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An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?
Ok, I'm seriously curious to hear from people on both ends of the spectrum, and I think that if people keep it non-judgemental, that we could actually have a really great conversation...
Is a wedding as special if the couple is sleeping/living together before the marriage? What does that mean about the "wedding night" that is supposed to be such a big deal if it's really not any different than any other night? (If you fall in this category, what did you do that night? Hang out with your friends? Do something extra special?) Do you wish that you had waited to sleep together?
For those that waited, did that put any extra pressure/stress on the "wedding night," knowing what you were supposed to do, and had never done before? Or was it just totally awesome? Are you glad you waited?
ok...maybe this is way too personal and nobody will write anything, :-) but I'm really just curious, also to hear people's other thoughts or rational for doing what they did.
(I'm not asking this cuz I'm questioning what I'm doing or anything, I really am just interested in getting into the mindset of different perspectives!)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?
I assume most who do wait, do so for religious reasons. Most, not all.
DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
[QUOTE]Im glad I didnt wait. But I got married at 30. I assume most who do wait, do so for religious reasons. Most, not all.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]
^this
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are waiting for religious/personal convictions, so no, we will not sleep together prior to the wedding night. We are both nervious, but it will be a learing experience together! I personally don't see much difference as to why you would wait now that you are already sleeping together (I am assuming, please don't take that the wrong way...) , unless you feel that would make it seem more special. I wish you a happy marrage!
Posted by eternalmaria[/QUOTE]
Let my start off by saying I totally respect your decision to wait and its admirable because I could never do it. But, personally I feel like that would be entirely too stressful on top of all of the stress of the wedding. I wouldn't be a happy camper!
Getting married is special/ emotional so we are just planning on having a nice romantic night. Why would we need to do anything to make it extra special? (that is silly as it is already special enough).
Usually, the first time isn't great. Mine hurt (not anyone's fault, just my body). I would be pissed if I was in pain on my wedding night and men (usually) can't last long their first time. Practice makes prefect, so I think having sex before your wedding night only helps.
*Religion aside as I know many couples can't have sex before marriage because of their religious beliefs.
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm seriously curious to hear from people on both ends of the spectrum, and I think that if people keep it non-judgemental, that we could actually have a really great conversation... Is a wedding as special if the couple is sleeping/living together before the marriage? What does that mean about the "wedding night" that is supposed to be such a big deal if it's really not any different than any other night? (If you fall in this category, what did you do that night? Hang out with your friends? Do something extra special?) Do you wish that you had waited to sleep together? For those that waited, did that put any extra pressure/stress on the "wedding night," knowing what you were supposed to do, and had never done before? Or was it just totally awesome? Are you glad you waited? ok...maybe this is way too personal and nobody will write anything, :-) but I'm really just curious, also to hear people's other thoughts or rational for doing what they did. (I'm not asking this cuz I'm questioning what I'm doing or anything, I really am just interested in getting into the mindset of different perspectives!)
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
I slept with my fiance for the first time nearly twelve years ago (we are now 30) and have had an active sex life our entire time together.
What follows are my personal feelings on the subject.
I don't think it freaking matters. If my first time was my wedding night, I would have been scared and, eventually, let down. Sex just isn't good the first time around. It can be weird, awkward, and a bit uncomfortable. I also have no ideas about having sex on our wedding night - I plan to be exhausted and a little tipsy when we finally make it back to our hotel room :-)
I think that saying just because my fiance and I have had (a lot of) sex somehow means that our wedding night will be less special is mean. Marriage is not 100% about sex. It's about a partnership, mutual respect and agreeing to be in each other's corner for the rest of our lives. Sex is only a small part of that. A relationship can deepen between two people for a variety of reasons. I think that saying those vows will deepen us a great deal, as will living together and building a life. Yup, sex also deepens a relationship but I don't think as much as other things.
To think that because we've already had sex means that we'll be spending our wedding night drinking with friends or completely shunning any kind of tenderness is just wrong and sorta pissing me off. Isn't saying vows and going to bed together that night special enough? Won't sex afterwards be a little more intense than it was before we pledged ourselves to each other?
To those who wait, kudos to them. It was not for me, but everyone has their own approach to life. You have to do what works for you.
And this is just me and I know that many - maybe even a majority of people do not feel this way - but I don't equate sex with emotions. I think you can have sex and not love the person and you can love a person and not have sex with them. They just don't run parallel for me.
Bio
"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
And I think the whole religious concept of waiting for marriage was not to just have another commandment to make people suffer in misery, but maybe to push people in the right direction with their sex lives. Some super-religious people take it so literally and they don't believe in holding hands or even kissing before marriage. (WTF?)
I think it was God's way (or whomever's way...) of saying "Don't be a slut bucket."
[QUOTE]. To think that because we've already had sex means that we'll be spending our wedding night drinking with friends or completely shunning any kind of tenderness is just wrong and sorta pissing me off.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
There is absolutely no reason for you to be pissed off. Your OPINION and even clarification on questions I am wondering about was asked. Any other assumptions are purely your own.<div>
</div><div>Sorry that you are pissed off.</div><div>
</div><div>(everyone else please take note. If you are "pissed off" by anything that has been stated so far, then you need to learn to not take things so personally. Nobody has attacked or even judged anyone so far. at the worst, you have only been asked for clarification!!!)</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : There is absolutely no reason for you to be pissed off. Your OPINION and even clarification on questions I am wondering about was asked. Any other assumptions are purely your own. Sorry that you are pissed off. (everyone else please take note. If you are "pissed off" by anything that has been stated so far, then you need to learn to not take things so personally. Nobody has attacked or even judged anyone so far. at the worst, you have only been asked for clarification!!!)
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
LOL.
I don't feel attacked by your question. Relax.
Bio
"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
[QUOTE]Joy I'm IN LOVE with your wedding ring!!
Posted by sherrbearr22[/QUOTE]
Thank you!!!
Want the link? I got it from the Antique Jewlery Mall online! :-)
[QUOTE]My FI and I are waiting until marriage. It's just a personal preference for us. We live together, so it's not like we're really against anything like that before marriage; it's just what we wanted to do. I understand the first time probably won't be mind-blowing sex, but to me, the first time on our wedding night isn't necessarily about how great the sex is (it will improve as time goes on). It'll just be romantic anyways b/c now we're married!! I don't think it will be awkward b/c we've been together 6 years and have done other "stuff" together already.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
Oh man, that must be hard! (no pun intended)
That takes some serious dedication and self restraint! Good for you girl!
Bio
"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Thank you!!! Want the link? I got it from the Antique Jewlery Mall online! :-)
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
You bet your sweet ass I do! :)
Bio
"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : You bet your sweet ass I do! :)
Posted by sherrbearr22[/QUOTE]
Enjoy! It sits perfectly next to my engagement ring and has an area in the back of plain gold for sizing purposes.
<a href="http://www.antiquejewelrymall.com/r639y.html" rel='nofollow'>http://www.antiquejewelrymall.com/r639y.html</a>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Enjoy! It sits perfectly next to my engagement ring and has an area in the back of plain gold for sizing purposes. <a href="http://www.antiquejewelrymall.com/r639y.html" rel='nofollow'>http://www.antiquejewelrymall.com/r639y.html</a>
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
Thank you! Your E-ring is amazing. It's an antique piece too, right?
Bio
"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Thank you! Your E-ring is amazing. It's an antique piece too, right?
Posted by sherrbearr22[/QUOTE]
Yes, it's my grandmother's. They were engaged in 1942, but the setting is from the late 40s/early 50s. Do you have an antique ring, too?
[QUOTE]In Response to An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I slept with my fiance for the first time nearly twelve years ago (we are now 30) and have had an active sex life our entire time together. What follows are my personal feelings on the subject. I don't think it freaking matters. If my first time was my wedding night, I would have been scared and, eventually, let down. Sex just isn't good the first time around. It can be weird, awkward, and a bit uncomfortable. I also have no ideas about having sex on our wedding night - I plan to be exhausted and a little tipsy when we finally make it back to our hotel room :-) I think that saying just because my fiance and I have had (a lot of) sex somehow means that our wedding night will be less special is mean. Marriage is not 100% about sex. It's about a partnership, mutual respect and agreeing to be in each other's corner for the rest of our lives. Sex is only a small part of that. A relationship can deepen between two people for a variety of reasons. I think that saying those vows will deepen us a great deal, as will living together and building a life. Yup, sex also deepens a relationship but I don't think as much as other things. To think that because we've already had sex means that we'll be spending our wedding night drinking with friends or completely shunning any kind of tenderness is just wrong and sorta pissing me off. Isn't saying vows and going to bed together that night special enough? Won't sex afterwards be a little more intense than it was before we pledged ourselves to each other? To those who wait, kudos to them. It was not for me, but everyone has their own approach to life. You have to do what works for you.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
This. All of it. 100% See, this paragraph here is a but offensive: Is a wedding as special if the couple is sleeping/living together before the marriage? What does that mean about the "wedding night" that is supposed to be such a big deal if it's really not any different than any other night? (If you fall in this category, what did you do that night? Hang out with your friends? Do something extra special?) Do you wish that you had waited to sleep together? It is implying that the wedding night is not a "big deal" since the couple has already slept together (that's what you did there). It's our freaking wedding, nothing needs to be done to make it extra special, and why would we just go hang put with friends because of the fact we have already had sex? I mean, I know plenty of people (sex or no sex prior) hang out with friends that night... FI and I did not wait and we have a 10 month old son. To imply that it somehow cheapens our wedding night is awfully presumptuous.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : It's our freaking wedding, nothing needs to be done to make it extra special, and why would we just go hang put with friends because of the fact we have already had sex?
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Agreed. Its going to be a great night a) because its our wedding night, no matter what, and b) because I know we have good sex. =D
</div>
DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : This. All of it. 100% See, this paragraph here is a but offensive: Is a wedding as special if the couple is sleeping/living together before the marriage? What does that mean about the "wedding night" that is supposed to be such a big deal if it's really not any different than any other night? (If you fall in this category, what did you do that night? Hang out with your friends? Do something extra special?) Do you wish that you had waited to sleep together? It is implying that the wedding night is not a "big deal" since the couple has already slept together (that's what you did there). It's our freaking wedding, nothing needs to be done to make it extra special, and why would we just go hang put with friends because of the fact we have already had sex? I mean, I know plenty of people (sex or no sex prior) hang out with friends that night... FI and I did not wait and we have a 10 month old son. To imply that it somehow cheapens our wedding night is awfully presumptuous.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]
Thank you, Queen Jane (love your screen name, by the way - too much The Tudors on Showtime), for saying what I could not in my wine-haze. :-)
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Yes, it's my grandmother's. They were engaged in 1942, but the setting is from the late 40s/early 50s. Do you have an antique ring, too?
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
I don't. I REALLY wanted one. When I was in college a gal in my class had a ring that looked just like yours and I drooled over it every day. She said during the war when people didn't have much money they built the gold up around it to make the diamonds appear bigger. I think it makes them appear amazing-er!
<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '3517c915-53ce-4af8-8e8c-1750ea9faf36', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/5/14/3517c915-53ce-4af8-8e8c-1750ea9faf36.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
This is mine.
I wear and antique style with a diamond my grandma left me on my right hand :)
Bio
"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : This. All of it. 100% See, this paragraph here is a but offensive: Is a wedding as special if the couple is sleeping/living together before the marriage? What does that mean about the "wedding night" that is supposed to be such a big deal if it's really not any different than any other night? (If you fall in this category, what did you do that night? Hang out with your friends? Do something extra special?) Do you wish that you had waited to sleep together? It is implying that the wedding night is not a "big deal" since the couple has already slept together (that's what you did there). It's our freaking wedding, nothing needs to be done to make it extra special, and why would we just go hang put with friends because of the fact we have already had sex? I mean, I know plenty of people (sex or no sex prior) hang out with friends that night... FI and I did not wait and we have a 10 month old son. To imply that it somehow cheapens our wedding night is awfully presumptuous.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry that you are so easily offended. Shouldn't the fact that it is worded in such a way that is *seeking* clarification (from someone who may not actually know) make it not offensive?<div>It is not "implying" anything. It is asking what you did (if anything) to make it extra special. If you didn't do anything extra special, or didn't feel the need to, you can just say that. There is no need to get offended.</div><div>Nor is anyone implying that it cheapens your wedding. The main question was just "are you glad that you did what you did."</div>
[QUOTE]I dont see anything romantic about finding out on your wedding night that you and your H are not sexually compatible.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]
I think there's a lot more to a marriage than just sex. Yes, it's a part of it, but honestly,if I'm in love with someone and the first time we have sex it isn't out of this world, I'm not going to dump him. I know a lot of people who waited until marriage and have great sex lives and happy marriages. Romance does not necessarily equal hot kinky sex all the time. Again, this post was to discuss what people's personal preferences are. This is mine. I am not knocking anyone else's.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I think there's a lot more to a marriage than just sex. Yes, it's a part of it, but honestly,if I'm in love with someone and the first time we have sex it isn't out of this world, I'm not going to dump him. I know a lot of people who waited until marriage and have great sex lives and happy marriages. Romance does not necessarily equal hot kinky sex all the time. Again, this post was to discuss what people's personal preferences are. This is mine. I am not knocking anyone else's.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
Who is knocking your choice?
OP asked why we chose to wait or not to wait. That is part of my reason. Thats great if that is your view on sex and marriage. It doesnt mean it is everyone elses and it doesnt make my choice and more or less important than yours.
DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!