Donations Instead of Favors?

Abs211981

StageManager14 said:

StageManager14 said:

Simply Fated said:

Abs211981 said:

Okay, i'll be the black sheep of this thread.  My wedding is over and done with so I don't mind hearing how tacky it was bc there's nothing we can do about it.

We did a donation in lieu of favors and guests LOVED it.  I'm sure there were some who might not have, but we had a ton of people come up to us and say that they just wanted to let us know how much they appreciated that and that they would way rather have money donated to a charity instead of getting some tacky/cheap favor that they're going to chunk anyhow.

But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican.  Not that I necessarily share every view intertwined in those two groups, but rather my point is that there wasn't a whole lot of diversity and thus the risk that someone would be offended because we supported a cause they didn't agree with.

I can totally see how this might be offensive, but it worked great for us and I've had 3 other girls since my wedding do the same thing in my hometown because it went over so well.

Again, just my two cents and personal experience. 

Now I'm curious to know, what charity did you donate to that a bunch of small town republican southern baptists all agreed with.

Probably one that would have pissed me off.  

No need to be rude about it. 

I wasnt being rude. I was making a point, as someone who lives in a small, conservative town, with a ton of conservative religious family who tend to blindly assume that everyone shares their views and politics because they are too polite to say otherwise.

Totally understand your point, it just came across as snarky.  

I didn't donate to anything with a religious or political affiliation.  Again, I know a lot of people hate this idea, but I just wanted to chime in and tell OP that it worked for us.

Pepper6

StageManager14 said:

Welp, it looks like we won't be doing it. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response of people that disagree; we were kind of shocked to see all the replies. But if you guys all think that, then I think it's reasonable to expect a large portion of guests to agree with you as well.

I do want to say, though, that I think giving the impression of "Hey look, we donated to charity!" is a lot better than "Hey look, we spent thousands of dollars on a meal you'll enjoy for 20 minutes or a dress I'm going to wear once or a favor you'll probably look at for a few minutes!" And I also feel that saying you didn't want money to go to a particular charity is a bit selfish, especially on a day that's about the couple and what is important to us.

Here's the thing. Personally, I think giving money to HRC or Planned Parenthood or CAncer Treatment Centers of America or St. Jude's is better than spending the money on a dress you'll wear for one day. I think giving the money to Susan G Komen or the Salvation Army or PETA or Focus on the Family is far far WORSE than spending it on a dress, and I don't want my name or my "honor" anywhere near that donation. And everyone is going to feel that way about some charity or other. No one is saying they don't want your money going towards your charity of choice. They are simply saying that your wedding should not be used to raise awareness for a cause and you should not involve your guests in your donation in any way, including in name only. What is selfish is assuming that your guests should support something just because YOU do, or disregarding the possibility of making them very uncomfortable to make yourself feel good.

This!! 

TheBaysideBride

Retreat - I would have sent them a note saying, "in your name and in your honor, as a wedding gift I have sent a $200 donation to Planned Parenthood."

 

PrettyGirlLost

RetreadBride said:

But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican

I live in one of those places, too.

I'm with Stage on this.  That was the wedding where the couple made the donation "in your name and in your honor" to the cause to which I'm completely opposed.  It was a pro-life, anti-abortion cause, by the way.

Edited to add:  Having a sister who was denied an abortion although her fetus was already dead, and having lost our mother to a car accident while driving down to be with sister as she delivered dead baby she wasn't allowed to abort, I'm certain at least SOME people can understand why I might find this just a tiny, wee bit offensive.

I had to edit that because just thinking about it pissed the shit out of me, even after 23 years, and I'm having a bad day and felt like it.

This is just awful, I am so sorry.

rigs32

I work for an elected official.  I am not allowed, by law, to support or campaign for anyone.  That extends to certain charitable organizations that are affiliated with elected officials.  If you actually donated to an organization in my name and the organization published a list of annual donors, there would be the possibility of me having issues at work - depending on the charity.

I think it's just a slippery slope.  You never know why people may not agree with a certain charity's goal or method in achieving that goal.

Jen4948

RetreadBride said:

But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican

I live in one of those places, too.

I'm with Stage on this.  That was the wedding where the couple made the donation "in your name and in your honor" to the cause to which I'm completely opposed.  It was a pro-life, anti-abortion cause, by the way.

Edited to add:  Having a sister who was denied an abortion although her fetus was already dead, and having lost our mother to a car accident while driving down to be with sister as she delivered dead baby she wasn't allowed to abort, I'm certain at least SOME people can understand why I might find this just a tiny, wee bit offensive.

I had to edit that because just thinking about it pissed the shit out of me, even after 23 years, and I'm having a bad day and felt like it.

Wow, that is horrible.  I'm so sorry you had to endure all that-and then the donation on top of it.

BMoreBride6

RetreadBride said:

But I guess it's also good to point out that I'm from a really small community down south where everyone is Southern Baptist and a republican

I live in one of those places, too.

I'm with Stage on this.  That was the wedding where the couple made the donation "in your name and in your honor" to the cause to which I'm completely opposed.  It was a pro-life, anti-abortion cause, by the way.

Edited to add:  Having a sister who was denied an abortion although her fetus was already dead, and having lost our mother to a car accident while driving down to be with sister as she delivered dead baby she wasn't allowed to abort, I'm certain at least SOME people can understand why I might find this just a tiny, wee bit offensive.

I had to edit that because just thinking about it pissed the shit out of me, even after 23 years, and I'm having a bad day and felt like it.

I am very prolife and this ripped my heart open!  How on earth could they deny her that if the fetus was dead?  Did they make her continue to carry her dead child and deliver it?  Sorry if I'm bringing up bad blood I'm just so appalled and saddened by this.  

astimmel

First of all, Retread, I hope you'll accept an Internet-hug from a stranger because I want to give you one. I'm so sorry for what happened.

I have to admit I'm a little on the fence about this, but I'm leaning towards not doing donations as favors.

On one hand, a few months before one of my closest friends got married, his sister committed suicide. They put a card on each table saying something to the extent of "as a thank you for being here to celebrate with us, we have made a small donation to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention."  They didn't specify how much they donated, and they didn't donate in anyone's name. I thought it was a very sweet gesture, and a subtle, touching way to remember his sister.

But on the other hand, there's such a fine line between neutral and offensive that I wouldn't want to risk it. Personally, if I had, like, 20 guests, and we were all of the same mindset, I would probably go for it. In any other situation you have to assume that someone will get offended, even if it's for the National Puppy and Baby Foundation.

QueerFemme

astimmel said:

First of all, Retread, I hope you'll accept an Internet-hug from a stranger because I want to give you one. I'm so sorry for what happened.

I have to admit I'm a little on the fence about this, but I'm leaning towards not doing donations as favors.

On one hand, a few months before one of my closest friends got married, his sister committed suicide. They put a card on each table saying something to the extent of "as a thank you for being here to celebrate with us, we have made a small donation to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention."  They didn't specify how much they donated, and they didn't donate in anyone's name. I thought it was a very sweet gesture, and a subtle, touching way to remember his sister.

But on the other hand, there's such a fine line between neutral and offensive that I wouldn't want to risk it. Personally, if I had, like, 20 guests, and we were all of the same mindset, I would probably go for it. In any other situation you have to assume that someone will get offended, even if it's for the National Puppy and Baby Foundation.

Still, even if it's NOT offensive. How is donating to an organization that YOU support, a thank you to someone else? 

Actually, don't answer that.  Because, it's not.  that's the same as saying "I was GOING to get you a gift, but I gave it someone else instead, but I did it in your honor". 

Simply Fated

FierceFemme said:

astimmel said:

First of all, Retread, I hope you'll accept an Internet-hug from a stranger because I want to give you one. I'm so sorry for what happened.

I have to admit I'm a little on the fence about this, but I'm leaning towards not doing donations as favors.

On one hand, a few months before one of my closest friends got married, his sister committed suicide. They put a card on each table saying something to the extent of "as a thank you for being here to celebrate with us, we have made a small donation to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention."  They didn't specify how much they donated, and they didn't donate in anyone's name. I thought it was a very sweet gesture, and a subtle, touching way to remember his sister.

But on the other hand, there's such a fine line between neutral and offensive that I wouldn't want to risk it. Personally, if I had, like, 20 guests, and we were all of the same mindset, I would probably go for it. In any other situation you have to assume that someone will get offended, even if it's for the National Puppy and Baby Foundation.

Still, even if it's NOT offensive. How is donating to an organization that YOU support, a thank you to someone else? 

Actually, don't answer that.  Because, it's not.  that's the same as saying "I was GOING to get you a gift, but I gave it someone else instead, but I did it in your honor". 

THIS is why I don't understand donations as favors.

Are brides expecting to hear... "Oh thank you so much for donating to the Wallaby Foundation of Denmark for us! I keep meaning to do that every year, but I never get around to it..."

Viczaesar

Retread, they just now - as in this night - passed a law in Texas outlawing abortions in Texas after 20 weeks.  They also require abortions to be performed in surgical centers and for doctors to have privileges at hospitals within 30 miles, which is prohibitively expensive, unnecessary for women's health and safety, and very difficult for rural area clinics.  The bill will most likely force the close 37 of the state's 42 abortion centers.

Simply Fated

Viczaesar said:

Retread, they just now - as in this night - passed a law in Texas outlawing abortions in Texas after 20 weeks.  They also require abortions to be performed in surgical centers and for doctors to have privileges at hospitals within 30 miles, which is prohibitively expensive, unnecessary for women's health and safety, and very difficult for rural area clinics.  The bill will most likely force the close 37 of the state's 42 abortion centers.

This includes whether or not the woman's health is at risk, right? I remember that was a point being pushed. That abortions after 20 weeks were to be prohibited, even if the woman's health was at risk. That's included, right?

Viczaesar

I believe so, Simply Fated. But word just came in that they've conceded that the bill didn't actually pass before the midnight deadline! It was an absolutely amazing thing to watch.

AddieCake

awwwwwwberry said:

Welp, it looks like we won't be doing it. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response of people that disagree; we were kind of shocked to see all the replies. But if you guys all think that, then I think it's reasonable to expect a large portion of guests to agree with you as well.

Thank you!  This is the point we are always trying to make about any not-so-great idea someone has. Thank you for recognizing that!

Simply Fated

Viczaesar said:

I believe so, Simply Fated. But word just came in that they've conceded that the bill didn't actually pass before the midnight deadline! It was an absolutely amazing thing to watch.

o.0 The plot thickens...

Dreamergirl8812

Viczaesar said:

I believe so, Simply Fated. But word just came in that they've conceded that the bill didn't actually pass before the midnight deadline! It was an absolutely amazing thing to watch.

I woke up to that this morning. Such a good day today. Apparently after the filibuster failed the gallery caused such a ruckus that they weren't able to vote until midnight and the bill failed.

Reminds me of knotties.

BMoreBride6

well Retread, I'm just so so so very sorry you what your sister and family had to go through.  I wouldn't wish something like that on anyone ever...at least she has a strong family around her

Viczaesar

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Viczaesar said:

I believe so, Simply Fated. But word just came in that they've conceded that the bill didn't actually pass before the midnight deadline! It was an absolutely amazing thing to watch.

I woke up to that this morning. Such a good day today. Apparently after the filibuster failed the gallery caused such a ruckus that they weren't able to vote until midnight and the bill failed.

Reminds me of knotties.

Yeah, I was watching it live for the last hour or two.  Of course, the governor has called for another special session starting Monday and they'll just be pushing it through then, the jackasses.

MandyandDJB

This is like the "new thing to do" around where I live. I have been to probably 8 different weddings this summer and all of them have done donations. I don't really have a problem with it. I, myself, am not doing it. However, my sister did it at her wedding a couple years ago and chose to give to a charity for Autism Awareness because she is a teacher in an Autistic Support Classroom. All the guests loved it and several commented that it was nice instead of some favor they are going to "throw in the garbage as soon as they get home."

 

I say its your wedding, do what you want!

QueerFemme

MandyandDJB said:

This is like the "new thing to do" around where I live. I have been to probably 8 different weddings this summer and all of them have done donations. I don't really have a problem with it. I, myself, am not doing it. However, my sister did it at her wedding a couple years ago and chose to give to a charity for Autism Awareness because she is a teacher in an Autistic Support Classroom. All the guests loved it and several commented that it was nice instead of some favor they are going to "throw in the garbage as soon as they get home."

 

I say its your wedding, do what you want!

This is a terrible attitude to have.  As soon as you invite guests to your wedding, it's not just about "do what you want".  You need to take the guests into consideration.   For as many people that said "oh, what a great idea", there are usually an equal or higher number who just sit there offended and won't say anything, because they don't want to hurt your feelings. 

AddieCake

Oh, good. Another special snowflake joins us. 

annathy03

I would never say anything to the bride and groom about the "favors", and if the cause isn't political in any way they don't bother me. But I sit down, see it, and think, "Wierd.". Favors are optional, if you don't want to do them then don't, but as a guest I'd prefer you not tell me your donation is a gift to me- it isn't.

manateehugger

In addition to the issue of donating to charities I may or may not choose to support, this whole concept is stupid to me.

"Hey DearFamilyMember, I'm so glad you could come to our wedding. As a special thank you to you, I am giving money to someone else. That's how much I care about you!"

Jen4948

I think making a donation to a charity is always a nice gesture.  It's when it's used "in lieu of gifts/favors" that it seems to me to have more of a "Look what a kind, generous, altruistic person we are!" ring to it than "This is a cause we really care about; deserving people/animals/land/whatever will really benefit from it."  Especially because it treats the guests as a captive audience.

Maggie0829

My friend did a donation in lieu of favors for her wedding and every now and then I wonder if they actually did make that donation or if they just said they did (same with any other couple who has done the same thing.  Is there a way to check?

Anyways, I think it is great that people like to support and donate to certain charities, but I think that should be left out of weddings.  Just because the bride and groom support "the left twix instead of the right" doesn't mean that I do and would prefer to not have my name associated with it.

MandyandDJB

This kills me! Don't change your mind just because the women on here don't like it! If it is really what you care about and what you want, then do it! The day is about you and your FI and your love. If this is something that the two of you want and support then go for it.  If a guest has a problem with it because they don't support it then they are being selfish and not seeing the true point of the day....you and your FI. Guests should be there to support the two of you, not to judge.

NYCBruin

MandyandDJB said:

This kills me! Don't change your mind just because the women on here don't like it! If it is really what you care about and what you want, then do it! The day is about you and your FI and your love. If this is something that the two of you want and support then go for it.  If a guest has a problem with it because they don't support it then they are being selfish and not seeing the true point of the day....you and your FI. Guests should be there to support the two of you, not to judge.

Wedding guests are not hired servants whose job it is to ooh and awe over the wedded couple.

If you want your wedding day to be ALL ABOUT YOU AND FI, then elope.  But if you are having guests, it ceases to be all about you.

If you insist on having an audience to bask in your amazingness, hire actors for the day.

manateehugger

It's being selfish to be upset that money was donated "in my name" without my permission to a charity I don't support?

The reception is FOR YOUR GUESTS. It is not for you and your FI.

Jen4948

MandyandDJB said:

This kills me! Don't change your mind just because the women on here don't like it! If it is really what you care about and what you want, then do it! The day is about you and your FI and your love. If this is something that the two of you want and support then go for it.  If a guest has a problem with it because they don't support it then they are being selfish and not seeing the true point of the day....you and your FI. Guests should be there to support the two of you, not to judge.

Sorry, but this is complete BS.  Guests ARE entitled to "judge" what they are subjected to.  They may never say anything but that doesn't mean they won't.  And by inviting people, you forfeit any right to "it's your day so do whatever you want and fuck everything else."

QueerFemme

MandyandDJB said:

This kills me! Don't change your mind just because the women on here don't like it! If it is really what you care about and what you want, then do it! The day is about you and your FI and your love. If this is something that the two of you want and support then go for it.  If a guest has a problem with it because they don't support it then they are being selfish and not seeing the true point of the day....you and your FI. Guests should be there to support the two of you, not to judge.

Again, this is ridiculous.  I WILL support the marriage, but I will be pissed that a donation was made in my name, or in my honor, to an organization that I don't agree with or support. 

And to the bolded, the "women here" are a good representation of your guest list.  Some people won't be offended, but some people will. (just like the random cross section of people here).   Why risk doing something that you KNOW some people will be offended by?