Every time I see this question, I think about "Sex and the City" when Charlotte found out Trey was impotent the night before their wedding. Eeeek.
H and I were living together and having sex for two years before we married. Our wedding was at a hotel chapel and we had a luxury suite for the weekend. When we got back to our room after the reception, we took a long bath together in a huge tub, drank champagne and had awesome sex.
We were in our early 40s when we started dating. Life is short and we were too old to wait.
Personally, I would feel VERY nervous about making a committment to someone if I hadn't lived with them or slept with them. There are a lot of surprises, and in my opinion, it's good to know what you're getting into. It would suck to find out after the wedding that you and your husband were MAJORLY incompatible.
But then, I'm not religious, so I don't have any religious reasons that would keep me from living with someone or sleeping with them. For those who do, I think that's a valid reason to wait.
Is the wedding night "less special"....no, I don't think so. It's still your first night together as husband and wife, whatever you have done together up to that point, it hasn't been as a married couple.
some people keep referencing my "tone" in the OP. Ok, ok, sorry, I happen to have a personal bias; althoughmore reason for me to be curious about the thoughts of those who disagree with me! when I posted the original question, I was honestly not aware at all that there was a negative tone to my post, thanks for making me aware of that.<div> </div><div>Given that I *clearly stated* that I honestly just wanted to know opinions, I also think it's a little presumptious to "get offended" about how I worded it.</div><div> </div><div>[QUOTE]I for one did find your tone a little condescending in your OP. If you have our own opinions that's fine but isn't reporting all about being objective and letting your opinions slide to properly illustrate what the answers are without bias? . Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]</div><div>Well, first of all I'm not a reporter (even though I did mention reporting to attempt to make an analogy to show why I don't think it's easy to even be unbiased in asking a question.) And secondly, since I'm not even planning on consolidating your answers into a book or anything, (as I've now stated several times, I am just curious about people's thoughts and trying to engage in interesting dialogue!) I am not attempting to "properly illustrate" those answers!</div><div> </div><div>I think, that given how acceptable in our society it is to live and sleep together before the wedding, I think it is actually appropriate to put the majority on the defensive. It is more important to be sensitive to the minority. Or can anyone tell me a case where that isn't true?</div><div> </div><div>If I had asked the same question about, say, pierced ears, maybe even more bluntly, "I know most people have pierced ears, I don't; in fact, I think it's a little weird, but could you tell me why you do? Are you glad that got them pierced when you did? etc." I can't imagine that I would have gotten as many people saying how "offended" they were at the question.</div><div>Interesting. (there's probably an obvious difference, like sex is personal and pierced ears aren't?) But still, with people insisiting on how sleeping together isn't a "big deal" (not necessarily in this post, but in the world in general,) it does make me wonder why people are getting so offended. </div><div> </div><div>[QUOTE]I think this is kind of a dumb question, sorry OP. Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]</div><div>um, ok. well, nobody really asked you if that's what you thought, or forced you to write a really long response, (which you did...) </div><div> </div><div>I actually have found many of the responses interesting, and even have a clearer understanding of some of the reasoning behind those who different opininons than mine. so, thanks everyone, who has answered already! :-)</div><div> </div><div>(edited to say "some people" instead of "everyone")</div>
You keep thinking people are "offended" by your wording. We aren't - seriously. We're just pointing out how it could be worded better, that's all.
It's an interesting question to me. Times are changing and people's thoughts on these subjects are changing. I find it interesting to hear why some people choose to wait because that is just completely foreign to me.
Go with the posting flow around here - people will respond how they want. You don't have to defend every little objection anyone makes.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:39fe654b-f5eb-4f16-8a28-d60df19d85f7">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I'm sorry that you are so easily offended. Shouldn't the fact that it is worded in such a way that is *seeking* clarification (from someone who may not actually know) make it not offensive? <strong>It is not "implying" anything. It is asking what you did (if anything) to make it extra special. If you didn't do anything extra special, or didn't feel the need to, you can just say that.</strong> There is no need to get offended. Nor is anyone implying that it cheapens your wedding. The main question was just "are you glad that you did what you did." Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
I don't think you need "enhance" your wedding night if you've had sex prior to marriage. Think of it more like this: your wedding night is already special. It would be your FIRST time as a married couple, which is special in and of itself. You are celebrating a commitment you made to one another and there does not need to be any 'special' arrangements made to boost the occasion.
In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I'm sorry that you are so easily offended. Shouldn't the fact that it is worded in such a way that is *seeking* clarification (from someone who may not actually know) make it not offensive? It is not "implying" anything. It is asking what you did (if anything) to make it extra special. If you didn't do anything extra special, or didn't feel the need to, you can just say that. There is no need to get offended. Nor is anyone implying that it cheapens your wedding. The main question was just "are you glad that you did what you did." You may think it's worded that way but can't you see, from reactions here alone, that it did not come across as such, even you may have had different intentions?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:ff44c1d8-fd84-4362-a056-804c7109f23a">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]OP - why does anyone have to be on the defensive? There is no right or wrong here. Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE] I wish I knew! Other people were using words like "offended," "pissed off," and "condescension" first! I would actually prefer if people just answered the question and didn't try to fix motives or judgements onto the original question. Although, yes, I agree with a PP, it's not really up to me to attempt to correct every single person who happens to "be offended," I have the time, so, why not? :-)
You basically wrote that everyone who had sex with their FI before the wedding night wouldn't have an as special night. It's just the way you worded it. I don't think anyone here took offense but we're just saying if you want clear answers, ask clear questions.
Example:
Did you wait to have sex before you got married? Yes or no
No one would have accused you of being condescending had you worded it that way.
I agree. There have been many times now where you have said things that imply that you are waiting, but you just want to see what everyone else's reasoning is for not waiting, as if it's wrong and you want to see what our excuses are. I'm not offended because I don't know you, etc. but you should know next time you are trying to gather opinions on a topic that if you give any hint as to what your opinion is in the OP, it invalidates your "just wanting to know opinions" to those of us who obviously have different ones than yours.
the only waiting i did was when we met.. me and FI didn't do anything until three weeks after we met. i have been hurt and used before so i wanted to make sure he wasn't there just for sex. personally i wouldn't wait until marriage. and i agree with what summer2011bride said...
I'm not offended, but OP you have been very condescending in several of your posts. I didn't want to address it (at first) because I assumed you were young & you didn't realize that you were being judgmental. But really you do need to word things better. Now you are getting defensive without hearing what people are saying.
You are making judgements that if you had sex, then sex isn't special. That having sex devalues it. Which honestly I find sad. Sex is always special, it gets more & more special (not less). The first time is bad, not "special" (in my opinion).
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:398c21b4-ae9b-484b-abd0-91cfaa560c27">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I wish I knew! Other people were using words like "offended," "pissed off," and "condescension" first! I would actually prefer if people just answered the question and didn't try to fix motives or judgements onto the original question. Although, yes, I agree with a PP, it's not really up to me to attempt to correct every single person who happens to "be offended," I have the time, so, why not? :-) Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
Look, OP, you made a judgmental statement whether you intended to or not. So just own it and move on. There's no use in trying to argue that you didn't because most of us here are fairly intelligent and can recognize what it is you were really saying, again, whether you meant to or not.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:73ebacf2-51b7-4299-9b0c-f1565a02d588">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]IMP, is your sig a pic of your cake topper? They are adorable! Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>Thank you! Yep, that was our cake topper. They now sit on a side table in our living room :)</div><div> </div>
Well, crap. DH and I didn't have sex at all on our wedding night or on our honeymoon (damn Hampton Inn beds are too freaking comfortable.) Good thing we had PLENTY of meaningless sex prior to the wedding or I would have been disappointed.
I grew up planning on waiting til my wedding night but FI and I have sex together now. We waited until we got engaged. The first time was painful and I started crying. I am glad we have that behind us now! Sex with him is getting better and better and I really can't wait for the wedding. I'm not sure if we'll have sex that night but whether we do or don't, I know it'll be an amazing night because we'll be married!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:418980ec-2dee-4333-abb3-1bc65283eb8e">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]some people keep referencing my "tone" in the OP. Ok, ok, sorry, I happen to have a personal bias; althoughmore reason for me to be curious about the thoughts of those who disagree with me! when I posted the original question, I was honestly not aware at all that there was a negative tone to my post, thanks for making me aware of that. Given that I *clearly stated* that I honestly just wanted to know opinions, I also think it's a little presumptious to "get offended" about how I worded it. Well, first of all I'm not a reporter (even though I did mention reporting to attempt to make an analogy to show why I don't think it's easy to even be unbiased in asking a question.) And secondly, since I'm not even planning on consolidating your answers into a book or anything, (as I've now stated several times, I am just curious about people's thoughts and trying to engage in interesting dialogue!) I am not attempting to "properly illustrate" those answers! I think, that given how acceptable in our society it is to live and sleep together before the wedding, I think it is actually appropriate to put the majority on the defensive. It is more important to be sensitive to the minority. Or can anyone tell me a case where that isn't true? If I had asked the same question about, say, pierced ears, maybe even more bluntly, "I know most people have pierced ears, I don't; in fact, I think it's a little weird, but could you tell me why you do? Are you glad that got them pierced when you did? etc." I can't imagine that I would have gotten as many people saying how "offended" they were at the question. Interesting. (there's probably an obvious difference, like sex is personal and pierced ears aren't?) But still, with people insisiting on how sleeping together isn't a "big deal" (not necessarily in this post, but in the world in general,) it does make me wonder why people are getting so offended. <strong>um, ok. well, nobody really asked you if that's what you thought, or forced you to write a really long response, (which you did...)</strong> I actually have found many of the responses interesting, and even have a clearer understanding of some of the reasoning behind those who different opininons than mine. so, thanks everyone, who has answered already! :-) (edited to say "some people" instead of "everyone") Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
You're right, no one forced me to write a long response. I do what I want.
And I thought the long response was rather thoughtful, but whatever. You're still annoying as hell. There are plenty of ways to have this discussion without coming off like a condescending brat like you have been doing.
I think people took issue with the wording of your question, and your suggestion that the only thing special about a wedding night was sex, and if you didn't have sex for the first time, that your wedding night wasn't some how special. That's what you meant with the asinine "clarification" questions about going out with friends, etc, right? Admit that you had a bias and that you think that our wedding nights were not special if we had already had sex. Its ok for you to have that opinion, but don't act like you don't and then try to be all innocent and unbiased. Own your opinions. Grow up.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:83e4e9eb-788d-4174-964b-e185027f98d7">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : You know, not every couple who waits has unrealistic expectations about the wedding night. Not every couple who waits expects sex to be amazing the first time. Yes, some do but I personally find this assumption offensive and it's an irritating argument for why people don't want to wait until their wedding right. I'm not saying that either way is more right than the other but that line is so ridiculous IMO. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE] 'Irritating argument for why people don't want to wait.' <div>That's pretty condescending too isn't it? Your bias comes out pretty strongly in your post, but you 'aren't saying one way is more right than the other.' </div><div>Presumably, you're an adult, at least own your opinion and admit you have one.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:0596a981-5c86-4f1f-80fc-cf886d1ff2ac">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]I think people took issue with the wording of your question, and your suggestion that the only thing special about a wedding night was sex, and if you didn't have sex for the first time, that your wedding night wasn't some how special. That's what you meant with the asinine "clarification" questions about going out with friends, etc, right? <strong>Admit that you had a bias and that you think that our wedding nights were not special if we had already had sex. Its ok for you to have that opinion, but don't act like you don't and then try to be all innocent and unbiased. Own your opinions. Grow up. </strong> Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
This. If you truly didn't have an opinion, then you would have asked a straightforward question and not thrown in the whole "well now it's not special anymore" comment. Whether or not you did this intentionally to voice your opinion, that's exactly what you did. I wouldn't have a problem with it if you just said "I think this, what do you think?" and left it open for opinions. But the way you said it came off as judgemental and trying to defend every little position just makes it seem more so that way.
FTR, neither FI or I were virgins when we met, so we obviously didn't wait till marriage with each other. But our wedding night won't be 'just like every other night' just because we've already had sex. It will be special because it's our freaking wedding night.
Marriage is about love and commitment, not about getting 'permission' to finally have sex. I think it's very admirable of people who want to wait for their own reasons, but to assume that marriage means nothing to those who didn't is completely naive.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:a481b909-5e4a-452f-8a16-87ef3828fc3a">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]. If my first time was my wedding night, I would have been scared and, eventually, let down. Sex just isn't good the first time around. It can be weird, awkward, and a bit uncomfortable. Marriage is not 100% about sex. It's about a partnership, mutual respect and agreeing to be in each other's corner for the rest of our lives. Sex is only a small part of that. Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
I agree, and very well said. My H and I lived together 2 years before marriage which I think was a great idea (at least for us) I respect any couple who wants to wait for marriage to sleep together, we did not wait and there is not a single thing I regret. One thing that makes me think... I had an ex-boyfriend who I hated to kiss (everytime he kissed me all I could think of was that he reminded me of a snapper turtle) We never slept together, but I think you should become close to a person before marriage to see if there is things you just can not live with - as shallow as that can sound (but I would not have been able to be with that snapper turtle!)
And if we would have waited for the wedding night it would have been disappointing because of circumstances - I went to bed early with a terrible stomach ache while H went to the casino with a friend (we were in Las Vegas)
Lalaith, H and I weren't virgins when we met, and we had sex before marriage. (Ack! Don't tell the girls on the Catholic board!) However, we did abstain from sex for months before the wedding as a choice. When we decided to marry in the Catholic church, we decided that abstaining until the wedding was the next best thing, sort of like fasting during Lent. It certainly helped me feel okay about my reconciliation right before the wedding! The wedding night was special, not just because we abstained, but because that was our first time together as a married couple. We had just gone through a sacrament and celebrated with our dearest friends and family. Of course that night was special, even if it wasn't our first time ever having sex. I hope that helps.
Well I waited three whole dates before I did the nasty with FI. I was most certainly not a virgin when we met. I, like a PP, don't think love and sex need to go together. I'm no hoar, but I've had flings when I wasn't in love. They were fun. They taught me a lot about myself. I'm not sure if we'll do it on the wedding night or if we'll be too tired, but to make it "special", I'm going to Fredrick's tonight to pick out something lacey and a wee bit slutty.
Personally, I could never wait. I could never commit to someone for life without building that bond and feeling our sexual chemistry. No, sex is not everything in a marriage, but for me bad sex could kill it. I'm a very sexual person. One of the reasons I am is that there are times in relationships when I shut down emotionally (FI does the same thing). Sex or "making love" (if you want to call it that) brings us back together in those times. Some of the best talks we've had have been after a god roll in the hay.
Furthermore, what if your FI is into some freaky shiit? I wouldn't want to get a couple years into a marriage and find out that he has fetishes I just can't get onboard with.
I had always planned on waiting until my wedding night, but it didn't happen.We decided we didn't want to wait. I am glad that we didn't... I have recently had some health problems pop up and most of the time I can hardly move much less have sex. Even though we have already been together our wedding night will still be very special to us ( eh or the night after)
I respect the people who wait until marriage, but it just did not work out for me.
Robby James born 2.24.12 @ 23 weeks due to preterm labor
Remembering Robby
Whoa, OP, dial it down a notch. You ARE being offensive, even if you say you're not... I read your post as condescending, and could picture it being said with one of those one-raised-eyebrow looks that I get from my grandma. Just because you don't think it's offensive, doesn't mean others don't think it is.
Yep, I've had sex with every serious boyfriend I have had. And I've been sleeping with FI for almost four years now. And I am actually really looking forward to our first night together as husband and wife, because it will be a new emotion/feeling along with the sex. Sometimes it's just sex for sex and passion's sake, and sometimes it's sex with romance and closeness. And when we get married, it will be extremely romantic, and special.
P.S. Just because people are saying you're offensive, doesn't mean everyone who posts in dissent with you is getting all red in the face or choking back tears. We're just expressing that you're being judgmental.
ETA: It makes absolutely 0% difference to me what someone else decides to do with their sexual decisions. I couldn't care less if I tried. I know six other couples getting married within the next six months, and it has never occurred to me to wonder if they've waited.
I have had some very bad sex. And while sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, it certainly is important. People get divorces because of sexual incompatibility and frustrations, etc. I couldn't imagine if I had married this man and we ended up having very bad sex together. Yes, I love him, but over time the bad sex is going to cause resentment and frustration, and could drive you apart.
That being said, to each their own. But don't cheapen my wedding night just because you (general "you" not the OP) don't agree with sex before marriage.
Didn't read through all the previous posts because I'm coming into it late and there's like 100+ already lol; just going to answer the OP's post. I didn't wait and can't imagine waiting. To me, sex is an enjoyable part of a relationship and I would not wait and hope that my FI and I are sexually compatible after entering into what will hopefully be a once in our lifetimes committment. I wouldn't want to be married to someone I'm not sexually compatible with any more than I'd want to marry someone who's religion contradicts mine or someone who disagrees with me on how I think kids should be raised.
Obviously there are many things that can be talked about prior to marriage and good communication is critical, but I don't think sex is one of them. I like sex, and no amount of conversation is going to determine if two people who like and plan to enjoy sex regularly will enjoy having sex with each other. However, if two people are both in agreement that sex is just for reproduction or they have similar religious or moral thoughts on the matter and it's not something to just have for fun, sure, chances are the man's penis will be compatible with the woman's vagina and a kid can result if they put the two together at the right time, and in those cases they're probably fine waiting for marrage and will never regret it.
I'm coming late to this, but OP, you most certainly did skew any results you might have been looking for by poorly wording your query. You put yourself and your own opinions into a survey question.
FWIW: I read your question the same way many others did. What you wrote came out as "My FI and waiting to have sex until after the ceremony, and our wedding night will be SOOOOOOOOO much better because of it."
But gosh, good luck to you. I sincerely hope that you find out that you're sexually compatible.
"Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?
Planning Bio | Married Bio
But then, I'm not religious, so I don't have any religious reasons that would keep me from living with someone or sleeping with them. For those who do, I think that's a valid reason to wait.
Is the wedding night "less special"....no, I don't think so. It's still your first night together as husband and wife, whatever you have done together up to that point, it hasn't been as a married couple.
</div><div>Given that I *clearly stated* that I honestly just wanted to know opinions, I also think it's a little presumptious to "get offended" about how I worded it.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I for one did find your tone a little condescending in your OP. If you have our own opinions that's fine but isn't reporting all about being objective and letting your opinions slide to properly illustrate what the answers are without bias? .
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]</div><div>Well, first of all I'm not a reporter (even though I did mention reporting to attempt to make an analogy to show why I don't think it's easy to even be unbiased in asking a question.) And secondly, since I'm not even planning on consolidating your answers into a book or anything, (as I've now stated several times, I am just curious about people's thoughts and trying to engage in interesting dialogue!) I am not attempting to "properly illustrate" those answers!</div><div>
</div><div>I think, that given how acceptable in our society it is to live and sleep together before the wedding, I think it is actually appropriate to put the majority on the defensive. It is more important to be sensitive to the minority. Or can anyone tell me a case where that isn't true?</div><div>
</div><div>If I had asked the same question about, say, pierced ears, maybe even more bluntly, "I know most people have pierced ears, I don't; in fact, I think it's a little weird, but could you tell me why you do? Are you glad that got them pierced when you did? etc." I can't imagine that I would have gotten as many people saying how "offended" they were at the question.</div><div>Interesting. (there's probably an obvious difference, like sex is personal and pierced ears aren't?) But still, with people insisiting on how sleeping together isn't a "big deal" (not necessarily in this post, but in the world in general,) it does make me wonder why people are getting so offended. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I think this is kind of a dumb question, sorry OP.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]</div><div>um, ok. well, nobody really asked you if that's what you thought, or forced you to write a really long response, (which you did...) </div><div>
</div><div>I actually have found many of the responses interesting, and even have a clearer understanding of some of the reasoning behind those who different opininons than mine. so, thanks everyone, who has answered already! :-)</div><div>
</div><div>(edited to say "some people" instead of "everyone")</div>
It's an interesting question to me. Times are changing and people's thoughts on these subjects are changing. I find it interesting to hear why some people choose to wait because that is just completely foreign to me.
Go with the posting flow around here - people will respond how they want. You don't have to defend every little objection anyone makes.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I'm sorry that you are so easily offended. Shouldn't the fact that it is worded in such a way that is *seeking* clarification (from someone who may not actually know) make it not offensive? <strong>It is not "implying" anything. It is asking what you did (if anything) to make it extra special. If you didn't do anything extra special, or didn't feel the need to, you can just say that.</strong> There is no need to get offended. Nor is anyone implying that it cheapens your wedding. The main question was just "are you glad that you did what you did."
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
I don't think you need "enhance" your wedding night if you've had sex prior to marriage. Think of it more like this: your wedding night is already special. It would be your FIRST time as a married couple, which is special in and of itself. You are celebrating a commitment you made to one another and there does not need to be any 'special' arrangements made to boost the occasion.
[QUOTE]OP - why does anyone have to be on the defensive? There is no right or wrong here.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]
I wish I knew! Other people were using words like "offended," "pissed off," and "condescension" first! I would actually prefer if people just answered the question and didn't try to fix motives or judgements onto the original question. Although, yes, I agree with a PP, it's not really up to me to attempt to correct every single person who happens to "be offended," I have the time, so, why not? :-)
You basically wrote that everyone who had sex with their FI before the wedding night wouldn't have an as special night. It's just the way you worded it. I don't think anyone here took offense but we're just saying if you want clear answers, ask clear questions.
Example:
Did you wait to have sex before you got married? Yes or no
No one would have accused you of being condescending had you worded it that way.
Our wedding date is November 12, 2011
RSVP Date October 12th, 2011
the only waiting i did was when we met.. me and FI didn't do anything until three weeks after we met. i have been hurt and used before so i wanted to make sure he wasn't there just for sex. personally i wouldn't wait until marriage. and i agree with what summer2011bride said...
You are making judgements that if you had sex, then sex isn't special. That having sex devalues it. Which honestly I find sad. Sex is always special, it gets more & more special (not less). The first time is bad, not "special" (in my opinion).
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I wish I knew! Other people were using words like "offended," "pissed off," and "condescension" first! I would actually prefer if people just answered the question and didn't try to fix motives or judgements onto the original question. Although, yes, I agree with a PP, it's not really up to me to attempt to correct every single person who happens to "be offended," I have the time, so, why not? :-)
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
Look, OP, you made a judgmental statement whether you intended to or not. So just own it and move on. There's no use in trying to argue that you didn't because most of us here are fairly intelligent and can recognize what it is you were really saying, again, whether you meant to or not.
[QUOTE]IMP, is your sig a pic of your cake topper? They are adorable!
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you! Yep, that was our cake topper. They now sit on a side table in our living room :)</div><div>
</div>
Planning Bio | Married Bio
Wedding night FAIL.
http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
[QUOTE]some people keep referencing my "tone" in the OP. Ok, ok, sorry, I happen to have a personal bias; althoughmore reason for me to be curious about the thoughts of those who disagree with me! when I posted the original question, I was honestly not aware at all that there was a negative tone to my post, thanks for making me aware of that. Given that I *clearly stated* that I honestly just wanted to know opinions, I also think it's a little presumptious to "get offended" about how I worded it. Well, first of all I'm not a reporter (even though I did mention reporting to attempt to make an analogy to show why I don't think it's easy to even be unbiased in asking a question.) And secondly, since I'm not even planning on consolidating your answers into a book or anything, (as I've now stated several times, I am just curious about people's thoughts and trying to engage in interesting dialogue!) I am not attempting to "properly illustrate" those answers! I think, that given how acceptable in our society it is to live and sleep together before the wedding, I think it is actually appropriate to put the majority on the defensive. It is more important to be sensitive to the minority. Or can anyone tell me a case where that isn't true? If I had asked the same question about, say, pierced ears, maybe even more bluntly, "I know most people have pierced ears, I don't; in fact, I think it's a little weird, but could you tell me why you do? Are you glad that got them pierced when you did? etc." I can't imagine that I would have gotten as many people saying how "offended" they were at the question. Interesting. (there's probably an obvious difference, like sex is personal and pierced ears aren't?) But still, with people insisiting on how sleeping together isn't a "big deal" (not necessarily in this post, but in the world in general,) it does make me wonder why people are getting so offended. <strong>um, ok. well, nobody really asked you if that's what you thought, or forced you to write a really long response, (which you did...)</strong> I actually have found many of the responses interesting, and even have a clearer understanding of some of the reasoning behind those who different opininons than mine. so, thanks everyone, who has answered already! :-) (edited to say "some people" instead of "everyone")
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
You're right, no one forced me to write a long response. I do what I want.
And I thought the long response was rather thoughtful, but whatever. You're still annoying as hell. There are plenty of ways to have this discussion without coming off like a condescending brat like you have been doing.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : You know, not every couple who waits has unrealistic expectations about the wedding night. Not every couple who waits expects sex to be amazing the first time. Yes, some do but I personally find this assumption offensive and it's an irritating argument for why people don't want to wait until their wedding right. I'm not saying that either way is more right than the other but that line is so ridiculous IMO.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
'Irritating argument for why people don't want to wait.' <div>That's pretty condescending too isn't it? Your bias comes out pretty strongly in your post, but you 'aren't saying one way is more right than the other.' </div><div>Presumably, you're an adult, at least own your opinion and admit you have one.</div>
[QUOTE]I think people took issue with the wording of your question, and your suggestion that the only thing special about a wedding night was sex, and if you didn't have sex for the first time, that your wedding night wasn't some how special. That's what you meant with the asinine "clarification" questions about going out with friends, etc, right? <strong>Admit that you had a bias and that you think that our wedding nights were not special if we had already had sex. Its ok for you to have that opinion, but don't act like you don't and then try to be all innocent and unbiased. Own your opinions. Grow up. </strong>
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
This. If you truly didn't have an opinion, then you would have asked a straightforward question and not thrown in the whole "well now it's not special anymore" comment. Whether or not you did this intentionally to voice your opinion, that's exactly what you did. I wouldn't have a problem with it if you just said "I think this, what do you think?" and left it open for opinions. But the way you said it came off as judgemental and trying to defend every little position just makes it seem more so that way.
FTR, neither FI or I were virgins when we met, so we obviously didn't wait till marriage with each other. But our wedding night won't be 'just like every other night' just because we've already had sex. It will be special because it's our freaking wedding night.
Marriage is about love and commitment, not about getting 'permission' to finally have sex. I think it's very admirable of people who want to wait for their own reasons, but to assume that marriage means nothing to those who didn't is completely naive.
[QUOTE].
If my first time was my wedding night, I would have been scared and, eventually, let down. Sex just isn't good the first time around. It can be weird, awkward, and a bit uncomfortable.
Marriage is not 100% about sex. It's about a partnership, mutual respect and agreeing to be in each other's corner for the rest of our lives. Sex is only a small part of that.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
I agree, and very well said.
My H and I lived together 2 years before marriage which I think was a great idea (at least for us) I respect any couple who wants to wait for marriage to sleep together, we did not wait and there is not a single thing I regret. One thing that makes me think... I had an ex-boyfriend who I hated to kiss (everytime he kissed me all I could think of was that he reminded me of a snapper turtle) We never slept together, but I think you should become close to a person before marriage to see if there is things you just can not live with - as shallow as that can sound (but I would not have been able to be with that snapper turtle!)
And if we would have waited for the wedding night it would have been disappointing because of circumstances - I went to bed early with a terrible stomach ache while H went to the casino with a friend (we were in Las Vegas)
H and I weren't virgins when we met, and we had sex before marriage. (Ack! Don't tell the girls on the Catholic board!)
However, we did abstain from sex for months before the wedding as a choice. When we decided to marry in the Catholic church, we decided that abstaining until the wedding was the next best thing, sort of like fasting during Lent. It certainly helped me feel okay about my reconciliation right before the wedding!
The wedding night was special, not just because we abstained, but because that was our first time together as a married couple. We had just gone through a sacrament and celebrated with our dearest friends and family. Of course that night was special, even if it wasn't our first time ever having sex.
I hope that helps.
Personally, I could never wait. I could never commit to someone for life without building that bond and feeling our sexual chemistry. No, sex is not everything in a marriage, but for me bad sex could kill it. I'm a very sexual person. One of the reasons I am is that there are times in relationships when I shut down emotionally (FI does the same thing). Sex or "making love" (if you want to call it that) brings us back together in those times. Some of the best talks we've had have been after a god roll in the hay.
Furthermore, what if your FI is into some freaky shiit? I wouldn't want to get a couple years into a marriage and find out that he has fetishes I just can't get onboard with.
Even though we have already been together our wedding night will still be very special to us ( eh or the night after)
I respect the people who wait until marriage, but it just did not work out for me.
Remembering Robby
Yep, I've had sex with every serious boyfriend I have had. And I've been sleeping with FI for almost four years now. And I am actually really looking forward to our first night together as husband and wife, because it will be a new emotion/feeling along with the sex. Sometimes it's just sex for sex and passion's sake, and sometimes it's sex with romance and closeness. And when we get married, it will be extremely romantic, and special.
P.S. Just because people are saying you're offensive, doesn't mean everyone who posts in dissent with you is getting all red in the face or choking back tears. We're just expressing that you're being judgmental.
ETA: It makes absolutely 0% difference to me what someone else decides to do with their sexual decisions. I couldn't care less if I tried. I know six other couples getting married within the next six months, and it has never occurred to me to wonder if they've waited.
That being said, to each their own. But don't cheapen my wedding night just because you (general "you" not the OP) don't agree with sex before marriage.
Obviously there are many things that can be talked about prior to marriage and good communication is critical, but I don't think sex is one of them. I like sex, and no amount of conversation is going to determine if two people who like and plan to enjoy sex regularly will enjoy having sex with each other. However, if two people are both in agreement that sex is just for reproduction or they have similar religious or moral thoughts on the matter and it's not something to just have for fun, sure, chances are the man's penis will be compatible with the woman's vagina and a kid can result if they put the two together at the right time, and in those cases they're probably fine waiting for marrage and will never regret it.
Married in Vegas - June 2011
FWIW: I read your question the same way many others did. What you wrote came out as "My FI and waiting to have sex until after the ceremony, and our wedding night will be SOOOOOOOOO much better because of it."
But gosh, good luck to you. I sincerely hope that you find out that you're sexually compatible.