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Etiquette

Am I Wrong?

My parents are paying for most of my wedding with me picking up the difference.  We are expecting 140 guests plus the bridal party at $150pp.   My guest list consists of my close family, friends, and colleagues.  My fiancé's list includes his parents, siblings, their kids, and a few close friends.  My fiancé's mother wants my fiance to add her siblings (who she barely speaks to), their kids, and 4 friends. 

We live in Miami but we are getting married in NY where I grew up.   My fiancé's mother has siblings and friends who she says would love to come to our wedding.  Who wouldn't want to come to a wedding?  My stance is that these people are not close to my fiancé and have not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years.  If my fiancé's mom wants to entertain these people, it should be on her dime.  My fiancé's parents have not offered to contribute financially or in labor to our wedding.  She hasn't even called and asked my mother if there is anything that she could do.

It's well known in my fiance's family that his parents are cheap.  For his birthday (at the surprise party that I threw for him), his mom gave him an empty card and wrote inside, "I owe you your favorite Sunday dinner."  She cooks a variation of the same meal every Sunday.  For Christmas, she gave each child a picture of her and her husband that they had taken on a cruise.  My fiancé's parents have never taken him out for a meal at Applebee's or even McDonald's.  His parents are always entertaining friends at their home and they expect everyone to drop what they're doing to come and meet them.  If my fiancé's mother wants to see her family and friends while she's in town for our wedding, that's fine, but I should not be expected to invite them to our reception.  They are not close to me or my fiancé and if it were not for our wedding, she wouldn't be visiting them at all.  She just wants to show off. 

Am I wrong?

 

Re: Am I Wrong?

  • Have you talked to your FI at all about whether or not he wants to invite these people to the wedding? If he is adamantly opposed to the idea, then he should be the one to inform his mother that you are both sorry but those additional guests cannot be accommodated. If he wants them to be there, then you need to take that into consideration and should probably reassess your guest list.

    If he doesn't care either way, then you are not obligated to invite them (since your FMIL is not contributing financially to the wedding in any fashion). However, it may be a polite gesture on your behalf to extend an invitation to at least some of those guests - perhaps your FI's aunts and uncles, but not the others. Again, this is not required but might simply be a courteous thing to do if you so choose.
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    doeydo
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2013

    My parents are paying for most of my wedding with me picking up the difference.  We are expecting 140 guests plus the bridal party at $150pp.   My guest list consists of my close family, friends, and colleagues.  My fiancé's list includes his parents, siblings, their kids, and a few close friends.  My fiancé's mother wants my fiance to add her siblings (who she barely speaks to), their kids, and 4 friends. 

    We live in Miami but we are getting married in NY where I grew up.   My fiancé's mother has siblings and friends who she says would love to come to our wedding.  Who wouldn't want to come to a wedding?  My stance is that these people are not close to my fiancé and have not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years.  If my fiancé's mom wants to entertain these people, it should be on her dime.  My fiancé's parents have not offered to contribute financially or in labor to our wedding.  She hasn't even called and asked my mother if there is anything that she could do.

    It's well known in my fiance's family that his parents are cheap.  For his birthday (at the surprise party that I threw for him), his mom gave him an empty card and wrote inside, "I owe you your favorite Sunday dinner."  She cooks a variation of the same meal every Sunday.  For Christmas, she gave each child a picture of her and her husband that they had taken on a cruise.  My fiancé's parents have never taken him out for a meal at Applebee's or even McDonald's.  His parents are always entertaining friends at their home and they expect everyone to drop what they're doing to come and meet them.  If my fiancé's mother wants to see her family and friends while she's in town for our wedding, that's fine, but I should not be expected to invite them to our reception.  They are not close to me or my fiancé and if it were not for our wedding, she wouldn't be visiting them at all.  She just wants to show off. 

    Am I wrong?

     


    Your FI and you need to make this decision together and then let him address it with his mom. I suggest you and he give her a total number of guests she is permitted to invite. Complaining about her past Christmas gifts or lack of dinner invitations makes you seem like a bit of a whiner as it has no bearing on today's decisions. I would table that talk for good. Also, the "I" or "me" attitude, such as ... "My stance is that these people are not close to my fiance" and "I should not be expected to invite them to our reception," is a bit off putting or self-centered. I do agree with you about her reunion on your dime. We faced that as well.
    melbelleupDreamergirl8812
  • I would say that its up to your FI if it is important to him. You are right that those who pay really have a say. But I would talk to him and see how he feels about them coming because if it is important to him then maybe it should be considered. 

    I am in a similar position where my parents and FI and I paid for the majority. We decided that each side gets a set number and they can allocate those however they want with a few exceptions (1 aunt on each side that FI and I don't like and know will cause drama, luckily our parents agreed). 

    Guest lists can get really tricky and sometimes you have to pick your battles. Hopefully you and FI can decide which if any of those guests should be included. 
  • Are you "required" to invite them?  Probably not.

    Should you do so anyway?  Maybe.  I wouldn't invite everyone your FMIL ever met, but I think inviting some of her most special people is a nice gesture, especially if your folks have a ton of people on their list.  Yes, your parents are paying.  But a wedding is about a union of two people and, to some extent, two families.  I think that respecting your FMIL's feelings is a good start to your "new" life and your new formal relationship to your FMIL.  And it would feel unbalanced to me to leave out all of her people (and, in terms of family, your FI's people too...even if they aren't seen often) if you invite the same type of people on your side.

    My mom & step-dad gave us a good portion of the wedding money, the rest is from us.  We're still inviting his family and at least one good family friend (whom he hasn't seen in eons but who is very important to his mother).

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It depends on your family dynamic and what your fiance wants to do. Is it going to cause major drama with him and his mother (and thus YOU and his mother)? We didn't invite anybody who wasn't in our lives on a regular basis, but not everyone can get away with that. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    melbelleup
  • My parents are paying for most of my wedding with me picking up the difference.  We are expecting 140 guests plus the bridal party at $150pp.   My guest list consists of my close family, friends, and colleagues.  My fiancé's list includes his parents, siblings, their kids, and a few close friends.  My fiancé's mother wants my fiance to add her siblings (who she barely speaks to), their kids, and 4 friends. 

    We live in Miami but we are getting married in NY where I grew up.   My fiancé's mother has siblings and friends who she says would love to come to our wedding.  Who wouldn't want to come to a wedding?  My stance is that these people are not close to my fiancé and have not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years.  If my fiancé's mom wants to entertain these people, it should be on her dime.  My fiancé's parents have not offered to contribute financially or in labor to our wedding.  She hasn't even called and asked my mother if there is anything that she could do.

    It's well known in my fiance's family that his parents are cheap.  For his birthday (at the surprise party that I threw for him), his mom gave him an empty card and wrote inside, "I owe you your favorite Sunday dinner."  She cooks a variation of the same meal every Sunday.  For Christmas, she gave each child a picture of her and her husband that they had taken on a cruise.  My fiancé's parents have never taken him out for a meal at Applebee's or even McDonald's.  His parents are always entertaining friends at their home and they expect everyone to drop what they're doing to come and meet them.  If my fiancé's mother wants to see her family and friends while she's in town for our wedding, that's fine, but I should not be expected to invite them to our reception.  They are not close to me or my fiancé and if it were not for our wedding, she wouldn't be visiting them at all.  She just wants to show off. 

    Am I wrong?

     


    The bolded wasn't necessary. They can spend their money however they wish and it's not any of your business. So I'd try your best to just let all that go.

    Technically you are not wrong. If they're not paying then they don't get a say. But you never said what your FI wants. In fact, I have no clue if he's even paying at all since you repeatedly said "I". If he is okay with inviting all or just a few of her list then I would just do it. What's the big deal really? You'll see them for half a second at the wedding and it will make your FMIL happy. Win win!

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    doeydo
  • Like others said, it depends on what your fiance wants. I viewed our wedding as a family reunion, and a chance to gather people I hadn't seen in 10+ years (far-flung relatives and close family friends).
  • So your COLLEAGUES get invited...but members of his FAMILY do not?

    No.  You're wrong.
    jendemeyer
  • If I read correctly, you and your parents are paying for the wedding. I've always thought it's he who pays gets a say. 
    FI's parents aren't paying so no say. Please correct me if I'm wrong. 
    Soon2bGWLJr
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Talk to your FI about these people.  Does he want them there?  We had decided to not invite my H's father's family.  FIL had passed prior to our wedding and these family members were basically unknown to H after his dad passed.  H didn't want these people attending.  At one point MIL told H that we should invite his dad's family to our wedding.  But H didn't want these people and MIL wasn't paying, so he told her no and that was the end of it.
  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I do think that you need to talk to your FI regarding this and see what he wants to do.  I am in agreement that whoever pays gets the say so yes, you can say no.  But this is his family, at the very least I would accommodate his aunts, but not their children, and possibly their friends.  FI and I are paying for our wedding, but we are able to invite everyone our parents had requested and just reworked the budget to make this happen.  I know that not everyone can do this, but at the very least its his family, regardless of whether or not he is close or doesn't see them very often.  And by the sounds of it, it appears to be a destination wedding so theres a good chance not everyone will be able to go (unless its just the two of you who live in Miami and your family and his are based in NY).
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    doeydo
  • My parents are paying for most of my wedding with me picking up the difference.  We are expecting 140 guests plus the bridal party at $150pp.   My guest list consists of my close family, friends, and colleagues.  My fiancé's list includes his parents, siblings, their kids, and a few close friends.  My fiancé's mother wants my fiance to add her siblings (who she barely speaks to), their kids, and 4 friends. 

    We live in Miami but we are getting married in NY where I grew up.   My fiancé's mother has siblings and friends who she says would love to come to our wedding.  Who wouldn't want to come to a wedding?  My stance is that these people are not close to my fiancé and have not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years.  If my fiancé's mom wants to entertain these people, it should be on her dime.  My fiancé's parents have not offered to contribute financially or in labor to our wedding.  She hasn't even called and asked my mother if there is anything that she could do.

    It's well known in my fiance's family that his parents are cheap.  For his birthday (at the surprise party that I threw for him), his mom gave him an empty card and wrote inside, "I owe you your favorite Sunday dinner."  She cooks a variation of the same meal every Sunday.  For Christmas, she gave each child a picture of her and her husband that they had taken on a cruise.  My fiancé's parents have never taken him out for a meal at Applebee's or even McDonald's.  His parents are always entertaining friends at their home and they expect everyone to drop what they're doing to come and meet them.  If my fiancé's mother wants to see her family and friends while she's in town for our wedding, that's fine, but I should not be expected to invite them to our reception.  They are not close to me or my fiancé and if it were not for our wedding, she wouldn't be visiting them at all.  She just wants to show off. 

    Am I wrong?

     

    I would approach each set of people differently:

    1. Your FI's mother's siblings...AKA your FI's aunts/uncles? If this is the case, I would base it on how close your FI is with his aunts/uncles. Does he want to invite them? I know in my family, not inviting aunts/uncles would be considered a huge snub. If you could fit it into the budget, my advice would be to invite them.

    2. Their kids...your FI's cousins? Same as above. Is he close with his cousins?

    3. 4 friends: This is where I think you could draw the line. If you or your FI don't know/don't want their friends there, I see no problem with saying no, especially since they aren't contributing financially.

    Ultimately though, like other posters said, it needs to be a mutual decision between you and your FI that takes into consideration family dynamics and your FI's feelings.

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    ViczaesarSoon2bGWLJr
  • Depends on A) if your parents still have room in the budget, and they are ok with an additional 20 peopleish B) if you FI even wants them there.

    The last paragraph was also very unnecessary, and kinda mean.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    BostonLilly12
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    My parents are paying for most of my wedding with me picking up the difference.  We are expecting 140 guests plus the bridal party at $150pp.   My guest list consists of my close family, friends, and colleagues.  My fiancé's list includes his parents, siblings, their kids, and a few close friends.  My fiancé's mother wants my fiance to add her siblings (who she barely speaks to), their kids, and 4 friends. 

    We live in Miami but we are getting married in NY where I grew up.   My fiancé's mother has siblings and friends who she says would love to come to our wedding.  Who wouldn't want to come to a wedding?  My stance is that these people are not close to my fiancé and have not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years.  If my fiancé's mom wants to entertain these people, it should be on her dime.  My fiancé's parents have not offered to contribute financially or in labor to our wedding.  She hasn't even called and asked my mother if there is anything that she could do.

    It's well known in my fiance's family that his parents are cheap.  For his birthday (at the surprise party that I threw for him), his mom gave him an empty card and wrote inside, "I owe you your favorite Sunday dinner."  She cooks a variation of the same meal every Sunday.  For Christmas, she gave each child a picture of her and her husband that they had taken on a cruise.  My fiancé's parents have never taken him out for a meal at Applebee's or even McDonald's.  His parents are always entertaining friends at their home and they expect everyone to drop what they're doing to come and meet them.  If my fiancé's mother wants to see her family and friends while she's in town for our wedding, that's fine, but I should not be expected to invite them to our reception.  They are not close to me or my fiancé and if it were not for our wedding, she wouldn't be visiting them at all.  She just wants to show off. 

    Am I wrong?

     


    Your FI and you need to make this decision together and then let him address it with his mom. I suggest you and he give her a total number of guests she is permitted to invite. Complaining about her past Christmas gifts or lack of dinner invitations makes you seem like a bit of a whiner as it has no bearing on today's decisions. I would table that talk for good. Also, the "I" or "me" attitude, such as ... "My stance is that these people are not close to my fiance" and "I should not be expected to invite them to our reception," is a bit off putting or self-centered. I do agree with you about her reunion on your dime. We faced that as well.
    I agree with everyone else that you need to ask your FI what he wants; it seems he has no extended family invited to his wedding.  Is it in the budget to invite these extra people?  I think it's nice to have the parents invite a few friends if they want. However, if your FI doesn't care or doesn't want these people, then you are not wrong.  If your FIL are not paying they can't demand invites for people.  
    Also, I think the OP was trying to paint a picture of how the FMIL is like.  To me it seems like she cares more about her friends than her children, or cares more about what they think. My FIL are contributing a little money, but my parent's are paying for the majority. We still split the guest list in thirds, 1/3 for me and my FI's friends, 1/3 for my family and family friends, and 1/3 for my FI's family and parent's friends. We figured that was the fairest way.
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer

    My parents are paying for most of my wedding with me picking up the difference.  We are expecting 140 guests plus the bridal party at $150pp.   My guest list consists of my close family, friends, and colleagues.  My fiancé's list includes his parents, siblings, their kids, and a few close friends.  My fiancé's mother wants my fiance to add her siblings (who she barely speaks to), their kids, and 4 friends. 

    We live in Miami but we are getting married in NY where I grew up.   My fiancé's mother has siblings and friends who she says would love to come to our wedding.  Who wouldn't want to come to a wedding?  My stance is that these people are not close to my fiancé and have not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years.  If my fiancé's mom wants to entertain these people, it should be on her dime.  My fiancé's parents have not offered to contribute financially or in labor to our wedding.  She hasn't even called and asked my mother if there is anything that she could do.

    It's well known in my fiance's family that his parents are cheap.  For his birthday (at the surprise party that I threw for him), his mom gave him an empty card and wrote inside, "I owe you your favorite Sunday dinner."  She cooks a variation of the same meal every Sunday.  For Christmas, she gave each child a picture of her and her husband that they had taken on a cruise.  My fiancé's parents have never taken him out for a meal at Applebee's or even McDonald's.  His parents are always entertaining friends at their home and they expect everyone to drop what they're doing to come and meet them.  If my fiancé's mother wants to see her family and friends while she's in town for our wedding, that's fine, but I should not be expected to invite them to our reception.  They are not close to me or my fiancé and if it were not for our wedding, she wouldn't be visiting them at all.  She just wants to show off. 

    Am I wrong?

     

    Your fiance does not have to invite them, unless he wants them there.



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