Snarky Brides

Bridesmaid drama!!!! So over it!

24

Re: Bridesmaid drama!!!! So over it!

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @katieg520 - you are confusing the hell out of me.  If I were helping you call up vendors for a party that you and your Mom are funding, then yes, I would have no say over what happens because I am not hosting the damn thing, you and your Mom are.  All I would be doing is making the calls and booking things for you, like a secretary would do for their boss, I would not be making any of the decisions for the party.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • If your BMs offered to plan you parties, why are you involved at all at this point?  Just let it go.  If it happens have fun! If not, well... it wasn't a requirement of them.  Maybe people are backing out because you're butting in too much and it's not fun for them anymore.
    doeydoDreamergirl8812APDSS22
  • katieg520 said:
    katieg520 said:
    Ok, so in my wedding I have a Matron of Honor (who lives 10 hours away in Florida) and I have a Maid of Honor (lives locally). The reason for having two is because one is local and can participate and help plan. This reason sucks. The one who lives in Florida is truly my very best friend and the one I am so close to. Well.... let's just say they're both being lame.

    The one who lives locally hasn't done a damn thing! Probably because the stuff you want her to do is ridiculous and outside her "job description" of showing up in the dress you choose (in her budget) to the ceremony on time. My mom has planned the engagement party all by herself. I have tried to talk to this MOH multiple times It's rude to ask your BMs to plan parties, plan the wedding and do stuff for you. The title of BM/MOH is for YOU to honor THEM. Not the other way around. about things that need to be planned only to get either no response or told that I am freaking out over nothing and that if I want to "stress myself out then go right ahead" but "she's not about to do that."  She also stopped talking to me for a period of time because her boyfriend is not invited to the wedding. It's rude to exclude SOs.  Her boyfriend is a known drug dealer and user and has passed out in public on more than one occasion due to the drugs he takes. Are you sure it wasn't something you said? I told her I'm sorry but I would not be inviting him because 1. the guest list has to be kept short and we had already cut like 75 or more friends and relatives, and 2. because she knows how I feel about him and there will be police there, so if he passes out at a table, I would be so embarrassed. Well heaven forbid YOU'RE embarrassed by something so extremely sad and tragic. So yesterday I had planned to ask her to step down as MOH and just let someone else take over because it's obvious that she has no time to participate and contribute to planning events. She's probably relieved. I would be and definitely use it as excuse to end the "friendship" or whatever you call it...

    Well, before I could approach her, the Matron of Honor that lives in Florida texted me to tell me that her husband has said they will not travel to Louisiana for any reason. So she won't come alone because she says she can't handle her three kids by herself. I could go on and on about that in itself, but I won't. Dropping like flies, huh? Gosh I wonder why....

    I am so pissed at both of them....

    Ok, just had to vent.
    I think it would be a good exercise for you to reflect on how you've treated these people. It's no wonder they're not willing to help you and/or refusing to attend. If one of my "friends" treated me like shit, I won't waste any time or money on her either.
    Have you read the above responses????
    Yes. I did. My advice stands.

    So I take it you still think everything is everyone else's fault, you are still mad at your ex-MOHs, and you still think micromanaging/controlling people is a successful way to operate....? 
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    [Deleted User]APDSS22melbelleupPrettyGirlLost
  • After reading through all of that...

    WOW.

    1.) While I understand that you severely dislike the BF of one of your MOH's, it is very rude to say to someone who is in your bridal party can't bring someone.  What if they don't know anyone else?  You aren't going to be able to talk to them every second that day.  Who she bunks with is none of your concern.  If she's happy, then you need to accept that.  Period.  As for the other MOH in FL, you need to respect that she has other more pressing matters than your wedding.  You should not be taking it personal that she can't come.  The relationship she has with her husband is none of your business.  Get over it.

    2.) Regardless of them offering to throw you parties, you are acting like they are a right and not a privilege.  You don't have to get diddly squat.  

    3.) It is not the responsibility of everyone else to plan your wedding.  Like others have said, if you can't handle the planning, hire someone to do it for you.  It's not fair for you to expect your BP to do it.  They are not you.

    4.) Relax.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Maggie0829doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    katieg520 I agree with the others. You are treating them wrong to expect them to plan your parties. 

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • kss20 said:
    If your BMs offered to plan you parties, why are you involved at all at this point?  Just let it go.  If it happens have fun! If not, well... it wasn't a requirement of them.  Maybe people are backing out because you're butting in too much and it's not fun for them anymore.
    Maybe so.... This is advice I can and will take! Thanks!

    msdds51psychbabe314AroundTheBlocklovesclimbing
  • Am I the only one who doesn't see the images people are posting? I see the word "image." Maybe it's because I'm on a Mac?

  • I think y'all have taken snarky to a whole new level... now I'm a troll. Nice....

    AroundTheBlock
  • Well, this MOH has had a really rough couple of years after a breakup that happened two years ago. I can't fathom being so affected by a breakup, but she apparently is. So... without getting into a lot of detail, her other friends and myself have recently expressed grave concern for her condition, and it wasn't received well. So I will let her tend to herself and just be here if and when she decides she wants my help. Otherwise, to each his own, I guess.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    katieg520 said:
    Well, this MOH has had a really rough couple of years after a breakup that happened two years ago. I can't fathom being so affected by a breakup, but she apparently is. So... without getting into a lot of detail, her other friends and myself have recently expressed grave concern for her condition, and it wasn't received well. So I will let her tend to herself and just be here if and when she decides she wants my help. Otherwise, to each his own, I guess.
    That is the best you can do sometimes.  I hope your friend gets into an emotionally happier place eventually.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    katieg520 said:
    Well, this MOH has had a really rough couple of years after a breakup that happened two years ago. I can't fathom being so affected by a breakup, but she apparently is. So... without getting into a lot of detail, her other friends and myself have recently expressed grave concern for her condition, and it wasn't received well. So I will let her tend to herself and just be here if and when she decides she wants my help. Otherwise, to each his own, I guess.
    Just some words of advice - one of my best friends had her heart broken and she wasn't the same for years. Sometimes it takes other people longer to get over things. She's obviously a close friends of yours since you asked her to be your MOH. Just try to be as supportive as you can. 
    What exactly is this grave condition? Is it that she's dating a drug user?

  • Well, she misuses her prescription pills... She mixes them with all kinds of other pills and alcohol. I am scared to death that one day she is going to overdose or get into a car accident (because she drives like that!) and hurt/kill herself or someone else. She has been on the verge of about to lose her job because she fell asleep in a meeting because she was under the influence of her medications. She seeks pills from doctors that she doesn't need, makes up conditions, etc. I didn't know the gravity of the situation until her other friends and myself started talking and we pieced together stories that she has told us. I really don't know what to do and I miss the way she used to be. She is but a shell of her old self.

  • Well, that was way more deep than I intended to go. But if anyone has any advice or experience with a similar situation, I'd like to hear it. Thanks!

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, she misuses her prescription pills... She mixes them with all kinds of other pills and alcohol. I am scared to death that one day she is going to overdose or get into a car accident (because she drives like that!) and hurt/kill herself or someone else. She has been on the verge of about to lose her job because she fell asleep in a meeting because she was under the influence of her medications. She seeks pills from doctors that she doesn't need, makes up conditions, etc. I didn't know the gravity of the situation until her other friends and myself started talking and we pieced together stories that she has told us. I really don't know what to do and I miss the way she used to be. She is but a shell of her old self.
    You say that you and other friends have tried to talk to her about this right? And that conversation didn't end well, right?

    You can only do so much.  Many times the person who is suffering needs to admit that they have a problem and that they need help before anything you say or do will really hit home.  This situation sucks big time but just keep being there for her the best you can.  Don't keep pestering her about her situation because that will just make her mad and draw her away from you more.  Be supportive, listen when she wants to talk and let her know that you will be there for her if she needs you.

    KeptInStitches
  • Yes, we have tried to "make" her see that she is spiraling downward just like she did two years ago. We used to work together, but she got fired because her boyfriend broke up with her so she quit coming to work, was late when she did show up, and then showed her students movies (we are both teachers). After that, because we live in a small area, she couldn't find a new job teaching because all the principals around here know each other and they talk. Two years later she found a job on the other side of town and did very well her first year there. Well, she's on the brink of losing it all again. She doesn't pay her bills, etc. Her other very close friend and I took her in at certain points and let her live with us rent free. We have both agreed that we won't do that again because it obviously didn't help her. I will listen to her and I will give advice, but she won't live with me.

  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    katieg520 said:

    Yes, we have tried to "make" her see that she is spiraling downward just like she did two years ago. We used to work together, but she got fired because her boyfriend broke up with her so she quit coming to work, was late when she did show up, and then showed her students movies (we are both teachers). After that, because we live in a small area, she couldn't find a new job teaching because all the principals around here know each other and they talk. Two years later she found a job on the other side of town and did very well her first year there. Well, she's on the brink of losing it all again. She doesn't pay her bills, etc. Her other very close friend and I took her in at certain points and let her live with us rent free. We have both agreed that we won't do that again because it obviously didn't help her. I will listen to her and I will give advice, but she won't live with me.

    OP, that's rough and I'm really sorry you have to watch someone you care about suffer like that. I know how scary and frustrating that is.



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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yikes. I don't really have much advice to give. I did go through something similar with a friend. Unfortunately it took her getting pregnant to get her life together. Nothing that any of us said to her made a difference. You can't force someone to get clean and until they're ready to admit they have a problem, not much is going to change. I'm sorry. 

  • Oh my friend WANTS to get pregnant so badly because she wants to keep him. BUT he doesn't want any more children (he already has one) and asks her every day to make sure she takes her bcp....

  • For the record, I found on THEKNOT.com this article about a MOH's duties... I shall copy and paste it here for all of you who called me bossy, a bridezilla, and hindered on calling me a bitch. I shall highlight and bold the areas in which I was judged WRONGLY for thinking my maids or maid of honor should participate and plan.

    "The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package. Here's what's expected:

    • Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.

    • Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).

    • Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.

    • Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.

    • Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.

    • Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.

    • Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride.

    • Attend all prewedding parties.

    • Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).

    • Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.

    • See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.

    • Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.

    • Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.

    • Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.

    • Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.

    • Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.

    • Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).

    • Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.

    • Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.

    • Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.

    • Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.

    • Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)

    • Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.

    • Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.

    Read more: Maid of Honor: Her Duties in Detail – Bridesmaid Mother of the Bride – Bridesmaids http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz2hM3Atzgm"

    As I recall, you all told me that I was a bitch for expecting anyone to do anything for me because I was under the impression that it was the maids and MOH's duties to plan showers, parties, etc ... Well, looky here, it's in writing that it is, in fact, the duties of the MOH. *gasp

    Furthermore, all those other things I never even mentioned wanting or even expecting... but she hasn't done any of that either.

    AroundTheBlockrobinwinegirl
  • First of all, I never demanded of anything. The moment I asked her to be my MOH she was all gushing saying she was going to get a notebook and planner and write down dates, get with the bridesmaids and my parents and get started on planning. That came and went like the wind. Second of all, I don't know if it's a regional thing or not, but here where I'm from, it's understood that wedding parties throw the shower and the bachelorette party. I never had to ask anyone to do anything because the second they were all asked to be part of the BP it was discussed that these events were going to be so much fun and they couldn't wait to start planning. The rest of my BP is on the ball and have been planning without me even having to mention a word. The MOH is the one who has flaked... albeit for the aforementioned personal problems. And as I stated before, I no longer expect a thing from her. Lucky for me, I have a really awesome BP and they have taken over on all the events. I don't plan to ask the MOH to step down because I realize she is in a sensitive spot in her life.

    AroundTheBlock
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