Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
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Re: .

  • No. Stepping on the glass is not something fun for a child to do. Inappropriate.
    Dreamergirl8812melbelleup
  • not supposed to be fun. but thanks.
  • No.  FI's son is not getting married, he should not be a part of the ceremony.  Even though you love him and he loves you, he is not the one getting married.

    Also, why is FI doing the stepping on the glass if the ceremony is not religious?  As a religious person, this really confuses me.  I would be upset/offended if someone didn't have a ceremony in my religion but decided to use one of the rituals, symbols, or traditions just because they thought it was neat.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    doeydomelbelleupLiatris2010
  • @carly324. Exactly. It's not meant to be fun. It's a reminder of the sorrow that comes with all joy. It's completely inappropriate to ask a child to participate in it.

    If you want to involve him, he can be a ring bearer, best man, or give a reading.
    doeydomelbelleupmaryemooLiatris2010
  • carly324 said:
    For our ceremony, we are keeping all religion out.  Neither my fiance or myself are very religious.  I am Jewish and he is not.  He did agree to stepping on a glass though.  Our ceremony will really just be a reflection of the two of us.  My fiance does have a son whom I love so much!  I want to incorporate him into the ceremony somehow. He is not my son but will be a step son to me.. He will be 8 years old at our wedding.  Since we are including a few "traditional" things (not religious) and since my fiance is stepping on the glass.... I was thinking about having my fiance and his son step on the glass together. 

    Thoughts??
    This ritual is meant for the couple getting married - no one else. It's not appropriate and defeats the purpose of the ritual for someone who is not being married to do this. Although they may not say so to you, this has the potential to seriously offend some of your Jewish relatives. I'm not even Jewish, but live in a large Jewish community and have a lot of Jewish friends. Even I would side-eye this.

    I think it's really sweet that you want to involve your FI's son. I suggest having him be a ring bearer. Eight years old is definitely not too old for that, BUT if he thinks it's a "baby job" (some 8 year olds might) have him be a groomsman. There's no age restriction on that. If that doesn't work, see if he'd be comfortable doing a short reading. 
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    STARMOON44doeydomelbelleupLiatris2010
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2013
    No.  If you want to include your FSS, have him as a ring bearer, groomsman, usher, or reader.  But it would be very inappropriate for him to step on the glass.  Although there is a superstiion that stepping on the glass is done for good luck, this is really not the case at all.

    The reasons for this ritual actually involve acknowledging that life and marriage contain sorrow as well as joy.  The crushing of the glass is a reminder of this as well as of the destruction of the Temples.  This is not appropriate for a child-or for anyone other than the couple, so don't have your son do it by way of being "inclusive" or for "cuteness" because it is neither.  Jewish guests will side-eye this, as will anyone else who is knowledgeable about the background of this ritual.


    doeydoLiatris2010MadHops21
  • No.  If you want 2 people to step on the glass, it should be you and your FI, no one else. 

    The best way I can think of to incorporate your FI's son in a Jewish wedding tradition would be to have him stand under the chuppah with you.  I've seen plenty of non-religious Jewish ceremonies with a chuppah--it's easy to have a florist make one for you.  We had our parents and all of our siblings under our chuppah with us and our officiant.  
    doeydoLiatris2010
  • thanks everyone.. we are sticking with our plan.  and my jewish family thinks it's a fantastic idea.  
  • people include their parents in the ceremony all the time as a symbol of two families coming together (like a candle lighting, pouring water or sand into a single jar etc.)  I think including his son by stepping on the glass is a fabulous way of incorporating him in a very meaningful way (as opposed to him just walking down the aisle-you can ask anyone's kid can be a ring bearer)  I do not think the symbolism behind it means it's inappropriate for an 8 year old at all.  and in the end your family's opinion is all that matters!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2013
    aisdoyle said:
    people include their parents in the ceremony all the time as a symbol of two families coming together (like a candle lighting, pouring water or sand into a single jar etc.)  I think including his son by stepping on the glass is a fabulous way of incorporating him in a very meaningful way (as opposed to him just walking down the aisle-you can ask anyone's kid can be a ring bearer)  I do not think the symbolism behind it means it's inappropriate for an 8 year old at all.  and in the end your family's opinion is all that matters!
    Where are you getting this from?  Not every ritual during a wedding is appropriate as a unity ritual or to "include" children, and this definitely is an inappropriate one. 

    Doing this would be offensive to every Jewish person present.  The ritual of stepping on the glass is, in fact, traditionally only for the groom, and it represents sorrow and destruction, not good luck, love, unity, or bonding.  It is terribly inappropriate for a child and  it would not be "meaningful" or "fabulous" to do that at all.

    It is not okay to rewrite religious rituals just to use them as "bonding" or "unity" experiences because they seem "cute," "cool," "meaningful," or "fabulous," because that's extremely insulting to those who do take this seriously, just as it would be offensive to Catholics to take communion during a Catholic mass when you are not a believer in their religion.

    Please don't give this terrible advice again.  Her family's opinion is NOT all that matters.
    doeydoLiatris2010mrskaiser22MadHops21
  • aisdoyle agreed and thank you! nice when someone isnt so opinioned and see the good...

    Jen4948 not one of my jewish relatives would be offended.  having you say "Doing this would be offensive to every Jewish person present" is a little dramatic.

    Again, no matter what we are doing it.  my family happened to think it was a great idea.

    -bride to be with a fiance AND a stepson stepping!
    katieg520
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2013
    carly324 said:
    aisdoyle agreed and thank you! nice when someone isnt so opinioned and see the good...

    Jen4948 not one of my jewish relatives would be offended.  having you say "Doing this would be offensive to every Jewish person present" is a little dramatic.

    Again, no matter what we are doing it.  my family happened to think it was a great idea.

    -bride to be with a fiance AND a stepson stepping!
    Sorry, but it is still offensive to Jewish people that you would use a ritual about sorrow and destruction to be "cute" and to "include" a stepson.  It is not supposed to be about "including" at all, and your reply is dismissive of Jewish people who DO take their rituals seriously.  Just as it would be inappropriate to take Catholic communion if one is not a believing Catholic, it is just as inappropriate to use a Jewish ritual in this way.  Whether or not you or your family is among those Jews, you and your family are being offensive and dismissive of the feelings of those Jews who do care about the purpose of Jewish rituals.
    doeydoSereneTiger
  • thank you for your opinion. i am not being snarky-- i am really thanking you for your opinion. which is why i posted my question.

    still doing it.


  • She posted the question to see if anyone would pose a reasonable argument that she could consider. Instead she was labeled as using the word "fun" which she didn't, and advised by others their opinions on the tradition of the act involving the two people getting married.

    In the end, @carly324 did not receive an enticing enough argument to reconsider and has decided to move forward with the support of family. The end.

    Good luck @carly324
    -anjo (aka the future mrs miley :)


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    mimiphinkatieg520
  • I wonder how many family members are actually against the idea and just won't say anything because you're stubborn.


    Personally, as a Jew, I am pretty horrified at the idea of a child stepping on the glass at the ceremony. Not only is it a sorrow/joy thing, but it seals the bond between husband and wife. Children have absolutely NO business stepping on the glass. That's like having him put the ring on your finger.

    If you want to incorporate him somehow, make him a ring bearer or have him do a reading if he's old enough. There are a million other things he can do that won't look weird and straight-up wrong.

    I agree with this. Even if a few family members really do think this is a good idea, there will probably be at least one Jewish person who understands the tradition and will be horrified.

    A few people in your family thinking that something is ok doesn't change the fact that it's offensive to many (most?) members of the Jewish faith.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    STARMOON44doeydo
  • Does your future step-son want to be included or is this something you have decided to do without taking his desires into consideration?
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    doeydoSereneTigermaryemoo
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    "Breaking the glass[edit] After the bride has been given the ring, or at the end of the ceremony (depending on local custom), the groom breaks a glass, crushing it with his right foot, and the guests shout "Mazel tov!" ("Congratulations"). At some contemporary weddings, a lightbulb may be substituted because it is thinner and more easily broken, and it makes a louder popping sound.[24] The origin of this custom is unknown, although many reasons have been given. The primary reason is that joy must always be tempered.[25] This is based on two accounts in the Talmud of rabbis who, upon seeing that their son's wedding celebration was getting out of hand, broke a vessel - in the second case a glass - to calm things down. Another explanation is that it is a reminder that despite the joy, Jews still mourn the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Because of this, some recite the verses "If I forget thee / O Jerusalem..." at this point.[15] Many other reasons have been given by traditional authorities.[25] Former Sephardic Chief Rabbi of Israel Ovadia Yosef, has strongly criticized the way this custom is sometimes carried out, arguing that "Many unknowledgeable people fill their mouths with laughter during the breaking of the glass, shouting 'mazel tov' and turning a beautiful custom meant to express our sorrow" over Jerusalem's destruction "into an opportunity for lightheadedness." [26]" ------------------------------------------------- Previous is from wikipedia, which I know isn't a great source, but this expresses common sentiment. I'm not Jewish, but am more than a little bit religious, and would be astounded if a child did something so irreverent.
    mimiphinDreamergirl8812doeydomaryemoo
  • again.. i will keep thanking everyone.

    This will be my very favorite part of my wedding.

    Yep, still doing it. and yep, i did actually want others opinions. 


    katieg520
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mimiphin said:

    Well we could talk you out of a honeymoon registry (which is tacky(!) but not 'that' bad in retrospect) but not out of a child participating in a ritual which is reserved for your future husband and is highly offensive to some?

    What I worry about most is if this 8 year old is now going to be considered the head of the family(which is why the husband breaks the glass) and what else is going to be expected of him...

    I think WW or Wedding Bee would be a better place to get validation for this dreadful idea.

    Squeeeee!!! Maybe he can remove the garter too! Such funny pictures!!! Sooooo cute! Pictures pictures pictures!!!
    You're awesome.
    image
  • mimiphin said:

    Well we could talk you out of a honeymoon registry (which is tacky(!) but not 'that' bad in retrospect) but not out of a child participating in a ritual which is reserved for your future husband and is highly offensive to some?

    What I worry about most is if this 8 year old is now going to be considered the head of the family(which is why the husband breaks the glass) and what else is going to be expected of him...

    I think WW or Wedding Bee would be a better place to get validation for this dreadful idea.

    Squeeeee!!! Maybe he can remove the garter too! Such funny pictures!!! Sooooo cute! Pictures pictures pictures!!!
    So glad someone got what I was getting at!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    carly324 said:
    again.. i will keep thanking everyone.

    This will be my very favorite part of my wedding.

    Yep, still doing it. and yep, i did actually want others opinions. 


    No, what you wanted was validation, which only one person here, presumably not Jewish and not familiar with the tradition, gave you.

    Since your FI isn't Jewish, it's not really appropriate for him to do it either.
    maryemoo

  • carly324 said:
    For our ceremony, we are keeping all religion out.  Neither my fiance or myself are very religious. 
    Why even include it if you are not having anything else religious at the ceremony? 

    You can't pick and choose which aspects of a religious ceremony to include just because you feel like it. 

    There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for you to include it at all. Do you just want to confuse and offend people? 

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  • mimiphin said:

    Well we could talk you out of a honeymoon registry (which is tacky(!) but not 'that' bad in retrospect) but not out of a child participating in a ritual which is reserved for your future husband and is highly offensive to some?

    What I worry about most is if this 8 year old is now going to be considered the head of the family(which is why the husband breaks the glass) and what else is going to be expected of him...

    I think WW or Wedding Bee would be a better place to get validation for this dreadful idea.

    Are you honestly suggesting that this site is so superior that advice you think is shitty and people you don't agree with belong somewhere else? Or is it you and your opinions that are superior? I feel like you crossed a line here when you asked what else will be expected of her step son. I don't even care for the implications or the rudeness. What's good for one persons wedding isn't going to be for everyone's and I feel like she asked for opinions, got them, said thank you for taking the time to share your opinions, and then made a decision. I don't think you should be so cruel to someone for having a difference in opinion and honestly your posts remind me of mean spirited high school gossip on a Facebook wall, not an adult community for women who are looking for support and help and friendship while going through an amazing (and yet very taxing) life experience. Maybe some other social media would be a better place for this kind of bullying, a site for younger women.
    Kerigirl9
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