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I need help!

amyelleramyeller
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in Chit Chat
I am in desparate need of advice.  This is an AE because I am too asheamed to ask under my real SN.

FI and I are getting married in a few weeks and I love him dearly.  But I have been having an affair with my FFIL for over a year now.  I don't even know how this all happened, but it did.  Now I don't know what to do.

I have know FI for ten years and FFIL has always been someone I admired and looked up to.  Before FI and I got engaged I sensed an attraction but always ignored it.  After FI asked me to marry his the attraction grow stronger.  I love my FI and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I love FFIL too.  He is an amazing person and he cares for me deeply.  I always ask him if he wants me to leave his son for him but he never answers.  I don't want to hurt FI but I don't want to hurt FFIL either.  I want to marry FI but sometimes I feel like I could marry FFIL and be even happeir.  I just don't know what to do.

The only other person who knows about the affair is my MOH and she says I need to cancel the wedding but I don't want to.  She even threatened to step down as MOH if I didn't cancel the wedding or break up with FFIL.  I don't feel like she's being supportive of my feeling and she doens't understand how badly I need her right now in my life.  I have never been so confused.
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Re: I need help!

  • LeguLegu member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Just to forewarn you... Be prepared to get some very frank replies to this. Personally, the only thing I can offer... If you truly loved FI, the affair would never have happened, and you wouldn't feel torn up now. I'm gonna say what everyone else is gonna say... At least postpone the wedding, and TELL FI!
    So, maybe things don't always go as planned... Maybe that's okay. I may be alone for now, but my baby boy is on his way, and I wouldn't change a thing.
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited April 2012

    Your MOH is right - you need to call off the wedding.  Do you seriously not see how horrifically unfair it would be to your FI to go through with the wedding when you're banging his dad?  Talk about the ultimate betrayal of the poor guy's trust.  Even if you broke things off with FFIL right this very second and never even looked at him again, you still shouldn't marry your FI without coming clean first.  He deserves to know exactly what kind of person he's marrying, and to make his own choice about whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  If you really care for your FI (as you claim to), then act like it and tell him the truth.  That's the very least he deserves from you.

    And seriously?  Your MOH is 100% right - your feelings are really the least of anyone's problems in this sad, fuucked up situation.

    ETA:  And I know this is probably MUD, but on the off chance that this disturbing, sick mess is real, I felt like I had to respond seriously.

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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper

    Sorry for the confusion, OP.  This is not the Jerry Springer Audition Board.

    Take your crazy someplace else.  We're all stocked up here.


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I too believe this is made up, but on the odd chance it's true:

    You need to come clean and call off the wedding.  Not only is it the right thing to do, but it sounds like your MOH is going to out you anyway. 
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:cb774f02-3975-426a-b860-c0114ffd1988">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I too believe this is made up, but on the odd chance it's true: You need to come clean and call off the wedding.  Not only is it the right thing to do, but <strong>it sounds like your MOH is going to out you anyway. 
    </strong>Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    On the off chance she decides to do this at the wedding, I'd really like to watch.
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Oh, and OP, you need psychiatric help.  Either because this problem is real and you're banging your fiance's dad, or because this is MUD and you need help figuring out how to get a freakin' life.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:bfdf55b1-57e7-4317-ab77-cffa3515d11e">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need help! : On the off chance she decides to do this at the wedding, I'd really like to watch.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    <div>If she could pull the FI out and save him from it, I would too.  But sadly, it would hurt the FI more than the skank to do this.  </div>
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  • amyelleramyeller
    First Comment
    Well not everyone can be as perfect as you LingerLonger so I'm sorry I don't measure up to your standards.  And I dont appreciate your tone.  Your legal advice stinks.

    Milk, my FMIL is dead.  She died six years ago.

    I think FFIL gets quite when I ask him what to do because he just doesnt know what I should do.  I think he loves me too but doesn't want to hurt his son.  I have know both of them for so long I don't know what I would do without either one of them in my life.

    I just feel really alone in this.  Either way I hurt someone.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If this isn't MUD then wow!

    So OP, you have been hooking up with your FFIL for over a year and only now when you are close to your wedding day do you even give what you are doing a second thought?  Honestly, the first time you screwed your FFIL you should have broken everything off with both your FFIL and your FI. 

    Also, not only will you hurt someone you will also be seriously mucking up the father/son relationship that your FI and his father have.  Can you imagine how much that will mess with your FI head?

    I agree with your MOH.  You need to cancel this wedding pronto and break things off with both men.  I also think your MOH has been more then supportive over the year.  She has kept this whole mess a secret and has been trying to give you advice on what to do.  I think she is just tired of covering for you and has every right to be repulsed by what you are doing.  Just because you two are friends does not mean that she has to respect all of your decisions.

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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Amy, here's the thing - you're hurting both of them no matter what.  You're actively hurting both of them right now, the only catch is your FI doesn't know it yet.  So get over this idea that there's going to be some magical solution where you get to keep both of them in your life - that's never going to happen.  What you are doing to your FI right now is disgusting - you're lying to him and betraying him with the one person alive in this world who is supposed to protect him and on whom he's supposed to be able to rely.  Call off the wedding and come clean to your FI.  It's the only fair thing to do here.  Will that cost you your relationship with FI?  Yes.  It will (unless your FI is even more emotionally disturbed than you are).  But you gave up your right to that relationship when you hopped into bed with FFIL.  You were a big enough girl to take action, so quit being a coward and own up to the consequences of your actions.

    Also, stop playing victim - you created this situation, the moment you acted on your attraction to FFIL.  This isn't some sad Romeo-and-Juliet star-crossed lovers bullsh!t.  YOU ARE BANGING YOUR FIANCE'S DAD BEHIND HIS BACK.  There's nothing romantic or sympathetic about that.  Come clean and check yourself into therapy.  It's the only way you will have a shot in hell at some semblance of a normal life after this clusterf*ck.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:10442ee4-de55-4d7e-a87f-83efa1f64a09">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well not everyone can be as perfect as you LingerLonger so I'm sorry I don't measure up to your standards.  And I dont appreciate your tone.  Your legal advice stinks. Milk, my FMIL is dead.  She died six years ago. I think FFIL gets quite when I ask him what to do because he just doesnt know what I should do.  I think he loves me too but doesn't want to hurt his son.  I have know both of them for so long I don't know what I would do without either one of them in my life. I just feel really alone in this.  Either way I hurt someone.
    Posted by amyeller[/QUOTE]

    <div>Honey, when you start banging your FFIL and plan to go ahead with the wedding anyway, you give up all rights to be indignant about anything anyone else does.  </div>
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:5c5fde64-9157-4962-b8af-f4f6be716c41">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need help! : <strong>Perhaps you should start banging a 3rd person to make you feel not so alone.</strong> If this is real, minimize the hurt and be honest with your FI. Better to rip his heart out now instead of when you're his wife.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
    LOVE this!! Hahahaha<div>
    </div><div>Maybe MOH will have a change of heart and you can throw her into a threesome with you and FFIL!</div>
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  • amyelleramyeller
    First Comment
    LingerLong, please dont call me scum.  That is uncalled for.  You dont know me and you have no idea what I'm going through and I don't need to be bullied by some bitch on the knot.  I need real advice.  Invitations already went out. 
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    "Invitations already went out" isn't going to change our answers.  This is WRONG.  VERY VERY VERY WRONG.  And you may not be scum, but you're acting pretty scummy.  Cheating on a SO is bad enough - but to cheat with your SO's parent?  How can you not see how absolutely horrifyingly awful that kind of behavior is?
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:803e1395-adca-48ab-ae2f-031a907d9006">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>LingerLong, please dont call me scum. </strong> That is uncalled for.  You dont know me and you have no idea what I'm going through and I don't need to be bullied by some bitch on the knot.  I need real advice.  <strong>Invitations already went out. </strong>
    Posted by amyeller[/QUOTE]
    She was calling it like she sees it. Scum = someone who is cheating on her FI with her FI's father. Seriously, don't you see how terribly awful and horrible you are being?<div>
    </div><div>Invitations already going out doesn't mean you have to go through with the wedding. Plenty of people call off or postpone weddings after sending the invitations. This is not a good reason to go through with the marriage.</div><div>
    </div><div>Does anyone else feel like this poster saw all the responses in <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me_.0">THIS</a> thread and decided to make it the same scenario but much juicier by making the other guy the FFIL? I think it's MUD but if it's not, you really are scum, OP.</div>
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    And as for what to do:

    Step 1:  Tell FI's dad you're going to tell FI that the two of you are banging.  (So he's prepared when your FI shows up and punches him in the face.)
    Step 2:  Tell FI you're banging his dad.
    Step 3:  Call your wedding guests and let them know the wedding will not be taking place.  (You could also do this by sending out postcards saying "The wedding of DadF*cker and PoorFiance will not take place as planned," but since you're so close to the wedding phone calls might be a safer bet.)
    Step 4:  Find a competent therapist.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:803e1395-adca-48ab-ae2f-031a907d9006">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]LingerLong, please dont call me scum.  That is uncalled for.  You dont know me and you have no idea what I'm going through and I don't need to be bullied by some bitch on the knot.  I need real advice.  Invitations already went out. 
    Posted by amyeller[/QUOTE]

    <div>It was perfectly called for.  You are banging your FI's father and planning to go through with the wedding anyway.  If that doesn't fit the definition of scum, I don't know what is.</div><div>
    </div><div>The only advice anyone can give you is to come clean with FI and call off the wedding.  You've heard that from your MOH for a while, and you know it's the right thing to do.  No one is going to tell you anything else.  You need to look in the mirror and see just how disgusting your actions are.  Until you are willing to admit how low you've gone, there is nothing anyone can do to help you.</div>
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:4e427b9d-6e3d-403d-be61-6b1ed36f2b2a">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]And as for what to do: Step 1:  Tell FI's dad you're going to tell FI that the two of you are banging.  (So he's prepared when your FI shows up and punches him in the face.) Step 2:  Tell FI you're banging his dad. Step 3:  Call your wedding guests and let them know the wedding will not be taking place.  (You could also do this by sending out postcards saying <strong>"The wedding of DadF*cker and PoorFiance will not take place as planned,"</strong> but since you're so close to the wedding phone calls might be a safer bet.) Step 4:  Find a competent therapist.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
    Hehehehe love it.
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:bc484066-ab86-4955-9152-154aa3a2bc01">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's exactly what I thought it was modeled after when I first read it, Ace.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
    Great minds and all ;)
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:bc484066-ab86-4955-9152-154aa3a2bc01">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's exactly what I thought it was modeled after when I first read it, Ace.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    <div>I was thinking the same.</div><div>
    </div><div>I also think that someone who makes this up for their own entertainment is pretty f'ed up anyway.  Daddy issues, much?</div>
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:d90a195a-da50-4545-8e84-122d27d50167">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need help! : Are you sure you want to align yourself with a bitch like me? ;-)
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
    Yes, if being a bitch means calling someone out for exactly what she is!
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:9bee4466-7141-4303-acc8-e79dadcce970">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need help! : I was thinking the same. I also think that someone who makes this up for their own entertainment is pretty f'ed up anyway.  <strong>Daddy issues, much?</strong>
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
    Agreed. Gross. I can't imagine b0ning my FIL. Oh God. Shudder.
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  • amyelleramyeller
    First Comment
    Oh so Linger and others can call me scum and I can't fight back?  Good to know.  nevermind then.

    I know that what is happening is not right and I'm not defending it.  It is just so hard.  I cry at night all the time because I know that I am hurting FFIL and that it would kill FI to know.  It hurts me too.  Because YEs I am a human being and even though this is a terrible thing that I have done it doesn't mean that I'm not a good person deep inside.  I have just made a grave mistake and I don't  know how to make it right.  I love them both so much and the though of either of them hurting tears me apart inside in a million pieces.  My MOH was so understanding at first but now she's just in my face all the time.  I feel like I am going to die somedays..
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:0793e034-4c9b-4137-8161-60d0bcdd1f48">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh so Linger and others can call me scum and I can't fight back?  Good to know.  nevermind then. I know that what is happening is not right and I'm not defending it.  It is just so hard.  I cry at night all the time because I know that I am hurting FFIL and that it would kill FI to know.  It hurts me too.  Because YEs I am a human being and even though this is a terrible thing that I have done it doesn't mean that I'm not a good person deep inside.  I have just made a grave mistake and I don't  know how to make it right.  I love them both so much and the though of either of them hurting tears me apart inside in a million pieces.  My MOH was so understanding at first but now she's just in my face all the time.  I feel like I am going to die somedays..
    Posted by amyeller[/QUOTE]
    In the long run, your FI will hurt less if you 'fess up and tell him the truth. He will find out if you don't. He WILL. They always do, especially when the other person is this close to them. Stop being selfish and tell the poor guy the truth. He will be devastated but then at least he will know. You should NOT go forward with this wedding.
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:0793e034-4c9b-4137-8161-60d0bcdd1f48">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh so Linger and others can call me scum and I can't fight back?  Good to know.  nevermind then. I know that what is happening is not right and I'm not defending it.  It is just so hard.  I cry at night all the time because I know that I am hurting FFIL and that it would kill FI to know.  It hurts me too.  Because YEs I am a human being and even though this is a terrible thing that I have done it doesn't mean that I'm not a good person deep inside.  <strong>I have just made a grave mistake and <u>I don't  know how to make it right</u></strong>.  I love them both so much and the though of either of them hurting tears me apart inside in a million pieces.  My MOH was so understanding at first but now she's just in my face all the time.  I feel like I am going to die somedays..
    Posted by amyeller[/QUOTE]

    You damned well DO know how to make it right - come clean to your FI and call off the wedding.  You are just too selfish to do it, because as much as you claim to be oh-so-sad about this, right now, you're getting to have your cake and eat it too, and you don't want to give that up.  Newsflash:  This actually isn't about what <em>you</em> want, this is about what <em>your FI</em> deserves, and what he deserves is THE TRUTH.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:0793e034-4c9b-4137-8161-60d0bcdd1f48">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh so Linger and others can call me scum and I can't fight back?  Good to know.  nevermind then. I know that what is happening is not right and I'm not defending it.  It is just so hard.  I cry at night all the time because I know that I am hurting FFIL and that it would kill FI to know.  It hurts me too.  Because YEs I am a human being and even though this is a terrible thing that I have done <strong>it doesn't mean that I'm not a good person deep inside.  I have just made a grave mistake and I don't  know how to make it right.</strong>  I love them both so much and the though of either of them hurting tears me apart inside in a million pieces.  My MOH was so understanding at first but now she's just in my face all the time.  I feel like I am going to die somedays..
    Posted by amyeller[/QUOTE]

    <div>The fact that you've made a mistake doesn't mean you aren't a good person deep inside.  The fact that you refuse to do anything about it shows you are evil to the core.</div><div>
    </div><div>You know what to do to make it right.  Call off the wedding, end things with FFIL and get help.  I don't know how many times people can say this.  You just continue to ignore it.  </div>
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  • AceTTAceTT
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:ca756e3a-7e85-45bc-bbb0-640f22dadfc5">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need help! : You damned well DO know how to make it right - come clean to your FI and call off the wedding.  You are just too selfish to do it, because as much as you claim to be oh-so-sad about this, right now, you're getting to have your cake and eat it too, and you don't want to give that up.  Newsflash:  This actually isn't about what you want, this is about what your FI deserves, and what he deserves is THE TRUTH.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
    Yep. If you truly care about your FI, you will tell him the truth and call off the wedding. Don't go into this marriage on this huge lie. You yourself stated that you're in love with your FFIL; how can you possibly think it's OK to marry his son??
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    P.S. - Crying all the time and feeling like you're going to die?  That's your body's way of telling you YOU ARE DOING THE WRONG THING AND YOU SHOULD KNOCK IT THE F*CK OFF. 
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  • ChristineNBChristineNB
    First Comment
    I think the OP knew exactly what sort of advice she would get before she posted this.  And now she's upset that people are giving her that common sense advice... 


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-need-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b10973c8-7a8b-41d1-8d08-8e8376c0ab61Post:ef9623e1-15a2-4183-bed1-c3e2d35f05d9">Re: I need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need help! : Agreed. Gross. I can't imagine b0ning my FIL. Oh God. Shudder.
    Posted by AceTT[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's what I'm thinking.  My FIL is 5'2 with a bald spot and a pot belly.  And he's, you know, my husband's <em>father</em> and all.</div>
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