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Wedding Etiquette Forum
melb2013
member
Is this rude?
Here's a little back story. I am one of four bridesmaids in an upcoming wedding. We'll call the other BMs A, B, and C. The bride wanted a shower, so her mother is paying for the bulk of the costs, but the BMs are in charge of favors, decorations, and games. BM A lives in CA (we all east coast people) and announced she couldn't afford to fly in for the shower, so she would not be contributing. BM B is local to the bride and the shower, but she emailed all the bridesmaids to say that she was very busy and didn't have time or money to contribute to the shower. BM C just had a baby and is understandably a little MIA. That leaves me. So I felt badly that no one could contribute and have taken on the rest of the shower planning (and the costs!) myself.
Now the bride has decided she wants a bachelorette party. Nobody offered to throw her one, she just wants one. BM A and BM C have already told her that they can't come. That leaves me and BM B. If BM B didn't have time to plan a shower, I'm sure she didn't volunteer to organize this either. I'll be damned if I'm organizing something else by myself- but the bride has no problem doing it all herself. Now am I wrong that the bride is rude for expecting these parties and then planning it herself? Is there any subtle way of explaining that if nobody offers to throw it for her, then she just shouldn't have the party? FYI she basically did the same thing for the shower.
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
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Re: Is this rude?
For the bach party I would simply tell the bride that you will not be able to throw her one. If she wants to look tacky and throw herself one I don't think there is much that you can do about it.
You're completely right that if no one offers you don't get these parties, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have been disappointed if no one offered to throw me either.
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"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
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May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so. She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together.
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation. </strong> I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little. If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so. <strong>She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together. </strong>
Posted by cosmogirlWed144626[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I did too, which is why I've taken on everything for the shower.</div><div>
</div><div>She'll plan this, but she's not going to pay for anything. I'm sure we'll all end up paying for ourselves and spliting the cost of the bride.</div><div>
</div>
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
[QUOTE]I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation. I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little. If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so. She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together.
Posted by cosmogirlWed144626[/QUOTE]
I didn't get a shower or a bach party. Somehow, I ended up still married at the end of the day. <div>
</div><div>It's a bummer for sure, but people have lives, yo. Theirs doesn't end because of a brides expectations.</div>
Wedding stuff.
I would just tell her that you're honored to throw her shower, but you aren't able to do both that and the bachelorette party, and since you aren't able to attend the bachelorette, you'll let the other bridesmaids take over there. Then if she throws a party for herself, she will have to deal with it when no one shows up.
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
Wedding stuff.
I tried this with a bride. Either she didn't post here or she posted and only listened to that one poster that comes in and says "it is your day! Do what you want!"
At least you are staying at her house, so the cost isn't outrageous.
Can you do something at her place for it?
My SIL had 'bring your favourite martini" night and each girl brought stuff to make their favourite and we drank martini's, sang karaoke and had a great time. It's pretty cheap to do. If you can plan something that's not going to cost anything, maybe you can throw it for her. I dunno.
She is a wee bit entitled to want to plan a party that everyone else but her pays for.
I think you are getting a migraine. Food poisoning? Severe cold? cough cough
I agree with PPs that it sucks most of her BMs seem to be flaking out for various (and likely valid) reasons. I can totally understand you not wanting to take on the b-party after everything that is happening with the shower.
To dissuade the bride, why don't you just suggest you and her go out for dinner to celebrate whenever she brings up the whole b-party thing. You could even say something like, "I'd love to do something to celebrate but don't know if I can afford a big party. Why don't you and I just celebrate with dinner and drinks. My treat!" You could even contact BM B and ask her if she could afford to do something like this and then the three of you (you, B, and bride) go out and you and B split the bride's dinner and some drinks.
I don't know if your friend would get the hint this way that throwing something herself is stupid, and yes, you'd still be responsible for covering some costs, but it'd be much less than trying to cover and host a huge party.
ETA: I also like Habs' idea of trying to do something low-key at home.
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May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation</strong>. I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little. If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so. She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together.
Posted by cosmogirlWed144626[/QUOTE]
It's not just time, it's money. What if someone can't afford to chip in or pay to fly in from cross country? Does that make them a bad friend.
I do agree that your friend sounds a wee bit entitled. Sounds like you go some great advice.
Good luck!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this rude? : I didn't get a shower or a bach party. Somehow, I ended up still married at the end of the day. It's a bummer for sure, but people have lives, yo. Theirs doesn't end because of a brides expectations.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]
<div>I am also not having either. My MOH is 10 (she is my step daughter...well, will be in September). So, I guess I could start saying somthing about not getting the parties...but who would throw them? My fiance's ex? THAT would be fun, LOL.</div><div>
</div><div>So, I am letting it go. The wedding is in a different state so who knows if people have stuff planned for me here, but the night before the wedding, I am on my own. And it is fine.</div>
[QUOTE]I think where she messed up (besides trying to throw the parties herself) is expecting the BMs to make 2 flights, and reserve two separate weekends- one for the parties, and another for the wedding. If I were in this situation, I would just explain the logistics of them making two cross country trips, and try to arrange a dinner and drinks type of celebration the night before the wedding. Like PP's have said, I too would be disappointed if my friends didn't offer, but I'm not the type that expects a huge shebang. We went to my MOH's family lake house and grilled out, drank, and smoked hookah. It was fantastic, and a great way to relax just taking a time out from all the wedding planning.
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]
<div>The shower and bachelorette party are on the same day... I never said they were two different weekends. Two of bridesmaids still can't come though.</div>
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
Would something like that work? Then you don't have to pay for/plan a huge thing, and you're communicating that this is really the only B-party she can have.
40/112
I don't find it rude for her to want a shower and a bach party. One thing that I have done when agreeing to be a BM was think about all the cost. Dress, shoes, accessories, hair, parties, and time. I have had to tell two close friends that I would not be able to be a BM because of cost. I then offered and spent lots of time helping them every step of the way just as if I were standing next to her. And my friends were able to understand my not being in the wedding due to cost and more that appreciated my being there for them.
Two of the weddings I was in showers were thrown by the BM's and those who could not attend for whatever reason sent money to help with the cost. It's totally not fair for the other BM's to leave this all on you. Did you say anything to them about this? I think it will be way too much for you to do or have done both alone and I would have been pretty pissed it it were me. But I too would have stepped up to the plate and done at least one to make sure everything wasspecial for my friend. (Both no way) But the bach party could have been really low key and included a night out with just a few ladies and even went along with an explanation if you felt necessary. If the cost is getting too much you need to say something...nothing can change or be dealt with if the other person/people involved don't know.
I admire your friend for knowing what she wants and even willing to plan it herself to make sure she has it. I don't feel how that is in bad taste. However, most of the time these type of pre-wedding parties are usually thrown by the bridal party and or family. To me It seems like your friend is not filled with drama talk to her and go from there or leave it as it is.
Good luck!