Chit Chat

Change of Heart

My fiance proposed to me in August and at the beginning of September we had our wedding party decided and asked. I asked my bridesmaids to choose a black dress they would feel comfortable and would wear again to a different event. My fiance and I ended up moving to a different city (about 1 hour and 1/2 away) in the middle of September. Since then I have had doubts about one of my girl friends being in the wedding party and I think I made a mistake about one of my bridesmaids and would rather have my sister in law who i am very close to for the following reasons...

1. The bridesmaid dress she chose does not look flattering for her figure.
2. I expressed my opinion on the bridesmaid dress she was going to wear for my wedding and offered to help her find a new one. She accepted but then blew me off one day and the 2nd day she tried to get out dress shopping again. 
3. She told me that she was going to buy the nonflattering dress and asked me not to be upset. 
4 I told her that I already expressed my opinion on the dress and we needed to find a different one, she agreed to it and we went shopping and found one that looks better than the one she chose.
5. The shopping was extremely uncomfortable, she wasnt in a good mood, and i felt as though I was dragging her around the mall and telling her what to try on. However, she wouldnt show me half the dresses she tried on and wasnt open to trying on some of the ones i suggested.
6. When we parted ways it was uncomfortbale
and finally i do not feel as though we are as close as we were when i lived in town. 

She has been asking about time she should take off...but she just doesnt seem to me like she is excited to be a part of the wedding party

I am pretty much going to talk to her and say "_________, when we got engaged you were extremely excited for us and we were really close friends. Since then, you do not seem as excited to me and I feel as though we are not as close of  friends as we were when I lived in town. I am getting the impression that you will be happier as a guest in the wedding, not in the wedding party."

Any suggestions, advice? I know it is my day and I need to do what feels right.
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Re: Change of Heart

  • ksscherer said:
    My fiance proposed to me in August and at the beginning of September we had our wedding party decided and asked. I asked my bridesmaids to choose a black dress they would feel comfortable and would wear again to a different event. My fiance and I ended up moving to a different city (about 1 hour and 1/2 away) in the middle of September. Since then I have had doubts about one of my girl friends being in the wedding party and I think I made a mistake about one of my bridesmaids and would rather have my sister in law who i am very close to for the following reasons...

    1. The bridesmaid dress she chose does not look flattering for her figure.
    2. I expressed my opinion on the bridesmaid dress she was going to wear for my wedding and offered to help her find a new one. She accepted but then blew me off one day and the 2nd day she tried to get out dress shopping again. 
    3. She told me that she was going to buy the nonflattering dress and asked me not to be upset. 
    4 I told her that I already expressed my opinion on the dress and we needed to find a different one, she agreed to it and we went shopping and found one that looks better than the one she chose.
    5. The shopping was extremely uncomfortable, she wasnt in a good mood, and i felt as though I was dragging her around the mall and telling her what to try on. However, she wouldnt show me half the dresses she tried on and wasnt open to trying on some of the ones i suggested.
    6. When we parted ways it was uncomfortbale
    and finally i do not feel as though we are as close as we were when i lived in town. 

    She has been asking about time she should take off...but she just doesnt seem to me like she is excited to be a part of the wedding party

    I am pretty much going to talk to her and say "_________, when we got engaged you were extremely excited for us and we were really close friends. Since then, you do not seem as excited to me and I feel as though we are not as close of  friends as we were when I lived in town. I am getting the impression that you will be happier as a guest in the wedding, not in the wedding party."

    Any suggestions, advice? I know it is my day and I need to do what feels right.
    JIC
    image
  • Not because of the dress...because of the fact that i do not feel as though we are close anymore

  • Personally...I would want a friend to tell me that a dress/outfit I have chosen does not look flattering

    MissMolly
  • ksscherer said:
    Not because of the dress...because of the fact that i do not feel as though we are close anymore

    Then why don't you catch up with her? Call her up and ask her to lunch. 

    Saying "We never talk anymore so I'm kicking you out" is effectively saying "It's not worth the effort to reconnect with you."
    image
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostwittykitty14
  • You cannot kick her out with ending the friendship. And you're being selfish and shallow here. Please reconsider this.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    BostonGIrl4732[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostwittykitty14
  • ksscherer said:
    Personally...I would want a friend to tell me that a dress/outfit I have chosen does not look flattering

    That's fine. I would too. 
    But you aren't tactfully saying "I like the empire waist, but I think an A-line would make your figure look fantastic. Do you want to at least try a couple on?"

    You're saying, "You're going to make my wedding party look ugly with your unflattering dress - so you're out."
    image
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostwittykitty14
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ksscherer said:
    Not because of the dress...because of the fact that i do not feel as though we are close anymore


    Re-read your original post then, you made it all about her choice in BM dress.  It became awkward because as Maggie put it so wonderfully: "You basically told her she looks like shit in a dress she actually liked."  Then you were forcing her to try on dresses when she clearly already found one she liked and thought she looked great in.
    BostonGIrl4732[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostwittykitty14
  • One of my very best friends lives 4 hours away.  We met in college and sometimes we only get to see each other once a year if that due to schedules and family.  But by God we have a phone and Facebook and we make the time to nourish our friendship.  Why don't you reach out to her and not make everything about you and your wedding?  1 1/2 hours isn't even that much!  What you're sayign you are about to do is a friendship ending move. I would not be able to get over that.  You should REALLY think about this and not make a rash decision.  Step back and consider your friendship. 
    Sept '13 Siggy: Hair Inspiration: photo 019944c286331ab6fdf602efadf91e9e_zps2908bf88.jpg photo 80abfd960b2f390596c647e6ec4518d9_zpsdfb581e8.jpg Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
    BostonGIrl4732[Deleted User]wittykitty14
  • I am having a hard time believing this is real... in the event that it is:

    First and foremost, you need to call your friend and apologize for dragging her around. Let her know that if the dress she chose is what she is happy with, then she can wear that dress. Noone will care if it's unflattering or not because noone will be looking at her. If you feel like you've lost some sort of connection go out to lunch or dinner with her, make some sort of NON-WEDDING plans and see how things are.

    If you decide to go through with your plan, anticipate her not being a guest at all. If you kick her out of your party because of her fashion sense that will speak loud and clear to her and that friendship will surely come to an end.
    Anniversary
    CLoGreenEyes[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013

    ksscherer said:
    Personally...I would want a friend to tell me that a dress/outfit I have chosen does not look flattering

    The thing is, not everyone wants this; lots of folks just want to be left alone about what they choose to wear. If someone feels comfortable and confident in what they are wearing, little differences like this should not matter.

    As long as she stuck within your requirements, I feel like you, as her friend, could learn to be happy with it. Supportiveness and enthusiasm are a two-way thing, and it sounds like you didn't give her that with her choice of dress. Her excitement for your wedding, and the closeness you say has disappeared, has probably diminished because of your reaction. She is also probably afraid to go shopping with you for a new dress because she thinks you're going to continue telling her she looks terrible in whatever she tries on.

    At this point, I would just tell her that you're sorry if you hurt her feelings with what you said, and that she is more than welcome to wear the dress she was happy with. It is so not worth losing a valuable friendship over a dress you told her she could pick and then poo-pooed (cannot think of a better word to save my soul at this moment, sorry!).
    [Deleted User]wittykitty14
  • Jessa617 Jessa617 member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Does the dress look like this? For the most part I agree with PP's, but what if the friend selected something wildly inappropriate and is just kind of taunting her by saying, screw you, I'll wear what I want? I need to know what the dress looks like before responding.

    I actually have this dress in my closet...what's wrong with it? It's sparkly!!
    Anniversary
  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Does the dress look like this? For the most part I agree with PP's, but what if the friend selected something wildly inappropriate and is just kind of taunting her by saying, screw you, I'll wear what I want? I need to know what the dress looks like before responding.

    image

    I actually have this dress in my closet...what's wrong with it? It's sparkly!!
    That's fine, but it may not be appropriate for every wedding party and I think a bride would be justified in saying they don't want the bridesmaids in it.
  • @AndreaJulia I could agree with you if it was something ridiculous. But the OP repeatedly just said that the dress was "unflattering," making me think it's just not OP' taste. I feel like she would have said if the dress had crazy cut-outs or something when she tried to defend herself.  


    image
  • You definitely owe her an apology. You also really need to understand why these are serious bridezilla issues before you wind up with no friends.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

    BostonGIrl4732HoorayForSoup[Deleted User]RebeccaB88
  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    PDKH said:
    @AndreaJulia I could agree with you if it was something ridiculous. But the OP repeatedly just said that the dress was "unflattering," making me think it's just not OP' taste. I feel like she would have said if the dress had crazy cut-outs or something when she tried to defend herself.  


    Still want to see it before making my judgment. 

    @ksscherer, can you explain in which way it's unflattering? Is it too big? small? short? just an ugly dress?
  • @AndreaJulia No I really don't have this dress. I don't find it appropriate for any event except for red carpet events when you don't care what you look like and just want to be talked about.
    Anniversary
    AJuliaNJ
  • @AndreaJulia No I really don't have this dress. I don't find it appropriate for any event except for red carpet events when you don't care what you look like and just want to be talked about.
    Okay, good. The last time I thought someone was definitely joking, I got flagged. 
    Jessa617 BostonGIrl4732harper0813Dreamergirl8812
  • You owe her an apology and need a serious reality check. Maintaining a friendship goes both ways and no one other than you FI will ever be as excited about your wedding as you. 
    she is an adult and chose a dress that fit your requirements, and then you made her feel like shit. To be honest, if I had been the bm, I'd have told you were to stick it for being so rude and making me feel bad about myself.
    PrettyGirlLostwittykitty14
  • the dress is too big
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