Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?

melb2013

OP, sounds like you don't like showers.  What you are describing is a normal shower.  You don't like that, so decline the shower.  I personally hate showers- don't like attending them as a guest, so certainly didn't want one as a bride.  I declined several offers for a shower- everyone got over it.

You are being completely over dramatic.  Nobody's holding a gun to your head- you don't have to have a shower.  Say no.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95c0c04f-e854-4c4f-a142-2b0548cbb81cPost:5b034290-ec58-47f7-8619-d46c5671006a">Re:Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?: Exactly. A shower is a GIFT to you just like a crockpot. You can accept it. You can decline it. You cannot stomp your foot and demand that the gift giver take it back and buy you a kitchen aid mixer instead.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly.  You can not tell them how to throw your shower.  If you do not like their plan, you decline the shower in its entirety.</div>

kmmssg

Wow.  I'm stunned and it is because I disagree with just about everyone here - can't really remember that happening before.

In my 53 years I have attended a crapload of showers and there has NEVER EVER been male genitalia games, suck and blow games, or anything even close to that.  Bach parties?  Well, isn't that what you do at those?  Showers?  Really?  You guys attend showers with male genitalia games?  Are these the showers attended by the grandmothers, the older aunties, and older family friends?

If I were a guest and those games were played, I woudl find the quickest, most gracious way I could to leave early.  That is just freaking inappropriate for a bridal shower.

I think it would be fine for OP to mention to her girls and her mom that she does not want those kinds of games played at her shower.  I think that would be a gracious move towards the other guests who will be there in her honor.

OP - I agree with everyone that brides shouldn't be involved in shower planning, but if there is something being planned that is wholly inappropriate and likely to offend many guests, I think you can speak up about that part of the planning.

nycrose2013

OP, your mom sounds nuts, but you kind of do too. You are practically begging for permission to tell her you are uncomfortable with the plan. I'll go against the grain here and say that since it is your mother, you can probably get away with a little more input than you would with a typical shower host. Just tell her you heard some of her ideas and they make you uncomfortable, so you won't participate if she does them. Then follow through. I wouldn't let an etiquette guideline stop me from having a polite conversation with my own mother.

AdeleDazeem

kmmsg - I suppose my problem is that I'm not 100% sold on the mother actually doing these things.  A bridesmaid called the bride and said she was so excited about the shower and discussed the plans.  If they are planning all these sex games, then I feel like one of the seven bridesmaids would've expressed their discomfort before now or they'd be calling the bride saying they were uncomfortable, not excited, ya know?  The dramatics of the games didn't come out until much later in the thread after everyone told her to chill out, which leads me to feel like this is all being embellished.

I'm just skeptical, I guess.  I could be wrong, but the way this thread went down, it's just too hard for me to tell.  I leave it to all of you now.

MillieMae92

Kmm thank you so much for seeing where I'm coming from about the comfort level of my guests. I can understand people telling me to suck it up if it were normal shower games and I was the only one not into it, but these games will make a lot of people uncomfortable. Stage, how about you put your open mouth against my greataunt's open mouth with only a cocktail napkin in between then suck while she blows, or vice versa, no reason to be picky, and then decide whether you'd rather do that or strip off some toilet paper. Give me a break. You and a few other posters were literally looking for problems in my post to pick on. If I had posted all of the info in my OP, there would have been complaints that it was too long. I elaborate, and then people don't believe me, or I'm crazy and begging for people to agree with me. I can't win.

Peledreamsofrain

OP, if this shower is the end of reality as we know it, like you are making it out to be, freaking decline it. Golly bejabbers, what a pile over nothing.

CrazyCatLady3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95c0c04f-e854-4c4f-a142-2b0548cbb81cPost:1da64f7d-4c8e-40c1-84d4-d2b4eddce8af">Re: Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Well, a close family member should never host/plan your shower.  It is poor taste.</strong>  However, these sound like typical shower games & events.  Guest who accept an invite to a bridal shower know that they kinds of things will be happening and that's it is all part of accepting the invite.  You should step out of the conversation and just let yourself see how things go the day of the shower.  I bet you that your girls and family will suprise you with a lovely shower, if you only let them.
Posted by stampadhesive[/QUOTE]

<div>Is this true?  I have never heard this.  In my circle, it's usually the mom and/or sister who throw the shower.</div>

CrazyCatLady3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:95c0c04f-e854-4c4f-a142-2b0548cbb81cPost:05f054df-9468-4dc4-8474-cef3e50cdd03">Re: Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow.  I'm stunned and it is because I disagree with just about everyone here - can't really remember that happening before. In my 53 years I have attended a crapload of showers and there has NEVER EVER been male genitalia games, suck and blow games, or anything even close to that.  Bach parties?  Well, isn't that what you do at those?  Showers?  Really?  You guys attend showers with male genitalia games?  Are these the showers attended by the grandmothers, the older aunties, and older family friends? If I were a guest and those games were played, I woudl find the quickest, most gracious way I could to leave early.  That is just freaking inappropriate for a bridal shower. I think it would be fine for OP to mention to her girls and her mom that she does not want those kinds of games played at her shower.  I think that would be a gracious move towards the other guests who will be there in her honor. OP - I agree with everyone that brides shouldn't be involved in shower planning, but if there is something being planned that is wholly inappropriate and likely to offend many guests, I think you can speak up about that part of the planning.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>co-signed</div>

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to Re:Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?:Well, a close family member should never host/plan your shower. nbsp;It is poor taste. nbsp;However, these sound like typical shower games amp; events. nbsp;Guest who accept an invite to a bridal shower know that they kinds of things will be happening and that's it is all part of accepting the invite. nbsp;You should step out of the conversation and just let yourself see how things go the day of the shower. nbsp;I bet you that your girls and family will suprise you with a lovely shower, if you only let them.Posted by stampadhesiveIs this true? nbsp;I have never heard this. nbsp;In my circle, it's usually the mom and/or sister who throw the shower. Posted by CrazyCatLady3[/QUOTE]

It's an old rule that used to be around because the bride was expected to be living with, and dependent on their family before moving to their husband's house. That's not the case anymore, and accordingly, nobody much pays attention to the rule.

TKzilla

Sounds like you have three options:

(A) Talk to the people hosting the shower and express your concerns. Concerns - not demands. "I'm worried that some of the activities planned will offend Great Aunt So-and-So" or "Do you think that may be a little awkward for this crowd? Maybe let's save that for another party"

(B) Decline the shower. Straight up say "Nope, not interested, but thanks for thinking of me!"

(C) Go along with it. Do a shot of tequila and just get on with it. It's a day. Your mother will look ridiculous and you can laugh about it later.

TCK&SMR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ever-appropriate-to-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:95c0c04f-e854-4c4f-a142-2b0548cbb81cPost:8a1fdb78-79a2-49f2-9f83-71ac978a658b">Shower: Is it ever appropriate to say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my BMs excitedly gave me the details of my shower in 2 weeks that they've been lovely enough to plan for me. They brought my mom in as a quot;silent partner,quot; mostly because they needed a space large enough to host a party. As has happened at any event in my life, though, the focus has been taken off me and my preferences and put on her and hers. The way it is now, people are going to get there, be forced to play games for 2 hours, and then watch me open presents for an hour I'm assuming there's food in there somewhere, but when I asked she said they hadn't discussed food yet. There will be about 40 people there, and only about half will want to play games, but my mom will throw a hissy fit if they don't play. I know she will. The annoying thing is, all 8 BMs think the games sound fun, too. I know many people expect some games at a bridal shower, and I don't mind some trivia, memory lane, I could even deal with one of the toilet paper dress/bouquet games but not these they're more for a 40yearolds bachelorette party in 1986. Also, I HATE most games. I always have. Unless it's a drinking game or I'm already drunk. I don't drink very often, either, so that's how often I play. It's obviously too late to request no shower invites are out, so would it be out of line to request that they, not eliminate, but change and limit the games?
Posted by MillieMae92[/QUOTE]

Don't try to take over, just think of it as one less thing you have to plan. I would try to drop hints that you're not into the games but don't tell them that having games are forebidden. Think of the bright side, you're getting gifts <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />. I opted to not have a shower becuase I'm not into the whole thing.