious (spiritual ok)
-never wanting a dog
-excessive snorer

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:7571b9cd-da0d-495a-ad77-a24bd380aecc">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't date someone who: -had no desire to learn more, whether or not it took place in a college -was mean to or didn't like animals -treated women like we were living in the 1950s -wanted kids or already had kids -thought my hobbies were stupid Some of the dealbreakers you guys mention are things I'm guilty of. I'm a slob (which makes me a terrible SAHW, but at least I'm trying) and a fatty, and I have no desire to be the best at anything. Other things, like getting along with family, make me wonder. <strong>Granted, I'm biased, but if your partner had a family like my ILs, would you still be unwilling to date him? Would you recognize that sometimes people ditch their families for their own self-preservation?</strong>
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I think your situation is a bit different. If I had IL's like yours, I might make an exception to the rule because your IL's are bat.shiiit.crazy.</div>

musicalsunlight

Getting along with family is not a dealbreaker for me, Special. ESPECIALLY for something like your case.

adamar15

Special, the family thing is only important to me because we both get along with our families well.  If H's family sucked but he wanted no part of it, that wouldn't be a problem.  If his family sucked and he wanted us to be besties, that would definitely be a problem.

MyUserName1

I wouldn't care, Special.  What would bother me would be if someone with family like your  H expected me to get along with those hosebeasts.  But if they're willing to be somewhat distanced from the crazy, it wouldn't be an issue. 

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:b0a9a2e9-cab2-4fe7-88db-a8a3ddc840f7">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]Special, the family thing is only important to me because we both get along with our families well.  If H's family sucked but he wanted no part of it, that wouldn't be a problem.  If his family sucked and he wanted us to be besties, that would definitely be a problem.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

<div>This is the perfect way to explain it. </div>

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:8598f28a-920d-48c4-a1f8-bc106c3c19c7">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : H has his masters in physics. He had to take a few gen ed classes, like I said. But that doesn't make him, or anyone well read. I know people who pass/get A's in these classes and don't really learn a thing. My H is well read because he's on BBC all the time and constantly learning about stuff that interests him. 
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

I feel like even in the most basic lit class you probably read a minimum of 10-15 books a semester. Unless someone who's not in school puts a priority on reading I really doubt they could say the same. I mean honestly it wasn't a few gen ed classes, it was a few a year. From Sociology to Psychology to Western Civilization to British Literature I feel like most non-college educated people, again unless they make an ardent effort to do so, aren't going to have even an armchair understanding of most of those subjects. I also have a hard time understanding or believing you could learn nothing and get an A in a class anyway unless the professor honestly didn't give two shitts, which from my experience was pretty rare.

Habs2Hart

Special - I agree with your last statement.  I'm not sure H's dad and wife are particularly fond of me, and they've said some really nasty things, to both of us.  Doesn't change who H is as a person.  Would it be easier if all my IL's were lovely?  Sure, but it doesn't change the fact I love him.  Now, we get along fine in company, so I guess that is one thing. 

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:7571b9cd-da0d-495a-ad77-a24bd380aecc">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]Granted, I'm biased, but if your partner had a family like my ILs, would you still be unwilling to date him? Would you recognize that sometimes people ditch their families for their own self-preservation?
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]
I think that's a valid grey area. If FI's family was horrid to him, I wouldn't expect to hang out there every Christmas.

I listed "doesn't get along with my family/friends", but I meant if he didn't get along with ANY of them. FI doesn't really care for a couple of my psycho relatives, and he's gotten into it with a couple friends over political issues, but that's understandable. I meant if my FI was such a twat that nobody liked him, then I'd have to do some hardcore thinking.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:817ea722-edba-4ef2-a5d7-2d1c0f9b59ac">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I also think it's kind of silly to be offended by other people's dealbreakers. A lot of y'all said you wouldn't marry an atheist or a left-winger and I'm not upset that you wouldn't marry me. Also my FI, for all intents and purposes, is fat. He's working on it, and he was from day 1, so it's not a dealbreaker to me. but I'm not surprised or bothered by the fact that it is for others.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't disagree with wanting someone who is well read. It's your qualifications of what you consider well read that I disagree with. </div>

[Deleted User]

I couldn't marry someone who:

-smokes

-has a cat (bad allergies, and I love cats!)

-was deeply religious

-hardcore conservative

-had no drive or ambition

-severe health issues that they brought on themselves and won't try to get better

-held unrealistic expectations of me (barefoot and pregnant, cook and clean the house all the time, etc.)

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:e76db6ae-4e46-4ccb-a059-e686e2fea2b3">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : I don't disagree with wanting someone who is well read. It's your qualifications of what you consider well read that I disagree with. 
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

I meant more of ltb's line of being "insulted" when I wrote that.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:7571b9cd-da0d-495a-ad77-a24bd380aecc">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't date someone who: -had no desire to learn more, whether or not it took place in a college -was mean to or didn't like animals -treated women like we were living in the 1950s -wanted kids or already had kids -thought my hobbies were stupid Some of the dealbreakers you guys mention are things I'm guilty of. I'm a slob (which makes me a terrible SAHW, but at least I'm trying) and a fatty, and I have no desire to be the best at anything. Other things, like getting along with family, make me wonder. Granted, I'm biased, but if your partner had a family like my ILs, would you still be unwilling to date him? <strong>Would you recognize that sometimes people ditch their families for their own self-preservation?
</strong>Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

Oh for sure, but those reasons seem pretty obvious from the get go. I'm talking about someone who had no interaction with their family, even when living close, and seem to act like strangers when around each other. That's just weird to me. I didn't always get along with various parts of my family, but we're still close and I love them to pieces.

musicalsunlight

I couldn't marry someone who didn't share my vision of raising my kids near our families.

aragx6

Family isn't all that important to me unless you don't want to make a new one with me. Actually being so close to your family that you can't think or stick up for yourself is probably more of a dealbreaker for me.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:80f5e584-1175-4241-bf7b-96a79c0418b0">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]Family isn't all that important to me unless you don't want to make a new one with me. Actually being so close to your family that you can't think or stick up for yourself is probably more of a dealbreaker for me.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Let's get married.  We're perfect for each other. 

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:41d0ccd9-7420-4fe5-85b2-2902f2213241">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't care, Special.  What would bother me would be if someone with family like your  H expected me to get along with those hosebeasts.  But if they're willing to be somewhat distanced from the crazy, it wouldn't be an issue. 
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>H has really distanced himself from most of them, mainly because his mother is always around. I do have to attend a few holiday gatherings, but all he asks is that I'm reasonably civil to his family. He does not push us to be best friends, and frankly, I don't think he even wants to be best friends with them.</div>

LeiselEB

But Arag, you don't have to get A's in a class to pass the course. You could skim the material to get by with a passing grade, and then not retain any of that information beyond the course. Just because you had to read several books for a class, doesn't always mean you're absorbing that information and walking away with an understanding of the material. 

Plenty of people do have knowledge of the subjects you mentioned without having a college degree. I guess I don't get how you think someone can't know about history or literature without having taken a gen ed class on those topics. 

musicalsunlight

Yeah I couldn't deal with a snorer. Or someone who had totally opposite schedules as me, like they worked nights and I worked days.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:49916af4-fe24-4e02-b288-b5619ddc64b7">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Let's get married.  We're perfect for each other. 
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Sold!

midgetthemighty

This is moving fast.

For some reason, I've always dated bigger guys. H is working out and has a strong desire to lose weight and I'm happy for him.