I'm keeping my mouth shut IRL because it's not my place to say anything, so this is just a rant.
FI's friend is getting married in September. Her fiance (I mean *husband*) joined the Marines in June 2012, so they postponed their wedding. Everyone understood, and we've all been very happy for them.
I wrote to her to ask for a link to her engagement announcement in the paper. I wanted to make a wedding scrapbook for her. I never heard back, so I Googled it just to see if they published one.
What I found instead was the "Vital Statistics" page that lists all of the marriage licenses that have been filed. They were married in May 2012, right before he left for basic training.
While I can't blame them for wanting to get married before he left, it makes me sooooo angry that people may not know about this. I haven't surveyed our friends, because I don't feel I have the right to spill the beans, and I don't know if her family knows. For all I know, they do know, and they're okay with this PPD. She continually calls him her "fiance", though, and my head spins every time I see that.
So, I'm sitting here stewing, not wanting to bring it up with her or anyone else we know because it's not my place. We're simply going to decline the invitation, and we aren't buying them a gift. FI wants to give them a vow renewal card, but I told him that's mean and petty. I said it's more adult of us to simply decline the invitation and keep mum about the issue, even though I'm seething at the audacity of all this. As I said, I understand why they wanted to get married before he left, but having this huge PPD she's planning is just ridiculous. They could have had a very nice dinner with people after the ceremony, as our county does civil ceremonies on Friday afternoons.
I just hate that I know about this and can't say anything. I hate being an adult sometimes.
It also hurts me that she's been lying about all of this. I would have been thrilled to attend a dinner party after the civil ceremony, and I would have been fine with some type of "hey, we got married before he left, but we want to have a big party when he comes home on leave next Fall". I would have cooked a potluck dish and everything. But now that she's lied and is deceiving us? Oh, HECK no...
I guess... let this be a lesson to anyone contemplating eloping and then lying about it. People can and will find out at some point.
Re: Already Married?!?
[QUOTE]I think you should come clean about knowing. You have a reasonable explanation for how you happened on the info. I'd give her a small gift and a card, and tell her you wished you'd known sooner, and then decline the "wedding" invitation.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
cosigned !
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
[QUOTE]I think you should come clean about knowing. You have a reasonable explanation for how you happened on the info. I'd give her a small gift and a card, and tell her you wished you'd known sooner, and then decline the "wedding" invitation.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
I'd come clean with her as well, but I would also be declining the invitation. I might send a card, but no gift, simply because knowingly deceiving those around you to have a PPD is very gift-grabby and rude. It is not rude to decline an invitation for a fake event, and unless all of the guests know that they are already married and they are not doing a pretend ceremony or any of the other 'traditional' wedding things like having a bridal party and cake cutting etc, then it is indeed a fake event.
The day you say your vows and sign the licence is the day you are married, whether it's a civil service or a church wedding. Lying about it isn't cool.
I'm sorry that your friend has been lying to you and you have every right to be hurt. I'm with PP - I'd wonder what else she's been keeping from you.
I wouldn't go regardless, but I guess I would feel differently (in terms of how upset I got and how personally offended I felt) if this was one of my best friends versus my husband's friend. Go with whatever he wants to do!
I DO care if they lie about it. I feel it's a complete violation of our trust and relationship, particularly if I see this person and they parade around as unmarried. Not okay. I understand your hurt. I would have to talk to her about it before I RSVP'd anything but no.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
[QUOTE]Are you certain they're married and haven't just filed for a marriage license? The county we got married in posted that we applied for a marriage license in February (which we did), but we did not use it nor get married until April (it was valid for six months). Is there any chance that's the case with your friend?
Posted by von1976[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Already Married?!? : Except that OP specified that the record said last May...
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]While I am against do overs in general, this one needs more information before I pass judgement. Have they been living together? Are there other signs of marriage, like name changes, etc? Getting married may have been the only way to name her as beneficiary for any life insurance policies, or to give her the rights to his remains. It's something scared kids would do, and I would have to give them a pass on this one, especially if they hadn't been living like married people this whole time.
Posted by EllaYoung[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I understand getting married. While not a fan, I also "get" PPD. I do not understand lying about your martial status. Let's just say something did happen to him when deployed. Do you really think that is the best time to inform his family they didn't get the phone call because the next of kin is really the wife they didn't know about? There is ZERO reason to lie about. Apparently the gov't agrees or marriage licenses and divorces would not be a matter of public record. Also these things always get out. People get over an elopement much faster than being lied to in order to get a fancy party for years.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]If her husband is in the Marine corp, then i one hundred percent understand this. Put yourself in her shoes. She probably didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, and it's her life. To be honest, I know a ton of people who were married because of one reason or another (lots of military families) and then had their celebration later. I don't see why someone elses choices about their own lives would hurt you so much. Also, I am trying really hard not to sound rude, since I'm really not trying to be, so if it comes across that way, I apologize. I just wanted to place devil's advocate a little bit. If she's your friend, and it hurt your feelings, say something, but there's no reason why you shouldn't still celebrate with her.
Posted by hannahlce[/QUOTE]
Why don't you run on over to the Military Brides board and run the idea of a secret marriage and then a big PPD day over with them and see what they say.
There is no reason at all to lie. If you want to be tacky and have a huge PPD after you are already married then go for it but at least own what you are doing. By lying you basically know what you are doing is wrong and don't want to look bad to others.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Already Married?!? : What makes you think they didn't tell the parents? Or the siblings? Or the closest people in their lives?
Posted by hannahlce[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I'm keeping my mouth shut IRL because it's not my place to say anything, so this is just a rant. FI's friend is getting married in September. Her fiance (I mean *husband*) joined the Marines in June 2012, so they postponed their wedding. Everyone understood, and we've all been very happy for them. I wrote to her to ask for a link to her engagement announcement in the paper. I wanted to make a wedding scrapbook for her. I never heard back, so I Googled it just to see if they published one. What I found instead was the "Vital Statistics" page that lists all of the marriage licenses that have been filed. They were married in May 2012, right before he left for basic training. While I can't blame them for wanting to get married before he left, it makes me sooooo angry that people may not know about this. I haven't surveyed our friends, because I don't feel I have the right to spill the beans, and I don't know if her family knows. For all I know, they do know, and they're okay with this PPD. She continually calls him her "fiance", though, and my head spins every time I see that. So, I'm sitting here stewing, not wanting to bring it up with her or anyone else we know because it's not my place. We're simply going to decline the invitation, and we aren't buying them a gift. FI wants to give them a vow renewal card, but I told him that's mean and petty. I said it's more adult of us to simply decline the invitation and keep mum about the issue, even though I'm seething at the audacity of all this. As I said, I understand why they wanted to get married before he left, but having this huge PPD she's planning is just ridiculous. They could have had a very nice dinner with people after the ceremony, as our county does civil ceremonies on Friday afternoons. I just hate that I know about this and can't say anything. I hate being an adult sometimes. It also hurts me that she's been lying about all of this. I would have been thrilled to attend a dinner party after the civil ceremony, and I would have been fine with some type of "hey, we got married before he left, but we want to have a big party when he comes home on leave next Fall". I would have cooked a potluck dish and everything. But now that she's lied and is deceiving us? Oh, HECK no... I guess... let this be a lesson to anyone contemplating eloping and then lying about it. People can and will find out at some point.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Already Married?!?: Did you get NOTHING out of the other posts?! You're about to lie by omission to everyone in your lives. Cut the BS. You want the government of the United States to see you as married but you still want the white dress. That's so wrong on too many levels.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Already Married?!?: Did you get NOTHING out of the other posts?! You're about to lie by omission to everyone in your lives. Cut the BS. You want the government of the United States to see you as married but you still want the white dress. That's so wrong on too many levels.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]