Wedding Etiquette Forum

What is Plus-One Etiquette

My first-cousin is getting married in August, and I have a plus-one etiquette question. I am 25 years-old (going to be 26 in three months). My partner and I have been together for two years, and in March, we moved in together. My mother recently called to tell me that wedding invitations came to their house. I didn't receive my own invitation - but my name was merely attached onto my parents invitation (i.e., "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and Mary"). The next day, I found out via my aunt and mother that my partner is not invited to the wedding because we are not engaged or married. Apparently, my cousin and his wife-to-be have a total of 50 friends coming to the wedding, and if all received a plus-one, it would be 100 guests, not including family. So, they decided to only give a plus-one to guests that are engaged or married, and everyone else is expected to come alone. This is extremely irritating to me. I can understand not giving a plus-one to those who are single, or those who are who simply dating someone, but not giving a plus-one to people in a long-term relationship and who LIVE together? My mother suggested that I call my cousin and wife-to-be to see if my partner can come. If not, I feel as though I will not attend the wedding. I am always included / invited to everything in my partner's family, and I would feel like complete crap saying, "Sorry, sweetheart, but I'll see you on Sunday evening. And hey, make sure you remember to clean the bathroom and do the laundry while I'm gone!" (the wedding is three hours away, so it is an entire weekend affair). If I do not come, I know that it will likely cause a heated argument with my parents, and that my aunt, uncle, and cousin would be disappointed. However, I am an adult, in a two year relationship with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with, and we live together. Why should I have to go to this wedding alone, get a hotel room alone, etc.? I would appreciate your advice and thoughts on how to handle this situation. Thank you!
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Re: What is Plus-One Etiquette

  • I agree 100% with Liatris2010.  I'd also be miffed.  Rude.  
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    Meddied since 6/15/13!
  • itzMS said:

    I'd decline the invitation without even asking.

    How well can this cousin know you (and vice versa) if they assumed you lived at your parents house and purposely excluded your SO?

    Rude.

     


    This.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • SomethingBeautiful, getting her own invitation is the least of the problems with this situation. She doesn't need a new invitation being issued b/c getting one wouldn't change the fact that her boyfriend isn't invited.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • That sucks.  I've been in this situation several times, the most recent being almost exactly the same as the one you described--the only difference was that it didn't even say my name on the invitation (just Mr. & Mrs. My Dad's Name & Family).  I'm the same age as you, was with my FI (then BF) for 3 1/2 years, and was living with him across the country from my parents.  My cousin's FI Facebook messaged me 2 weeks before the RSVP date to ask if I was coming--I damn near told her I didn't know I was invited at all, but I just told her I wouldn't be able to make it.

    Quite honestly, it sounds to me like you already have your explanation.  I wouldn't ask about it again.  I would just decline.

    Sorry you have to deal with shitty people, but you're not alone ;)
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  • Decline - You have your explanation...
  • That does stink. my brother was in this situation when his girlfriend (now wife) wasn't invited to a wedding of a very close family friend. They had the same reasoning as your cousin. My father called teh groom's father and asked that she be allowed to come (they're best friends). They said it was fine, but my parents threw the engagement AND the post-wedding brunch, so the fact that she wasn't included to begin with was nuts.

    I would have your mother ask the bride's mother, if you don't have a close relationship w/ her, or just decline. I'd never go to a wedding w/o FI.

  • Etiquette states that significant others be invited together. Rules about marrieds or engaged people only went away in the 1950s.
  • I was lurking without creating an account. Your comment was received as snarky, even if you didn't mean it.
  • I was lurking without creating an account. Your comment was received as snarky, even if you didn't mean it.

    orrr you are a banned user using an AE


     

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  • Is NYU back?

    I wound consider that, if I didn't get my own invitation, along with my SO, then I wasn't invited and I woudn't be going.  If my presence is requested, then she could send us BOTH an invitation to our current address.  What she did was two kinds of rude, but I'd write it off as not knowing any better rather than a deliberate snub.  If you want to call her and ask about it, I think you'd be within your rights. But if she doesn't want to include your SO, I'd decline.
  • I think it would depend on my relationship with my cousin and if I wanted to go. It's totally rude for you not to get your own invitation and I agree, hurtful that your partner has not been included.

    If you have a relationship with your cousin and want to go to this wedding, I say call him up. The worst that can happen is that you're in the same position you are in now. The best thing that can happen is that he or she is welcome as your partner.

    I can't think of a situation where I would accept a wedding invitation without my SO. I was once invited and told it was a "very small wedding due to budget" and my thought was essentially that I'll just do them a favor and save them the cost of y plate while they're at it.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • Etiquette states that significant others be invited together. Rules about marrieds or engaged people only went away in the 1950s.

    Again, how does a host of an event, such as a wedding, parse "significant others"?

    Length of time together? Frequency of sexual intimacy?

    The OP need only send a decline, possibly stating that she prefers to attend social events with her boyfriend. At that point, the host may extend the invite to the boyfriend if the host truly desires the OP's presence. The OP can be miffed all she wants. She asked about the Etiquette, and I gave her the answer.

    Want to be an official couple that must be invited together? Get engaged or married.

    Don't want to be engaged or married? Then be prepared for the occasional single invite. Accept or decline as you see fit. Mention the boyfriend in the decline if you want to open the door for an amended invite.

    (Exception: same sex couples who are still prevented from legal marriage. They need to be living as if married and presenting themselves to the world as if they were married.)
  • I really don't think its up to you to decide on someone's relationship. I'm planning my guest list and it's not that hard to check fb or send a text asking if someone is seeing anyone. It's not that hard, make an effort.

    I realize you're just going to ignore me and continue to cite etiquette that seriously needs updating. The whole point is to avoid offending or insulting guests, and many people offended when their known partner is excluded from things like this.
  • Wow- just wow. People are very rude sometimes. :(
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  • Etiquette states that significant others be invited together. Rules about marrieds or engaged people only went away in the 1950s.

    Again, how does a host of an event, such as a wedding, parse "significant others"?

    Length of time together? Frequency of sexual intimacy?

    The OP need only send a decline, possibly stating that she prefers to attend social events with her boyfriend. At that point, the host may extend the invite to the boyfriend if the host truly desires the OP's presence. The OP can be miffed all she wants. She asked about the Etiquette, and I gave her the answer.

    Want to be an official couple that must be invited together? Get engaged or married.

    Don't want to be engaged or married? Then be prepared for the occasional single invite. Accept or decline as you see fit. Mention the boyfriend in the decline if you want to open the door for an amended invite.

    (Exception: same sex couples who are still prevented from legal marriage. They need to be living as if married and presenting themselves to the world as if they were married.)
    You'll find that this attitude won't go over well on these boards.  The ladies on these boards, myself included, give the advice to invite all SOs, no matter how serious the relationship.  It's courteous to your guests, and prevents you from having to "judge" the seriousness of anyone's relationship.
  • keochan said:
    I really don't think its up to you to decide on someone's relationship. I'm planning my guest list and it's not that hard to check fb or send a text asking if someone is seeing anyone. It's not that hard, make an effort.

    I realize you're just going to ignore me and continue to cite etiquette that seriously needs updating. The whole point is to avoid offending or insulting guests, and many people offended when their known partner is excluded from things like this.

    Actually, I totally agree with you. The host of a wedding should know the wedding guests well enough to know if they have SOs or whatever. I agree that if they are unsure, then check Facebook or just call and ask. I'm with you 100% on this.

    "Hi, Jane, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I'm putting my guest list together for my wedding. I am wondering if you are seeing anyone that you would like to bring to the wedding? You are? Hey, great! He sounds wonderful. What is his full name and address so I can send him an invite?"

    The hosts of the wedding in the OP don't appear to be that bright. They sent the invite to an adult at her parents' house, as if she was still a dependent minor. Shame on them. They blew that. Now, it's the OP's job to decline the invite. If she is truly miffed, then a flat decline is in order. If she wants to keep the door open, then a line like "I prefer to attend social events with my SO" is appropriate. At that point, the host may or may not extend the invite to the SO.

    If, however, these clueless hosts invited a married woman without her husband, then it's time for a reply like "Perhaps you have forgotten that I got married last year. I can't imagine you would invite me and not my husband. Oh, and by the way, let me make sure you have my correct address. I moved out of my parents' house years ago.".

    It is absolutely NOT up to me to decide on someone's private relationship. What they do behind closed doors is their business, not mine. The only thing I need know is (1) married or (2) engaged or (3) none of the above.

    (Same-sex couples, different answer as I said before. Hooray for the Supremes!)
  • kiwikiss56kiwikiss56 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited June 2013
    i had a similar situation last year.  my cousin was getting married and my mom was talking to my aunt about how many hotel rooms to get and my aunt was like "oh no...they aren't inviting plus 1s...they're paying for the wedding themselves and its VERY expensive like $200/plate."  my aunt said she would talk to my cousin and his now wife about it and he was "allowed to come" (we were living together at the time STDs came out).  when i got the invitation...it was addressed to just me.  so awkward/annoying!  at that point the subject had already been addressed so i didn't bring it up and it just so happened my fiance had another wedding that same weekend and i was not invited to so we split up.  i don't know why people think it is okay to not invite SO esp. those in long term relationships!  clearly they haven't been on TK lol  
  • keochan said:
    I really don't think its up to you to decide on someone's relationship. I'm planning my guest list and it's not that hard to check fb or send a text asking if someone is seeing anyone. It's not that hard, make an effort.

    I realize you're just going to ignore me and continue to cite etiquette that seriously needs updating. The whole point is to avoid offending or insulting guests, and many people offended when their known partner is excluded from things like this.

    Actually, I totally agree with you. The host of a wedding should know the wedding guests well enough to know if they have SOs or whatever. I agree that if they are unsure, then check Facebook or just call and ask. I'm with you 100% on this.

    "Hi, Jane, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I'm putting my guest list together for my wedding. I am wondering if you are seeing anyone that you would like to bring to the wedding? You are? Hey, great! He sounds wonderful. What is his full name and address so I can send him an invite?"

    The hosts of the wedding in the OP don't appear to be that bright. They sent the invite to an adult at her parents' house, as if she was still a dependent minor. Shame on them. They blew that. Now, it's the OP's job to decline the invite. If she is truly miffed, then a flat decline is in order. If she wants to keep the door open, then a line like "I prefer to attend social events with my SO" is appropriate. At that point, the host may or may not extend the invite to the SO.

    If, however, these clueless hosts invited a married woman without her husband, then it's time for a reply like "Perhaps you have forgotten that I got married last year. I can't imagine you would invite me and not my husband. Oh, and by the way, let me make sure you have my correct address. I moved out of my parents' house years ago.".

    It is absolutely NOT up to me to decide on someone's private relationship. What they do behind closed doors is their business, not mine. The only thing I need know is (1) married or (2) engaged or (3) none of the above.

    (Same-sex couples, different answer as I said before. Hooray for the Supremes!)
    Exactly.  That is what everyone has been saying.  If the couple presents themselves as a couple, invite them as a couple.  There's no other line drawing necessary.  I don't understand what is difficult about that for you to grasp.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • OP, I'm sorry you got put in this situation.  There's all sorts of wrong here.  I'm so sorry you and your partner were treated like this.

    You have every right to be upset.  You two are a social unit, and should have both been invited.  Plus-one etiquette isn't even relevant here, because you are a couple.  It's no one else's place to judge the validity of one's relationships.  If the hosts were unsure, it's their responsibility to ask.

    I would call the host and ask for clarification, but still decline no matter what they said.  This option appeals to me because I would want them to know exactly why I was declining and call them out on it.  But there's nothing wrong with declining with no other explanation either.  It just depends on how you want to handle it.  Good luck!
  • keochan said:
    I really don't think its up to you to decide on someone's relationship. I'm planning my guest list and it's not that hard to check fb or send a text asking if someone is seeing anyone. It's not that hard, make an effort.

    I realize you're just going to ignore me and continue to cite etiquette that seriously needs updating. The whole point is to avoid offending or insulting guests, and many people offended when their known partner is excluded from things like this.

    Actually, I totally agree with you. The host of a wedding should know the wedding guests well enough to know if they have SOs or whatever. I agree that if they are unsure, then check Facebook or just call and ask. I'm with you 100% on this.

    "Hi, Jane, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I'm putting my guest list together for my wedding. I am wondering if you are seeing anyone that you would like to bring to the wedding? You are? Hey, great! He sounds wonderful. What is his full name and address so I can send him an invite?"

    The hosts of the wedding in the OP don't appear to be that bright. They sent the invite to an adult at her parents' house, as if she was still a dependent minor. Shame on them. They blew that. Now, it's the OP's job to decline the invite. If she is truly miffed, then a flat decline is in order. If she wants to keep the door open, then a line like "I prefer to attend social events with my SO" is appropriate. At that point, the host may or may not extend the invite to the SO.

    If, however, these clueless hosts invited a married woman without her husband, then it's time for a reply like "Perhaps you have forgotten that I got married last year. I can't imagine you would invite me and not my husband. Oh, and by the way, let me make sure you have my correct address. I moved out of my parents' house years ago.".

    It is absolutely NOT up to me to decide on someone's private relationship. What they do behind closed doors is their business, not mine. The only thing I need know is (1) married or (2) engaged or (3) none of the above.

    (Same-sex couples, different answer as I said before. Hooray for the Supremes!)
    I don't know if you're really confused, or if your post is just confusing to read. The first half seems to say "if you don't know if your guest has a SO, call them and ask." But then the second half says "Don't bother asking your guests if they have SOs, only invited married and engaged people." 

    Which are you trying to say? Because the first one is perfectly right- you don't judge who is or isn't in a relationship, you just call and ask. But the second half is awfully rude, to ignore people who are together. 
  • KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Etiquette states that significant others be invited together. Rules about marrieds or engaged people only went away in the 1950s.

    Again, how does a host of an event, such as a wedding, parse "significant others"?

    Length of time together? Frequency of sexual intimacy?

    The OP need only send a decline, possibly stating that she prefers to attend social events with her boyfriend. At that point, the host may extend the invite to the boyfriend if the host truly desires the OP's presence. The OP can be miffed all she wants. She asked about the Etiquette, and I gave her the answer.

    Want to be an official couple that must be invited together? Get engaged or married.

    Don't want to be engaged or married? Then be prepared for the occasional single invite. Accept or decline as you see fit. Mention the boyfriend in the decline if you want to open the door for an amended invite.

    (Exception: same sex couples who are still prevented from legal marriage. They need to be living as if married and presenting themselves to the world as if they were married.)

    Wow....just wow. My cousin has been with his SO for 11 years. They have zero intention of ever getting legally married. That is THEIR choice. Just like others make the choice TO get married. So, should they not be invited together or should their relationship not count because they don't wear rings and have a marriage license?
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  • I wouldn't call or ask further. I feel you got your answer to the question already: it wasn't an oversight, they did not invite SOs on purpose. So at that point I'd decline, and if anyone is angry about that, you have to just shrug it off and say you simply don't think it's appropriate for you to attend social events that your SO isn't welcome at (or maybe say it nicer, I have a tendency to get pissy).
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