so, I'm in a wedding again.

Birdie1483 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:ad27e2de-a505-4d62-9a70-936dfac98a5d">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]i for one am sick and tired of other people's weddings costing me money. i'm sorry, but getting married isnt really an accomplishment. i mean, anyone can do it. why does it warrant a bazillion AW events and a ridiculous AW wedding day? a successful, happy marriage is an accomplishment. actually getting to the altar isnt.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

LOL tell us how you really feel Calypso <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

Ok, we did a weekend for my bachelorette. However, it was like $125 a person for the whole weekend. It was me and my BMs, we rented a cabin, we went to Oktoberfest, we came back, made our own dinner, and watched chick flicks and drank. Also, I didn't have a shower, so that was my only pre-wedding party. Also, my BMs didn't pay for anything else wedding-related. Well, one bought new shoes and a necklace. That's it.

I can't imagine buying dinner Friday, lunch and dinner Saturday, wine or spa, AND drinks at a club. Crazy. By my calculations, just the wine tour, bar and hotel will run you at least $250. If they want to do an overnight, I'd just make it Saturday night. So, like, maybe manis/pedis on Saturday, then dinner and drinks, then call it a night.

And 2 showers? I would tell her you won't be contributing to those.

laurenclaire1386 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:ad27e2de-a505-4d62-9a70-936dfac98a5d">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]i for one am sick and tired of other people's weddings costing me money. i'm sorry, but getting married isnt really an accomplishment. i mean, anyone can do it. why does it warrant a bazillion AW events and a ridiculous AW wedding day?<strong> a successful, happy marriage is an accomplishment</strong>. actually getting to the altar isnt.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
But if you change your name, you're a loser. No matter how happy and successful your marriage is.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:8daca537-d310-4050-8b2a-fa4230ddef07">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: so, I'm in a wedding again. : But if you change your name, you're a loser. No matter how happy and successful your marriage is.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Ditto. Keeping your maiden name is a direct indicator of a successful marriage.

laladypoet · November 2010

should I talk to the bride about this, do you think?

eastunder1 · November 2010

Hmmmm...

I would start with some niceties about how excited you are for the wedding and that you know she is too.

I would (sorry) offer your home for the bridal shower. It wont actually cost you anything more to do and will make you look like you want to be part of the team, which is good considering step three....

I would tell her straight out you can not afford the bachelorette weekend. Tell her you anticipate having a general number you can contribute, but thats it. Tell her you're excited about doing something for bride friend but that is simply too much for you to participate in. But you will be happy to contribute to a smaller portion of it and just take part in that (like the stupid ass stripper show. YAY cliched cheese!!)

I would next tell her that you think she should talk to the other bridesmaids to see what their budgets and ideas are on the weekend because they may be in the same boat you are. Because of course we all want the absolute best for bride friend, but we also have to be realistic about what we in a recession and tough times can reasonably afford. because we know the bride would never want her bms going into debt to throw her a party. And of course we are all very excited but we need to get on the same page.

Finally I would tell her that only losers use comic sans. Because, come on. is she twelve?

Then I would throw some more bullshit in there and how OMG SQUUEEEE this wedding is going to be awesome to end it on a positive note and sign off. And then write myself a sticky note reminding myself to never be a bm in a wedding ever again.

And yes, she may get grumbly and pissy with you about being the one to bring her back to reality instead of just jumping on this insanity train. BUT WHO CARES. Who cares if this random stranger you dont know now and will never see again after the wedding gets irritated with you? You aren't being rude, you're standing up for yourself and your finances. And there's nothing wrong with that. And honestly, the other bridesmaids are probably feeling exactly as you are, and are just too worried about not rocking the boat to say something either. Theyll be grateful to you for saying something. Unless theyre all made of money too. Then you just need to run. RUN.

edit: (because its not long enough already.) I would speak to the MOH, and if that doesnt work, the other BMS before consulting the bride. Do you havwe the other bms emails? I would shoot them one that just vaguely asks: what do you guys think about all these showers and things MOH has planned? and see what they say. You all could band together and just shut the moh down. I would talk to the bride as an absolute last resort, when youre considering dropping out because you dont know what else to do.

kikibaby · November 2010

I hate how expensive weddings can be, too. My SIL's was in Mexico, and cost us about $3000 to attend, and my BFF just told me hers will be in St. Lucia. I know I had a DW, but it was just Vegas. Why can't people do good ol' domestic weddings with a shitton of showers?

laurenclaire1386 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:6d65c704-96ac-428e-a671-8d2fbf08b134">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]should I talk to the bride about this, do you think?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]
I probably would. Since you obviously care about her a lot, I think being honest with her and telling her you just can't afford everything the MOH wants to do might be good.

banana468 · November 2010

I wouldn't talk to the bride yet. Only if it gets "ugly" would I mention it to her.

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:6d65c704-96ac-428e-a671-8d2fbf08b134">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]should I talk to the bride about this, do you think?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

The one thing I noticed about her letter is that she said she already talked to the bride about potential dates for the events. So that scares me that the bride is already okay with all of this. But it might be worth a try. She might have only approved weekends that she was available or something and not know that she is planning all of these things. I know if this was happening in my WP and one of the BMs was having a difficult time with it, I would want to know. I would never want one of my BMs to go broke for my wedding, or to drop out of it because of my parties.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:8bd9cfd0-c860-4508-9037-64ffd6a769d3">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes! And how does wine tasting cost that much? Jeez.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

In CA, most wine tours cost about $100/person. They pick you up at the hotel, drive you out to the wineries, give you lunch (which is good, btw), give you a wine glass, and include the tasting fees in the cost. We did one in Santa Barbara and went to 4 wineries. Plus, our tour group got discounts on bottles. It is a bit steep, I'll admit. Which is why people should check and not assume someone can do it!

Birdie1483 · November 2010

I agree with LC. I feel like she might be more open to your budget constraints than MOH would be and she might be able to put MOH in her place.

laladypoet · November 2010

thank you eastie. I sent R an email yesterday saying I couldn't afford the whole b-party weekend, but would be there for part of it. do you think me sending a second email would be overkill on my part?

crfische · November 2010

I don't understand the concept of planning a party that you cannot pay for.

For all the bridal crap I've done, I've planned the party and planned to pay for it, unless people offered to chip in prior to plans being made. People offer to chip in and help? Awesome. I'm all over it but will plan the party with them to make sure all of our finances were taken into consideration, but I wouldn't plan a party or 17 parties that I couldn't afford.

But yeah. A fun night in with wine and pizza with your best buds is just as awesome as a crzy night out with strippers and lingerie that people will feel obligated to buy.

mandysmear · November 2010

Depending on the bride I would. If she's one of those "ZOMG I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!" Bridezillas, no. She'd probably get super stressed and freaked out. Was bride friend the maid of honour in MOHzilla's wedding?

Bubbalub · November 2010

I think I would send the email to the MOH first, see what her response is, then consider talking to the bride. If the MOH says "OMG, I didn't even think about that, I was just so excited for L and want her to have an awesome time! Let's have a group BM chat about what we can all realistically afford to do." then you're good. But if she gives you shitt, then talk to the bride and voice your concerns that you don't want to have to drop out of her wedding because of cost but MOH is crazy and expects everyone to spend a ton of money that they can't afford and won't listen to reason.

FutureMrsTR · November 2010

If you want an excuse to send a second e-mail use the offering your house for the shower as a reason for e-mail #2.

And I wouldn't mention it to the bride until you've seen how the MOH reacts to your e-mail(s). If she's pretty open to discussing options then you don't need to mention anything to the bride until it comes down to "Well, I won't be there for this part...blah blah blah". I think it might just make her feel bad at this point, kwim?

Snippylynn · November 2010

I don't think it's going to be overkill, just toss in a "I've been thinking about this more and really think that all of us should be included and discuss this" kind of thing.

Beachy730 · November 2010

I agree with the other posters to wait and see how MOH reacts to your emails. If she is understanding then you don't need to alarm the bride. But if not I would definitely be talking to the bride.

eastunder1 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:4c341132-43ae-40d2-bba2-837c16facb55">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]thank you eastie. I sent R an email yesterday saying I couldn't afford the whole b-party weekend, but would be there for part of it. do you think me sending a second email would be overkill on my part?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

I would wait until she replied to that one, then go from there. Might I recommend taking her to pizza hut?

[Deleted User] · November 2010

Is a couple's shower the same thing as an engagement party? Either way, overkill.
If that's what it takes to be in a wedding, I hope I am never asked to be a BM or MOH.

Pirata13 · November 2010

I was thinking the same as dnbeach--does the bride know she is planning all of this or just offering dates thinking oh well she's planning a shower & bach weekend. As in all same weekend. I'd see how MOH responds, and as PP said try reaching out to other BMs as well. If all else fails, talk to the bride.

For my bach dinner and my BFF's this weekend, we went to our favorite local restaurant, which is BYOB. We know the owner and staff well, they took great care of us and we had a blast. Bought several boxes/liters of wine and we were good to go!

laladypoet · November 2010

thanks y'all. it's good to know I'm not crazy! well, about this anyway.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:6d65c704-96ac-428e-a671-8d2fbf08b134">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]should I talk to the bride about this, do you think?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

Not yet. See what BMzilla says. I agree with East - offer your home for a couples' shower on the condition that you guys are only throwing one shower. And tell her you won't be able to contribute cash, but you can make a buffalo chicken dip. Done. Try to talk down the b-party to an overnight or just a day thing. I'd tell her straight out, "I'm budgeting X amount for the b-party (not including the dress and shoes - I already talked to K about my budget for that), because that's what I can afford at the moment."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

Wait, there's a stripper thing? I missed that in the email. Where?

laladypoet · November 2010

They have a mischief package or an X-rated package that could work for us. (I like the Mischief Package and I found a GREAT designer that makes “Last Fling before the Bling” shirts!)

I don't know what the X-rated package is, but I'm guessing that's the stripper type thing people are referring to. I'm assuming there's lots of penises involved.

and I don't know how to get out of comic sans. dammit.

Rosie109 · November 2010

but we can go from there.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-wedding-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2c990469-fd3b-4bed-9e41-9f085c6c1788Post:39a6024f-4995-4038-8974-62c9a97b2360">Re: so, I'm in a wedding again.</a>:
[QUOTE]They have a mischief package or an X-rated package that could work for us. (I like the Mischief Package and I found a GREAT designer that makes “Last Fling before the Bling” shirts!) I don't know what the X-rated package is, but I'm guessing that's the stripper type thing people are referring to. I'm assuming there's lots of penises involved. and I don't know how to get out of comic sans. dammit.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

Somehow I can't picture there being penises at a piano bar. I wonder exactly how X-rated the "X-rated package" is.

botticelliangel6 · November 2010

It's very common for BM's to host; mine did. But we kept it very low key and (I hope) cheap.

If you can't afford it communicate that to her and see what she says; maybe she doesn't mean to be so overbearing and was just tossing out initial ideas to work from.

StephieBow · November 2010

I think two showers is a bit overkill - maybe if the couples shower was more of a Jack and Jill it would make a BIT more sense.

We had an engagement party with our family and bridal party only. My shower will be in the spring - organized by my MOH and BMs but paid for by my mom (and potientlly my future MIL)

The Bachelorette will be 100% planned by my MOH and BMs but each guest will pay their share of the night. Honestly though - most bachelorettes and bachelor parties lately are running between $80 - $200 for the party/weekend which is crazy.

Good luck! I am trying to mimimize costs for my MOH and BMs as much as I can and be aware of their budget. My MOH is also taking this under consideration and this MOH should be too!

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