What is Plus-One Etiquette

bethsmiles

SingleMom31 said:

I don't agree with the bride's choice, but nobody here knows why she didn't invite dates. Maybe she legit didn't know. Or, maybe she had 20 single guests and couldn't add 20 dates, and decided that she had to do all or none. Not a guest's place to question the motivation. But, that's hardly the point. In this case, two wrongs don't make a right. So, she calls and scores an invite for her date (since really, how many people would say no when put on the spot?), what about the brides other friends who were told no and respected that? Now they're peeved. Trust me, I've been to more than one social event without FI, even when I was very clearly pregnant and we were clearly a "social unit"... She can suck it up for one night and hang out with her parents or other guests. Or, she can not go. And yes, Emily Post has long since passed. But, the same rule is in her 1920s book, Etiquette. The basic social graces haven't changed since then.

Seriously? You don't think that society and etiquette have changed since the 1920s?

I would be seriously offended if my SO of 5 years wasn't invited to a wedding with me just because we aren't engaged or married. I probably wouldn't call the couple because I don't like confrontation but I wouldn't attend the wedding either.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

AddieCake

We DO know why SOs were not invited. It's b/c the couple was only inviting couples who were married or engaged. There's no mystery here, and it's rude.

crunchymamaof2

SingleMom31 said:

I don't agree with the bride's choice, but nobody here knows why she didn't invite dates. Maybe she legit didn't know. Or, maybe she had 20 single guests and couldn't add 20 dates, and decided that she had to do all or none. Not a guest's place to question the motivation. But, that's hardly the point. In this case, two wrongs don't make a right. So, she calls and scores an invite for her date (since really, how many people would say no when put on the spot?), what about the brides other friends who were told no and respected that? Now they're peeved. Trust me, I've been to more than one social event without FI, even when I was very clearly pregnant and we were clearly a "social unit"... She can suck it up for one night and hang out with her parents or other guests. Or, she can not go. And yes, Emily Post has long since passed. But, the same rule is in her 1920s book, Etiquette. The basic social graces haven't changed since then.

You're still missing the point. This has nothing to do with single guests and plus ones. The bride would have had every right not to give single guests plus ones. SO's are not plus ones. There is no reason besides rudeness to not invite SO's. So no, she shouldn't have to suck it up because this bride was rude.

 

aurianna

SingleMom31 said:

I don't agree with the bride's choice, but nobody here knows why she didn't invite dates. Maybe she legit didn't know. Or, maybe she had 20 single guests and couldn't add 20 dates, and decided that she had to do all or none. Not a guest's place to question the motivation. But, that's hardly the point. In this case, two wrongs don't make a right. So, she calls and scores an invite for her date (since really, how many people would say no when put on the spot?), what about the brides other friends who were told no and respected that? Now they're peeved. Trust me, I've been to more than one social event without FI, even when I was very clearly pregnant and we were clearly a "social unit"... She can suck it up for one night and hang out with her parents or other guests. Or, she can not go. And yes, Emily Post has long since passed. But, the same rule is in her 1920s book, Etiquette. The basic social graces haven't changed since then.

See, having 20 single unmarried friends and not wanting to invite all of their SOs is not an excuse for being rude. Because no one holds a gun to the bride's head when she's planning. The couple could have picked a bigger venue if space were the issue, or cheaper food, cheaper attire, cheaper flowers... ALL without being rude to the guests. Cutting out those 20 significant others because the couple spent all their money in other ways, however IS rude to the guests.

Let's play a game:

The bridal party carrying wild flowers instead of lilies = not rude to guests
Splitting up social units so that bridal party can carry lilies = rude to guests

Serving the guests chicken instead of steak = not rude to guests
Not feeding your honored guest's boyfriend because steak is expensive = rude to guests

Wearing a second hand bridal gown instead of a brand new Vera Wang = not rude to guests
Making a guest get all dolled up for your wedding, and then kiss their SO goodbye as they ditch them at home for the evening = rude to guests

So while the couple could have had reasons for not inviting SOs, it does NOT mean they have valid excuses. Unless you count "planning their wedding really, really poorly" as an excuse.
And you say yourself that the other single friends might get mad about someone else getting their SO there while they did not... this should already tell you something was wrong with this situation to begin with. If you are in a situation where a wedding guest bringing her partner would upset a bunch of other guests, then clearly you were already in an unstable situation. Clearly if seeing a girlfriend at the wedding would upset these people, then they felt wronged to begin with; probably because they were wronged. If your guest list configuration is in such a way that something so small could upset 20 honored guests, clearly you messed up royally when you made that guest list.
ETA: I was misreading and thought she meant 20 unmarried but still with SOs. My bad... If the guests really were single and got upset about not having dates, then they're the ones that should "suck it up"

And as to your Emily Post comment... 1920s. You realize that was nearly 100 years ago, right? And that the dynamics of dating and courtship were significantly different?

BMoreBride6

SingleMom31 said:

I don't agree with the bride's choice, but nobody here knows why she didn't invite dates. Maybe she legit didn't know. Or, maybe she had 20 single guests and couldn't add 20 dates, and decided that she had to do all or none. Not a guest's place to question the motivation. But, that's hardly the point. In this case, two wrongs don't make a right. So, she calls and scores an invite for her date (since really, how many people would say no when put on the spot?), what about the brides other friends who were told no and respected that? Now they're peeved. Trust me, I've been to more than one social event without FI, even when I was very clearly pregnant and we were clearly a "social unit"... She can suck it up for one night and hang out with her parents or other guests. Or, she can not go. And yes, Emily Post has long since passed. But, the same rule is in her 1920s book, Etiquette. The basic social graces haven't changed since then.

Yes, in fact a lot HAS changed when it comes to society.  As others have pointed out, most people don't get married under the age of 20, go on chaperoned dates, spend a year courting than get married, etc.  In my opinion, basic social graces have become better and more accepting.  For example, interracial marriages, moving out of the parents house before marriage, having children out of wedlock, women having education and careers, etc. are all things that are socially looked at much differently than they were in the 1920's...

nicholssquared

I do have to say that what the bride chose to do could be "acceptable" (but hardly the most gracious thing to do) or completely tacky, depending on which book of etiquette you use. OP, if you're offended that this was the decision made, that really does suck and I'm sorry. However, whether or not the bride made a good or bad choice on who to include in the invitation here really shouldn't play into it to much. She is the bride, and she gets to decide who to invite. You, as the invitee, should either accept to go by yourself, or decline. Since it offends you, I would obviously recommend declining. I wouldn't recommend, however, putting the bride in a position where she has to second-guess her choice. That's also rude and manipulative. Therefore, I would skip calling her and asking her to clarify the invite/asking if she would invite your S/O, and/or mentioning your S/O as the reason for the decline. I would simply RSVP no. If she doesn't know you well enough to know that you don't live with your parents, or that you have a significant other, I doubt you will be missed. If she doesn't have the budget to pay for both you and your significant other, then you will also be saving her money by not showing. It's a win-win. But don't manipulate her into inviting your S/O - take the higher road without putting any fault on yourself.

Good luck!

StageManager14 said:

I do have to say that what the bride chose to do could be "acceptable" (but hardly the most gracious thing to do) or completely tacky, depending on which book of etiquette you use. OP, if you're offended that this was the decision made, that really does suck and I'm sorry. However, whether or not the bride made a good or bad choice on who to include in the invitation here really shouldn't play into it to much. She is the bride, and she gets to decide who to invite. You, as the invitee, should either accept to go by yourself, or decline. Since it offends you, I would obviously recommend declining. I wouldn't recommend, however, putting the bride in a position where she has to second-guess her choice. That's also rude and manipulative. Therefore, I would skip calling her and asking her to clarify the invite/asking if she would invite your S/O, and/or mentioning your S/O as the reason for the decline. I would simply RSVP no. If she doesn't know you well enough to know that you don't live with your parents, or that you have a significant other, I doubt you will be missed. If she doesn't have the budget to pay for both you and your significant other, then you will also be saving her money by not showing. It's a win-win. But don't manipulate her into inviting your S/O - take the higher road without putting any fault on yourself.

Good luck!

Personally, I would always call unless I already know that the bride purposefully made the decision to exclude H. Not because I want to manipulate the bride into allowing my H to come, but because A. Mistakes happen and as a bride, I would hate to find out that someone was missing my wedding and holding a grudge because of a simple oversight that I could have easily corrected. B. if it wasnt an oversight, I think the bride deserves at least a hint of why I won't be returning her phone calls any more.

As already stated the bride made the decision to invite FIs and DHs, but not SOs. It's obviously not a mistake, it was deliberate. Therefore, there's no point in calling - you will just make the bride feel manipulated and awkward. OP doesn't owe the bride an explanation of why she's not coming. What the bride did may be construed as tacky, but I really stand by my position that it is equally tacky to call the bride out. Simply decline the invitation with grace, if it so bothers you. If the Bride feels so inclined as to ask about the decline, then it would be appropriate to mention it graciously.

nicholssquared

I do have to say that what the bride chose to do could be "acceptable" (but hardly the most gracious thing to do) or completely tacky, depending on which book of etiquette you use. OP, if you're offended that this was the decision made, that really does suck and I'm sorry. However, whether or not the bride made a good or bad choice on who to include in the invitation here really shouldn't play into it to much. She is the bride, and she gets to decide who to invite. You, as the invitee, should either accept to go by yourself, or decline. Since it offends you, I would obviously recommend declining. I wouldn't recommend, however, putting the bride in a position where she has to second-guess her choice. That's also rude and manipulative. Therefore, I would skip calling her and asking her to clarify the invite/asking if she would invite your S/O, and/or mentioning your S/O as the reason for the decline. I would simply RSVP no. If she doesn't know you well enough to know that you don't live with your parents, or that you have a significant other, I doubt you will be missed. If she doesn't have the budget to pay for both you and your significant other, then you will also be saving her money by not showing. It's a win-win. But don't manipulate her into inviting your S/O - take the higher road without putting any fault on yourself.

Good luck!

StageManager14 said:

I do have to say that what the bride chose to do could be "acceptable" (but hardly the most gracious thing to do) or completely tacky, depending on which book of etiquette you use. OP, if you're offended that this was the decision made, that really does suck and I'm sorry. However, whether or not the bride made a good or bad choice on who to include in the invitation here really shouldn't play into it to much. She is the bride, and she gets to decide who to invite. You, as the invitee, should either accept to go by yourself, or decline. Since it offends you, I would obviously recommend declining. I wouldn't recommend, however, putting the bride in a position where she has to second-guess her choice. That's also rude and manipulative. Therefore, I would skip calling her and asking her to clarify the invite/asking if she would invite your S/O, and/or mentioning your S/O as the reason for the decline. I would simply RSVP no. If she doesn't know you well enough to know that you don't live with your parents, or that you have a significant other, I doubt you will be missed. If she doesn't have the budget to pay for both you and your significant other, then you will also be saving her money by not showing. It's a win-win. But don't manipulate her into inviting your S/O - take the higher road without putting any fault on yourself.

Good luck!

Personally, I would always call unless I already know that the bride purposefully made the decision to exclude H. Not because I want to manipulate the bride into allowing my H to come, but because A. Mistakes happen and as a bride, I would hate to find out that someone was missing my wedding and holding a grudge because of a simple oversight that I could have easily corrected. B. if it wasnt an oversight, I think the bride deserves at least a hint of why I won't be returning her phone calls any more.

As already stated the bride made the decision to invite FIs and DHs, but not SOs. It's obviously not a mistake, it was deliberate. Therefore, there's no point in calling - you will just make the bride feel manipulated and awkward. OP doesn't owe the bride an explanation of why she's not coming. What the bride did may be construed as tacky, but I really stand by my position that it is equally tacky to call the bride out. Simply decline the invitation with grace, if it so bothers you. If the Bride feels so inclined as to ask about the decline, then it would be appropriate to mention it graciously.

nicholssquared

StageManager14 said:

@nicholssquared, actually, OP heard this through someone else, not directly from the bride. But even if the facts are correct, the second reason I listed for calling still stands. For me, this would be a relationship ender, and I would let the bride know. It's not about manipulation, it's about honesty and confronting a direct insult.

I have to respectfully disagree. It doesn't seem like the Bride and her cousin are close. If they are, the Bride will likely ask, in which case it would be appropriate to respectfully mention the offense. Otherwise, it's not like they speak much anyway, so why address the issue as a "relationship ender" - there isn't much of a relationship to begin with. It will just come across as OP throwing a tantrum. Which is fine, if that's how OP wants to appear, but it would look much more mature and gracious on her part to just let it go.

Thanks for the feedback, though!

nicholssquared

StageManager14 said:

@nicholssquared, actually, OP heard this through someone else, not directly from the bride. But even if the facts are correct, the second reason I listed for calling still stands. For me, this would be a relationship ender, and I would let the bride know. It's not about manipulation, it's about honesty and confronting a direct insult.

I have to respectfully disagree. It doesn't seem like the Bride and her cousin are close. If they are, the Bride will likely ask, in which case it would be appropriate to respectfully mention the offense. Otherwise, it's not like they speak much anyway, so why address the issue as a "relationship ender" - there isn't much of a relationship to begin with. It will just come across as OP throwing a tantrum. Which is fine, if that's how OP wants to appear, but it would look much more mature and gracious on her part to just let it go.

Thanks for the feedback, though!

SingleMom31

This still has to do with guest etiquette, not wedding invite etiquette. Whether the bride should have included this SO is irrelevant to the OP's question. OP is an invited guest. When one receives an invitation, they can accept or decline. Those are the only two choices. "Yes, but I'll also be being this uninvited guest," "No, because I won't attend without this uninvited guest, unless you'd like to invite him too, then yes," etc. aren't on response cards for a reason - they aren't acceptable responses. If she's so offended, just decline.

AddieCake

SingleMom31 said:

This still has to do with guest etiquette, not wedding invite etiquette. Whether the bride should have included this SO is irrelevant to the OP's question. OP is an invited guest. When one receives an invitation, they can accept or decline. Those are the only two choices. "Yes, but I'll also be being this uninvited guest," "No, because I won't attend without this uninvited guest, unless you'd like to invite him too, then yes," etc. aren't on response cards for a reason - they aren't acceptable responses. If she's so offended, just decline.

You don't think that sometimes people need to be called out on their rude behavior? It's often b/c nobody calls them out they do rude things. 

Simply Fated

I still maintain that, while it isn't the case this time, there is the possibility in other situations that it really is a mistake or oversight. I don't see the harm in asking if there is a possibility that there was just a simple misunderstanding. It doesn't go against ettiquette to attempt to clear up confusion.

In the OP's case, calling the bride won't benefit the OP, other than being told over the phone that she can't bring her SO. Or the bride would feel cornered and the OP would score a "reluctant invite" or what ever for her SO.

It's totally up to the OP what she wants to do. Personally, if she isn't that close to the cousin, I'd make sure to be super busy that weekend and decline. Or she could go and hang out with family and make the best of it. There really is no way for the OP to have a win-win situation, which really sucks and makes me hate the whole gray areas of significant other invites even more.

nicholssquared

SingleMom31 said:

This still has to do with guest etiquette, not wedding invite etiquette. Whether the bride should have included this SO is irrelevant to the OP's question. OP is an invited guest. When one receives an invitation, they can accept or decline. Those are the only two choices. "Yes, but I'll also be being this uninvited guest," "No, because I won't attend without this uninvited guest, unless you'd like to invite him too, then yes," etc. aren't on response cards for a reason - they aren't acceptable responses. If she's so offended, just decline.

You don't think that sometimes people need to be called out on their rude behavior? It's often b/c nobody calls them out they do rude things.

Actually, no, I don't think it's okay. The basic principle here is, "two wrongs don't make a right." Maybe the bride made that decision because she couldn't afford more guests (IMO, you cut your guest list so that those truly important to you can being their SOs and more thoroughly enjoy the celebration, but obviously this is not what she chose to do). Calling her up and saying, "You really insulted me," is tantamount to saying, "I'm not appreciative of the fact that you chose to invite me at all." That's also petty, rude and tacky. If the OP simply declines, it sends the message, "I'm sorry I was unable to come to your wedding," and leaves it at that. It's gracious, cordial, and leaves OP 100% in the right without any doubt. Ultimately, if OP cares more about letting the bride know she was offended than her own etiquette, that's her decision, but it's only fair to warn her that that wouldn't be an appropriate response.

Did you see the article about the brides that received the cheap gift basket in Canada? Yeah, it wasn't really an appropriate gift for a wedding, but it was a gift nonetheless. When the brides called the guests out on their cheap gift, they were even more in the wrong than the guests, because it is so much more rude to say, "I am completely unappreciative of you and your gift" than the inappropriate gift was in the first place. In this situation, the invitation is also a gift. She didn't have to extend the invitation at all. It may have been an inappropriate gift, but it was still a gift. Hopefully this analogy will cast more light on my position.

AddieCake

Even more in the wrong than the guests? The guests were not in the wrong at all in that scenario. The ONLY inappropriate behavior came from the couple, so saying " 2 wrongs don't make a right" makes no sense. Also, as I said before, there is no mystery about why OPs bride didn't invite SOs. I don't know why anyone keeps saying "We don't know why.....maybe this.....maybe that..." I don't think OP should call,either, but I do understand some people's perspective that she should let her know why she is declining.

nicholssquared

Again, to each his own. If that's what OP chooses to do, then that's her decision. However, if I were in this situation, I would want to make sure that I did everything I could to do right by the bride who offended me. It's more important to me to rise above than to punish the bride with a phone call that would make her uncomfortable in her time of celebration, regardless of whether or not I thought she deserved it. Mainly because that makes me look bad, too. As the injured party, it's a solid defense to make yourself in the right so nobody can come back and say that you deserved the original injustice.

And slightly off topic, about that gifting situation. If I had received that gift, I would have giggled a little bit, but I would have sent a gracious thank you note nonetheless, because in that instance, it's not really about your opinion of the gift, it's how you handle it. Bashing me for my analysis of that situation isn't really contributing to this conversation. Ironically, the same applies here. It's not what you really think of the invitation - it's how you handle it.

nicholssquared

Haha, me too! Actually my signature on the bump accurately displays my child's ages and tickers, but I just can't seem to get it to work on here without it deleting my bump signature. You're welcome to see it by checking out my other posts: http://www.thebump.com/profiles/nicholssquared/community/forumposts/Index

Being 91 weeks pregnant would be incredibly uncomfortable.

@Stage: I'm not upset at all! Sorry if my post come across badly. I do see some flaws in the analogy, now that you've pointed them out. However, it really doesn't change my opinion on the issue. Decline to go to the wedding, but the bride decides who to invite, no matter how deluded it is, and just because she made a bad decision, OP doesn't owe her an explanation unless she asks. 

SingleMom31

Okay, let's talk about my upcoming wedding as an example. We welcomed a baby girl in Dec and for a whole host of reasons, decided to get married this year, rather than waiting. Being older without parents to contribute, having a newborn and daycare bills, and currently having two mortgages, and not willing to pay for the wedding with credit, we're opting for a small wedding out of necessity. We have opted not to spend money on certain traditional things, including an engagement ring for me, and have cut the guest list as much as possible.

So, we invited married, engaged, and those couples that have been together long enough that everyone sees them as being married (like FMIL who's been with her SO for 20 years). And then we had to draw the line. One of the affected people is a very very good friend, who is seeing someone though not for long, they're periodically staying over together, and I know she would have liked to bring him to meet me. My other choice was not to invite HER. There was no more money, no reasonable places to cut, or room at the venue. Given the situation, it's a reasonable decision. After all, as Miss Manners pointed out, this is a wedding, not a prom where you can't have fun without a date.

Fast forward, said friend calls and asks for another invite. I felt like I had to get into the finances, etc. with her to justify not inviting the guy. And honestly, I was a bit embarrassed to have to get into it since our finances aren't for public knowledge. She's a good enough friend to understand once I explained it all, come anyway, and be a gracious guest. But, really, why is it necessary to do that? Obviously, I made the choice for a reason... Be a gracious guest and accept or decline, your choice.

SingleMom31

Liatris2010 said:

SingleMom31 said:

This still has to do with guest etiquette, not wedding invite etiquette. Whether the bride should have included this SO is irrelevant to the OP's question. OP is an invited guest. When one receives an invitation, they can accept or decline. Those are the only two choices. "Yes, but I'll also be being this uninvited guest," "No, because I won't attend without this uninvited guest, unless you'd like to invite him too, then yes," etc. aren't on response cards for a reason - they aren't acceptable responses. If she's so offended, just decline.

I have to wholeheartedly disagree. If I am making an error, by excluding your SO, not offering a gluten-free meal, or whatever else it takes for me to host you correctly, I want to know, so I can fix it and you can have a good time.


Having a reasonably accommodated food allergy is completely different. This is more like being invited to a fish fry and asking that I also provide you with chicken since you like it more.

nicholssquared

Liatris2010 said:

SingleMom31 said:

This still has to do with guest etiquette, not wedding invite etiquette. Whether the bride should have included this SO is irrelevant to the OP's question. OP is an invited guest. When one receives an invitation, they can accept or decline. Those are the only two choices. "Yes, but I'll also be being this uninvited guest," "No, because I won't attend without this uninvited guest, unless you'd like to invite him too, then yes," etc. aren't on response cards for a reason - they aren't acceptable responses. If she's so offended, just decline.

I have to wholeheartedly disagree. If I am making an error, by excluding your SO, not offering a gluten-free meal, or whatever else it takes for me to host you correctly, I want to know, so I can fix it and you can have a good time.

This is assuming that there has been some oversight, which it doesn't seem to be the case. OP has heard that the exclusion was deliberate. I guess one could discredit the source and inquire, but I don't know if I would go that far. It had potential to get awkward and tacky. I personally would just decline, but I can see your point as well.

Also, offering the right choice of food options is a little different than the guest list. A host has a responsibility to accommodate health-related needs. However, she can invite whomever she chooses, regardless of whether she's accommodating everyone approprately or not. In both instances, a guest has a right to respectfully decline if their needs aren't being met properly.

nicholssquared

Edited - double-post

KDM323

SingleMom31 said:

Okay, let's talk about my upcoming wedding as an example. We welcomed a baby girl in Dec and for a whole host of reasons, decided to get married this year, rather than waiting. Being older without parents to contribute, having a newborn and daycare bills, and currently having two mortgages, and not willing to pay for the wedding with credit, we're opting for a small wedding out of necessity. We have opted not to spend money on certain traditional things, including an engagement ring for me, and have cut the guest list as much as possible. So, we invited married, engaged, and those couples that have been together long enough that everyone sees them as being married (like FMIL who's been with her SO for 20 years). And then we had to draw the line. One of the affected people is a very very good friend, who is seeing someone though not for long, they're periodically staying over together, and I know she would have liked to bring him to meet me. My other choice was not to invite HER. There was no more money, no reasonable places to cut, or room at the venue. Given the situation, it's a reasonable decision. After all, as Miss Manners pointed out, this is a wedding, not a prom where you can't have fun without a date. Fast forward, said friend calls and asks for another invite. I felt like I had to get into the finances, etc. with her to justify not inviting the guy. And honestly, I was a bit embarrassed to have to get into it since our finances aren't for public knowledge. She's a good enough friend to understand once I explained it all, come anyway, and be a gracious guest. But, really, why is it necessary to do that? Obviously, I made the choice for a reason... Be a gracious guest and accept or decline, your choice.

Actually...there likely were other choices.

You could have had your wedding in the morning or afternoon and hosted a reception with cake/punch for more people.

You could have waited longer to have your wedding and hence, saved more money to be able to properly host your guests at a reception.

You could have gotten married at the JOP and not had any guests.

If lacks of funds for your wedding is causing you to impact a "very very good friend" because you can't properly host...then odds are you are having a larger and more expensive reception than you can truly afford.

scowie15

I'm going to put in my two cents. 

A. weddings are crazy expensive.  There have to be arbitrary lines drawn somewhere.  Someone is not going to get invited.

B.  You are neither married nor engaged and you have only lived with your BF for a couple months it looks like.  Your cousin may have many other friends and family members with spouses, etc. whom she had to invite for etiquette reasons.  

C.  To me it is more rude of you to request to bring your guy than to just go with your folks to the wedding and celebrate HER day.  Your family was invited.  It's not as if you would be going to this wedding and knowing no one there.  Show some love and respect for her on this day and she will hopefully do the same for you on yours.  

SingleMom31

Wow, I think some have lost their prospective on what a wedding is. It's a celebration of our wedding, and inviting guests to share it. The friend in question would have been hurt to not be invited, and would have come to a JOP ceremony without any promise of reception.

That said, what is the more inconsiderate plan: Not inviting her at all and her being hurt (she was in the delivery room with us if you want to talk about close, so don't see it not hurting her)? Inviting her to travel across 6 states to only give her punch and cake? Moving the wedding to Sat morning and requiring her to take Friday off too to fly in? Or explaining to her the reality of my budget and that we can't accommodate another person but that I didn't want to exclude her, and having her spend 5 minutes reassuring me that it was perfectly fine and her apologizing for even asking?

I picked the best of bad options, and one that no etiquette authority would fault.

KDM323

SingleMom31 said:

Okay, let's talk about my upcoming wedding as an example. We welcomed a baby girl in Dec and for a whole host of reasons, decided to get married this year, rather than waiting. Being older without parents to contribute, having a newborn and daycare bills, and currently having two mortgages, and not willing to pay for the wedding with credit, we're opting for a small wedding out of necessity. We have opted not to spend money on certain traditional things, including an engagement ring for me, and have cut the guest list as much as possible. So, we invited married, engaged, and those couples that have been together long enough that everyone sees them as being married (like FMIL who's been with her SO for 20 years). And then we had to draw the line. One of the affected people is a very very good friend, who is seeing someone though not for long, they're periodically staying over together, and I know she would have liked to bring him to meet me. My other choice was not to invite HER. There was no more money, no reasonable places to cut, or room at the venue. Given the situation, it's a reasonable decision. After all, as Miss Manners pointed out, this is a wedding, not a prom where you can't have fun without a date. Fast forward, said friend calls and asks for another invite. I felt like I had to get into the finances, etc. with her to justify not inviting the guy. And honestly, I was a bit embarrassed to have to get into it since our finances aren't for public knowledge. She's a good enough friend to understand once I explained it all, come anyway, and be a gracious guest. But, really, why is it necessary to do that? Obviously, I made the choice for a reason... Be a gracious guest and accept or decline, your choice.

SingleMom31 said:

Wow, I think some have lost their prospective on what a wedding is. It's a celebration of our wedding, and inviting guests to share it. The friend in question would have been hurt to not be invited, and would have come to a JOP ceremony without any promise of reception. That said, what is the more inconsiderate plan: Not inviting her at all and her being hurt (she was in the delivery room with us if you want to talk about close, so don't see it not hurting her)? Inviting her to travel across 6 states to only give her punch and cake? Moving the wedding to Sat morning and requiring her to take Friday off too to fly in? Or explaining to her the reality of my budget and that we can't accommodate another person but that I didn't want to exclude her, and having her spend 5 minutes reassuring me that it was perfectly fine and her apologizing for even asking? I picked the best of bad options, and one that no etiquette authority would fault.

No.  A wedding is when two people get married.  I don't think anyone has lost sight of that. 

The moment you chose to have a wedding and invite guests - it became your obligation to properly host your guests (and that includes inviting their significant others)

You could have very easily gotten married at a JOP and not involved guests.
You could have waited longer and been able to properly host ALL of your guests.
You could have had a smaller guest list and properly hosted ALL guests.
You could have had a less expensive wedding reception (not at a meal time) and properly hosted all guests.


But, you've chosen - for reasons that benefit you  - to have a wedding, with guests, this year.  And in such, you are choosing to break etiquette by not inviting  both halves of couples because you can't afford to properly host and accommodate them.


There were other options that did not require you to broach etiquette.  You've just chosen not to do things that way.

ETA: fix quotes

SingleMom31

That's the part that you're missing.  There is no breach of etiquette in the first place.  I dare you to find a single source that says that I have to invite every one with a date.  Established couples, yes; dates, no.  Now, where you draw that line is a matter of personal opinion, but the person that she's been dating for a month doesn't meet the definition in my book when would mean un-inviting someone else.

The Knot's etiquette expert says that I'm fine: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

Miss Manners agrees: http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/feb/16/follow-protocol-when-inviting-guest-of-guest/

Emily Post is up there too: http://www.emilypost.com/guests

And, really, "You're a great enough friend to be there when my daughter is born, but we can't afford to invite you because I can't afford your date, so we just won't invite you at all."  Wow, glad that I'm not your friend.  Perhaps once you have a family, you'll gain a little prospective on what's truly important.

bethsmiles

SingleMom31 said:

That's the part that you're missing.  There is no breach of etiquette in the first place.  I dare you to find a single source that says that I have to invite every one with a date.  Established couples, yes; dates, no.  Now, where you draw that line is a matter of personal opinion, but the person that she's been dating for a month doesn't meet the definition in my book when would mean un-inviting someone else.

The Knot's etiquette expert says that I'm fine: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

Miss Manners agrees: http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/feb/16/follow-protocol-when-inviting-guest-of-guest/

Emily Post is up there too: http://www.emilypost.com/guests

And, really, "You're a great enough friend to be there when my daughter is born, but we can't afford to invite you because I can't afford your date, so we just won't invite you at all."  Wow, glad that I'm not your friend.  Perhaps once you have a family, you'll gain a little prospective on what's truly important.

No one is saying you have to give everyone a plus one, they are saying that if a couple considers themselves a couple it is not your place to dictate otherwise so you have to invite them both...why is that so hard to understand.

AddieCake

Well, if The Knot's etiquette expert says it, it must be true. They can't put anything on the Internet that isn't true.

nicholssquared

SingleMom31 said:

That's the part that you're missing.  There is no breach of etiquette in the first place.  I dare you to find a single source that says that I have to invite every one with a date.  Established couples, yes; dates, no.  Now, where you draw that line is a matter of personal opinion, but the person that she's been dating for a month doesn't meet the definition in my book when would mean un-inviting someone else.

The Knot's etiquette expert says that I'm fine: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

Miss Manners agrees: http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/feb/16/follow-protocol-when-inviting-guest-of-guest/

Emily Post is up there too: http://www.emilypost.com/guests

And, really, "You're a great enough friend to be there when my daughter is born, but we can't afford to invite you because I can't afford your date, so we just won't invite you at all."  Wow, glad that I'm not your friend.  Perhaps once you have a family, you'll gain a little prospective on what's truly important.

No one is saying you have to give everyone a plus one, they are saying that if a couple considers themselves a couple it is not your place to dictate otherwise so you have to invite them both...why is that so hard to understand.

Actually... (from the second link):

This is not the same as being expected to surrender control of a guest list to the guests themselves, with the result that the bridal couple may have no idea who will be showing up to attend this momentous event in their lives.

As a strictly optional choice, if they are feeling generous, they can certainly ask their unattached guests if there is someone they would like to bring, extract that person’s name and use it to issue another invitation. The considerate way to do this is individually, so that no guest feels pressured to bring a date or embarrassed about suggesting a nondate, such as a friend, local host or caretaker.

This reads to me "optional, non obligatory" and "The bride gets to decide who comes, not the guests." I actually think the conclusion Singlemom came to is more apparent.

And if it was just one etiquette source, you may have a point, but we have three "experts" agreeing here. Feel free to go against the grain, that's totally your right and nobody's stopping you. But it's only fair to inform that it is, in fact, a fax-pas. The OP who was inquiring about this deserves to go into this situation informed of all the different interpretations, not just one.

KDM323

@SingleMom31...not quite sure what the "Perhaps once you have a family" remark has to do with etiquette...other than showing that you've made an ASSUMPTION about me. Just like you have ASSUMED that your friend's relationship isn't established or important enough for an invite simply based upon its duration.

You don't know me, you don't know my family situation.

This is why most people here will tell you not to ASSUME whose relationship is/isn't significant...you can offend your guests just as easily as you offend people on the Internet.