Not Engaged Yet

Am I engaged? Opinons needed!

I'm absolutely crazy in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and we have been talking about marriage for awhile now. We have lived together for 2 years and in 2009 we bought a house together. I just graduated from college and got a job offer, and the week after he told me he wanted us to go look at rings together! We made it a special day on Sunday and went to brunch before heading to Jared's. We both had so much fun and picked out both our rings, the sales lady asked when we would be buying and he said it was really important to him that he still surprise me. So she put everything on file and all he has to do is come back when he is going to buy and I wouldn't be notified. I'm absolutely excited, we are going to Europe for a month in September, I have a little feeling he may be proposing then. But am I engaged? When I toId my best friend over the phone she squealed and told be congratulations, but I was confused because I didn't really think of myself as engaged. I can't help but get excited and start looking, but have been feeling a little silly about it. Should I feel weird about planing without a ring on my finger? Even before we went and looked at rings I've been completetly open with him about my wedding ideas and even have bought some magazines...he actually smiles and says its cute. What do you think?

I feel in love with August 20th, 2011!!! I'm hoping we will make this our date after he proposes. It has such a sweet ring to it =)

Vanessa

Anniversary
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Re: Am I engaged? Opinons needed!

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-engaged-opinons-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3dad7660-ca9a-4ee3-b560-58f6bdc9cb82Post:36574f01-3c88-4f67-bd64-8059c3850afa">Am I engaged? Opinons needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm absolutely crazy in love with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and we have been talking about marriage for awhile now. We have lived together for 2 years and in 2009 we bought a house together. I just graduated from college and got a job offer, and the week after he told me he wanted us to go look at rings together! We made it a special day on Sunday and went to brunch before heading to Jared's. We both had so much fun and picked out both our rings, the sales lady asked when we would be buying and he said it was really important to him that he still surprise me. So she put everything on file and all he has to do is come back when he is going to buy and I wouldn't be notified. I'm absolutely excited, we are going to Europe for a month in September, I have a little feeling he may be proposing then. But am I engaged? When I toId my best friend over the phone she squealed and told be congratulations, but I was confused because I didn't really think of myself as engaged. I can't help but get excited and start looking, but have been feeling a little silly about it. Should I feel weird about planing without a ring on my finger? Even before we went and looked at rings I've been completetly open with him about my wedding ideas and even have bought some magazines...he actually smiles and says its cute. What do you think? I feel in love with August 20th, 2011!!! I'm hoping we will make this our date after he proposes. It has such a sweet ring to it =) Vanessa
    Posted by Vanessa&Tony[/QUOTE]

    This weekend has been too long.  Someone else answer this.  I might come back to it in the morning. 
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You need to talk to your BF. My guess though is that you are not engaged. You went and looked at rings thats not the same as being engaged. A ring isn't required to be engaged but it is required that you be on the same page about everything as your BF. Other people do not decide the status of your relationship, that is something you and your BF do together.

    But really you need to stop what you are doing until you talk to him. Its one thing to day dream about things but picking out a date without any input from your BF and without knowing if you are engaged? Yeah, that borders on BSC to me.

    If I were you I would just chill out with the wedding stuff and enjoy your relationship as it is right now. It doesn't sound like you are engaged to me but if you go talk to your BF and you both decide otherwise then by all means come back and tell me I'm wrong.

    Also don't try to guess when he will propose it will just ruin big events and holidays that otherwise would be great because you set yourself up for disappointment. Just relax for now.


  • edited December 2011
    Everyone has different opinions, but I think in this situation you are not really engaged... I'd say when he proposes, then you're engaged since it sounds like he's planning on surprising you and proposing.

    Second, focus on the marriage, not the wedding and the nice ring August 20th has to it. 
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Awwww, you're adorable.




    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    What is BSC? And do you have to be so rude!?? There are nicer ways of responding.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-engaged-opinons-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3dad7660-ca9a-4ee3-b560-58f6bdc9cb82Post:cdd9cc97-a615-46af-a5e0-381e1e3315b2">Re: Am I engaged? Opinons needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]What is BSC? And do you have to be so rude!?? There are nicer ways of responding.
    Posted by Vanessa&Tony[/QUOTE]


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    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Bat Sh!t Crazy...and I thought I was pretty nice. oh well...that my honest opinion


  • edited December 2011
    Okay...but I told you our situation and asked a simple question. You do not know every detail of our relationship and the numerous conversations we've had together about marriage and children. I thinking picking out rings together is closer than some and I may not be technically engaged, but I don't think I'm crazy. We've had converstations about which months we think would be good to get married. Even discussed a Febuary wedding, because we thought Costa Rica would be a nice spot for a honeymoon during its dry season. Like I said, my boyfriend knows I like to plan and he knows I have this site. If he had a problem with it, he would have told me.

    If you read my post correctly I said I was confused by my friends reaction, because personally I don't feel engaged, but I just asked if I SHOULD feel silly for planning. And there is nothing wrong with dreaming...I love him SOO much and constantely think about how amazing its going to be when we finally are married.



    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-engaged-opinons-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3dad7660-ca9a-4ee3-b560-58f6bdc9cb82Post:e1f76086-46cf-4af5-a504-72d34e7d08de">Re: Am I engaged? Opinons needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay...but I told you our situation and asked a simple question. You do not know every detail of our relationship and the numerous conversations we've had together about marriage and children. I thinking picking out rings together is closer than some and I may not be technically engaged, but I don't think I'm crazy. We've had converstations about which months we think would be good to get married. Even discussed a Febuary wedding, because we thought Costa Rica would be a nice spot for a honeymoon during its dry season. Like I said, my boyfriend knows I like to plan and he knows I have this site. If he had a problem with it, he would have told me. If you read my post correctly I said I was confused by my friends reaction, because personally I don't feel engaged, but I just asked if I SHOULD feel silly for planning. And there is nothing wrong with dreaming...I love him SOO much and constantely think about how amazing its going to be when we finally are married.
    Posted by Vanessa&Tony[/QUOTE]

    I think you need to read Jeana's welcome post.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-engaged-opinons-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3dad7660-ca9a-4ee3-b560-58f6bdc9cb82Post:e1f76086-46cf-4af5-a504-72d34e7d08de">Re: Am I engaged? Opinons needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay...but I told you our situation and asked a simple question. You do not know every detail of our relationship and the numerous conversations we've had together about marriage and children. <strong>Oh good lord, I didn't say you shouldn't get married. I said I didn't think you were engaged.</strong> I thinking picking out rings together is closer than some and I may not be technically engaged, but I don't think I'm crazy. We've had converstations about which months we think would be good to get married.<strong>I can only go by what you post and you decided to omit this information.</strong> Even discussed a Febuary wedding, because we thought Costa Rica would be a nice spot for a honeymoon during its dry season. Like I said, my boyfriend knows I like to plan and he knows I have this site. If he had a problem with it, he would have told me.<strong>How awesome for you. Would you like a cookie?</strong> If you read my post correctly I said I was confused by my friends reaction, because personally I don't feel engaged, but I just asked if I SHOULD feel silly for planning.<strong> I don't think there is a need to plan before you are engaged so I think you should hold off (as I said in my post)</strong> And there is nothing wrong with dreaming <strong>did I not say there was nothing wrong with day dreaming</strong>...I love him SOO much and constantely think about how amazing its going to be when we finally are married. <strong>we all love our BFs, FIs, Hs and its awesome you want to marry him but I don't think you are engaged. </strong>
    Posted by Vanessa&Tony[/QUOTE]

    So...to sum things up:
    1) If you are confused about if you are engaged or not the perfect person to ask that question to is your BF...not internet strangers who do not know you or the details of your life.

    2) From what you have posted, no I do not think you are engaged


  • edited December 2011
    I read the welcome note and it was good information. Thanks for the suggestion. But it said this is a place we can go for advice and that's what I did, and now someone is being completely rude to me...how is that encouraging for people to seek advice. There is always a nicer way to say things, and I'm sorry but I have better morals than that.

    I get it! I'm not engaged. But I am so very happy for the progress we are making.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-engaged-opinons-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3dad7660-ca9a-4ee3-b560-58f6bdc9cb82Post:b8191168-c8a9-4b99-9d8f-7356fc5ee5e5">Re: Am I engaged? Opinons needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I read the welcome note and it was good information. Thanks for the suggestion. But it said this is a place we can go for advice and that's what I did, and now someone is being completely rude to me...how is that encouraging for people to seek advice. There is always a nicer way to say things, and I'm sorry but I have better morals than that. I get it! I'm not engaged. But I am so very happy for the progress we are making. My boyfriend just called from his trip and asked what I was doing...my reply "Oh, planning our wedding on the knot!" He laughed. Guess I will have to find another forum where girls gush about their men! =)
    Posted by Vanessa&Tony[/QUOTE]

    Try brides.com
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The picture in your sig is taking up my entire screen.
    "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." -Ray Bradbury 
  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Oh come ON. This isn't even good MUD. 
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  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so lost...what is MUD?
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-engaged-opinons-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3dad7660-ca9a-4ee3-b560-58f6bdc9cb82Post:22ecbbdb-5265-47ba-bad3-7770bca0a5cb">Re: Am I engaged? Opinons needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm so lost...what is MUD?
    Posted by Vanessa&Tony[/QUOTE]

    You didn't read the welcome note very well, the first thing it says is to lurk.

    MUD = made up drama.

    If you'd lurked even for a week you would see all the red flags in your post. I think if you'd posted this during a more active time you would have been flamed a ton.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    But I really came on here being honest. And really told my story. I was just hoping to find some comfort and meet people who were excited too. That is why I posted on the Not Engaged Yet forum. I'm just trying to introduce myself and have advice, and be apart of it. I'm really exited to be with him.

    I've read it a billion times so I can do this correctly. And it says to post and vent, and people can talk you out of your craziness. I took the ticker off...I understand that it was overboard. And I probably did go overboard with it all...I can't be the first girl to have done this when they're are crazy in love. And I'm really bored while he is gone.

    I don't know what else to say?

    Anniversary
  • zipis1zipis1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ...if you think Beth was rude, you'd better be glad Mutely was too tired, cuz Beth was pretty polite.

    I agree that no, it does not sound like you two are engaged, but if you want to be sure you should ask your BF/FI. Neither we nor your friend can determine the status of your relationship, but you and your BF/FI can. I would also say that if you feel silly looking stuff up right now, you should hold off until you know for sure what the status of your relationship is. My BF and I have also gone and looked at rings and talked extensively about marriage, but we will not consider ourselves engaged until he proposes. That's something we talked about and agreed on together.

    I'm kinda confused as to why you're so defensive, though. No one said that you two weren't madly in love or anything, or that you have to have a ring to be so. If that were the case I and many of the girls here would have no idea what to make of our relationships.

    So to sum things up, ask your BF/FI. Just a quick, casual, "Hey babe? I just wanted to ask to be sure. Are we engaged now or should we hold off on that title until you propose?" would do the trick.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    Whatever...I'm going to bed. This isn't what I expected...I don't even know why I bothered.
    Anniversary
  • zipis1zipis1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What did you expect? I'd like to know. Though I would guess you wanted us to tell you that you are engaged. Sorry to say but we don't know that. We're not in your relationship.

    I don't mean this in a snarky way at all, but it's really not that hard to ask your BF/FI where you stand (or shouldn't be if you're ready for the marriage step). I did it, and I'm sure others here did it.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    I wasn't accusing anyone of saying we weren't in love. I was upset about being called crazy, because I just wanted some advice and I've said it "I get it, I'm not engaged". But thank you, I will ask him when he gets back. I'm sure it will make me feel better. Goodnight



    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I guess maybe I'm fearing that it will be a no if I ask him what he thinks...maybe I want to feel like I'm engaged. It's hard when you've been through so much with someone and you're just hoping for that moment. I swear I was being honest...and I feel a little lost. I think probably because of the baby thing, I'm trying to find comfort somewhere, and I thought a wedding and marriage would cure these feelings. All my friends are married and sometime I feel like it's hard talking to them, just was hopeing maybe some people know what I'm going through.

    But you guys are right, I should really talk to him.

    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    And yeah, I guess I was hoping people would tell me that. The way my friend reacted, well it felt good. I did tell her calm down the ring isn't on my finger.

    But that's why I'm here...and I was just trying to say that I don't think being rude really gets through to people. I am real with real problems and I'm in love. And want to do whatever possible to keep it.



    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
  • zipis1zipis1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Most of the girls here know what you're going through as far as the excitement. It's why we're here. However, while it's OK to be excited, it's kinda something you need to temper lest you become BSC (and note I'm not calling you that, and Beth didn't either. What she said was essentially, "Slow down a notch until you figure this all out." It's the ones that don't slow it down that get the side-eye and end up considered BSC).

    And if it is a no, so what? I know it'd be exciting to be engaged now, but to loosely quote Jeanna, enjoy this time you have now. Enjoy the excitement and anticipation without letting it turn into agonizing anxiety. Once the proposal happens it's gone and won't happen again, and then you're stuck planning a wedding and worrying about stuff you know darn well is too stupid for the amount of stress it causes yet you're stressing over it anyway.

    If it's a no, you still know the proposal's coming. Let it come on its own accord.

    And aside from all that, I also want to ask: have you been to counseling about the miscarriage? If not please consider it. While they're wonderful, weddings and marriage are not cures for anything, especially not that; they would just be patches. You need to heal seperately from those things, and that's something only you can do within yourself.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    I don't see how anyone was initially being rude to you.  I don't think Beth said you were crazy, but that planning before an engagement comes off as bordering on crazy.  At that point you hadn't said that you weren't alone in planning, so people can only respond to what you write and can't read your mind.

    I personally think you received good responses.  It sounds like you and your bf have been through a lot together.  But he will propose when he is ready...it's not your job to make things happen.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    this is actually a really fun board and the ladies here have tons of great advice but they are honest. You will need to get thicker skin to stick around. Those of us who aren't engaged yet would love to be engaged to the men we love. But we know that its better to be patient and enjoy the now in our relationships. If you ask him if he considers you and him to be engaged and he says no it won't be the end of the world, I promise. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to marry to, it just means he wants to wait until he proposes.

    My friends are getting married left and right as well, does it bug me sometimes? yeah, it does. But that doesn't mean that my relationship with my BF is less meaningful it just means that we are living our life according to what is best for us. Everyone gets married at different times in life, thats just how it is.

    And I get the friend's reaction as well, I have friends where every time I ask them guess what they ask if I'm engaged. I would love to be able to say yes but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna jump the gun with everything.

    Anyways all we are saying is that you should talk to your BF and no matter what the answer is (even if its no) he still loves you. And that holding off on planning might be a good idea...but if your BF is fine with it then do whatever. We are just random people on the internet we will never know the details of your life so we really can go only on details you provide and we do tend to be brutally honest at times.


  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, we considered it, but I'm not covered and he offered to pay, but I felt guilty because he already pays for the mortgage and paid for my tuition my last semester, and he just always pays for everything, and he never complains. I feel like it's not his responsibilty because we're not married, before I met him I was on my own and just feel like I don't want to be that pathetic girl who needs a man to take care of her. I did just got a job offer last week and all my background checks should be done this week, but there is a grace period before I can get it. Should I let him pay or wait until I'm covered?



    Anniversary
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Do you attend a church? Is there a minister you could talk to for free? that could be a good option until you can pay for it. I think it would be great if you could pay for it together and maybe go together? Since it was his child too (thats how I read it) he could be feeling a great loss as well.


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