Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need some advice, please.

Hello, I've seen my fiancee look at this site for wedding advice before and found it really helpful, so maybe you can help me, too.

I'm really excited to marry this woman. We have been together for almost 10 years, since we were seniors in high school, and I've never met a single person that doesn't adore her. I do, however, know 2 people who do not like our relationship: my parents. They say they love her, she is really sweet, but they have bucked at every step in our relationship, from small things like letting her attend family events (this only happened when we were 17-19) to our engagement. To my knowledge, they have never said anything disrespectful to or about her, and with the occassion of one "family meeting" between my parents and us probably 8 years ago, they have never voiced any objections about our relationship directly to her. I do not tell my fiancee what they say to me, but she is smart and knows the situation well enough to know when they've stirred things up again.

With the exception of me giving them the heads up about proposing, my parents have been really great about our engagement. They never let on in the slighest to my fiancee that they were anything less than thrilled and they threw us a surprise engagement party. My parents and her parents generously offered a substantial amount of help with the wedding, saying if she and I took care of downpayments, they would take care of the rest.

Recently, one of the bridesmaids in our wedding went into premature labor. Mom and baby are going through a lot right now, and will not be able to make it to the wedding. Obviously we understood completely, and we visit them in the hospital almost daily.

When we updated my parents on everything that was going on, my mom started talking about replacing the bridesmaid or making a groomsman an usher. My fiancee told them that she felt that was inappropriate and did not see either of those as an option. She doesn't care if we don't have the same number of people on each side. My mother didn't say anything else, but I woke up to an e-mail this morning from my parents saying that they would no longer be helping with the wedding, as they "do not want to be a part of hosting such an unconventional wedding that does not follow proper etiquette." This presents a problem, since contracts have been signed, downpayments made, and basically everything has been taken care of but their payments.

Oh, and the wedding is at their house.

Is there anything I can do to fix this before I have to tell my fiancee? I do not want her to be stressed over their BS.
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Re: Need some advice, please.

  • Your FI is right, she shouldn't replace the BM or make a GM an usher. Would the two of you be able to pay for their portion, it stinks that the wedding is at their house, are they saying you can't have the wedding their now as well?
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  • Megan+AdamMegan+Adam member
    10 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:da136e72-7649-4beb-a661-1a5395c148f0">Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello, I've seen my fiancee look at this site for wedding advice before and found it really helpful, so maybe you can help me, too. I'm really excited to marry this woman. We have been together for almost 10 years, since we were seniors in high school, and I've never met a single person that doesn't adore her. I do, however, know 2 people who do not like our relationship: my parents. They say they love her, she is really sweet, but they have bucked at every step in our relationship, from small things like letting her attend family events (this only happened when we were 17-19) to our engagement. To my knowledge, they have never said anything disrespectful to or about her, and with the occassion of one "family meeting" between my parents and us probably 8 years ago, they have never voiced any objections about our relationship directly to her. I do not tell my fiancee what they say to me, but she is smart and knows the situation well enough to know when they've stirred things up again. With the exception of me giving them the heads up about proposing, my parents have been really great about our engagement. They never let on in the slighest to my fiancee that they were anything less than thrilled and they threw us a surprise engagement party. My parents and her parents generously offered a substantial amount of help with the wedding, saying if she and I took care of downpayments, they would take care of the rest. Recently, one of the bridesmaids in our wedding went into premature labor. Mom and baby are going through a lot right now, and will not be able to make it to the wedding. Obviously we understood completely, and we visit them in the hospital almost daily. When we updated my parents on everything that was going on, my mom started talking about replacing the bridesmaid or making a groomsman an usher. My fiancee told them that she felt that was inappropriate and did not see either of those as an option. She doesn't care if we don't have the same number of people on each side. My mother didn't say anything else, but I woke up to an e-mail this morning from my parents saying that they would no longer be helping with the wedding, as they "do not want to be a part of hosting such an unconventional wedding that does not follow proper etiquette." This presents a problem, since contracts have been signed, downpayments made, and basically everything has been taken care of but their payments. Oh, and the wedding is at their house. Is there anything I can do to fix this before I have to tell my fiancee? I do not want her to be stressed over their BS.
    Posted by GroomNeedsAdvice[/QUOTE]

    <div>Can you tell your mother that the reason why your FI doesn't want to replace the bridesmaid is that she is worried about hurting her feelings during a difficult time? If you present it in terms of placing kindness over etiquette (which your mom is wrong about btw but I don't think bringing that up will help) maybe that will help smooth things over.</div>
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited April 2012
    Well your parents are wrong about the BM replacing issue.

    However, you can't force them to pay for the wedding. So time to find a new venue/budget/etc. It stinks, but this is the risk you take when you let someone else pay for your wedding.

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  • MattsPenguinMattsPenguin member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited April 2012
    I don't know what to tell you, but "unconventional wedding that does not follow proper etiquette"? give me an effing break!  I had 6 bridesmaid, and my husband had 3 groomspeople.  Our marriage is still valid and dang it if it didn't follow proper etiquette.

    Can you afford to pick up the slack without your parents monetary help?  Can you reduce the guest list (provided people haven't already been invited or given a save-the-date)? 

    I'd call their bluff, and try to work things out differently.  It'll be stressful and you might lose a bit of money, but hopefully you can save more at the end.
  • I see it as more of an excuse for them.  Pulling the etiquette card is BS (and wrong as PP have mentioned).  My guess is your parents are grasping at any straw to not be a part of the wedding.

    If it were me, I'd talk to them, explain the situation, explain the rules of etiquette and call their bluff.  If they still refuse, I'd go to plan b: max out my credit card to pay their share and continue on with the wedding as planned.  Cut as you can, but don't let the ruin your day.

    good luck, and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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  • Well kudos to you and your FI for how you're handling the situation. I think I would try and talk to your parents and tell them that because this new mom is already dealing with so much right now, that you didn't want her to feel replaced or hurt in any way, and that it's not fair to ask one of your GMs to step down because the baby was born early.

    To be perfectly honest, if I was in your shoes I don't know that I would feel comfortable accepting money from them after this. Are you guys able to afford the wedding with your FILs contirbutions and your own money?

    GL.

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  • edited April 2012
    If you politely found an etiquette book or online post that explained proper etiquette is to *not* replace a bridesmaid, would your parents change their tune? 

    Instead of confronting your parents about it, you could bring it up as "Mom/Dad, I'm confused because I read in so-and-so book that proper etiquette was to not replace a bridesmaid. Could you explain your understanding of etiquette to me?" 

    If your parents decide they're still not putting their money in, like PPs said you'll have to change your plans to what you can afford. Good luck.
  • Wow - that's just so crazy to me. Yeah - you don't have to have even sides. I'm with rachers that you should try to talk to them and figure out what their deal is. But my advice is to have a calm talk with them, because going over/calling with guns blazing will only make the situation worse. 
  • FI (guess that's fiancee? Sorry for the ignorance lol) and I were given a budget of up to $15,000 by my parents alone. We both like to build things and have made just about everything for the wedding that we can. She even grew all the flowers, even borrowing space in friends yards that volunteered lol. Not going to lie, it looks like we spent 10x what we actually did. I think last time we checked the total, we used $2500 of what they offered to us. We can pay that off pretty easily, but the venue is going to really be a problem, considering the wedding is in a month and we have no extra money for that now.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:aeb2cef3-91e5-4d53-b7bd-82c8b9678d9c">Re: Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI (guess that's fiancee? Sorry for the ignorance lol) and I were given a budget of up to $15,000 by my parents alone. We both like to build things and have made just about everything for the wedding that we can. She even grew all the flowers, even borrowing space in friends yards that volunteered lol. Not going to lie, it looks like we spent 10x what we actually did. I think last time we checked the total, we used $2500 of what they offered to us. We can pay that off pretty easily, but the venue is going to really be a problem, considering the wedding is in a month and we have no extra money for that now.
    Posted by GroomNeedsAdvice[/QUOTE]

    Well yeah that's a problem, it will be super hard now to book a venue in so short a time. I would really sit down and talk with them about what's going on and explain that you don't want to hurt the BM's feelings, or the GM since it's not their fault the baby came early.
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  • I would look into local parks or beaches or anything that is either free or very low cost. Maybe post on your local board for ideas of inexpensive venues near you (Local boards to the left hand side)

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  • I agree with others.  Try to talk to them about how you didn't want to have this untraditional aspect (not that I actually think it is or not that you necessarily do, but some pandering isn't a bad thing), but that, given the situation, you also want to be as kind and supportive as possible.  Hopefully they'll come around.

    Maybe also ask if any other "non-traditional" elements are bugging them?  I know it could be their dislike for your FI, but if there are other things bugging them that you could fix, might as well give it a shot to appease them some.
  • I agree with previous posters on everything they've said so far.

    With regard to the possibility of finding a new venue, since it sounds like you already have independent catering and everything in place, you could probably find a community center, VFW hall, or the like for not too much money that you could use instead if push comes to shove. 

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  • I'd call their bluff, honestly.

    "I'm so sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you at the wedding."

    And then they say "What? No, we'll still be attending!"

    "Oh, no, i'm sorry.  Since we aren't able to secure a venue, we'll be having a private wedding."

    I bet their knickers will untwist over the number of bridesmaids right quick.
  • Are you positive that your parents would MAKE you replace a bridesmaid/demote an usher?  My guess is that they're just clueless that this is a no-no.  If you explain it from how it would look to the bridesmaid/groomsman, and let them know what proper etiquette says, they will likely come around.  They may just be caught up in their own brains of what tradition looks like to them.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:a0ebed46-647b-4112-8da6-51ca704c1e12">Re: Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd call their bluff, honestly. "I'm so sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you at the wedding." And then they say "What? No, we'll still be attending!" "Oh, no, i'm sorry.  Since we aren't able to secure a venue, we'll be having a private wedding." I bet their knickers will untwist over the number of bridesmaids right quick.
    Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

    This really made me laugh and it brings up a good point. I know my dad can't possibly care how many girls in the same color dresses (apparently the dresses not all looking alike pissed her off too) stand next to my FI or if they match my brothers next to me. He is just letting my mom throw a fit so she can have her way. Also, I know they would not be asking my FI to replace my sister if she was the one that could not make it due to an emergency.

    Thank you all very much, you have all been helping me put this a little better into perspective. Usually I have Cami for that, but I'm trying not to add this to her list of unfortunate things that keep happening.
  • edited April 2012
    Ditto what everyone has said above.

    But I would have a backup plan just in case. Just like one of the previous posts said, I would try and check locally (parks, beaches, even university campuses sometimes allow you to use them for a relatively cheap price).

    Sorry to hear this is happening...neither you or your FI need this stress right now. I think that's very stand up of you both for not rushing to replace the BM or giving in against your own feelings just to appease your parents.

    Good luck to you, I really hope it all works out and you and your FI have an awesome wedding!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:30bd25e5-3f99-4957-a24e-832d0a88b1f5">Re: Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto what everyone has said above. But I would have a backup plan just in case. Just like one of the previous posts said, I would try and check locally (parks, beaches, even university campuses sometimes allow you to use them for a relatively cheap price). Sorry to hear this is happening...neither you or your FI need this stress right now. I think that's very stand up of you both for not rushing to replace the BM or giving in against your own feelings just to appease your parents. Good luck to you, I really hope it all works out and you and your FI have an awesome wedding!
    Posted by rkw0717[/QUOTE]

    Thanks! I've actually made a couple calls already since you all gave that advice and it looks like we will have some options. I would seriously never have thought to check any of those places. Glad I came here.
  • You've gotten some really good advice here and I really hope everything works out for you.

    Please come back and give us an update on how it all works out!!
    Lizzie
  • Is your mom always this ridiculous?  I find it hard to believe that someone who is normally fair and reasonable would have such a gross overreaction to such a minor thing.  This seems like a deliberate manipulation tactic, to offer you such a generous gift and then pull the rug out from under you.  If this is par for the course for her, I think you need to be extremely wary of any gifts she offers you in the future and seriously consider how much involvement you want her to have in your life.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:5f16df4c-7c77-4eed-9bd5-b13c0d2d5b59">Re: Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Need some advice, please. : Can you tell your mother that the reason why your FI doesn't want to replace the bridesmaid is that she is worried about hurting her feelings during a difficult time? If you present it in terms of placing kindness over etiquette (which your mom is wrong about btw but I don't think bringing that up will help) maybe that will help smooth things over.
    Posted by Megan+Adam[/QUOTE]

    I like this idea. If it doesn't work, it sounds like a park would be a great backup. And yes, please update us!
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  • See, we are TOTALLY NICE to reasonable, normal people.  Amazing how that works.
  • Have the invites gone out yet?    If the wedding is in a month, i would have assumed that would have been done already.  It may be harder to change the venue in that case.
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  • Yeah, I agree with myname...I'm thinking you really don't want to change your venue at this point if invitations are out and RSVPs are coming in. That's a huge hassle to add to you and your FI's list of "unfortunate happenings" as you put it.

    I agree with MUN1 on calling your parents bluff. If you feel like your dad might not care about all these "etiquette faux-pas" that aren't really faux pas at all, I'd talk to him privately. Perhaps he can help intervene with your mom.

    Good luck! This sounds like the usual disagreements between in-laws, but it sucks that your mom is having this drastic of a reaction over such small details. Did my MIL agree with all our ideas and the way we ran our wedding? Probably not. But did she freak out and pull the money she'd offered? No.

    Your mom needs to understand that you are creating a family with someone else now and that it will entail possibly doing things differently than she would. This requires compromise and understanding, not overreaction and huffiness (unless you're doing something illegal or something crazy like that). This stuff will inevitably keep happening -- when you have kids, buy a home, etc. etc. She's not always going to agree with the way you and your FI do things. But she's got to learn that there's always middle ground and that this behavior will just land her out of your lives.
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  • 1) As far as my mother being controlling, I have 3 older brothers and a younger sister, all 3 brothers are married. Mom was a bit difficult with all of their relationships before they were married, increasing with each son. Luckily, it seems as though she respects each couple's relationship now that they're married. I would love to be able to say that this is for a legitimate reason (religion or anything related), but she threw a tantrum about each and every engagement, too. She's just a control freak.

    2) Our invites have gone out, and we've actually received every RSVP. We really thought we were going to have to track people down and call them. It will be really irritating if we still have to call them anyway to change the venue. If that's even allowed (FI will probably know what to do, if that's the case. She's the etiquette queen).

    3) As far as newbs: FI will occassionally read a crazy comment or post and all the responses calling them out. Pretty damn funny. You guys pick up some seriously mentally busted people.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:92e82e04-aadf-481e-9647-9eb5791ceb24">Re: Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) As far as my mother being controlling, I have 3 older brothers and a younger sister, all 3 brothers are married. Mom was a bit difficult with all of their relationships before they were married, increasing with each son. Luckily, it seems as though she respects each couple's relationship now that they're married. I would love to be able to say that this is for a legitimate reason (religion or anything related), but she threw a tantrum about each and every engagement, too. She's just a control freak. 2) Our invites have gone out, and we've actually received every RSVP. We really thought we were going to have to track people down and call them. It will be really irritating if we still have to call them anyway to change the venue. If that's even allowed (FI will probably know what to do, if that's the case. She's the etiquette queen). 3) As far as newbs: FI will occassionally read a crazy comment or post and all the responses calling them out. Pretty damn funny. <strong>You guys pick up some seriously mentally busted people.
    </strong>Posted by GroomNeedsAdvice[/QUOTE]

    If you do end up having to change the venue, calling them all is exactly what I'd suggest -- a pain, sure, but it will be fine. These things happen from time to time due to natural disasters and such.

    And to the bolded? Truth.
    Lizzie
  • Sorry all this is happening. Some said try showing her that replacing a BM is rude from an etiquette book and I have a great book for that. Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette. Any older person who says anything about etiquette is usually thinking about Emily Post. P. 85 of the 5th ed. goes right over that. If you pull that out and call her bluff then she might actually back down because everybody knows you don't go against Emily Post. lol. (It also says that you don't have to have even sides because *gasp* attendents can walk down the aisle by themselves). Good Luck though with everything!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f269116b-1549-4715-b052-868690d04f54Post:92e82e04-aadf-481e-9647-9eb5791ceb24">Re: Need some advice, please.</a>:
    [QUOTE] You guys pick up some seriously mentally busted people.
    Posted by GroomNeedsAdvice[/QUOTE]

    You've got a good grasp of this place.  Stick around!  We'd love to hear how it turns out.  Good luck!
  • I am so sorry that your mother is putting you through this but you are absolutely adorable to come on here and ask for advice. Your fi is a lucky lady. I hope it all works out and that your mom sees how silly she is being.
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  • You know, you say your dad's pretty normal. I'd maybe talk to HIM to see if he even realizes the severity of what your mom is trying to do.

    And whether or not they let you have it at their house really wouldn't matter to me--I'd have it somewhere else anyway. If I knew my parents hated my fiance, I never would even risk taking their money/land to use for a wedding, because my mom can be a little nuts. Luckily she loves my FI, so she throws little tantrums, but she wants us to be married so she has been keeping it cool mostly.
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