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Wedding Etiquette Forum
JJJ625
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HM Registry... WHY is it rude?
I know that the general concensus around here is that a HM registry is considered rude. I have asked a few friends of varying ages about their thoughts on it, and no one seems to think there's anything wrong with it.
My thoughts are that making it known you want an experience or a service is no different than making it known you want an item. I've read on here that people take issue with the fact that the giver can't be guaranteed that the check from the registry company will really be used for a massage or kyacking or whatever. But someone who gives a vase from Macy's (or whatever) can't be guranteed that it won't be returned for shoes.
So, WHY is it considered rude?
My thoughts are that making it known you want an experience or a service is no different than making it known you want an item. I've read on here that people take issue with the fact that the giver can't be guaranteed that the check from the registry company will really be used for a massage or kyacking or whatever. But someone who gives a vase from Macy's (or whatever) can't be guranteed that it won't be returned for shoes.
So, WHY is it considered rude?
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Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?
Why is it rude to expect someone I'm close enough to to invite them to my wedding to believe me?
Many of these sites take a portion off the top. Your guest gives $50 but the site takes $5 so you get $45. What the hell? They could have just given you $50 cash.
Many sites also just cut you a check at the end (with a portion missing, of course) and your guests think they gave you a nice dinner on the beach and what you actually got was less than they gave and maybe you didn't even eat dinner.
If you want money, just have a small, real registry. Asking for cash - in whatever format - is really rude. Please don't make me say why - there's a huge thread on "Registering and Gifts" that goes over this right now.
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[QUOTE]But, like I said, would it be "lying" if I decided to return a toaster for a blender? <strong>Why is it rude to expect someone I'm close enough to to invite them to my wedding to believe me?</strong>
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
It's not about whether <em>you</em> are lying, the website is lying. People think they are buying you an excursion when in fact they aren't which is a lie.
Example (although admittedly not perfect): I order a toaster and the website delivers a blender. That's not what I paid for and that's not what I wanted to give them. I would be upset if this happened as I'm sure many guests are if/when they find out the truth about honeymoon registries.
I think that some of the animosity also comes from the idea that wedding gifts were traditionally given as a way to help a couple set up their new lives together. Although values have changed and many couples choose to live together before marriage and may not "need" to "set up their household", the idea behind the gift still remains, I believe. It is better to simply let the givers give you cash than to ask them to fund your trip.
[QUOTE]I know that the general concensus around here is that a HM registry is considered rude. I have asked a few friends of varying ages about their thoughts on it, and no one seems to think there's anything wrong with it.<strong> My thoughts are that making it known you want an experience or a service is no different than making it known you want an item</strong>. I've read on here that people take issue with the fact that the giver can't be guaranteed that the check from the registry company will really be used for a massage or kyacking or whatever. But someone who gives a vase from Macy's (or whatever) can't be guranteed that it won't be returned for shoes. So, WHY is it considered rude?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Problem is that your guests are not buying you an experience or service. They are giving cash to a website, who in turns cuts you a check minus any fees. Why do you need some gimmicky website collect cash for you. Don't your guest know how to put cash/check in an envelope and give it to you directly?</div><div>
</div><div>Most HM registries are deceitful because you are misleading your guests into thinking they are buying you an actual gift when in fact you are getting a check.
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It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
So, ten posters have given you reasons, but you're still set on it. Why did you even ask?
Asking for cash is always rude. Always.
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
Plenty don't do this. They think that their loved ones would have the sense enough to not register for something that takes a cut off the top.
And if you ARE getting cash then it is rude. Just like it's rude to register for something only with the intention of returning it for something else or cash.
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
Oh goodie. Another poster who wants what she wants, doesn't listen to valid arguments against it, and says "To hell with my guests money! It's their fault they don't know how it works!" Why post? Why waste our time?
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
So why even ask?
(edited)
[QUOTE]I asked because I was hoping for a reasonable answer that would give me a differing opinion. (duh.)
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
So the fact that it is a straight up lie, isn't reasonable enough for you? Interesting....
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
[QUOTE]I asked because I was hoping for a reasonable answer that would give me a differing opinion. (duh.)
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
You got it. But, I have a feeling that you just wanted to ask a controversial question, listen to the answers, but had no intention of changing your mind because you're doing a honeymoon registry no matter what we said. It works for you, it sounds awesome for guests to pay for your honeymoon and to hell with everything else.
Congrats. Enjoy your honeymoon.
[QUOTE]But, like I said, would it be "lying" if I decided to return a toaster for a blender? Why is it rude to expect someone I'm close enough to to invite them to my wedding to believe me?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
Its deceptive.
If you registered for a toaster, then returned it for a blender then, yeah, I would be, like, WTF, I got you a toaster that YOU said you wanted. Unless there was a duplicate gift situation or it broke.
Did your dinner for two break?
And my most hated TK party line is the one about not paying for your sex vacation. I don't know about everyone esle, but I did a lot more than sex on my HM.
However, for me, it would also be about the fact that there are many people out there that do consider them to be in poor taste. For that reason, I wouldn't do a HM registry because I wouldn't want to turn any of my guests off.
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Oh. I understand all of the cons, but for me the bottom line is that if I care about you enough to go to your wedding, I care enough about you to get you what you really want. And if what you really want is for me to go to some website and pretend to buy you a massage, then great. That's a whole hell of a lot easier than going to target and fighting the crowds anyway.
Some people want to give you a gift for your house and to make sure you get things you want to keep, definitely do a "traditional" registry at BBB or Target or something. I would personally feel weird writing a check for someone my age as a wedding gift, but I have "bought" something off a HM registry for a friend's wedding.
You and FI decide to go to Mexico for honeymoon, but don't have enough budgeted to pay for meals the whole week there and fun trips to swim with dolphins or go hiking. "Oh," you think, "I will just register for these dinners and events on a HM registry." What happens if none of your guests have decided to pay for a meal or an excursion? Do you get on the plane to Mexico and just keep your fingers crossed that you can eat cheaply enough on your own dime? Hope that you can find excursions to participate in that you will enjoy and that you can pay for on your own?
If you register for a vase and don't receive it, you say "Oh, well, I can live without this vase or purchase it later." If you register for a candlelight dinner and don't receive it, especially if you can't/don't want to pay for it on your own, do you just not eat dinner?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude? : Excellent point. OP, you clearly don't give a shiit what proper etiquette dictates, so why come to E just to be contrary? That's dumb. I hope everyone ignores your HM registry.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow. I care what proper etiquette dictates, but I find myself not really having a strong opinion on honeymoon registries because there seems to be a decent amount of gray area. Not everyone is a troll, okay? I was skimming, but I don't think I even saw her say that she had a honeymoon registry. I've asked the same question and I'm not even engaged.
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[QUOTE]Eh. I actually don't really care about HM registries. I think the fact that most places take a cut is shitty, but otherwise, it just doesn't bother me. And my most hated TK party line is the one about not paying for your sex vacation. I don't know about everyone esle, but I did a lot more than sex on my HM. However, for me, it would also be about the fact that there are many people out there that do consider them to be in poor taste. For that reason, I wouldn't do a HM registry because I wouldn't want to turn any of my guests off.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
<div>All of this. I really don't care about honeymoon registries other than the fact that they're only beneficial to the companies. If you "don't want to fund a sex fest" then don't use the website, geez.</div>
[QUOTE]SilverLining, you should probably read the whole thread. OP clearly is doing a HM registry and doesn't care about any of the answers she got to her question. <strong>She was rude in her responses and basically looking for someone to validate her idea (which didn't happen).</strong>
Posted by nhahn2206[/QUOTE]
<div>I would mostly disagree.</div>