Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes t

mwiederhold · April 2012

When a rehearsal dinner occurs during the week (yes, theres work early the next day) and is located over an hour away and when said parties are NOT EVEN IN THE WEDDING PARTY but acting as an usher, should we be forced to attend?

WE got married last summer and DID NOT have a rehearsal simply b/c we did not want to impose on people in asking them to take time out of their schedules to travel so that we can show them something they have known since infancy - "walk".

I understand the reason is also to spend time w/ family and wedding party, yeah yeah, yeah... but for Christ Sake, we'll see you and spend time with you at something called your WEDDING in a few days.

- I expect alot of attention hungry bridezillas to hate me for this, so just bring it!

adamar15 · April 2012

No one can force you to attend. If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to.

Also, calm down. This is not that big of a deal.

em01092 · April 2012

It's an invitation, not a subpoena. You don't have to attend.

Ok you're both right, really. A R and RD are never "required." People do know how to walk. However, if you have a R, I feel that you should host a little something for those who came but it does not have to be a full dinner. And sometimes a ceremony can be complicated and warrant a little instruction beforehand. They may not be having as simple of a ceremony as what you had.

There is no rule saying that an R and RD can't be on a weekday. The couple just has to accept that some people cannot attend. Same goes for the actual wedding. So yes, the bride is correct to invite anyone who is participating in the wedding, which would mean ushers too.

rlavach · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:686911fc-b32b-48fc-85d3-7dec26525e43">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]No one can force you to attend. If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to. <strong>Also, calm down. This is not that big of a deal.</strong>
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it's really NBD. My rehearsal is during the week because that is the only time we can get in our ceremony venue. Because we have several BP members who don't speak English & have never been in a wedding in the US, we felt it necessary. The ushers will attend also. Ours will be at 9:45p since that's the earliest we can get it, but is no more than 30min from everyone & shouldn't last more than 20 minutes. <div>
</div><div>If you don't want to go, don't. Then just make sure to be early to the ceremony so another usher can fill you in. I really do NOT think this is an event centered around giving the bride attention. Seriously.</div>

AceTT · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:686911fc-b32b-48fc-85d3-7dec26525e43">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]No one can force you to attend. If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to. Also, calm down. This is not that big of a deal.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
All of this.

My sister is a BM in our cousin's wedding this October. The wedding is on a Saturday in OH and my sister lives in SC. The rehearsal and dinner are on Thursday. My sister is going to try to attend the rehearsal but most likely will not be able to as it would mean both she and her BF will have to take BOTH Thursday and Friday off from work. Our cousin completely understands and knows that my sister will be able to figure out "how to walk" (as you put it) without attending the rehearsal.

Long story short - if you're unable to make it to the rehearsal and dinner, oh well. The bride and groom will survive and I'm sure your absence will not disrupt the actual wedding.

redheadfsu · April 2012

You can decline.

I bet the bride was trying to be nice and include you. Just decline for freaks sake.

adamar15 · April 2012

No, Red, she was obviously trying to be the BIGGEST AW EVAR!!!!

specialk84 · April 2012

Our rehearsal and RD were on a Friday. We invited the entire WP, our immediate families, and our OOT guests. No one was forced to attend. Several did not. No one's feelings were hurt.

Calm the eff down. If you can't (or don't want to) make it, just decline the invitation.

AceTT · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:77eed025-b431-4a09-a7e0-fab0b1b787d7">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yeah, it's really NBD. My rehearsal is during the week because that is the only time we can get in our ceremony venue. Because we have several BP members who don't speak English & have never been in a wedding in the US, we felt it necessary. The ushers will attend also. Ours will be at 9:45p since that's the earliest we can get it, but is no more than 30min from everyone & shouldn't last more than 20 minutes. If you don't want to go, don't. Then just make sure to be early to the ceremony so another usher can fill you in. <strong>I really do NOT think this is an event centered around giving the bride attention. Seriously.
</strong>Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]
I completely agree. Rehearsals and accompanying rehearsal dinners are extremely common; they are not done to have "YET ANOTHER event all about the bride." Isn't the event about the groom, too? I mean... I would think he'd be at the R and RD.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

I don't really like any of your options, to be honest. I also don't think an hour away is that big of a deal, either, but I'm not going to jump all over you and freak out about how wrong you are. You are entitled to your own opinion, but you have to be prepared to accept that some people (the bride and groom whose wedding this actually is) might be upset with you. What isn't important to you MAY be important to someone else.

ETA: I agree with everyone else that an invitation is not a subpoena. You don't HAVE to go, but it sounds like you are trying to make this all about you, when it's not.

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:33d11f1a-fbd7-46bb-b75b-962c8309eda2">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]No, Red, she was obviously trying to be the BIGGEST AW EVAR!!!!
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

Sh!t, I forgot. Brides are always <em><strong>EVIL!!!</strong></em>

AceTT · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:33d11f1a-fbd7-46bb-b75b-962c8309eda2">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]No, Red, she was obviously trying to be the BIGGEST AW EVAR!!!!
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
Somehow I feel like OP is the biggest AW ever; hence the italics, bold, underline, etc.

lyndausvi · April 2012

Umm. I didn't feel like I was squeezing out extra attention by having a RD. It gave us more time with our family and friends. In our case except for a friends everyone else lived plane rides away from us.

If you can't make it to the RD, no big deal. I just can't get the outrage of ::gasp:: hanging out with friends twice in one week.

musicalsunlight · April 2012

I don't really think it is an event "all about the bride". My RD certainly wasn't. And it isn't just to show people "how to walk". We actually solved a few logistical issues and helped clear up questions during the rehearsal for my WP, so it was helpful. Not everyone needs one, but it can be helpful. Ushers don't NEED to be there, no. But you are overreacting. The RD is just a fun time, I think. No attention whoring.

mica178 · April 2012

It depends. For ushers, I don't think the rehearsal is necessary, so it's a-okay to decline to attend the RD.

adamar15 · April 2012

My RD was definitely not a fun time. It was spent trying to avoid questions as to where my mom was, since she was dealing with the fact that my little brother had just gotten busted with pot. Not fun times at all.

Megan+Adam · April 2012

WHAT A BITCH!!!!! HOW DARE SHE OFFER TO FEED YOU DINNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?

specialk84 · April 2012

I like Megan.

chelseamb11 · April 2012

It really depends on the ceremony. If it's as simple as walking up front and standing there, rehearsals aren't that necessary, but I can see why they're still done. Other ceremonies are a lot more in depth with stuff. Our ceremony has a lot of stands/sits/moves/etc, so our rehearsal is actually required by the church. The rehearsal is to, ya know, rehearse so that the wedding goes smoothly. It's not about giving the bride more attention.

As for your usher question, sometimes ushers have extra tasks depending on your venue. Our ushers need to know when to open/shut the doors, when to usher parents in, how to let people out the pews for communion, etc. Again, it depends on the kind of ceremony that they're having.

And I agree. If you don't want to be there, then don't go. It's pretty simple. No need to get your panties in a twist over it.

Edited for punctuation

mwiederhold · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:686911fc-b32b-48fc-85d3-7dec26525e43">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]No one can force you to attend. If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to. Also, calm down. This is not that big of a deal.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

Yes it is! according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!

sparent2010 · April 2012

Calm your tits. It is a dinner you don't have to go.

rlavach · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:0ea906e5-c2a2-44fe-999f-4f84fa7c5867">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]WHAT A BITCH!!!!! HOW DARE SHE OFFER TO FEED YOU DINNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Posted by Megan+Adam[/QUOTE]
Haha, that was awesome. <div>
</div><div>We weren't intending on having ushers there either, but my DOC insisted because we have an aisle runner that will be rolled out during the ceremony & wanted to make sure that they knew where to go & stuff. She's actually going to be 'running' the rehearsal & telling everyone where to go, so mine is REALLY not about me :)</div>

adamar15 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is! according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

Try acting like an adult and just tell them you're sorry, but you're unable to attend. If they can't understand that, it's their problem. I would suggest not talking to them in exclamation points.

AceTT · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is! according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]
Drama Llama!

specialk84 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is! according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

<div>You're an adult. You can decline the invitation.</div>

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is! according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

Have you nicely explained that you have work the next day and that all the travel required would mean you would get in late, thus you would be too tired for work and you can't do it?

What do they say to that?

mwiederhold · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:075f2964-849e-4eb3-8e75-1199087d6719">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Somehow I feel like OP is the biggest AW ever; hence the italics, bold, underline, etc.
Posted by AceTT[/QUOTE]

No, Honey... I didnt have a rehearsal dinner and didnt even have a bachelorette party due to time constraints. I dont think that defines a AW so that must say alot about your stupid ass---assumption!

chelseamb11 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is! according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

Methinks <em><u><strong>YOU</strong></u></em> are making a bigger deal out of it than <em><u><strong>THEY</strong></u></em> are.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

You have two options:

a) decline the invitation
b) let your family guilt you into going

You need to make a decision, stick to it, and stop complaining about it.

But I have to ask why are you so dead set against going?

strlzfan11 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:da903adc-87bd-4f2d-9b35-6487769447f8">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Or spin class. Don't worry. There's one later, too.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

DED!

Totally OT, but Pittsburgh Dad also has a FB page you can check out.

mwiederhold · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:b241f355-cb47-4364-b280-88954bee2851">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Have you nicely explained that you have work the next day and that all the travel required would mean you would get in late, thus you would be too tired for work and you can't do it? What do they say to that?
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I rise at 545am, husband rises at 500am - my commute from NYC is one hour, his is 20 minutes. we start work at 7am and 730am and get home at 5pm and 7pm. The hearsal (starts at 730) is over an hour away, possibly 2hrs with NY traffic. After the church the dinner will go from 8pm to 10pm and then there's the 1 hour + drive home. Our family is fully aware of our schedules and the sister is demanding that her brother (my husband) attend regardless of what his daily work schedule is like. when we explained our day in full detail yet again, the response was "So, cant you just come"?

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