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What Your Guests Really Think of Your Honeymoon Registry...

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Re: What Your Guests Really Think of Your Honeymoon Registry...

  • edited March 2014
    Apologies for slightly going off topic, but who are these couples that have absolutely everything they need/want and can find nothing worthwhile to register for in the home department? I see this constantly. "We went with a honeymoon registry because we have everything we need and just want contributions to our honeymoon." If you have every single thing you could ever want for your home, then why don't you have any money? I realize that some might be saving for a down payment or to pay off things, but I just find it hard to believe that you're completely set, that there's not one thing you can think of in terms of upgrades, etc. My FI and I have been living together for a year and have good jobs, and of course we could always use money for a larger down payment, getting rid of our student loans, etc., but we also look forward to receiving special things for our home from guests. Things we could buy for ourselves, but just wouldn't necessarily - like a fancy carving set, super nice cookware, high thread count towels, etc. We also live in the city in a one bedroom apartment...so it's not like we're swimming in extra space. Anyway, my point is: why not just admit that you don't care about getting things for your home or keepsakes and that you would rather ask your guests to pay for your honeymoon instead? Just be honest about it. The whole honeymoon registry thing really screams dishonest to me.

    I'm not registering anything - no housewares, no upgrades, and definitely not a honeymoon. FI and I have lived together for over 10 years, so we actually do have all the things we "need" - a full service for 8 Lenox china set, service for 16 Gorham china set, service for 16 silverware, plenty of fancy pots/pans, fancy knives, and all the fancy appliances and gizmos we can fit on our countertops and in our cabinets. We rent a fairly small apartment, so we actually don't have space to put more stuff - we actually need to look into getting a storage unit to put our Christmas decorations in because we don't have anywhere to put them anymore. We also aren't registering for a honeymoon because, if we even had time to take one, we'd be able to pay for it on our own. We are actually hoping our guests don't give us anything other than the joy of spending our wedding day with them - but since we can't say that, we're kind of stuck either not registering for anything or registering for things we can't even store. So yea, there's more reasons for not registering than only wanting money.

    I'm with you @cookiepusher... we're fortunate enough to be in a similar situation.  I bought my first home by the time I was 24 (all my myself, no help from ANYONE) and collected all the usual stuff over the years. By the time I met FI, I had a small but nicely appointed home.  He ditched almost all of his stuff since was significantly lower quality when we moved in together.  We bought a new home together a few months ago and are steadily adding / upgrading as we go. And we're paying for a weekend wedding and honeymoon ourselves.  I've been convinced to create a small registry for my bridal shower but will take it down after the shower.  There will not be a registry, let alone a honeymoon fund.   We are more interested in spending time with the people we've chosen to invite than material goods.  A few PP shared experiences of seeing others view a HM fund as a blind grab for cash, some even purposely misrepresenting the "activities" in an attempt to gather more money.  How despicable.  I guess being a bad person doesn't necessarily stop when they plan their wedding.
  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    The more I read about honeymoon registries, the more upset I get.

    FI and I are in the process of buying our first house, and I expect all our savings to go into the down payment. We are paying entirely for our own wedding, so we budgeted for what we could afford.

    Because of this, we can't afford to go on a honeymoon right after our wedding. The week after our wedding we're going to the beach with my parents, the way we do every year. We're thinking of making our "honeymoon" a group vacation that a number of our friends are planning for next year, because that way we can afford to go somewhere nice if we share a lodge/condo with some friends.

    Am I sad I can't go on a honeymoon immediately? Yes, a little. Am I going to shake down my friends and relatives because I "deserve" a nice private vacation? HELL NO.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
    offthemarket915
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    FI and I are very lucky. We're not rich by any means, but we are comfortable. And thrifty. I coupon like a champ, and buy high quality at good prices. That's how we've kept the nice things we have in excellent condition. We'll upgrade eventually, but what's the point when you live in a tiny box? I declined having any showers, and am pretty sure no one is going to try and surprise me with one in the next 3.5 months.

    FSIL did a Honeyfund, and it was just so tacky. I saw the "activities" they registered for and know they didn't do any of them. And the prices were inflated. We were fully planning on giving them cash anyway, so we skipped out on the registry and just wrote them a check. Why would I want to deal with the fee crap?

    ~*~*~*~*~

    pinkshorts27
  • My aunt got me a Kitchenaid mixer in a great pistachio ice cream color. Personally, I prefer the random gifts that people think up on their own than the things from the list. One of my friends got me Miss Piggy and Kermit replica puppets (we used to joke that me and the fiance are Kermit and Piggy because we have similar personalities). Obv I did not register for that but they are AMAZING. I like to make them have absurd arguments.
    Lucky, my aunt will probably give me the rice cooker she'd been trying to gift to my mother for the entire time my parents were married. LOL
    erc232
  • edited March 2014

    Again, similar situation here @cookiepusher.  I rarely pay retail and we're careful with our money.  And in those early years I skimped and saved (and worked multiple jobs) to buy quality items that would stand the test of time.  What a concept that I struck out to do for myself... guess I should have just married early, distributed my banking # and waited for it to come pouring in lol

    I caved on the bridal shower but kept it small.  People are going to travel out of state for our wedding and have lodging expenses, so we don't expect anything more from them.  We'll be grateful for any gifts but not expecting them or trying to figure how much we'll "make" from our wedding.

  • Inkdancer said:
    The more I read about honeymoon registries, the more upset I get.

    FI and I are in the process of buying our first house, and I expect all our savings to go into the down payment. We are paying entirely for our own wedding, so we budgeted for what we could afford.

    Because of this, we can't afford to go on a honeymoon right after our wedding. The week after our wedding we're going to the beach with my parents, the way we do every year. We're thinking of making our "honeymoon" a group vacation that a number of our friends are planning for next year, because that way we can afford to go somewhere nice if we share a lodge/condo with some friends.

    Am I sad I can't go on a honeymoon immediately? Yes, a little. Am I going to shake down my friends and relatives because I "deserve" a nice private vacation? HELL NO.
    Yes yes yes. We are in a similar situation because of finishing up school and going job hunting, and while it would be nice to do something right after our wedding, we're being grown-ups about it and putting it off until we're in a position to afford something ourselves. I like the idea of a group trip!
    Inkdancer
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    @kasmith1 - my rice cooker is the most used appliance in my home. I had one in college (only appliances with auto shut-off were allowed in the dorm rooms), and I used to make the tastiest dinners in it. Rice dishes, pasta dishes, I even figured out how to steam cakes and things. It was also really convenient for reheating more delicate dishes (like seafood) rather than using the microwave. I want to upgrade from my current 3 cup machine when I actually have the space for it.

     

    @offthemarket915 - I hate how people keep telling me I'll make money on my wedding. Like, seriously? Is that the only reason to have a wedding, to make money from your friends and family or invite strangers just so you get gifts from them? Might as well just panhandle since there's less of an upfront cost!

    ~*~*~*~*~

    Kauris
  • @cookiepusher, I hear you.  I wondef if people would say such things if they knew how déclassé they sound. 

    I'm generally cynical, but am enough of a romantic to have the crazy notion that a wedding should be about many things, none of them involving gleefully wringing our hands and cackling over a calculator, lol.

  • Thanks, I would probably actually use it since FI is from Spain, and if there is one thing I've learned, it's that Spaniards love rice, ham and seafood!
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    @cookiepusher, I hear you.  I wondef if people would say such things if they knew how déclassé they sound. 

    I'm generally cynical, but am enough of a romantic to have the crazy notion that a wedding should be about many things, none of them involving gleefully wringing our hands and cackling over a calculator, lol.

    I hadn't read cookie's comment and was so confused as to why you were talking about doing math at your wedding. Who would think that? Apparently I have finals brain. (It is definitely a thing).
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2014

     

    @cookiepusher, I hear you.  I wondef if people would say such things if they knew how déclassé they sound. 

    I'm generally cynical, but am enough of a romantic to have the crazy notion that a wedding should be about many things, none of them involving gleefully wringing our hands and cackling over a calculator, lol.

    Honestly, I've met some people where I'm pretty sure they DID cackle over a calculator when figuring out how much they'd receive in gifts....
    kasmith1 said:
    Thanks, I would probably actually use it since FI is from Spain, and if there is one thing I've learned, it's that Spaniards love rice, ham and seafood!
    One of my favorite, lazy-night meals is making rice, and when it's almost done, laying a couple of sausage links on top. You could probably do the same with diced up ham or leftover seafood. The fat helps to flavor the rice but the steaming doesn't over-cook anything. I just did this last week with some Chinese sausage and a piece of leftover fish. My lazy self sat on the couch and ate right out of the pot! heh
    ~*~*~*~*~

    Kauris
  • Honeymoon funds are so tacky. Ick. I wish there was a polite way to tell people not to brings gifts or cash. Just show up and celebrate with us. We don't need anything and getting gifts makes me really uncomfortable.
  • KatWAG said:
    Setting asisde how tacky a HM registry is, I still dont understand why a mom would register for her daughter's sexfest?
    I never had an issue with HM registries (I didn't do one or anything), I just love experiences over material things, so I thought they were cool, but when I learned that there were fees associated or the B&G just got cash, it changed my mind a bit.  I do give cash at every wedding, but I like knowing that I just gave cash and I wasn't manipulated into giving it.

    Is it just me or do I not really think of a honeymoon as a sexfest?  I mean, unless you didn't have sex before the wedding, maybe, but it's just a vacation to me.  I do find having your mother register for you in general is weird, but honeymoon =/= sexfest in my eyes.


  • wamboy said:
    On what basis are people saying that a honeymoon fund is rude.  If you have an established home, should you put together the registry anyway and return items for the money?  Is that what you are recommending?  How is a honeymoon fund any more rude than a registry?  Either way your asking for money.  How is a honeymoon fund any more rude than a money dance at a wedding?  If you think a honeymoon fund is rude, explain the etiquette basis for it.  Otherwise, if you are taking that stand, then you should accept no gifts or money from anyone, you shouldn't do a registry, and you should probably not accept financial help from parents for the wedding.  Face it people, if you do any of these things your asking for money, just because we've come to accept them as normal doesn't mean that isn't what they are.  This one is just new, doesn't make it more or less rude than what your already doing.
    A HM fund is rude because you are manipulating your guests into thinking that they are buying you a dinner for 2, when really they are just getting a check minus a transaction fee. 

    It's rude to register for gifts, to just in turn return them for cash because that is also very manipulative.  If you don't want any gifts and you just want cash, just don't register for anything.  People are smart enough to know what that means.  But, it's always nice to register for a couple nice things in case people want to buy you an actual gift.  

    And money dances at weddings are TERRIBLY rude.

    Finally, a lot of couples don't get any help from parents for their wedding.  

    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore
  • I also take the stand that "having all you need" hardly means that you get to create a luxury registry.   If you're so well off that there is NOTHING that you and your FI can register for then just don't register.    

    A honeymoon is a luxury.   I don't want to buy you a luxury anymore than I may want to buy you high priced registry items.     Similarly, DH and I lived together for a year before tying TK.   We chose a China pattern, flatware and upgrades to items that we had.   These are things that we use as we set up our home and continue to use 6.5 years later.     

    If a high end vacation and that experience is what you want, knock yourself out.   I want to contribute to your marital home and not to something that is short term.  
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    wamboy said:
    You don't get to decide if a money dance is rude or not, in Italian, Hispanic, and Jewish cultures it is normal and not rude, to me it is, to others not.  Chinese cultures has the red envelope ceremony.  My point is, rather than sitting on a moral high horse and dispense things as rude or not rude, you should just decide not to participate and keep your opinions to yourself, unsolicited advice is offensive and rude as well.
    Yep, we sure do have the red envelope ceremony. And many Chinese-Americans choose not to adhere to it. I will have a tea ceremony at my wedding, wear a qipao, and will have some Chinese touches to my decorations, but I drew the line at the envelopes. While I understand and appreciate my heritage, there are some things that we don't feel the need to continue. After all, no livestock changed hands when FI and I got engaged either.
    ~*~*~*~*~

    lc07PrettyGirlLostMaggie0829cupcait927
  • A traditional registry is not asking for cash. It lets people know your bathroom is green, your kitchen is blue, your bedroom is brown, and the things that would be appreciated to set up housekeeping. If a couple registers for a waffle iron at bed bath & beyond and I have one shipped to them, they get a waffle iron - EXACTLY WHAT I BOUGHT THEM. If a couple registers for a couples massage on their honeymoon registry they will get a check minus a service charge - EXACTLY WHAT I DID NOT BUY THEM. I've seen brides gush about registering for a honeymoon when their true intent was to replace the roof on their house with the money. Deceitful much? Yes. Like Banana said, if you don't need anything that is fine but that doesn't mean you should register for what is REALLY cash under the guise of events and excursions on your honeymoon. From your strong reaction, I am wondering if you have a honeymoon registery..
    lc07grumbledore
  • wamboy said:

    @cruffino For the love of Pete, please don't tell me I am making sweeping cultural generalizations.  I have a large number of Italian, Hispanic and Jewish friends and they have always had money dances at their weddings, just because you haven't doesn't mean it isn't cultural to others.  Generations of weddings have had these within my circle of friends.  On what basis is it decided a honeymoon fund is bad etiquette, haven't seen anyone establish that yet.  You people espouse your opinions as etiquette as though you are an authority.  Your opinion is not an etiquette rule and just because it offends your sensibilities does not make it rude.  But what ANY manners and etiquette guide would tell you is that giving your opinion when not asked for it is rude, so therefore, no one should ever be posting to this or any board with out some sort of back up for their statement also being posted.

    Several people have explained the basis for, and sources of etiquette to you in this thread and the other (about kilt attire). You don't want to hear it because you're caught up in your super special bride day. Have fun with your shitshow.
    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore
  • wamboy said:
    On what basis are people saying that a honeymoon fund is rude.  If you have an established home, should you put together the registry anyway and return items for the money?  Is that what you are recommending?  How is a honeymoon fund any more rude than a registry?  Either way your asking for money.  How is a honeymoon fund any more rude than a money dance at a wedding?  If you think a honeymoon fund is rude, explain the etiquette basis for it.  Otherwise, if you are taking that stand, then you should accept no gifts or money from anyone, you shouldn't do a registry, and you should probably not accept financial help from parents for the wedding.  Face it people, if you do any of these things your asking for money, just because we've come to accept them as normal doesn't mean that isn't what they are.  This one is just new, doesn't make it more or less rude than what your already doing.
    Oh FFS.  Let's take these one at a time

    1.  One should never return a gift bought from a registry, unless it was a duplicate.  It's deceitful and rude, much like a honeymoon registry.

    2.  If you already have an "established household" and don't need/want anything, then don't register.  

    3.  A registry is somewhat like a FAQ for people who want to buy you things.  I want to purchase new sheets for a couple, their registry tells me what size bed I should buy for and what color matches their decor.  A honeymoon registry pretends that I'm buying them some great experience, but really I'm just writing them a check (and possibly paying a fee to do so).  That's deceptive.  And stupid.  I know cash is a great gift, everyone knows cash is a great gift.  I don't need to be told cash is a great gift.  It only comes in one color.  And I really don't appreciate part of my gift being paid to a third-party processor, that's just a waste of my gift.

    4.  Accepting a gift and asking for cash are not remotely the same.  Although I suppose since you seem to buy into the "Gimme gimme, I'm a bride" thing, from your perspective I suppose in either case you're still getting things.  Taking a step back and considering OTHER people though, there's a huge difference to the gift giver.

    5.  As far as accepting help from parents.  Again, graciously accepting a gift (like an offer to fund a portion of a wedding) is very different than asking someone to give you money.

    6.  Money dances are rude.  No one should have to open their wallet at your wedding.  I certainly hope you aren't also having a cash bar or having guests pay for any  other portion of a party that's supposed to be a thank you for them attending your wedding ceremony.


    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    cruffinoxhellokittyPrettyGirlLost
  • wamboy said:
    @cruffino LOL very eloquent speech from someone SOOO concerned about etiquette.  I am not wrapped up in any way with my wedding, it is very simple, not showy, not expensive, and it is all about us getting married.  If were up to me I'd have eloped because I HATE and DESPISE what people like you and the other judgemental people on this board have turned a wedding into.  Yet again, no one has explained the basis other than to say it breaks etiquette, where is your proof?  I'm suppose to take your word for it.  Pish Posh, no thanks, anyone who thinks they can disseminate their opinion as fact is clearly confused and not worthy of being trusted.
    What precisely have people here turned a wedding into?  We merely suggest that brides take their guests' comfort and feelings into consideration.  We go against the grain of pointing out that, no, the day is not all about you.  You are inviting the people who are nearest and dearest to you, so why not treat them with the respect they deserve?  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @wamboy (and others in defense of honeyfunds), so what is it that makes a honeymoon registry so much better than leaving things alone and ending up getting cash (in the full amount intended, no less)?

    I used to think they were a good idea. I actually started one the first time I was engaged. I now get why they are rude and pointless. It's been explained on here why it's rude and pointless time and time again. What is it that you aren't getting?
  • sofakingmadsofakingmad member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    wamboy said:

    @NYCBruin Doing a honeymoon fund is not disrespectful in and of itself.  LYING is!  Big huge gaping difference.  People can't make blanket statements about everyone who participates in them or what they are all like based on one experience or thought.  I am not offended by them and I asked people to explain the difference between that and registering for gifts or doing money dances, etc.  As of yet, no one has posted anything from an etiquette "authority" establishing that is breaks etiquette and is in fact considered rude. What people have turned weddings into is a fiasco!  Who said that day was all about the Bride anyway, its about the couple and the special and important people to them.  If those people aren't offended then why should you be, YOU WEREN'T INVITED!  If you have to worry so much about etiquette, then your probably throwing a huge outrageous wedding just to be showy and haven't invited only the most important people in your life who you can be blatantly honest with but instead invited a bunch of people you now have to worry about offending.

    You say that the wedding is about the couple and those people close to the couple, but yet you will ask a guest to leave if they don't dress in a costume to match your theme?

    Ok.

    banana468APDSS22KeptInStitchescupcait927
  • wamboy said:
    @NYCBruin Doing a honeymoon fund is not disrespectful in and of itself.  LYING is!  Big huge gaping difference.  People can't make blanket statements about everyone who participates in them or what they are all like based on one experience or thought.  I am not offended by them and I asked people to explain the difference between that and registering for gifts or doing money dances, etc.  As of yet, no one has posted anything from an etiquette "authority" establishing that is breaks etiquette and is in fact considered rude. What people have turned weddings into is a fiasco!  Who said that day was all about the Bride anyway, its about the couple and the special and important people to them.  If those people aren't offended then why should you be, YOU WEREN'T INVITED!  If you have to worry so much about etiquette, then your probably throwing a huge outrageous wedding just to be showy and haven't invited only the most important people in your life who you can be blatantly honest with but instead invited a bunch of people you now have to worry about offending.
    Oh dear.  For starters, thanks for the wonderful attacks on our wedding.  I really appreciate the assumption.  We do care about etiquette, which is precisely why our wedding won't be showy.  Pretty much all of our decisions have been based off of "what will the guests like most".  It's not about worrying about offending people, it's about taking care of the people we care about most.  

    Your lack of concern for offending your guests suggests that you do NOT care about them.  It's pretty shitty to say "oh we are so close that they would tell me if they were offended so I can treat them like dirt."

    Besides, unless you are a mindreader (and if you are, by all means, please find a more useful way to use this gift than to justify money grabbing), you have no idea whether anyone is offended by your honeymoon registry or your money dance. 

    Asking for money is rude.  

    Lying is rude.  Honeymoon registries by their nature are rude because you are suggesting that guests are buying you "experiences" but in fact you are just receiving money.

    This isn't that hard.

    Now, please explain why you want a honeymoon registry.  I truly do not get the point of them.  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • @wamboy
    How could you possibly know who'll you'll be offending with your dress code? You said it yourself that it's rude to tell someone they're being rude. Strangers on this board are giving you unbiased advice. Your friends and family will just keep it to themselves, then talk behind your back.

    You said you chose not to elope. As a result, you have the responsibility as a good hostess to treat your guests well. That means not telling them what to wear. Or deceiving them with a honeyfund.

    The only fiasco here is that you're unwilling to hear anything outside of your own opinions.
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    wamboy said:
    @FiancB Because where has anyone posted something from an etiquette "authority" showing it is rude?  Not a single person has.  Just because someone says "It breaks etiquette and is rude," and a 1,000 people jump on that bandwagon doesn't make it so.  If you can't back up your statement with proof, you shouldn't say it.
    I haven't seen anyone post something like "because Miss Manners/Emily Post/whatever said so". I have seen reasons, including the following:

    1) it's deceitful- even if you intend to use it for what you say it will be, the cut is taken and the person that writes the check isn't even having all that money go to you, nor is it directly buying anything. The descriptions like "bottle of wine" or "snorkeling with dolphins" are meaningless and a waste of time.

    2) It does not solve the problem of people that want to give gifts over cash. If people are really set on giving physical gifts, they will either only give to your honeyfund because they've been tricked into believing they're giving concrete gifts or they will ignore it, again making it rude in the former scenario and pointless in the latter.

    3) It's telling people what to give. People know that almost everyone would love to receive cash. It's a big duh. A regular registry gives ideas for decor, things that are needed, and avoids multiples of the same items. Cash is cash and nobody's going to be upset to get, say, two checks for the same amount, nor does it come in a mismatched color nor wrong size.

    3) I suppose the only "because etiquette says so" is that asking for money is rude but that is as much of a given as other universally rude things like talking about politics in mixed company or telling someone they need to lose weight. It is not on par with something more frivolous like making sure that you tip your soup bowl away from you as you eat it. 

    Someone else said a good example that many people receive help with their weddings. They aren't rude because they didn't ask for it. They would be extremely rude if they demanded their parents throw them a big party. I for one did not ask for any help, didn't receive help and will therefore be having a simple wedding (and honeymoon!) that I can afford. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • wamboy said:
    @NYCBruin If asking for money is rude, so is registering, it is the same thing!  Either way people are shelling out money.  Not all honeymoon funds operate the same, so do your research.  Additionally, we aren't doing a honeymoon fund, but I am still not offended by them.  It's not shitty to say we are close enough to be able to be honest with one another.  My family operates the same whether it is a wedding or a bbq, we are always honest!  We aren't putting on airs because its a wedding.  Our wedding is very simple and down to earth and we communicate with all our guests.  I have not done a single thing that is shitty to my guests or family and we don't talk behind each others backs we say it to each others face.  But thanks for assuming that we are all assholes, so polite of you!
    @cruffino It's not unbiased advice its unsolicited opinions.  Give me one piece of proof that a honeymoon fund is rude.  One link, one writing, one anything from someone other than people on this board and I'll be open minded about hearing.  Short of that, its opinion.
    Can you not read or are you just too lazy to do so?  There have been multiple posts explaining the difference between a traditional registry and a honeymoon registry. 
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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