Wedding Etiquette Forum

MIL vent-need fresh opinions

I've had it up to here with MIL. I've come to discover how passive aggressive she is. Today is just one example of it. I am looking for jobs every. single. day. I (like most unemployed peopl) are not having the best of luck. She keeps sending me all these things like...have you heard of Monster. com? Are you sure you're looking in the right places? And she keeps sending me job links. The latest? An $8.00 an hour mail room clerk. Requirements? Some high school. I'm sorry, but I cannot support a family of 2 on $8.00 an hour.

She has been bugging the shiit out of me about goign ot the new city with me to 'help' me look for a job. Well, I DON'T want to go with her, one because she's a negative Nancy and I can't be alone with her for 2 days and two because she would be all 'This is where you need to go/see/do...but of course it's your decision, do what you want....but this is what you NEED to do. My mom offered quite awhile ago to go with me and i've been really looking forward to spending 2 days alone without H or my dad. She's been super busy and just hasn't had a chance to go yet. Well, this morning, she sent my mom a  FB message saying, I know you said you would go with her, but you haven't yet, so I'll be more than happy to go". Maybe it's just me, but to me, that sounds like she's trying to be a bit of a bully and being snarky with my mom. I also feel like she's gone behind my back.

I just really needed to vent because H wont be home until late tonight and my mom is hosting a party today. And I have no friends here.

I could use some perspective because I know I'm biased and here lately anytime she calls, I get a little eye twitch. Was she even sorta over the line? Considering I've told her time and time again that I'm looking forward to going with my mom?
"In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions

  • If my MIL contacted my mom and said something like that, I'd definitely have something to say back. She has NO ide what your mom's schedule is like, and just because she hasn't done it right.this.minute. doesn't mean a dang thing. I'd make sure to bring it up to MIL and tell her AGAIN you are looking forward to alone time with your mom, and you don't need her to go with you, thankyouverymuch.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:f279d803-8aec-4398-ac50-e69606743596">MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've had it up to here with MIL. I've come to discover how passive aggressive she is. Today is just one example of it. I am looking for jobs every. single. day. I (like most unemployed peopl) are not having the best of luck. She keeps sending me all these things like...have you heard of Monster. com? Are you sure you're looking in the right places? And she keeps sending me job links. The latest? An $8.00 an hour mail room clerk. Requirements? Some high school. I'm sorry, but I cannot support a family of 2 on $8.00 an hour. She has been bugging the shiit out of me about goign ot the new city with me to 'help' me look for a job. Well, I DON'T want to go with her, one because she's a negative Nancy and I can't be alone with her for 2 days and two because she would be all 'This is where you need to go/see/do...but of course it's your decision, do what you want....but this is what you NEED to do. My mom offered quite awhile ago to go with me and i've been really looking forward to spending 2 days alone without H or my dad. She's been super busy and just hasn't had a chance to go yet. Well, this morning, she sent my mom a  FB message saying, I know you said you would go with her, but you haven't yet, so I'll be more than happy to go". Maybe it's just me, but to me, that sounds like she's trying to be a bit of a bully and being snarky with my mom. I also feel like she's gone behind my back. I just really needed to vent because H wont be home until late tonight and my mom is hosting a party today. And I have no friends here. I could use some perspective because I know I'm biased and here lately anytime she calls, I get a little eye twitch. Was she even sorta over the line? Considering I've told her time and time again that I'm looking forward to going with my mom?
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    Do you still live at home, and why isn't your H reigning his mother in?

    PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm sure in her own mind, she is just trying to help.  Now that doesn't mean that you have to cave to her offers to help.  If you don't want her to go, don't go with her.  Tell her no thank you, even if you have to keep saying it over and over.  And try to get your Mom to go ahead and schedule the trip with you.
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  • See, my mom doesn't want me to say anything. If I tell MIL that mom sent it to me, that all seems very childish and puts mom in a bad spot. She just sent it to me for me to kinda...interpret? It sounded weird to mom, but she wasn't sure how to take it.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I would have H tell her, nicely, to please STFU.

    Ultimately, she means well.  I would probably do some serious ignoring and changing of subjects.
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  • That would drive me nuts!  You have my sympathies.  She may have gone a little over the line, but maybe she's just very eager to go with you (since she knows best and all).  Try to put a positive spin on her intentions (she really wants to have some bonding time with you, maybe) but still put the kibosh on her plans.  Sorry - that's gotta be rough on you. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:6ef65cb2-4bd4-4af6-a32f-b80dd30042bb">Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MIL vent-need fresh opinions : Do you still live at home, and why isn't your H reigning his mother in?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
    No, we don't live in her house or anything, but we do live in the same town as her. And this particular thing has nothing to do with H. It's between me and her. H steps in when necessary, but this  is my own 'battle' to fight, so to speak.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I'm sure she thinks she is being helpful.  But I really don't get how one's MIL would be helpful in finding a job.  I can relate to the whole passive agressive thing..love my FMIL but she has her "Marie Barone" moments (from Everybody Loves Raymond?)  She says things to be "helpful" but they come across condescending and mean.

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  • Well that is true. I can see that.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:7c9964e5-bd2b-42de-b935-e8ace17d6c11">Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would have H tell her, nicely, to please STFU. Ultimately, she means well.  I would probably do some serious ignoring and changing of subjects.
    Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]
    From the begining, I've thought this is something I needed to deal with on my own, that I didn't need to get H involved. What in the world would I have hims say? I don't want to seem like I need him to come to my rescue, but if this is something that he really should be taking care of, I want to be aware of that...
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I would say something to her, but not mention her message to your mom. Your mom can message back herself and say that you two are still planning on going. Alone.
    7/10/10 imageDandy
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:b1ae4c7e-a35b-42af-b912-61f93624027d">Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sure she thinks she is being helpful.  But I really don't get how one's MIL would be helpful in finding a job.  I can relate to the whole passive agressive thing..love my FMIL but she has her "Marie Barone" moments (from Everybody Loves Raymond?)  She says things to be "helpful" but they come across condescending and mean.
    Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]
    That's exactly it. And she would be NO helpt to me, but my mom honestly would be. We are moving ot Huntsville, AL and it's obviously a huge NASA area. My mom is a science teacher and is NASA certified, so she has a lot of connections down there. MIL just isn't understnading that.

    I do know she means well, which is why I normally brush it off and just roll my eyes. This just seemed to really cross the line to me, going behind my back to my mom.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:9f553232-d185-4079-8b6d-da20775556bd">Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would say something to her, but not mention her message to your mom. Your mom can message back herself and say that you two are still planning on going. Alone.
    Posted by mandybear7[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  I wouldn't mention her message to your Mom because that puts your Mom in a bad spot.  It sounds like you just need better methods of blowing her off, vaguely accepting her advice ("oh thanks, i'll give that some thought") and changing the subject, and just straight up saying "no seriously, thank you but I'm going with my Mom as soon as she is free to go". 

    It might be weird to have your H step in but if your MIL does or says any of this stuff in front of him, then he definitely should put her in her place.  He probably could tell her that you have it under control and that he is perfectly capable of taking care of you both for now while you find a job, and not to worry, etc.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:825cb6c3-ac8e-4e10-ac78-990644931ba0">Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions : From the begining, I've thought this is something I needed to deal with on my own, that I didn't need to get H involved. What in the world would I have hims say? I don't want to seem like I need him to come to my rescue, but if this is something that he really should be taking care of, I want to be aware of that...
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    You're married.  Family battles are joint now, not individual, IMO.  I think she'd be more likely to listen to her son, and I think he needs to go to bat for his wife.  Obviously whatever you're doing isn't helping anything, and hearing it from him, too, might help her get the picture. 

    I'd just have him say something like, "We are thankful you want to help, but Julia has a plan and is doing everything she can.  Your emails are really stressing her out and not helping the situation.  We'll let you know if we need your help with this."
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  • L-BrideL-Bride member
    500 Comments
    edited June 2010

    Maybe she's concerned and just wants to help? It may feel passive aggressive because your employment situation is really none of her business but maybe she just has too much time on her hands. Does she not work? She may be trying to do something constructive, although she is stepping on toes while doing it.
    I would say something about her contacting my mom, not in a negative way. You could say "My mom said you offered to help me find jobs in town. That's so nice of you but we made a date to go! I'll let you know how it goes."
    I'm sorry your MIL is driving you nuts Frown

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-vent-need-fresh-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cecc62f6-1340-4c68-a639-5ba9b5d4cd7bPost:a3d0a5fd-abe7-475c-a68c-e587fbc108d4">Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIL vent-need fresh opinions : You're married.  Family battles are joint now, not individual, IMO.  I think she'd be more likely to listen to her son, and I think he needs to go to bat for his wife.  Obviously whatever you're doing isn't helping anything, and hearing it from him, too, might help her get the picture.  I'd just have him say something like, "We are thankful you want to help, but Julia has a plan and is doing everything she can.  Your emails are really stressing her out and not helping the situation.  We'll let you know if we need your help with this."
    Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

    I guess I still have to learn that battles are joint. The way we've been treating the bigger ones is whoever it pertains to fights it. Little annoyances, H usually deals with, but things like her bugging me about the job, I've dealt with. He isn't trying to shirk his responsibility or anything, I just haven't let him say anything. He's always willing to go to bat for me, she annoys him just as much as she does me.  If it doesnt stop, I will have him take over. He does have more experience dealing with her after all.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I think you have shown a lot of patience in this situation, more than I would have.
    And while I understand you feel your H has nothing to do with this, his mom is being overbearing towards you and you are a family now. When my parents start saying things that get to Dh I step in. When he was looking for a new job my dad did the same thing "have you looked on this site" "oh look here's a job I found for you" etc, and I told him he needed to back off.
    Similarly when his family start to bring up 'Why aren't you pregnant yet?" or stuff that I haven't gotten to around the house, he steps in because they are his family and he's used to dealing with them.
  • Thanks so much for the advice. Mom wasn't planning on responding, but I called her and asked her to respond. She just said that she's really looking forward to spending that time with me, as we haven't had any mother/daughter time in a long time. We went ahead and planned to go right after the 4th. Hopefully this will get her off my back on that front. I can still ignore all the job idea emails.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • Katie, I can't imagine someone asking why I haven't gotten around to something at the house. How presuptious. I just learned a lot of patience with her dealing with the wedding. And honestly, I anticipated a LOT more interference than this. I figured she would be over here all the time and calling 10 times a day. Well, she calls about twice a day, but has only come over once. But these are the reasons we're moving 5 hours away the second I get a job there. We both have to get away from her for our sanity.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • Yeah, painting is the one that triggers me the most. My parents came and helped me (Dh had to work) paint the three bedrooms and the kitchen the day we closed. Sil said not to worry because she would come by after we moved in and she and Dh would get the living room, dining room and entry way done.
    2 months later and she asks if the other rooms are painted yet, and why we haven't done it. Um, maybe because you said you would do it, and now it involves moving a lot of heavy furniture so I haven't gotten around to it yet?
  • My mom did this exact thing to my FI last year when he was laid off. Emailing job ads to us, cutting out newspaper ads for him, and CONSTANTLY asking about how it was going.

    We actually sat down with her and told her exactly how intrusive and overbearing she was making herself look and asked her to stop. When she protested to say that she was "just trying to help," we told her that the best help was going to be to leave it alone. When she protested again, we told her not to be surprised if we hang up on her and/or stop coming around until FI secured a new job.

    She never said another word about it.
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I definitely think it OK to have H step in on this one. My future parents in law and I haven't always had the smoothest relationship, but FI has been great about lettting them know (or me on a couple occasions) that they've gone over the line.

    His calm, reasonable demeanor has really helped to cool off some situations.
    Lizzie
  • I think I should mention that "sit-down" conversation with my mother came after several other failed attempts to explain to her nicely that her help wasn't necessary.
  • I would say:

    "MIL, I know you're trying to be helpful.  But, it's really become very hurtful.  I'm doing the best I can to look for jobs, and I'm looking in all the right places.  I've talked to friends who work in various industries here, people with connections in Htown and I'm doing all the appropriate networking - both in person and online.  If I need any help, I'll be sure to ask.

    As for going to Htown with my mother, I'm very, very hurt that you interfered.  I have such limited time to spend with her, and she and I have been planning this for some time.  In addition to job searching, it's an opportunity to spend some time together, just the two of us, which we haven't gotten to do since [high school/etc.] and are unlikely to get to do again any time soon. 

    Finally, please refrain from making plans with, for or about me without my involvement."

    And then I'd be out the door.  And I wouldn't answer the phone either. 
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  • I have no idea what the background to this is and I haven't read the other posts, but just from what you posted -- it sounds like she's trying to be helpful. Maybe she doesn't know what she's doing (or what you're looking for), but from what you posted alone, I don't see anything wrong with anything she's done. I don't get any bullying or snarkiness from her post. And I think it's actually very kind of her to offer to go with you (unless, again, there's a hell of a lot more background here that you didn't post).
  • I would block her email from my account... as I know I would read the emails and get riled up on a daily basis.... and not answer the phone when she called. 
    This doesnt mean I would ignore all contact her, but it would be on my terms, when I was ready to deal with her, as opposed to feeling like she was intruding into my day. 

    No matter how much you TELL her that her help is not HELPFUL, I dont think that someone like this will get it.  This is her way of being helpful.  Sad, but true.

    You cant change her, but you can change how you deal with her.  Don't read or answer her emails.  If she calls, let it ring and call her back later in the day.  As soon as she starts with the "have you done this" head her off at the pass and change the subject entirely. 
  • My FMIL did the same thing with my FI and we just accepted it.  He wasn't unemployed, but underemployed and just recently got a great job.  I don't know why you would want your mom or your MIL to go with you to look for jobs.  I can't see how that would be helping.  Emails are something different.  I think the only reason why your H should get involved is because it's his mom.  I don't deal with my FMIL because it would just get nuts. 

    If not that, just explain to her that $8.00 an hour, plus expenses of gas, etc. is not enough to keep a family of two afloat.  Some people think that any job is better than nothing, but I don't know...if it costs more to travel there your paycheck there aren't many purposes of taking the job.  Let her know maybe what you ARE looking for or let her know again that you are actively searching.  I'm sure she means well, but it's too stressful to have "helpful" suggestions when you are really trying hard.
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  • kmj500kmj500 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    At least she is trying to help...but I know how annoying it can be. I'm a recent college grad and also having trouble finding a job. My FMIL went behind my back and told my fiance that she didn't think that I would ever get a job. Luckily I have a fiance that is completely on my side and stood up for me saying it's none of her business. I try to look for positives in her behaviour/comments and from this one I figure she's going to look awful foolish when I do get a job. If I'm not working for a year out of the next 40-50 years of my life, who cares?

    To deal with her behaviour, we decided on boudaries we needed to set with her. My fiance confronted her and said if she wanted to remain in our lives, the following are none of her business, and we would like the opportunity to make our own mistakes in life - our finances, our jobs (or lack thereof), how we raise our future children, and how we decide to live our lives. She wasn't too happy about us setting these boundaries, but this was no surprise as she always gets her way. It has been a lot less stressful since we decided to do this and we haven't fought about her since then.

     

  • This thread is 3 years old. Please let it die.

  • @kmj500 you have resurrected a three year old post. She hasn't been active on the boards in over two years.  Please don't bring back such old posts.
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