Wedding Etiquette Forum

Donations Instead of Favors?

I just saw a picture of someone who had cards at every seating place at the reception that indicated the couple would be donating $10 to charity for every guest instead of handing out favors. Because who remembers wedding favors, anyway? What do you guys think of that?

Also, follow up, I was thinking that if we do that for ours, I would make it a bit more personal due to our situation. Here's what I'm thinking:

"In 2004, Aubrey lost her father and Richard lost his mother to addiction related causes. In lieu of favors, we are therefore donating $10 for every guest to the Betty Ford Center in the hopes that recovery assistance will allow many more loving parents to attend their children's weddings."

I dunno, need to tweak it more, of course. I personally think it's a great idea to honor our parents that can't be at our wedding. However, some issues:

1. I want the message to be hard-hitting because it is such an important topic, but I also don't want to sound bitter towards our parents
2. My father died of causes related to smoking cigarettes. Is it okay to lump that under "addiction"? I don't want people to assume that other drug usage was going on that they don't know about.
3. I also don't want to be too specific about their particular addictions because his mother did die from a heroin overdose, and I definitely don't want to write that down.

Any suggestions here?
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Re: Donations Instead of Favors?

  • no.  no no no.
  • tiny specktiny speck member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2013
    Please do not do this. Not every guest will necessarily agree with the charity you want to support. If you want to make a donation, do so, but don't do so in your guests' names or in association with your wedding. You can still skip favors without the explanation.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2013
    Don't do this. If you want to support a charity and contribute to it gifts you've received or your own funds, that's fine.  Go for it.

    But leave your guests out of it.  For a start, you don't need favors.  They are totally optional and probably the least missed element of any wedding.

    Second, your guests are there to celebrate with you-not to be a captive audience while you describe your "situation" to them.  They are not there to hear about cancer, cigarettes, addiction, or for that matter, any other "cause" than your wedding-especially not sad ones. 

    Third, it is not gracious to tell people that you've decided someone else needs your resources more than they do-especially because your guests didn't ask for favors.  And they have their own charities to support.  They may not agree with yours, so donating "in their names" is offensive.

    Finally, the whole "announcement" thing just doesn't make the people who are making it appear selfless or altruistic, but the exact opposite.  Regardless of the intentions of couples who do this, they come off looking smug and "Look how generous I am!" and not truly generous and giving.  Keep the "announcement" to yourselves of which charities you support.
  • You're better off just not having favors. I'd be a bit miffed if someone donated money to a charity as a "favor" for me, especially if the charity in question isn't one that I support.
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  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Favors are not required. I would suggest not doing them and just donating the money if you want to. Don't tell people about the generous donation you have, especially in their name. Many people don't support certain charities and it makes the bride and groom look like AWs.
    This.  We skipped favors at our wedding, no one missed them.  As I stated in a recent charity thread, there are several popular charities that I don't support for their business practices and while I don't judge anyone for the charities they personally support, I definitely would not be thrilled to have it forced down my throat in the name of a wedding favor.
  • I just realized bc of this post that my brother didn't do favors at his wedding this past weekend - clearly, they were not missed. and had there been a note somewhere talking about addiction and a charity...eh, my honest opinionn, it would have been a downer. I think there are many ways to celebrate and memorialize your parents publicly during the wedding, I would not do it this way. Clearly, make a donation bc it's important to you, but don't involve the guests.
  • Skip favors and take that money and make a donation. Do not announce in any way at your wedding that you did that. To do so just comes off that you NEED everyone to know what a good person you are. Don't tell people what they aren't getting; just don't let them have it. 

    If you NEED to tell me what a good person you are, skip your bouquet and tell me you did that so you could donate to X charity. Then I'll be impressed. Tell me you skipped something for me, and I'm thinking you're an AW who doesn't really care about that charity. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Great points Addie.  If I went to a wedding and it said that in lieu of any flowers a donation was made to xyz, i'd definitely be more impressed.
  • Do they do fundraising events? If you want to send a hard hitting message to your friends and family, volunteer at an event. It will show your commitment.

    Don't do "in lieu of favors."
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • We never see anybody tempted to post a sign saying "In case you're wondering why we didn't have monogrammed cocktail napkins, it's b/c we took that money and donated it to charity." 

    Nobody asks why there aren't monogrammed nakins, and nobody asks why there aren't favors. I just never understand this need to announce there are no favors b/c the bride and groom donated. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I wanted to do a donation in lieu of favors also, but these ladies talked me out of it. I'm really glad they did because the cause was so important to me that I didn't really see another perspective. It's not that guests are greedy, but it just puts a political spin on the wedding (no matter what the charity - we were going to have trees planted in national forests) and you're better off skipping them. I did not realize favors were optional - I kind of just figured we needed something but didn't want to have some almonds or plastic crap. We're skipping them entirely. Here's what we're doing instead:

    We are using the favor money to make the donation to the charity we were going to make the donation to anyway (we're just not "advertising" it to our guests). It kind of feels more special to us and less of a burden now that we're not trying to find some cute way to advertise it. 

    I also really like the idea of donating your centerpieces. Talk to Betty Ford Center and see if you can work something out with them.
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  • Ditto Addie - If you don't give me a favor, I won't notice. But put that card out there and I'll be annoyed. Use your favor money to make your donation, if you like, but don't think of it as something you're doing for me. I have my own charities that I support. 

    I'm okay with you mentioning in your program that you made a donation to The Betty Ford Center in honor of your parents. I wouldn't mention that they died of addiction related causes. That's an invasion of privacy and there's no need to make an example of them. You should probably run it by their other children, parents and spouses to make sure the memorial in the program won't upset them. 
                       
  • I just saw a picture of someone who had cards at every seating place at the reception that indicated the couple would be donating $10 to charity for every guest instead of handing out favors. Because who remembers wedding favors, anyway? What do you guys think of that?

    Also, follow up, I was thinking that if we do that for ours, I would make it a bit more personal due to our situation. Here's what I'm thinking:

    "In 2004, Aubrey lost her father and Richard lost his mother to addiction related causes. In lieu of favors, we are therefore donating $10 for every guest to the Betty Ford Center in the hopes that recovery assistance will allow many more loving parents to attend their children's weddings."

    I dunno, need to tweak it more, of course. I personally think it's a great idea to honor our parents that can't be at our wedding. However, some issues:

    1. I want the message to be hard-hitting because it is such an important topic, but I also don't want to sound bitter towards our parents
     
    Honestly, the wedding is not the time or place to get preachy about any topic. If you want to spread the word about addiction's ill effects, volunteer your time to help a non-profit that works towards preventing drug habits (D.A.R.E. etc.) or helping family and friends of addicts or addicts themselves.  
     
    2. My father died of causes related to smoking cigarettes. Is it okay to lump that under "addiction"? I don't want people to assume that other drug usage was going on that they don't know about.
     
    People will assume it was hard drugs.  I did when I first read your post.  But again, you should scrap this entire idea anyway.

    3. I also don't want to be too specific about their particular addictions because his mother did die from a heroin overdose, and I definitely don't want to write that down.
     
    Good.  The problem with this entire idea is that it's inappropriate to mention the addictions at all in the context of your wedding.

    Any suggestions here?
    Make as large a donation as you want to whatever charity you want--do not announce this donation at the wedding.  It comes off as very "look at me! see what a good person I am! yay charity!" 
     
    Skip favors.  No one will miss favors.

  • What everyone else has said.  Don't do this.  I totally understand that it's well-intentioned, but it won't come off that way, especially given the sensitivity of your FI's mother's death.  (But definitely it'd be awesome if you privately make a donation in your parents' memories, if that would be meaningful to you personally!)
  • I agree with Kate.

    Make as many donations as you want to to this charity since it is personal and important to you and FI. But do so privately. You don't have to broadcast it to your guests.

    I also don't think your wedding is the time to preach about addiction (or any cause, for that matter). I am truly sorry you both lost parents this way. But you sound very sanctimonious when you say what you have planned. I know it's coming from a good place, but it just is not the time or place for this. Put something in an "In memory" section in your programs (if you're having them) to honor those who have passed, including both parents. But this is not the time to preach about preventing addiction-related deaths. It just isn't. Please don't do this.


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  • Welp, it looks like we won't be doing it. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response of people that disagree; we were kind of shocked to see all the replies. But if you guys all think that, then I think it's reasonable to expect a large portion of guests to agree with you as well.

    I do want to say, though, that I think giving the impression of "Hey look, we donated to charity!" is a lot better than "Hey look, we spent thousands of dollars on a meal you'll enjoy for 20 minutes or a dress I'm going to wear once or a favor you'll probably look at for a few minutes!" And I also feel that saying you didn't want money to go to a particular charity is a bit selfish, especially on a day that's about the couple and what is important to us.
  • Welp, it looks like we won't be doing it. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response of people that disagree; we were kind of shocked to see all the replies. But if you guys all think that, then I think it's reasonable to expect a large portion of guests to agree with you as well.

    I do want to say, though, that I think giving the impression of "Hey look, we donated to charity!" is a lot better than "Hey look, we spent thousands of dollars on a meal you'll enjoy for 20 minutes or a dress I'm going to wear once or a favor you'll probably look at for a few minutes!" And I also feel that saying you didn't want money to go to a particular charity is a bit selfish, especially on a day that's about the couple and what is important to us.
    The ceremony is about the couple; the reception is about the guests and thanking them for being there with you.

    "Hey look, we donated to charity!" is AWish and makes you look full of yourself and sanctimonious.  You shouldn't be announcing how much you spent on food, your dress, or your favors.  Pretty much any announcement of what you've done, either for yourself or someone else, makes you (general you) look like a douche. 



  • No one said they didn't want money going to your favorite charity. But let's not pretend that is a gift to your guests. 
                       
  • Welp, it looks like we won't be doing it. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response of people that disagree; we were kind of shocked to see all the replies. But if you guys all think that, then I think it's reasonable to expect a large portion of guests to agree with you as well.

    I do want to say, though, that I think giving the impression of "Hey look, we donated to charity!" is a lot better than "Hey look, we spent thousands of dollars on a meal you'll enjoy for 20 minutes or a dress I'm going to wear once or a favor you'll probably look at for a few minutes!" And I also feel that saying you didn't want money to go to a particular charity is a bit selfish, especially on a day that's about the couple and what is important to us.

    Cool! Sounds like you'll be going the route FI and I went. I know what you're saying about better to spend money on a charity than material stuff like a dress and a dinky favor. Totally save that money and then make a donation for sure - just privately for you and FI. Maybe make it your wedding gift to each other if its really special.
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  • AddieL73 said:
    Skip favors and take that money and make a donation. Do not announce in any way at your wedding that you did that. To do so just comes off that you NEED everyone to know what a good person you are. Don't tell people what they aren't getting; just don't let them have it. 

    If you NEED to tell me what a good person you are, skip your bouquet and tell me you did that so you could donate to X charity. Then I'll be impressed. Tell me you skipped something for me, and I'm thinking you're an AW who doesn't really care about that charity. 


    Addie for the win.
  • Welp, it looks like we won't be doing it. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response of people that disagree; we were kind of shocked to see all the replies. But if you guys all think that, then I think it's reasonable to expect a large portion of guests to agree with you as well.

    I do want to say, though, that I think giving the impression of "Hey look, we donated to charity!" is a lot better than "Hey look, we spent thousands of dollars on a meal you'll enjoy for 20 minutes or a dress I'm going to wear once or a favor you'll probably look at for a few minutes!" And I also feel that saying you didn't want money to go to a particular charity is a bit selfish, especially on a day that's about the couple and what is important to us.
    Just curious...did you decide to donate to this charity instead of buying a dress?
  • In my personal opinion, I think that having a donation in lieu may make people feel upset by the passing of your family members.  you do not want to have people remember them for the reason they passed away.  I understand that you would like to do a great thing, but your wedding should be a happy time for you and your guests.  I have a mother who struggles with alcohol, so i am sympathetic to your situation.
  • There are plenty of other ways to honor your late parents' memory (if you choose to of course), then brining up the details of their passing which could make other family members rather uncomfortable, ya know? 
  • Okay, i'll be the black sheep of this thread.  My wedding is over and done with so I don't mind hearing how tacky it was bc there's nothing we can do about it.

    We did a donation in lieu of favors and guests LOVED it.  I'm sure there were some who might not have, but we had a ton of people come up to us and say that they just wanted to let us know how much they appreciated that and that they would way rather have money donated to a charity instead of getting some tacky/cheap favor that they're going to chunk anyhow.

    But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican.  Not that I necessarily share every view intertwined in those two groups, but rather my point is that there wasn't a whole lot of diversity and thus the risk that someone would be offended because we supported a cause they didn't agree with.

    I can totally see how this might be offensive, but it worked great for us and I've had 3 other girls since my wedding do the same thing in my hometown because it went over so well.

    Again, just my two cents and personal experience. 
  • Abs211981 said:
    Okay, i'll be the black sheep of this thread.  My wedding is over and done with so I don't mind hearing how tacky it was bc there's nothing we can do about it.

    We did a donation in lieu of favors and guests LOVED it.  I'm sure there were some who might not have, but we had a ton of people come up to us and say that they just wanted to let us know how much they appreciated that and that they would way rather have money donated to a charity instead of getting some tacky/cheap favor that they're going to chunk anyhow.

    But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican.  Not that I necessarily share every view intertwined in those two groups, but rather my point is that there wasn't a whole lot of diversity and thus the risk that someone would be offended because we supported a cause they didn't agree with.

    I can totally see how this might be offensive, but it worked great for us and I've had 3 other girls since my wedding do the same thing in my hometown because it went over so well.

    Again, just my two cents and personal experience. 
    Now I'm curious to know, what charity did you donate to that a bunch of small town republican southern baptists all agreed with.
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  • Abs211981 said:
    Okay, i'll be the black sheep of this thread.  My wedding is over and done with so I don't mind hearing how tacky it was bc there's nothing we can do about it.

    We did a donation in lieu of favors and guests LOVED it.  I'm sure there were some who might not have, but we had a ton of people come up to us and say that they just wanted to let us know how much they appreciated that and that they would way rather have money donated to a charity instead of getting some tacky/cheap favor that they're going to chunk anyhow.

    But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican.  Not that I necessarily share every view intertwined in those two groups, but rather my point is that there wasn't a whole lot of diversity and thus the risk that someone would be offended because we supported a cause they didn't agree with.

    I can totally see how this might be offensive, but it worked great for us and I've had 3 other girls since my wedding do the same thing in my hometown because it went over so well.

    Again, just my two cents and personal experience. 
    Now I'm curious to know, what charity did you donate to that a bunch of small town republican southern baptists all agreed with.
    Probably one that would have pissed me off.  :)
    No need to be rude about it. 
  • Abs211981 said:
    Okay, i'll be the black sheep of this thread.  My wedding is over and done with so I don't mind hearing how tacky it was bc there's nothing we can do about it.

    We did a donation in lieu of favors and guests LOVED it.  I'm sure there were some who might not have, but we had a ton of people come up to us and say that they just wanted to let us know how much they appreciated that and that they would way rather have money donated to a charity instead of getting some tacky/cheap favor that they're going to chunk anyhow.

    But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican.  Not that I necessarily share every view intertwined in those two groups, but rather my point is that there wasn't a whole lot of diversity and thus the risk that someone would be offended because we supported a cause they didn't agree with.

    I can totally see how this might be offensive, but it worked great for us and I've had 3 other girls since my wedding do the same thing in my hometown because it went over so well.

    Again, just my two cents and personal experience. 
    Now I'm curious to know, what charity did you donate to that a bunch of small town republican southern baptists all agreed with.
    We donated to an organization that provided fresh water to various communities in Africa.  It's a pretty big non-profit started by a family friend and is supported pretty heavily by members of our community.
  • Another big issue here is how many "charities" look all wonderful and beautiful on the surface, but when you really look at it FRACTIONS of percents of the money donated actually go to the cause...most of it goes to marketing and salaries.  This is of course not true with all charities and it really sucks that the bad ones overshadow the good ones, but you have to understand many of your guests may have concerns about this.  
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