I changed my mind.......

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

The girls who've booted bridesmaids SHOULD feel bad. You need to do good things to feel good about yourself. When you do something bad, you should feel bad. It's called having a conscience. No person deserves blind support and carte blanche to abuse the people around them just because they happen to be getting married. The title of "bride" doesn't exonerate you.

mkrupar · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:03475590-f62a-4650-89c4-545ded8f4db1">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]It all depends on the situation. Firing a bridemaid to "make room" for someone else - not good. Add your sister. However, a reading is a very nice thing too - work with selecting it with her and maybe you could find something menaingful about your relationship...i.e, if you read together as a child, or maybe share a favourite author or something. Or if she has some suggestions let her choose. Also, about having someone to be a bridesmaid because you feel obligated is horrid. It is your wedding and need to be honest with yourself and your friends - be authentic. Go forth with love and grace and all will work. <strong>Firing a bridesmaid is totally acceptable if they are not being supportive or helping or anything. Being a bridesmaid is work and their are duties that come with it. Just like a job, talk to them first and ask for more support/help and if they don't realize that this is you and your groom's day, not theirs, then you may have to tell them that their presence is no longer needed. Easier said then done, but once again go forward with grace and love, and ensure your intentions are pure then all shall be fine. And if not, if your friend chooses to the end the firendship because yuo were honest with them, what type of friend is that? Better to find uot now, then the day before the wedding, or when something serious happens and you need a strong and caring friend who realizes what a great person you are.</strong>
Posted by zoodles[/QUOTE]

This is the MOST RIDICULOUS thing I've heard by far. You just said being a BM is a job. IT'S NOT. Where do you people get this crap???!! I just read this entire post and none of the ridiculousness enraged me more than this right here. You think your friend should just accept that you have kicked her out of your wedding party because she didn't stuff 500 envelopes and tie 500 hundred ribbons because it's was in her job description!!??? WTF is wrong with you? Then you go on to say that if SHE gets upset SHE's the one that's a bad friend. You also think you need to give her warnings about how she's not fulfilling her duties??? You are awful. All the other girls on here who think it's ok to kick a friend out of their wedding because they didn't fulfill their jobs are just as terrible. Don't be surprised when NONE of your BP talks to you after the wedding. They've seen how much you value your friendships and have seen how easy it is for you to just get rid of people like they don't matter. You're all pieces of work and I thank GOD that I don't know any of you IRL because I might have to punch all of you.

Irish2hockey · October 2010

to Lulu and everyone else that made a comment about MOH and BM not being able to afford to be in the WP the people that we as brides ask to be in our WP should think about the fact that weddings cost money for EVERYONE! i am sorry I am not rich and I cant buy dresses for everyone! Frankly I wasnt looking for anyones approval on this site I was just sharing part of my story. There is a lot that has gone on with my MOH that I dont have the time or the energy to put down on this website! I know not everyone is going to agree with how I did it but I do know for a fact I wasnt being a bridezilla at all. For people that think my MOH not getting her dress is "no big deal" dont really understand how a wedding is suppose to work or they dont care about presentation at the wedding which is fine (to each their own) but just because you dont agree with how I did something doesnt make it wrong. unless you have been married a few times none of us are experts on how to do this! Things happen and things change. I was in my original MOH wedding and bent over backwards to do whatever she wanted me to and I was living 2 states away. I did everything I could to take the stress off of her. I was a great friend! I didnt kick her out of the wedding party I simply asked her to step down because I understood I had made a mistake putting all that extra stress on her! I didnt ask her for anything but to buy the dress and show up to the ceremony but she couldnt handle that! Again I was just hoping this would be a place I could share my experience and just vent but apparently some brides think they know it all and should tell everyone else how to do things the "right way"
SHE WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE

mkrupar · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:068b4dcb-496b-4cf5-bd62-232421baee95">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]to Lulu and everyone else that made a comment about MOH and BM not being able to afford to be in the WP the people that we as brides ask to be in our WP should think about the fact that weddings cost money for EVERYONE! i am sorry I am not rich and I cant buy dresses for everyone! Frankly I wasnt looking for anyones approval on this site I was just sharing part of my story. There is a lot that has gone on with my MOH that I dont have the time or the energy to put down on this website! I know not everyone is going to agree with how I did it but I do know for a fact I wasnt being a bridezilla at all. For people that think my MOH not getting her dress is "no big deal" dont really understand how a wedding is suppose to work or they dont care about presentation at the wedding which is fine (to each their own) but just because you dont agree with how I did something doesnt make it wrong. unless you have been married a few times none of us are experts on how to do this! Things happen and things change. I was in my original MOH wedding and bent over backwards to do whatever she wanted me to and I was living 2 states away. I did everything I could to take the stress off of her. I was a great friend! I didnt kick her out of the wedding party I simply asked her to step down because I understood I had made a mistake putting all that extra stress on her! <strong>I didnt ask her for anything but to buy the dress and show up to the ceremony but she couldnt handle that! </strong>Again I was just hoping this would be a place I could share my experience and just vent but apparently some brides think they know it all and should tell everyone else how to do things the "right way" SHE WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE
Posted by Irish2hockey[/QUOTE]

Yes, weddings cost money, but they shouldn't break the bank. It's your responsiblity as the bride to ask your BMs what their budget is and stick with that when finding BM dresses. You do not get to go to your BMs and say, "ZOMG I found the most perfect dress for you all to wear (it's probably totally hideous to them) and it only costs $300!!" Sorry, no. I'm not paying that much for a dress I'm going to wear once. Cuz let's be honest, they're never going to wear it again. Your MOH couldn't handle getting the dress because you made it too expensive for her. That's why she couldn't do it. It's great that you did whatever you could for her when you were MOH, but weddings are not tit for tat. She doesn't have to do those things.

The reason everyone on this thread has kicked people out is because they've had unreasonable expectations of their friends (not slaves for their weddings). If you all want people that will do what you want you pay them. If you want your 5 perfect BMs in their perfect matching dresses hire models. You all have no idea how to treat your friends and it drives me crazy.

Manwaithiel · October 2010

Everything mkrupar said. Every. Last. Word.

mandctaft · October 2010

When I was at my inital dress meeting I was told that 4-5 bridesmaids is the norm. And I felt weird that I've got 7! SO no worries for you!

andamu · October 2010

I was in a wedding where a BM got kicked out. That said, she effectively removed herself from the wedding party when she told the bride four days before the wedding that she "wasn't sure that she could come." Despite having known the date for at least a year in advance, she waited until a week before to ask for time off of work. My guess is that a lot of these distanced, disinterested, or otherwise grown-apart BMs will also remove themselves by not making travel arrangements or buying the dress or what have you.

Honestly, I don't think the look of a wedding party matters that much to anyone other than the bride. Everyone pays attention to the bride, not the attendants. Not that attendants aren't fine if you want them, but no one's sitting in the pews counting.

alexsmith767 · October 2010

I'm about to fire one of my bridesmaids. She is very jealous of me and my maid of honor! She complains about everything!!! She ruined my experience with having my bridesmaids try on dresses and she told one of my girls that she didn't want to buy an expensive dress for a wedding that she doesn't think is going to happen!!

I'm not sure how I'm going to do it yet. She is a terrible friend so I'm not worried about loosing her as a friend. I don't want to tell her in person because she is a cryer and she can get violent when she is mad

So I think I'm going to call her. Any ideas on how to word it?????

AutumnFair · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:7df0ace9-ab1b-4764-b2ef-070a40e3dd3c">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm about to fire one of my bridesmaids. She is very jealous of me and my maid of honor! She complains about everything!!! She ruined my experience with having my bridesmaids try on dresses and she told one of my girls that she didn't want to buy an expensive dress for a wedding that she doesn't think is going to happen!! I'm not sure how I'm going to do it yet. She is a terrible friend so I'm not worried about loosing her as a friend. I don't want to tell her in person because she is a cryer and she can get violent when she is mad :( So I think I'm going to call her. Any ideas on how to word it?????
Posted by alexsmith767[/QUOTE]

<div>There are seriously no words that anyone can give you to put it as nicely as possible to your friend that you want to kick her out (NOT fire, a BM is not a job). Basically if you are cutting all ties of the relationship, then say, "I'm sorry I rather not be friends with you anymore."</div><div>
</div><div>Also your reason that you have given (I can hear your response now that she has done "other" things), is a BAD reason to kick her out. Complaining and being jealous are NORMAL things people go through, if she is complaining how about COMPROMISING with things that she is finding too expensive (you know something that a good friend would do). Basically your blaming all this bad friendship on her but it sounds like your not helping the situation either. Also if she is being jealous how about stop talking to her about wedding stuff and don't force her to come to things.</div><div>
</div><div>Once again, no real words for putting "kicking you out of my wedding party" because as you already know its a hurtful thing to do to someone. </div>

garcia25 · October 2010

Well i have a similar experince, i asked a friend of mine to be in my wp and then something happened between our sons..and we spoke about the matter and i yold her that i wouldnt feel comfortable with her or her son walking in my wedding, i dont hate her i just wouldnt feel comfortable..she understood and later on i asked her if i can replace her with someone and she agreed...but later on she stopped talking to me, i was still talking to her, keeping her involved in everything but i guess sha felt betrayed....i felt bad at first but now i dont cause she took it upon herself to stop talkin to me...i suggest if you wana replace one of ur bridesmaid with your sister then go ahead...if the person is mature and you explain yourself properly you'll should still stay friends.....and remember its your day....

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

One of my bridesmaids didn't spend a dime to be in the wedding, other than the travel expenses she would have incurred as a normal guest. She already owned a dress that fit the bill, she wore all of her own accessories, I paid for hair, and she did her own makeup. Being in a wedding does not in any way have to be an expensive proposition, as long as the bride is considerate.

AutumnFair · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:4d22f6b2-bb6b-4eff-b744-43533076a11d">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]Well i have a similar experince, i asked a friend of mine to be in my wp and then something happened between our sons..and we spoke about the matter and <strong><em><u>i yold her that i wouldnt feel comfortable with her or her son walking in my wedding,</u></em></strong> i dont hate her i just wouldnt feel comfortable..she und<u><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">erstood and</span><em> later on</em></strong></u><u><strong><em> i asked her if i can replace her with someone</em></strong></u><u><strong><em> and she agreed</em></strong></u>...but<font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000"> later on she stopped talking to me, i was still talking to her, keeping her involved in everything but i guess sha felt betrayed.</font>...i<font class="Apple-style-span" color="#0000FF"> felt bad at first but now i dont cause she took it upon herself to stop talkin to me</font>...i suggest if you wana replace one of ur bridesmaid with your sister then go ahead...if the person is mature and you explain yourself properly you'll should still stay friends.....and remember its your day....
Posted by garcia25[/QUOTE]

<div>Alright so you kicked her and her son out, then replaced them and are NOW wondering why she isn't talking to you and you don't feel bad because "hey, she's the one not making the effort". You must realize that you hurt her feelings kicking her and her son out but she was putting up a "happy understanding" front so not to look bad, then you REPLACE them she once again puts a "happy understanding" front. Then you keep telling her about your wedding (that she and her son are no longer in since you KICKED them out). And are wondering why she isn't speaking to you.</div><div>
</div><div> It does NOT matter HOW you say "I do not want you in my WP" it is wrong to do it and no, the only thing the mature person understands is that you are a jerk and can end the friendship without looking bad because the person who did the cutting ties was the Bridezilla who kicked them out. So yeah, I wouldn't be mad at your friend for not talking to you anymore, you are the one who made so many bad decisions that the best thing she did was to leave the toxic relationship you caused. Oh, but it was justified because it was "your day", but hey, it was worth losing a friendship that you had prior days and years. Too bad there won't be any future days to have this friendship after "your day" because you hurt your friends feelings. </div>

Irish2hockey · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:603c106a-6b2f-4410-ba31-d821912ac449">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I changed my mind....... : Yes, weddings cost money, but they shouldn't break the bank. It's your responsiblity as the bride to ask your BMs what their budget is and stick with that when finding BM dresses. You do not get to go to your BMs and say, "ZOMG I found the most perfect dress for you all to wear (it's probably totally hideous to them) and it only costs $300!!" Sorry, no. I'm not paying that much for a dress I'm going to wear once. Cuz let's be honest, they're never going to wear it again. Your MOH couldn't handle getting the dress because you made it too expensive for her. That's why she couldn't do it. It's great that you did whatever you could for her when you were MOH, but weddings are not tit for tat. She doesn't have to do those things. The reason everyone on this thread has kicked people out is because they've had unreasonable expectations of their friends (not slaves for their weddings). If you all want people that will do what you want you pay them. If you want your 5 perfect BMs in their perfect matching dresses hire models. You all have no idea how to treat your friends and it drives me crazy.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

SERIOUSLY? The dress was $120 dollars and is a manager for a very sucessful retail company!SHE was the one who chose not me! SHES the disinterested friend SHE CHOSE HER OWN FATE

nich5blue · October 2010

I had 7 bridesmaid when I started planning my wedding, which is next August. I asked all my girls was super excited, it's been 3 months since I asked all of my girls, and I decided that 1 was not fitting. It was really hard, but I talked to her saying we didn't connect as we should for her to be in my bridal party, also used the money aspect of it to knowing that she is having a rough time like everyone financially. She took it completely ok which made me think she didn't even really want to do it, but she is still welcome as a guest. I decided to replace her with a better friend, and that one is very happy to be apart of the WP. It was harder on me than the bridesmaid I asked to leave the wedding. I also told her I didn't want to hurt her feelings. This week, another one of my girls came to me saying she knew I talked to the girl that was removed, and was wondering if she could be removed, money is also tight for her too. She was grateful that I was so open, she knows that I am watching the budget, and if they weren't in hard times that she would be doable to do it.

So I know it's hard I think it's harder on us brides, bc we did ask them we did want to share the day with them. But you have to be happy which I feel way better about. So I used to have a bridal party of 14 now we are down to 10-12.

mrs7326almond · October 2010

The exact same thing happened to me, however I cant afford to have that many people in my wedding party so the original bridesmaid will be cut. I plan on telling her that the guy who she was suppose to stand with backed out and since my fiance hasnt decided on a replacement and doesnt have anyone else in mind its better just to leave it as is. Then of course i plan on telling her that if my fiance later decideds he may want someone, at the last minute i'll inconvenience my sister so that she doesnt have that uncertainty weighing on her mind. This works because everyone knows im not that close to my sister either and i would rather inconvenience her than a friend. Sure this sounds horrible but in teh end its "YOUR WEDDING" and you only get to do this once so do as you wish, good luck!

AutumnFair · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:8eae8a51-700f-45cd-b6aa-b8c1c445f1d8">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]The exact same thing happened to me, however I cant afford to have that many people in my wedding party so the original bridesmaid will be cut. I plan on telling her that the guy who she was suppose to stand with backed out and since my fiance hasnt decided on a replacement and doesnt have anyone else in mind its better just to leave it as is. Then of course i plan on telling her that if my fiance later decideds he may want someone, at the last minute i'll inconvenience my sister so that she doesnt have that uncertainty weighing on her mind. This works because everyone knows im not that close to my sister either and i would rather inconvenience her than a friend. Sure this sounds horrible but in teh end its "YOUR WEDDING" and you only get to do this once so do as you wish, good luck!
Posted by mrs7326almond[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, lying to your friend, making excuses to kick her out and she didn't do anything wrong! You know it sounds horrible yet your going to do it. That makes ZERO sense. And will people stop using the "your wedding" excuse, that is such BS to treat your friends like crap. Just because its "your day" does NOT mean that your decision is ALWAYS right and that your friend NEEDS to except it with happy no worries attitude. It's WRONG and YOU even know it, so DO NOT do it. Cut back somewhere if 1 bouquet and gift is going to cost you. </div>

jcgarnett11 · October 2010

I did "fire" my matron of honor, a girl who had been my "best friend" for ten years, because she never supported my relationship with my fiance (and we've been together for 4 years). The more I thought about it, the less convinced I was that she should be up there with me, and the more I felt bad about asking her in the first place. It was a really difficult conversation to have, and it did eventually end the friendship, but it's oddly working out for the best. I have come to realize that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was.But your situation is nothing like mine. I wouldn't suggest firing anyone from the WP unless absolutely necessary. It isn't fun!

himlover666 · October 2010

ok what if some of the bridesmaids are his family and you really dont want them in the wedding? they are maknig really hard to do any thing because they have nothing nice to say about the hole thing....

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

dani&ross11 · November 2010

I HAVE A SIMILAR PROBLEM. THE NIGHT I GOT ENGAGED I CALLED ALL THE GIRLS I THOUGHT I WANTED TO BE IN MY WEDDING PARTY. MY FIANCEE AND I ALWAYS SAID THAT OUR WEDDING PARTY WOULD BE SMALL SINCE WE THINK THAT BIG WP LOOK TACKY (NO OFFENSE). SO WE WANTED ONLY 3 EACH BUT I HAVE LOTS OF BF'S AND THEY ARE ALL SO MUCH FUN I THINK THEY WOULD MAKE EVERYTHING FUN!!!! SO I ASKED MY FRIEND FROM HS TO BE ONE OF MY BM'S AND SHE, ALL SHE SAID WAS "CRAP I GOTTA LOSE WEIGHT"...... ANYWAY, MY FIANCEE HAS MET HER ONCE AND BEFORE I TALKED TO HER ABOUT THE WEDDING I HADN'T TALKED TO HER IN ABOUT 3 YEARS. MY FIANCEE ASKED ME WHY IS SHE IN THE WEDDING AND I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I WANT MY OTHER FRIEND WHO I AM VERY CLOSE TO TO BE IN THE WEDDING. THIS OTHER FRIEND INTRODUCED MY FIANCEE AND I, SHE WAS OUR CUPID AND I FEEL THAT SHE DESERVES TO BE IN MY WEDDING!!!! HOW DO I TELL MY HS FRIEND TO NOT BE IN THE WP ANYMORE. I DONT WANT 6 BRIDES MAIDS, TOO MANY WOMEN TO KEEP TRACK OF AND I DONT WANT TO TURN INTO A BRIDEZILLA!!!!! AND I KNOW THAT MY OTHER FRIEND WANTS TO BE IN THE WP, SHE HINTS ME ALL THE TIME, AND IS ALWAYS ASKING IF I NEED ANY HELP, AND MY HS FRIEND IS NEVER AVAILABLE AND NEVER ASKS ME ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A HELLO HOW ARE YOU? AM I WRONG??

I changed my mind.......

Re: I changed my mind.......

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