Poll: The first time...

SwedishChick2011 · February 2010

Part of me is just curious, and the other part of me is wondering if the timing of this has anything to do with the chances of having a lasting relationship.

alixzafiris · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:a4f6dd89-2aec-4c69-a432-61077df00d8a">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and my first french kiss was in France. Ooh la la.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

Yeah? Well MY first French kiss was with a FRENCH DUDE!

Well... okay, no. A Quebecer... but that's close, no? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

SarahPLiz · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:db321c9c-1abb-4156-b266-94d86498eda8">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : I'm there with you. I'm allergic to latex, spermicidal and lubricant. Also, most soaps irritate me. FI can no longer use Irish Spring. I have always just not had sex with people until they go to the doctor and get tested for STDs. Do you know how hard it is to find a latex free non-lubricated condom?
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

There are polyeurethane ones now, but they haven't been fully tested. FI bought them, but I'm too scared to use them.

goheels05 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:db321c9c-1abb-4156-b266-94d86498eda8">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : I'm there with you. I'm allergic to latex, spermicidal and lubricant. Also, most soaps irritate me. FI can no longer use Irish Spring. I have always just not had sex with people until they go to the doctor and get tested for STDs. Do you know how hard it is to find a latex free non-lubricated condom?
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

Bless you, child.

AmoroAgain · February 2010

I think this post is really indicative of the gender divisions we have in society. Men would be rushing to say they had sex ASAP while women have to defend and justify their decision to have sex when we did. It's interesting.

I had no illusions at that point that Allen and I were going to get married. I just hadn't had sex in a long time and was horny.

kate51485 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:9098ae1b-3feb-4f08-9c91-d6fa3b13dd6c">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : Yeah? Well MY first French kiss was with a FRENCH DUDE! Well... okay, no. A Quebecer... but that's close, no?
Posted by alixzafiris[/QUOTE]

Oui oui!

kate51485 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:1fd9d68a-4401-4b0c-99d2-24deff30523f">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this post is really indicative of the gender divisions we have in society. Men would be rushing to say they had sex ASAP while <strong>women have to defend and justify their decision to have sex when we did. </strong>It's interesting. I had no illusions at that point that Allen and I were going to get married. I just hadn't had sex in a long time and was horny.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

True. But I also find it interesting that none of the waited/waiting til marriage people have revealed themselves. Is there some societal standard that says don't be a hoar, but too prude-y is bad too? So wait a few weeks or months and make sure you state it when you talk about it?

ac_in_dc · February 2010

I think the kind of people that wait to have sex are also the kind of people that are more naturally discreet and less likely to answer a poll like this.

TheBeckmeister · February 2010

FI and I are waiting until marriage.

mandysmear · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:a78bdd67-e29f-4d21-ac40-ab0667ae4c60">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]We waited about two weeks too. When it all went down, it was akward as well. We just couldn't find our rhythm and the condom wouldn't act right. We almost gave up. haha It's comical to think about it now - then, not so much.
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" /> erm... um... well then.

gross.

goheels05 · February 2010

In the past, waiting til marriage brides have been very vocal. There's a thread over on Chit Chat about it right now.

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:863e570e-24f0-4ca5-b90d-bd168aad0ac4">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : True. But I also find it interesting that none of the waited/waiting til marriage people have revealed themselves. Is there some societal standard that says don't be a hoar, but too prude-y is bad too? So wait a few weeks or months and make sure you state it when you talk about it?
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

I really think the standard is changing. I used to be in the 'wait until marriage', but then I hit like 16 and got super horny. I made it until 19 before I gave in. However, I never had any interest in slutting it up. Sex was really special to me, just not to the point where I felt the need to only be with one person my entire life. With that said, I still only had 2 partners.

I think there's been a large enough shift where it's acceptable for women to own their sexuality-to a degree. I hope that the trend keeps changing to where we don't have to defend our choices. But then again, personally, I hate to see sex thrown around as something so caviler and meaningless.

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

There was a post like this sometime this past year. The waiting till marriage girls were getting really holier than thou and one girl was like...you go ahead and wait for marriage. I'll be over here gettin some. I loved that quote.

NuggetBrain · February 2010

About 5 months into our relationship. But that's because I still had my V card, and he didn't want me to feel rushed into anything so he actually never brought it up and let me set the pace for things. I was super nervous and had worked myself up into a mental tizzy with these horrible ideas of searing pain and bloodsoaked sheets.

Morfudd · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:863e570e-24f0-4ca5-b90d-bd168aad0ac4">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : True. But I also find it interesting that none of the waited/waiting til marriage people have revealed themselves. Is there some societal standard that says don't be a hoar, but too prude-y is bad too? So wait a few weeks or months and make sure you state it when you talk about it?
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

Well, we were... but we knew it didn't fit with our religious views and just... had other things going on religiously at the time such that we didn't care. Since then we've both put a lot of effort into abstaining and waiting until our marriage. I was putting off answering the poll, though, because I didn't want to sound preachy.

The first time was about two and a half months after we started dating, but we were apart for a month.

I'm pretty surprised it happened that quickly; it was his first time and he was far firmer in his faith than I was at the time; you'd think that since the guy I had been dating previously had manipulated me into sleeping with him, I'd have been really skittish, but I think I was angry at him and used T. to "get back at him".

AmoroAgain · February 2010

I think there IS a bit of a stigma for waiting for marriage people. You have to be able to "defend" it right. Either you're really religious and believe in waiting, or you just don't have a "good" reason according to the masses. It's more of an it's better to admit to having sex (with justifications and defenses) sooner rather than later kind of thing.

temerityjane · February 2010

1st date, but in my defense... I have no defense.

lpstl · February 2010

We technically slept together before our first date.

Yeah, I outwhore all of you.

(But, in my defense, we had known each other for 8 years, he asked me out on a date while we were at a party one night, I just decided to take him home with me that night and test out the goods. We went on our first official date about a week later)

laurenclaire1386 · February 2010

I just cannot wrap my mind around the concept of not having sex before marriage. I also can't wrap my mind around not living together before marriage. I'm not saying my way is the right way to do things, but I think of it like test driving a car. I would never in the hell commit thousands of dollars to something I had no experience with.

Stackeye210 · February 2010

We had been dating for about 6 months before we had sex because we really felt strongly for each other and wanted to take things at a snails pace to make sure it all worked out. I then got pregnant within the first month of having sex with him. So much for the snails pace.

lizstill13 · February 2010

2 weeks. After 1 week he said he wouldn't have sex with someone he wasn't in love with. A week later we were spewing the L word and giddy.

We also knew each other from high school but probably talked a total of 10 mins in 2 years (he was 2 grades above me).

sarahmk5 · February 2010

I'm in the same boat as Morfudd. We had sex 5 months into our relationship (first time for both of us) and continued to for a couple years. We haven't in about 3 years, though, since we've both gotten a bit more religious and decided to wait. It also coincided with when we decided we'd eventually get married, so that was a factor, as well.

laurenclaire1386 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:6bf865fb-92d1-49fe-ae7d-aabad753675c">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]We had been dating for about 6 months before we had sex because we really felt strongly for each other and wanted to take things at a snails pace to make sure it all worked out. I then got pregnant within the first month of having sex with him. So much for the snails pace.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

I stalked your bio the other day. It was so nice to read a story about people who dealt with things, in what I consider, the best way possible. I've known so many girls that accidentally got pregnant, got married, and were divorced a few months after the baby. Getting pregnant doesn't mean you HAVE to get married. It's cool that it worked out that way for you, but I think it was really smart of you guys to get married because you wanted to and not so you could "do right" by soceital standards.

kate51485 · February 2010

Coco's OP said she was "wondering if the timing of this has anything to do with the chances of having a lasting relationship."

I think there are probably a lot of couples who wait til marriage and then it doesn't last because they are not physically compatible which leads to not being emotionally compatible. I would be so pissed if that happened to me.

saschaduran · February 2010

Our actual first date was a lunch date. Our official first date was 6 days later and I gave it up. So I clicked first date.

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:85f4bf71-4841-447c-ba17-254f5087375b">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]I just cannot wrap my mind around the concept of not having sex before marriage. I also can't wrap my mind around not living together before marriage. I'm not saying my way is the right way to do things, but I think of it like test driving a car. I would never in the hell commit thousands of dollars to something I had no experience with.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I still don't know how I feel about living together before marriage (for myself). I just feel like it might have pushed things back, made it easier to not really want to get married, etc. I know a lot of that is leftover rantings of "Why buy the cow when the milk is free" that I got from my dad growing up. Since we're in an LDR, we didn't have a chance to live together first. I'm glad the decision was taken away from me.

Morfudd · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:85f4bf71-4841-447c-ba17-254f5087375b">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]I just cannot wrap my mind around the concept of not having sex before marriage. I also can't wrap my mind around not living together before marriage. I'm not saying my way is the right way to do things, but I think of it like test driving a car. I would never in the hell commit thousands of dollars to something I had no experience with.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I can see where you're coming from, it does require a very different world view from the one in which I grew up (remember, I'm a convert to Catholicism, I was raised without any religion). We live a fifteen-minute walk away from one another and have dinner together every night, help one another out with chores and handiwork and so forth-- so I, for one, feel like I know what I'm getting (he claims he'll be a better housekeeper when his flatmate cares about cleanliness: if he is, it will be pleasant, but he's perfectly fine as he is.) If we weren't so close, I'd be nervous.

My best friend is very preachy on both these subjects, and can drive me a little nuts.

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:35b7ee6c-ec2f-409e-8a6e-b0242a7ddfc2">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]Coco's OP said she was "wondering if the timing of this has anything to do with the chances of having a lasting relationship." I think there are probably a lot of couples who wait til marriage and then it doesn't last because they are not physically compatible which leads to not being emotionally compatible. I would be so pissed if that happened to me.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

But can't you tell if you have sexual chemistry with someone without actually giving it up? I mean, I dated guys where I knew there was no chance because I didn't feel anything when we kissed or fooled around. Wouldn't/shouldn't that be a good indicator? (not judging or arguing, asking for other view points)

kate51485 · February 2010

As for living together, I'm just glad that the first few weeks of getting used to each other will not be the same first few weeks of the 'honeymoon' stage. Because it's NOT all honeymoonish sometimes, no matter how much you love the person, getting used to all their quirks. I am SO glad that we know how each other works already and won't have kinks to iron out as soon as we are married. I think that would take a lot of excitement out of it.

golden1215 · February 2010

temerityjane- amen sister!

IMO sex is too important of an aspect of married life to wait. A very good friend of mine waited for marriage, only to find out about 1 year into her marriage that her husband was gay- eventually discovered because he couldnt keep it up and was just totally disinterested in any sex w/ her. Now, I realize this is VERY extreme but, its one case where not waiting would have saved her (and him) a lot of heartache and embarassement.

You can learn to become a better lover, but you cant force sexual chemistry that might just not be there.

Stackeye210 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:deb8cfd6-5887-485f-9cdf-5d220ef55052">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : I stalked your bio the other day. It was so nice to read a story about people who dealt with things, in what I consider, the best way possible. I've known so many girls that accidentally got pregnant, got married, and were divorced a few months after the baby. Getting pregnant doesn't mean you HAVE to get married. It's cool that it worked out that way for you, but I think it was really smart of you guys to get married because you wanted to and not so you could "do right" by soceital standards.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Thanks! It was so hard to do too because both of our moms were putting MAJOR pressure on us to get married. My mom was so mad at me after Jocelyn was born because I gave her Mr Stacks last name and we weren't married yet. We also didn't move in together because I was pregnant either. The last thing I wanted to do was commitment by conception. Of course it was SO scary being pregnant and technically "single" - but pressuring an already stressful situation would have been the demise of our relationship for sure.

MIL would tell us every.single.day that she hoped neither of us died before the wedding day because we would most certainly not be forgiven for our sins.

I'm SO glad that is all over!

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