What is Plus-One Etiquette

banana468

So singlemom, what you're saying is that after 1 mo, it doesn't qualify as a relationship?

I knew DH for 5 years before we started dating.   We didn't go into it lightly and once we identified ourselves as a couple, we didn't look back.   Another member here knew she was going to be married to her now husband after less than one month.

You're not honoring those in relationships so why can you expect them to not question your judgement on the day that you legally bind yourself in your relationship?    A SO isn't a "plus one".   My husband was way more than "a date" once we began dating.   For you to think otherwise means that everything all the posters are telling you doesn't matter.   You're never going to understand. 

aurianna

Why does anyone ask etiquette advice? Because they don't want to offend their guests.
We are telling you: not inviting certain social units together because they haven't been together for some arbitrary timeline you've magically pulled out of nowhere, is going to offend your guests.

If it will offend your guests, then odds are it isn't proper etiquette despite what various wedding industry biased interwebs sites say.

I invited a couple to my wedding that had only been together for two months. Two years later, they are still together.
One of the married couples we invited? Divorced after a year.

If a guest says they are in a relationship, it's incredibly insulting for you, as an outsider, to tell them their SO isn't important enough to feed because you don't think they've been together long enough to be serious. That sort of judgement is RUDE, and ergo against etiquette.

Hide behind bad articles if you want, but if you really thinking about the message you are sending (Spending our money on on material things is more important than properly hosting each guest by letting them bring the person [s]he loves on the day we're supposed to be celebrating love), you must realize it's just not nice.

Your guest would have the CHOICE if they want to take off work for your Saturday morning wedding. Your guest would have the CHOICE if she wants to travel for cake. And she'd get to make that choice with her boyfriend by her side.

Seriously... you said this girl was in your delivery room with you... and you won't let her bring her most important person, while other guests will, because she doesn't have a piece of jewelry on her finger yet? Not the way to treat such a close friend.

NYCBruin

So to the people that use the archaic "no ring no bring" rule to justify wanting to spend more money on things than people, I have a question:

How much of an asshat would you feel like if you invited only one half of a social unit and they got engaged the day you mailed your invitations?

aurianna

NYCBruin said:

So to the people that use the archaic "no ring no bring" rule to justify wanting to spend more money on things than people, I have a question:

How much of an asshat would you feel like if you invited only one half of a social unit and they got engaged the day you mailed your invitations?

<Sarcasm>
Don't be silly. If they aren't already living together or haven't been together at least a year, there's no way they're established enough to get engaged.
</Sarcasm>

AddieCake

aurianna said:

NYCBruin said:

So to the people that use the archaic "no ring no bring" rule to justify wanting to spend more money on things than people, I have a question:

How much of an asshat would you feel like if you invited only one half of a social unit and they got engaged the day you mailed your invitations?

Don't be silly. If they aren't already living together or haven't been together at least a year, there's no way they're established enough to get engaged.

Really? My cousin got engaged to a man a month after meeting him. They've been married for 7 years. ETA: Or was that intended sarcastically? I've had a headache all day and not reading very well.

aurianna

AddieL73 said:

Really? My cousin got engaged to a man a month after meeting him. They've been married for 7 years. ETA: Or was that intended sarcastically? I've had a headache all day and not reading very well.

I added some markup for you.

SingleMom31

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, as I sense it's the difference between those that grew up with social graces and those that didn't.

For me, even about to get married myself, I'd gladly take an invite to a friend's wedding sans my fiancé (or husband if its longer than 8 weeks out) to be able to share that friend's joy and to do everything possible to give her the special day that SHE envisions. It's her wedding after all. If you can't see that and just see it as being all about you, the invited guest, then honestly I maintain that it's best to just decline invitations since you're probably attending for the wrong reasons anyway.

As a side note, I shared this thread with the friend in question for the sheer ridiculousness of it. She is even horrified for the arguments that others are making, and agrees that no rule of etiquette mandates his being invited. She just wanted a plane buddy and an excuse for a weekend away, and totally understands that we have other financial commitments (mortgage, daycare, savings, etc). Guest happy, bride happy... Good day.

aurianna

SingleMom31 said:

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, as I sense it's the difference between those that grew up with social graces and those that didn't. For me, even about to get married myself, I'd gladly take an invite to a friend's wedding sans my fiancé (or husband if its longer than 8 weeks out) to be able to share that friend's joy and to do everything possible to give her the special day that SHE envisions. It's her wedding after all. If you can't see that and just see it as being all about you, the invited guest, then honestly I maintain that it's best to just decline invitations since you're probably attending for the wrong reasons anyway. As a side note, I shared this thread with the friend in question for the sheer ridiculousness of it. She is even horrified for the arguments that others are making, and agrees that no rule of etiquette mandates his being invited. She just wanted a plane buddy and an excuse for a weekend away, and totally understands that we have other financial commitments (mortgage, daycare, savings, etc). Guest happy, bride happy... Good day.

If she were a true friend she wouldn't make you make that decision.
The wedding stops being just about the bride and groom the second they start inviting guests.
If you really think it's more important for the bride to have whatever flowers and crap she envisioned than to make one's honored guests as comfortable as possible by allowing them to attend with their SO, then you are beyond help and beyond selfish.

snoopycac

Can I add in ... I am getting married this coming Jan, AND have a 6 month old daughter. I pay for daycare, we are saving for a house, saving for her college, and planning a wedding while STILL inviting all of the SO's of our friends and family. Instead of cutting the guest list, we are having an evening wedding (no meal) and I am doing a lot of the decorating myself, not to mention I found my dress at a Goodwill. It is possible to pay for a life and a wedding at the same time. You just have to be smart about it and know what is important.

NYCBruin

snoopycac said:

Can I add in ... I am getting married this coming Jan, AND have a 6 month old daughter. I pay for daycare, we are saving for a house, saving for her college, and planning a wedding while STILL inviting all of the SO's of our friends and family. Instead of cutting the guest list, we are having an evening wedding (no meal) and I am doing a lot of the decorating myself, not to mention I found my dress at a Goodwill. It is possible to pay for a life and a wedding at the same time. You just have to be smart about it and know what is important.

Can you post this every time someone blames their "budget" for doing something rude?

BMoreBride6

@Singlemom31, just to clarify, what is your stance on the etiquette of SO's being invited?  Is it your opinion that true etiquette only states that engaged or married couples be invited together? 

SingleMom31

BMoreBride6 said:

@Singlemom31, just to clarify, what is your stance on the etiquette of SO's being invited?  Is it your opinion that true etiquette only states that engaged or married couples be invited together? 

Married and engaged couples generally get invited without question. For those that are between their first date and getting engaged, it's always gracious to invite them with guests, but not strictly mandatory. That's where judgment comes into play - if two dates a couple? Five? 3 months? 6 months? Living together? Practically married, just not legally? The long time friend with benefits, but that's not even FB official for a reason? Yes, it's a tricky judgment call, but not a breach of etiquette to make that.

Now, as for how I could be invited without husband - I could see a similar case to this happening with my office. http://m.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/invite-group-without-guests.aspx We work with a core group of 10 people - 10 becomes 20 at an adults only wedding and 31 if families with kids are invited. 20 or 31 could be budget breaking for the staff people that are starting out, fresh out of school and only making $50K. I get that weddings are expensive. If she invited all 10 and didn't invite my fiancé, I wouldn't hold it against her.

AddieCake

SingleMom31 said:

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one, as I sense it's the difference between those that grew up with social graces and those that didn't. For me, even about to get married myself, I'd gladly take an invite to a friend's wedding sans my fiancé (or husband if its longer than 8 weeks out) to be able to share that friend's joy and to do everything possible to give her the special day that SHE envisions. It's her wedding after all. If you can't see that and just see it as being all about you, the invited guest, then honestly I maintain that it's best to just decline invitations since you're probably attending for the wrong reasons anyway. As a side note, I shared this thread with the friend in question for the sheer ridiculousness of it. She is even horrified for the arguments that others are making, and agrees that no rule of etiquette mandates his being invited. She just wanted a plane buddy and an excuse for a weekend away, and totally understands that we have other financial commitments (mortgage, daycare, savings, etc). Guest happy, bride happy... Good day.

No, no RULE of etiquette mandates he be required to attend. Nobody is disputing that. Nobody is disputing that etiquette books and sources will say he doesn't HAVE to be invited. But the fact that you can't see that it's the RIGHT THING TO DO, THE POLITE THING TO DO baffles me. It's b/c I DID grow up with social graces that I can plainly see that. 

ETA: @aurianna  Thank you and apologies for my sarcasm comprehension fail! 

freebread03

SingleMom31 said:

Okay, let's talk about my upcoming wedding as an example. We welcomed a baby girl in Dec and for a whole host of reasons, decided to get married this year, rather than waiting. Being older without parents to contribute, having a newborn and daycare bills, and currently having two mortgages, and not willing to pay for the wedding with credit, we're opting for a small wedding out of necessity. We have opted not to spend money on certain traditional things, including an engagement ring for me, and have cut the guest list as much as possible. So, we invited married, engaged, and those couples that have been together long enough that everyone sees them as being married (like FMIL who's been with her SO for 20 years). And then we had to draw the line. One of the affected people is a very very good friend, who is seeing someone though not for long, they're periodically staying over together, and I know she would have liked to bring him to meet me. My other choice was not to invite HER. There was no more money, no reasonable places to cut, or room at the venue. Given the situation, it's a reasonable decision. After all, as Miss Manners pointed out, this is a wedding, not a prom where you can't have fun without a date. Fast forward, said friend calls and asks for another invite. I felt like I had to get into the finances, etc. with her to justify not inviting the guy. And honestly, I was a bit embarrassed to have to get into it since our finances aren't for public knowledge. She's a good enough friend to understand once I explained it all, come anyway, and be a gracious guest. But, really, why is it necessary to do that? Obviously, I made the choice for a reason... Be a gracious guest and accept or decline, your choice.

That must have been really embarrassing for you to have to admit that you breached etiquette by not inviting her significant other.  It's always hard to admit that you did something wrong to those that are close to you, and unfortunately, it sounds like you couldn't admit that to her, rather used a range of excuses for not inviting her with her significant other.  She sounds like a wonderful friend by still accepting the invite graciously.  I'm sure she'll abide by better etiquette than you though, in the future, and invite you to events with your husband.

freebread03

Wow, I think some have lost their prospective on what a wedding is. It's a celebration of our wedding, and inviting guests to share it. The friend in question would have been hurt to not be invited, and would have come to a JOP ceremony without any promise of reception. That said, what is the more inconsiderate plan: Not inviting her at all and her being hurt (she was in the delivery room with us if you want to talk about close, so don't see it not hurting her)? Inviting her to travel across 6 states to only give her punch and cake? Moving the wedding to Sat morning and requiring her to take Friday off too to fly in? Or explaining to her the reality of my budget and that we can't accommodate another person but that I didn't want to exclude her, and having her spend 5 minutes reassuring me that it was perfectly fine and her apologizing for even asking? I picked the best of bad options, and one that no etiquette authority would fault.

And you expected her to travel across SIX STATES by herself?  Sheesh, you're really a piece of work.

southernbelle0915

SingleMom31 said:

Okay, let's talk about my upcoming wedding as an example. We welcomed a baby girl in Dec and for a whole host of reasons, decided to get married this year, rather than waiting. Being older without parents to contribute, having a newborn and daycare bills, and currently having two mortgages, and not willing to pay for the wedding with credit, we're opting for a small wedding out of necessity. We have opted not to spend money on certain traditional things, including an engagement ring for me, and have cut the guest list as much as possible. So, we invited married, engaged, and those couples that have been together long enough that everyone sees them as being married (like FMIL who's been with her SO for 20 years). And then we had to draw the line. One of the affected people is a very very good friend, who is seeing someone though not for long, they're periodically staying over together, and I know she would have liked to bring him to meet me. My other choice was not to invite HER. There was no more money, no reasonable places to cut, or room at the venue. Given the situation, it's a reasonable decision. After all, as Miss Manners pointed out, this is a wedding, not a prom where you can't have fun without a date. Fast forward, said friend calls and asks for another invite. I felt like I had to get into the finances, etc. with her to justify not inviting the guy. And honestly, I was a bit embarrassed to have to get into it since our finances aren't for public knowledge. She's a good enough friend to understand once I explained it all, come anyway, and be a gracious guest. But, really, why is it necessary to do that? Obviously, I made the choice for a reason... Be a gracious guest and accept or decline, your choice.

Whatever your reasons were for getting married now instead of waiting, whatever the reasons for your budget, it does not warrant a free pass to treat your friend this way.

I feel very sorry for your friend if you gave her this ultimatum "be a gracious guest and accept or decline, your choice." It sounds like she wanted to use this as an opportunity to take this guy across 6 states to meet you - obviously he's very important to her and you meeting him is also very important to her. I cannot fathom that you would not make room for the SO of your friend who watched you deliver your child. I hope you apologize to her.

BMoreBride6

SingleMom31 said:

@Singlemom31, just to clarify, what is your stance on the etiquette of SO's being invited?  Is it your opinion that true etiquette only states that engaged or married couples be invited together? 

Married and engaged couples generally get invited without question. For those that are between their first date and getting engaged, it's always gracious to invite them with guests, but not strictly mandatory. That's where judgment comes into play - if two dates a couple? Five? 3 months? 6 months? Living together? Practically married, just not legally? The long time friend with benefits, but that's not even FB official for a reason? Yes, it's a tricky judgment call, but not a breach of etiquette to make that. Now, as for how I could be invited without husband - I could see a similar case to this happening with my office. http://m.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/invite-group-without-guests.aspx We work with a core group of 10 people - 10 becomes 20 at an adults only wedding and 31 if families with kids are invited. 20 or 31 could be budget breaking for the staff people that are starting out, fresh out of school and only making $50K. I get that weddings are expensive. If she invited all 10 and didn't invite my fiancé, I wouldn't hold it against her.

My fiancé and I both make less than "only $50K"...I found that rather insulting...

crunchymamaof2

@Singlemom31 are you really going to let $75 (or whatever number) get in the way of your friendship? Because you're basically saying she's not worth that much to you if you can't invite ONE extra person so she's comfortable and because it's the right thing to do. Skip some flowers. Skip the big cake. Scale back the bar (unless...you're having a cash bar in which there are many, many things wrong with this situation). There are plenty of things you can do to add ONE extra person when he should have been invited in the first place.

keochan

Me and fi only make 44k a year combined so your argument is insulting to those of us who are making sure all so's are invited. I'm still in school and working 2 jobs 65 hours a week to pay my tuition and make monthly vendor payments, I'm busy as hell and exhausted but I make it work so I can have the wedding I want and so I can treat my guests well. You chose to push up the wedding, if you couldnt afford it you should have saved or looked at other options

delujm0

I can understand your distress about the invitation going to your parents' house - that was wrong, and you should have gotten your own.  This does make me think that you and your cousin aren't especially close - otherwise she'd have your address and know where to send the invitation directly to you.  She may not be aware of the seriousness of your relationship if she doesn't even have your address.

 

That being said, yes, as a bride myself, I am allowing all of my invited guests who I know to be in relationships to bring their SOs.  However, that is the bride's choice to make.  If you are not married or engaged "technically" you are not entitled to a plus 1.  Has your cousin ever met your BF?  Maybe she just didn't feel comfortable inviting someone she doesn't know.  Maybe she has budget concerns, and needed to draw a line for her SO invitations.  I'm sure she didn't intend to upset you.

 

One of my closest friends from High School got married right after college, and made the decision to only invite SO's if they were engaged or married to the primary guests.  She drew a line.  Another friend, who went to high school AND college with the bride, AND was her college roommate, had been with her BF since Freshman year of college.  The bride knew him very well.  However, in order to be fair to the rest of the guests, he was not invited, as they were not engaged or married.  It was a little bit odd, but everyone still had a good time. 

 

We did have a friend from high school who had lived down the street from the bride for their whole lives, they were friends for 20 years, and he was so upset that his GF wasn't invited (she also went to high school with us, but the bride wasn't close with her) that he declined the invitation because of it.  He hasn't spoken to her since.  Is that how you want your relationship with your cousin to work out?  If you're so upset that your BF won't be there that you'd be willing to miss out on such an important family function, then you are free to simply decline.  I wouldn't call and ask for a plus 1.  That's kind of rude.  If your mom mentions to your aunt that you now live with your BF, maybe your cousin will offer you the extra invite.  But you shouldn't ask her for one.  Go alone, or decline the invitation.

banana468

@delujm0, what your friend did wasn't "a little bit odd" and it certainly wasn't fair. It was unforgivably rude.

What you're not getting is that many of us take the same stand as your friend's neighbor. Not inviting a SO is s public slight. If you force your friends and family to choose between their partners and you, you're going to lose.

Your friend nay have carried some beautiful flowers on her wedding day but her actions make her stink.

delujm0

banana468 said:

@delujm0, what your friend did wasn't "a little bit odd" and it certainly wasn't fair. It was unforgivably rude. What you're not getting is that many of us take the same stand as your friend's neighbor. Not inviting a SO is s public slight. If you force your friends and family to choose between their partners and you, you're going to lose. Your friend nay have carried some beautiful flowers on her wedding day but her actions make her stink.

I understand that this was not a popular decision, but the venue/budget allowed for a maximum of 60 people to be in attendance.  50 of those people were family.  It was a VERY modest wedding.  There simply would not have been room for everyone to bring a date.  Personally, I would MUCH rather get to be there to see one of my cloeset friends get married than not get an invitation because SOs would put them over their limit.    Were a couple of people annoyed?  Yes.  They were welcome to decline, and some did.  But my BF (now FI) certainly didn't care (he hadn't even met this friend yet at the time - we'd only been together 6 months, all of which were spent away at school), and I knew plenty of people that were in attendance, so I didn't feel out of place or slighted in the least.

 

My original point stands though - is the cousin even aware of this relationship?  It doesn't sound like they're close.  It could easily be that she didn't know that she had a co-habitation situation, or even a BF...I certainly don't know everything about the romantic lives of all of my cousins, who I see at a maximum once a year.  But it's not like she won't know anyone there - her whole family will be in attendance.  Personally, I'd still go, and bunk up with another single cousin or something.

banana468

The venue/budget was all a choice. They CHOSE a small venue for their budget and they CHOSE to be rude.

There are plenty of options that your friend had that would have afforded her a lovely wedding with friendships in tact to boot.

AddieCake

delujm0 said:

banana468 said:

@delujm0, what your friend did wasn't "a little bit odd" and it certainly wasn't fair. It was unforgivably rude. What you're not getting is that many of us take the same stand as your friend's neighbor. Not inviting a SO is s public slight. If you force your friends and family to choose between their partners and you, you're going to lose. Your friend nay have carried some beautiful flowers on her wedding day but her actions make her stink.

I understand that this was not a popular decision, but the venue/budget allowed for a maximum of 60 people to be in attendance.  50 of those people were family.  It was a VERY modest wedding.  There simply would not have been room for everyone to bring a date.  Personally, I would MUCH rather get to be there to see one of my cloeset friends get married than not get an invitation because SOs would put them over their limit.    Were a couple of people annoyed?  Yes.  They were welcome to decline, and some did.  But my BF (now FI) certainly didn't care (he hadn't even met this friend yet at the time - we'd only been together 6 months, all of which were spent away at school), and I knew plenty of people that were in attendance, so I didn't feel out of place or slighted in the least.

 

My original point stands though - is the cousin even aware of this relationship?  It doesn't sound like they're close.  It could easily be that she didn't know that she had a co-habitation situation, or even a BF...I certainly don't know everything about the romantic lives of all of my cousins, who I see at a maximum once a year. 

I don't know how many times this has to be pointed out. The couple chose to only invite people if they were married or engaged, so OP would not have met the asinine criteria whether the couple knew she had a boyfriend or not.  Why do people insist on offering, "Oh, maybe they didn't know...." excuses for these people?!

keochan

@banana468 Those love its are me btw. 

Pepper6

BMoreBride6 said: SingleMom31 said: @Singlemom31, just to clarify, what is your stance on the etiquette of SO's being invited?  Is it your opinion that true etiquette only states that engaged or married couples be invited together?  Married and engaged couples generally get invited without question. For those that are between their first date and getting engaged, it's always gracious to invite them with guests, but not strictly mandatory. That's where judgment comes into play - if two dates a couple? Five? 3 months? 6 months? Living together? Practically married, just not legally? The long time friend with benefits, but that's not even FB official for a reason? Yes, it's a tricky judgment call, but not a breach of etiquette to make that. Now, as for how I could be invited without husband - I could see a similar case to this happening with my office. http://m.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/invite-group-without-guests.aspx We work with a core group of 10 people - 10 becomes 20 at an adults only wedding and 31 if families with kids are invited. 20 or 31 could be budget breaking for the staff people that are starting out, fresh out of school and only making $50K. I get that weddings are expensive. If she invited all 10 and didn't invite my fiancé, I wouldn't hold it against her. My fiancé and I both make less than "only $50K"...I found that rather insulting...



Ditto.  When my sister and her H got married, their combined salary was only around $20K.  They STILL managed to invite everyone's SO.  

Being rude is a CHOICE....budget has absolutely nothing to do with it.

PrettyGirlLost

SingleMom31 said:

That's the part that you're missing.  There is no breach of etiquette in the first place.  I dare you to find a single source that says that I have to invite every one with a date.  Established couples, yes; dates, no.  Now, where you draw that line is a matter of personal opinion, but the person that she's been dating for a month doesn't meet the definition in my book when would mean un-inviting someone else.

The Knot's etiquette expert says that I'm fine: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

Miss Manners agrees: http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/feb/16/follow-protocol-when-inviting-guest-of-guest/

Emily Post is up there too: http://www.emilypost.com/guests

And, really, "You're a great enough friend to be there when my daughter is born, but we can't afford to invite you because I can't afford your date, so we just won't invite you at all."  Wow, glad that I'm not your friend.  Perhaps once you have a family, you'll gain a little prospective on what's truly important.

Oh Lord, not this drivel again?  Where exactly are you trying to go with this?  Are you implying that since @drexelkathy doesn't have kids she doesn't know what is important in life?  I don't know whether or not she has kids, btw.

SingleMom31- if this woman is so important to you that she was present at the birth of your child, then she should be important enough to you to honor her relationship by inviting her freaking SO!  You could have cut a number of costs to accommodate this man/woman- flowers, cake, decor, photography, etc.

Life is about priorities and choices. . . don't act like you made the choice to prioritize your relationship with her over your wedding.

LAM524

If I may, Im going to throw an invite question in. I may be over thinking this but non the less, I cant seem to figure it out and I'm getting ready to send the STD's. We have re-written and re-written our guest list for months now with a max of 100 guests. Until last night, we had just counted our single friends as single because they are right now. We are as satisfied as we can be with our list (working within the boundaries of 100 guests & budget) The wedding is in 10 months. We currently have 12 single friends. Should we assume they will all be involved with someone by the time the invites go out and remove 12 guests from our current list in which case we would not send them STD (next week)?

aurianna

LAM2228 said:

If I may, Im going to throw an invite question in. I may be over thinking this but non the less, I cant seem to figure it out and I'm getting ready to send the STD's. We have re-written and re-written our guest list for months now with a max of 100 guests. Until last night, we had just counted our single friends as single because they are right now. We are as satisfied as we can be with our list (working within the boundaries of 100 guests & budget) The wedding is in 10 months. We currently have 12 single friends. Should we assume they will all be involved with someone by the time the invites go out and remove 12 guests from our current list in which case we would not send them STD (next week)?

You have to budget for everyone having an SO by the time the invitations go out because it's totally possible.
Definitely don't send STDs to people you think you may need to cut later.

Simply Fated

I agree... don't send STDs to maybe. Keep them for Definites.

I still believe that while legally married couples have a relationship that is legally recognized, their relationship isn't any more valid than any one else's and shouldn't be held to different standards.
I would like to know why married couples (sometimes engaged) are considered a Must Invite Together and not anyone else, other than "'Emily Post' said so."