Wedding Etiquette Forum

Facebook Invite and it's a Potluck!

So, I’m gonna leave some of the backstory out, but lets just start by calling the couple in question Nicole and Keith.

At a mutual friends’ wedding in March, Nicole comes over to me (She had caught wedding fever at that point) and says "Who knows, maybe Keith and I will beat you and your FI down the aisle".  I just smiled and nodded, and "bean dipped" her. They hadn’t even finalized their divorces from their formers spouses, and had only been dating about 6 ½ months, so I really didn’t think anything of it, other than that she was now in wedding mode (as evidenced by her Pintrest board).

She was engaged by the next Monday. Divorces hadn’t even been finalized until a few weeks later, but again, I just smile and nod.  She asked me for wedding planning ideas, and I did, but left out the details I didn’t want her poaching.

Fast forward maybe a month.  I’m in the middle of my preschool class, when a mutual friend comes up and says that I’m wanted downstairs to watch Nicole & Keith get married in front of all of church members.  Ok.  Not a big deal, went, watched, congratulated.

They had mentioned that they wanted to have a formal reception later on, and said they’d send out invites. Which I got yesterday, via Facebook.  They are having a reception in one of their friends’ backyard, and are asking all of us to bring our own food. Yep.  You read that right.  I told FI, and he says “So they expect us to pay for their reception? Isn’t that just rude?”  The FI and I will just be popping in, popping out, and then going about our day, but it caught me off guard a little. No wonder people in our circle think our wedding is “too fancy”, I mean, heck we’re actually providing our guests with food!

I do understand why neither one of them wanted a fancy wedding (It’s her third, his second), but if you are going to call something your reception/celebration, you need to feed your guests. Am I right?

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Re: Facebook Invite and it's a Potluck!

  • Absolutely.  And, you don't invite them by Facebook.
  • So, I’m gonna leave some of the backstory out, but lets just start by calling the couple in question Nicole and Keith.

    At a mutual friends’ wedding in March, Nicole comes over to me (She had caught wedding fever at that point) and says "Who knows, maybe Keith and I will beat you and your FI down the aisle".  I just smiled and nodded, and "bean dipped" her. They hadn’t even finalized their divorces from their formers spouses, and had only been dating about 6 ½ months, so I really didn’t think anything of it, other than that she was now in wedding mode (as evidenced by her Pintrest board).

    She was engaged by the next Monday. Divorces hadn’t even been finalized until a few weeks later, but again, I just smile and nod.  She asked me for wedding planning ideas, and I did, but left out the details I didn’t want her poaching.

    Fast forward maybe a month.  I’m in the middle of my preschool class, when a mutual friend comes up and says that I’m wanted downstairs to watch Nicole & Keith get married in front of all of church members.  Ok.  Not a big deal, went, watched, congratulated.

    They had mentioned that they wanted to have a formal reception later on, and said they’d send out invites. Which I got yesterday, via Facebook.  They are having a reception in one of their friends’ backyard, and are asking all of us to bring our own food. Yep.  You read that right.  I told FI, and he says “So they expect us to pay for their reception? Isn’t that just rude?”  The FI and I will just be popping in, popping out, and then going about our day, but it caught me off guard a little. No wonder people in our circle think our wedding is “too fancy”, I mean, heck we’re actually providing our guests with food!

    I do understand why neither one of them wanted a fancy wedding (It’s her third, his second), but if you are going to call something your reception/celebration, you need to feed your guests. Am I right?

    Talk about crazy. Yeesh.  I'm with you. Don't invite people to celebrate your marriage and ask them to feed themselves.

    Funny story: one of my cousins had a potluck wedding. When we got the invite, we were dumbfounded.  We called to ask about it and we're told that since we lived OOT, we could just bring a cooler with ice and beverages.  That way we didn't have to worry about bringing a dish from several hours away.  Yeah, thanks for thinking of us there cuz.  Anywho, we get to the wedding, and the potluck is setup literally in the foyer of the hotel where the wedding is.  The ceremony and reception are in the same room, at the same tables, off the foyer.  The range of food was horrible: chips and dip, salsa, bagel bites, and at least five things of baked beans. Not much in the way of entrees. Here's the kicker: each person got an elaborate chocolate lollipop as a favor and there were THREE cakes on the cake table, one that was 2-3 tiers and then two more separate cakes 1 tier each.  Ridiculous. To this day, I believe they could have afforded to host everyone properly if they had fixed their priorities.
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  • Liatris2010 my thoughts exactly.  

    And the real kicker was then people who are in the same outer circle of friends tried to tell me that I should do the same thing, and that I didn't need to spend money to have a big wedding.  
    And that the "spontaneous" manner of N & K's wedding was "romantic". Funny, I thought it was rushed, and a great way to get to spend money on themselves. 

    I'm going to put my "Judgy pants" on for a second, these people who "can't afford" to feed guests spent about $5000 on their wedding bands (more than my entire ceremony/honeymoon will be),  and I know this because she pulled a "humble-brag" on this when she told me.  I'm gonna bet their honeymoon costs just as much (if not more).  But sure, if I wanted my guests to essentially pay for "our" celebration, I bet I could do that too.  I know, I'm not supposed to dictate how people spend their money, but this is flat out rude. 


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  • RachelBFMD
    I once had a friend tell me about a similar potluck wedding they went to in the couples parent's backyard.  The wedding guests weren't allowed to use the toilets inside the house, and were told they could only use the porta potty that was rented for the occasion.  I was told that the mother of the bride yelled at several guests (including my friend) for not checking with her before bringing a dish, because she had wanted them to bring something classier.  
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  • rajahmdrajahmd member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2013
    RachelBFMD
    I once had a friend tell me about a similar potluck wedding they went to in the couples parent's backyard.  The wedding guests weren't allowed to use the toilets inside the house, and were told they could only use the porta potty that was rented for the occasion.  I was told that the mother of the bride yelled at several guests (including my friend) for not checking with her before bringing a dish, because she had wanted them to bring something classier.  
    Shit, that's nuts. Who does that? Have some common decency people. I just don't get it.

    ETA: The situation I wrote about in my previous post is part of the reason why only 3 of my dad's 12 living siblings are invited and only 1 cousin out of +30 is invited. I can't stand most of my dad's family. 
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  • For the record, the newlyweds are not invited to my wedding.  And this celebration is another reason why. 
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  • ....

    I do understand why neither one of them wanted a fancy wedding (It’s her third, his second), but if you are going to call something your reception/celebration, you need to feed your guests. Am I right?

    You also need to have it immediately following your ceremony, so they're just batting a thousand on this one. 
  • So, I’m gonna leave some of the backstory out, but lets just start by calling the couple in question Nicole and Keith.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

    At a mutual friends’ wedding in March, Nicole comes over to me (She had caught wedding fever at that point) and says "Who knows, maybe Keith and I will beat you and your FI down the aisle".  I just smiled and nodded, and "bean dipped" her. They hadn’t even finalized their divorces from their formers spouses, and had only been dating about 6 ½ months, so I really didn’t think anything of it, other than that she was now in wedding mode (as evidenced by her Pintrest board).

    She was engaged by the next Monday. Divorces hadn’t even been finalized until a few weeks later, but again, I just smile and nod.  She asked me for wedding planning ideas, and I did, but left out the details I didn’t want her poaching.

    Fast forward maybe a month.  I’m in the middle of my preschool class, when a mutual friend comes up and says that I’m wanted downstairs to watch Nicole & Keith get married in front of all of church members.  Ok.  Not a big deal, went, watched, congratulated.

    They had mentioned that they wanted to have a formal reception later on, and said they’d send out invites. Which I got yesterday, via Facebook.  They are having a reception in one of their friends’ backyard, and are asking all of us to bring our own food. Yep.  You read that right.  I told FI, and he says “So they expect us to pay for their reception? Isn’t that just rude?”  The FI and I will just be popping in, popping out, and then going about our day, but it caught me off guard a little. No wonder people in our circle think our wedding is “too fancy”, I mean, heck we’re actually providing our guests with food!

    I do understand why neither one of them wanted a fancy wedding (It’s her third, his second), but if you are going to call something your reception/celebration, you need to feed your guests. Am I right?

    Why bother going at all? 
  • cmgilpin I'm starting to wonder about that myself...  
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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    @RachelBFMD...I think we were at the same wedding! ;)

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • @RetreadBride that's a great idea! Almost better than just not going.... And way easier to find than durian fruit.... Not that I would ever do something mean like that...
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  • wow......first of all let me pick my jaw up off the floor...LOL you should bring some super nasty dish or just a bag of chips and a can of frito bean dip...dinner is served....
  • Hey some of this story sounds familiar!!  Our best man's story gets worse by the day with faux pas but I wouldn't miss it for the world at this point. I feel compelled to document it carefully now. I can bring my own popcorn too.


    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • @Peledreamsofrain if only it wasn't a Facebook invite... Adding a photo to one on those isn't possible... Dang it...but I like the bologna idea... If I go... I may just take the high road and avoid it.
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  • So, I’m gonna leave some of the backstory out, but lets just start by calling the couple in question Nicole and Keith.

    At a mutual friends’ wedding in March, Nicole comes over to me (She had caught wedding fever at that point) and says "Who knows, maybe Keith and I will beat you and your FI down the aisle".  I just smiled and nodded, and "bean dipped" her. They hadn’t even finalized their divorces from their formers spouses, and had only been dating about 6 ½ months, so I really didn’t think anything of it, other than that she was now in wedding mode (as evidenced by her Pintrest board).

    She was engaged by the next Monday. Divorces hadn’t even been finalized until a few weeks later, but again, I just smile and nod.  She asked me for wedding planning ideas, and I did, but left out the details I didn’t want her poaching.

    Fast forward maybe a month.  I’m in the middle of my preschool class, when a mutual friend comes up and says that I’m wanted downstairs to watch Nicole & Keith get married in front of all of church members.  Ok.  Not a big deal, went, watched, congratulated.

    They had mentioned that they wanted to have a formal reception later on, and said they’d send out invites. Which I got yesterday, via Facebook.  They are having a reception in one of their friends’ backyard, and are asking all of us to bring our own food. Yep.  You read that right.  I told FI, and he says “So they expect us to pay for their reception? Isn’t that just rude?”  The FI and I will just be popping in, popping out, and then going about our day, but it caught me off guard a little. No wonder people in our circle think our wedding is “too fancy”, I mean, heck we’re actually providing our guests with food!

    I do understand why neither one of them wanted a fancy wedding (It’s her third, his second), but if you are going to call something your reception/celebration, you need to feed your guests. Am I right?

    Whaaaa?
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    image
  • @southernbelle0915-thank you for that!  I was thinking the same thing myself!
  • @southernbelle0915-thank you for that!  I was thinking the same thing myself!
    I'm guessing she's a teacher.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

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  • @southernbelle0915-thank you for that!  I was thinking the same thing myself!

    I'm guessing she's a teacher.

    I was actually thinking thy were Sunday school teachers, since they wanted church members to see them get married.
  • @southernbelle0915-thank you for that!  I was thinking the same thing myself!
    I'm guessing she's a teacher.
    Yes, I figured this also - I was surprised that it was "no big deal" to be in the middle of teaching a class and to have someone bust in and say "hey, your friends are getting married downstairs, want to come watch?" It would surprise me!
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    image
  • I don't have anything constructive to add, but just wanted to say that this thread is exceptionally entertaining.  Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Facebook Potluck Wedding!  

    OP: You could bring a real Scottish Haggis.  They're vile.  
    image
    Meddied since 6/15/13!
  • RachelBFMD
    I once had a friend tell me about a similar potluck wedding they went to in the couples parent's backyard.  The wedding guests weren't allowed to use the toilets inside the house, and were told they could only use the porta potty that was rented for the occasion.  I was told that the mother of the bride yelled at several guests (including my friend) for not checking with her before bringing a dish, because she had wanted them to bring something classier.  
    I literally just face-palmed and stopped breathing for a second. 
  • wow......first of all let me pick my jaw up off the floor...LOL you should bring some super nasty dish or just a bag of chips and a can of frito bean dip...dinner is served....
    Yes. Please "bean dip" this situation all the way. x-P 
  • Is she calling it a "formal reception" or is it a party to celebrate their marriage? I think there's a big difference.
  • Chips and bean dip are a great idea...but I have been to a potluck wedding where somebody brought a few of those Taco Bell boxes full of tacos and burritos.  Nothing says classy like food served from a cardboard box.  :)

  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I'd have to go to this thing JUST to see the train wreck.
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  • My mother is very insistent that I have a potluck reception. She brings it up every time I call, and every time it's "No Mother, we are not doing that" She won't give up. She says she's just trying to help us save money. Last time I laid out several reasons why not including, food allergies, food poisoning, not knowing how long the dish had been out of temperature range, possible breaking of someone's dishes, not knowing what people would be bringing ect. She won't accept "It's tacky" She says that people will understand that we are all trying to save money.
    Instead of getting defensive about it, you may have to be very firm and blunt: "Mom, we are not doing a potluck reception.  I will not discuss this with you again, so stop bringing it up."
  • @southernbelle0915 Yes, I am a sunday school program teacher.  And the "no big deal" was sort of sarcasm.  The people who came upstairs to tell me were acting like its just something people do randomly on Sunday nights... 

    tinambride she was originally calling it a "reception" but in the classy facebook invite, it's a "celebration of our wedding".  Either way, she's still asking people to provide the food for her party. 

    Rachel-Elise That was my reaction when I was first told of this wedding.  Followed by, "Well I'm glad I wasn't invited".  

    drexelkathy The weird part is that people seem to find this acceptable. Even the part about us basically paying for the celebration of the couple.  I don't know if they side eye them in private, or if they don't know the whole story, but yeah, like I said no wonder those people seem to think my wedding is a "fancy" one...  

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  • Jen4948 That's exactly what I had to do with my own mother to avoid being a knot bad example.  She got the point.   She feels that because I go to a Christian church and not a Catholic one, that the fellow church members should pay for the whole thing...

    come to think of it...I wonder if somehow my mother's mindset got to "Nicole"...
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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Wow...judging by their standards, hosting a BBQ would be a "fancy" event.  So weird.
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