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Military Brides
Vergeer2012
member
Courthouse wedding before the big celebration?
Hey yall, I'm a first timer on these message boards but I feel I need to ask for advice from ladies that understand the military situation. My fiance is in the Navy and, because of the benefits I could receive in healthcare and such that I don't currently have, we were thinking of getting married at the courthouse soon and having the big party later (March 31) with the entire family. We are also moving out of state right after the March 31st wedding and will both be out of a job so any little extra money now will help us out later. My fear is that it will take away from the excitement of the big party then if we get married now so I am tossing back and forth whether we should just do the marriage paperwork and go about our day or actually have a little courthouse wedding. I just don't want the wedding in MArch when all of our family and friends will be there to be less exciting. I know it's common among military couples to get married on paper first and then have a big family celebration later so I guess I am asking how much it will really affect the celebration with family? Thanks ladies
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Re: Courthouse wedding before the big celebration?
If you are tossing back and forth on it, don't do it. If you have even a slight hesitation now, you won't be able to "take it back" later and may regret it, for a little TINY bit of extra money.
We have had this questions asked a LOT, so I would suggest scrolling down and looking for threads with a similar title to see our opinions on pros/cons regarding this topic. GL!
Before I give you any advice, I want you to know I JOP'd (not for benefits but because I wanted a JOP) then had a religious ceremony with my family because that is something they wanted. I don't want you to think that I am "out to get you" because I don't know the situation.
You will find that getting married for benefits or even just early for benefits is a HUGE taboo on this board. I don't know if it will take away the excitement for you, it didn't for me. I wasn't worried about it because, like I said, I wanted a JOP. I didn't have it because I thought I needed to. Is your FI retiring from the Navy that he will be out of a job in May?
ETA: What I'm trying to say is, I think that maybe if you are having a JOP for any other reason than you WANT a JOP, you should probably just skip the JOP and wait to be married at a ceremony with your family. I'm saying this for basically the same reason FTL is. If you do it and you are disappointed you can't take it back later.
[QUOTE]Hey yall, I'm a first timer on these message boards but I feel I need to ask for advice from ladies that understand the military situation. My fiance is in the Navy and, because of the benefits I could receive in healthcare and such that I don't currently have, we were thinking of getting married at the courthouse soon and having the big party later (March 31) with the entire family. We are also moving out of state right after the March 31st wedding and will both be out of a job so any little extra money now will help us out later. My fear is that it will take away from the excitement of the big party then if we get married now so I am tossing back and forth whether we should just do the marriage paperwork and go about our day or actually have a little courthouse wedding. I just don't want the wedding in MArch when all of our family and friends will be there to be less exciting. I know it's common among military couples to get married on paper first and then have a big family celebration later so I guess I am asking how much it will really affect the celebration with family? Thanks ladies
Posted by Vergeer2012[/QUOTE]
<div>I did not do this, so I have no input on whether or not it will take away from the big party down the road. TBH though, I think it would take away from it, but everyone is different. As Sammy said it didn't take away anything for her, but there is a poster on E who did this and says she is so mad at herself because they wasted so much money on a day that was just for show, and she didn't even enjoy herself at it. </div><div>
</div><div>Whatever you do, just be honest with everyone. If you choose to JOP and do a PPD (pretty princess day) later, be upfront and honest with everyone that you are already married. I personally had no desire to have a JOP wedding and a vow renewal later, and honestly don't see the point, but everyone is different. Basically, as long you're honest with everyone, I really don't care. But if you plan on doing a JOP and hiding the fact that you're married from everyone, then I have completely different opinions on the type of person who could do that. </div>
We did tell our families though, many people hide the fact, but we chose not to.
[QUOTE]Thank you all very much. I do know I want a JOP not just for the benefits but because I don't want to wait until March and I think we will be able to enjoy being married for a while before having to move (he is getting out of the navy and we are moving out of state the same month as the wedding... stressful and not my dream timeline but the circumstances can't be changed). So it's not that I am going back and forth on "if" we should get married now, it is more just a "how." Either just the paperwork or also include a small ceremony. Your posts have been a great help though and I think we may as well have a little ceremony just us and parents and my best friend since childhood because I'm seeing that this day will mean more to me than the PPD and that makes sense. I don't want to downplay the fact I'm getting married and I'm too excited to keep it a secret. I don't think anyone even semi happy about their marriage could really keep from talking about it but that's just my opinion.
Posted by Vergeer2012[/QUOTE]
Just so you know, there's no such thing as "just the paperwork" - that paperwork is what changes you from single people to a married couple. That paperwork is kind of a big deal. So I'd say make the most of the day you get married - have close family and friends and do a small ceremony just the way you want to do it. Wear white or not, whatever you want. And then if you want to do a big vow renewal later, then do that. If you find having a small ceremony is enough, then don't do the vow renewal.
Also, there's no reason you can't have a larger party now if that's what you want - don't believe the wedding industry that it takes a full year to put together. I got engaged in April, and I could have had my wedding the end of July without any real stress! Everything's already booked, just haven't picked invitations yet. If you're flexible and open minded, you could plan a wedding in a few weeks. So if you really want to get married soon, and you really want the big wedding, then why wait? Just do it all at once rather than have a vow renewal later!
But regardless of whether you do a big wedding soon or JOP and then a vow renewal later, definitely make the day you get married a special and memorable one. It really does only happen once, so even if you choose something small now, do it in a way you won't regret.
[QUOTE]Thank you all very much. I do know I want a JOP not just for the benefits but because I don't want to wait until March and I think we will be able to enjoy being married for a while before having to move (he is getting out of the navy and we are moving out of state the same month as the wedding... stressful and not my dream timeline but the circumstances can't be changed). So it's not that I am going back and forth on "if" we should get married now, it is more just a "how." Either just the paperwork or also include a small ceremony. <strong>Your posts have been a great help though and I think we may as well have a little ceremony just us and parents and my best friend since childhood because I'm seeing that this day will mean more to me than the PPD and that makes sense. I don't want to downplay the fact I'm getting married and I'm too excited to keep it a secret. I don't think anyone even semi happy about their marriage could really keep from talking about it but that's just my opinion.</strong>
Posted by Vergeer2012[/QUOTE]
<div>I must be going crazy, because I think someone just basically thanked us and didn't call us mean and tell us we didn't understand her super unique situation!!</div><div>
</div><div>Just kidding, but glad you took the advice well. You are completely right by not downpaying the JOP, since that is the day you actually become husband and wife. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Courthouse wedding before the big celebration? : I must be going crazy, because I think someone just basically thanked us and didn't call us mean and tell us we didn't understand her super unique situation!! Just kidding, but glad you took the advice well. You are completely right by not downpaying the JOP, since that is the day you actually become husband and wife.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
haha I was thinking the same thing.
If you want to be husband and wife go for it. I know a couple people that did a JOP with just their family, had a nice dinner in a private room at a restaurant that allowed them to decorate, then did a big cook out later with friends/family as a celebration. I think that's a pretty cool route to go. Like Sammy said, she wanted a little JOP. I'm a little more reserved in that sense so I definitely understand why people would want the actual marriage to be personal and intimate with only a few loved ones near. As long as it's what you and your FI both want and will make you BOTH happy. :]
Hope everything goes smoothly, and let us know how all the planning goes/what you decide!
Edit: We were married in my mom's living room after planning for two weeks. We wanted to have a bigger wedding with all of our friends and family. When we started looking at his training schedule and the weekends when my kids would be with us, we were very limited. We chose the weekend that worked out better for everyone and that was two weeks away. I don't really recomend trying to plan a wedding in two weeks, but you don't have to have 6 months to a year to plan something.
well if he gets out those benifits will no longer aplly to you. he wont have them either cause he must be in for a certain amount of time and depending on his rank. it might not be worth it like the other girl said. i say he needs to stay in so you have some income. but congrats and hope it works out for you.
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are planning to do this as well. He will be returning from deployment in December or January and we will have a courthouse ceremony as soon as we can. Because we live so far from our families, no one will be able to attend, so we are planning an a vow exchange in June for all our family and friends. My biggest question is how to address the invites for the family event. I'm thinking of using our new married name, listing our parents and telling the guests it will be a vow exchange and reception.
Posted by elizabethmkaul[/QUOTE]
Yes, I think the way you are going to word your invites sounds PERFECT! Thats a great idea, I suggested something similiar to my fiance, we'll see what happens...
We are planning a big wedding now with all of our friends and family on our 1 year anniversary. It is hard to plan a wedding that is hours away from both of our families. Especially not knowing if he will get his transfer home or end up being deployed before our set date.
And to make a point, our good friends actually got married on the phone. He was deployed and she went to the courthouse with his father to stand in for him. The judge married them over the phone. They just had their ceremony and it was gorgeous. If you know what you want,don't hesitate!
[QUOTE]I have to say I don't agree with what these people say, you have to do whatever you think is best for your situation. My husband and I went to the courthouse with just a few of our friends and didn't tell anybody before doing it. It was a very special day for us and it is like our little secret. We didn't get dressed up, we called our friends an hour before we went to meet us. We had lunch with everybody and went to a movie. For us it was a really special day. I have never been more happy in my life and I don't regret my decision in the slightest. We don't hide the fact that we are married, it just isn't widely known. Becuase he is in a rapid deployment unit, he could be sent tomorrow if they needed. We wanted to be sure that if anything happened, we wouldn't have worries. We are planning a big wedding now with all of our friends and family on our 1 year anniversary. It is hard to plan a wedding that is hours away from both of our families. Especially not knowing if he will get his transfer home or end up being deployed before our set date. And to make a point, our good friends actually got married on the phone. He was deployed and she went to the courthouse with his father to stand in for him. The judge married them over the phone. They just had their ceremony and it was gorgeous. If you know what you want,don't hesitate!
Posted by tylerandjenia[/QUOTE]
If any of your guests think you are actually getting married at your "wedding", you are lying by omission. In the eyes of the military, that is fruad. It is punishable by court marshal. The least that can happen to your husband is an Article 15. That could result in loss of up to 30 days pay, loss of rank and extra duty. That is the minimum. He could face jail time and separation from the military.
Out of the 200+ wives that I know in my H's "rapid deploy" unit, 3 of them had a JOP followed by a PPD. Two of them were able to keep it a secret before the big day. The one who couldn't slipped and called him her husband in front of her dad. She tried to play it off but he demanded the truth and then refused to continue to pay for their lie. Her grandma refused to go to the PPD because she said, "What's the point? They're already married."
One girl was busted when her mom wanted pics of them signing the marriage certificate. She was pissed and left the event all together because her daughter had lied to her. The mother of the "groom" had some choice words. They tried to go on with the party but the majority of the guests had heard about what happend and left. The rest of the party was completely uncomfortable.
The other couple made it to their 1at anniversary before anyone found out. Then she posted something about the wonderful flowers. He posted under it about their anniversary. Mom posted confused and then figured it out. It was awkward to watch what followed.
Don't forget, as soldiers we vow to live by the Army Values: Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, Personal Courage. Being dishonest about your wedding violates all of those.
One of the girls who made it
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are planning to do this as well. He will be returning from deployment in December or January and we will have a courthouse ceremony as soon as we can. Because we live so far from our families, no one will be able to attend, so we are planning an a vow exchange in June for all our family and friends. My biggest question is how to address the invites for the family event. I'm thinking of using our new married name, listing our parents and telling the guests it will be a vow exchange and reception.
Posted by elizabethmkaul[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding. Please, please do not get married as soon as you can however. Give him a few months to readjust. Genuinely, the readjustment phase from a combat deployment is THE hardest and strangest part of the whole thing.
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Courthouse wedding before the big celebration? : If any of your guests think you are actually getting married at your "wedding", you are lying by omission. In the eyes of the military, that is fruad. It is punishable by court marshal. The least that can happen to your husband is an Article 15. That could result in loss of up to 30 days pay, loss of rank and extra duty. That is the minimum. He could face jail time and separation from the military. Out of the 200+ wives that I know in my H's "rapid deploy" unit, 3 of them had a JOP followed by a PPD. Two of them were able to keep it a secret before the big day. The one who couldn't slipped and called him her husband in front of her dad. She tried to play it off but he demanded the truth and then refused to continue to pay for their lie. Her grandma refused to go to the PPD because she said, "What's the point? They're already married." One girl was busted when her mom wanted pics of them signing the marriage certificate. She was pissed and left the event all together because her daughter had lied to her. The mother of the "groom" had some choice words. They tried to go on with the party but the majority of the guests had heard about what happend and left. The rest of the party was completely uncomfortable. The other couple made it to their 1at anniversary before anyone found out. Then she posted something about the wonderful flowers. He posted under it about their anniversary. Mom posted confused and then figured it out. It was awkward to watch what followed. Don't forget, as soldiers we vow to live by the Army Values: Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, Personal Courage. Being dishonest about your wedding violates all of those. One of the girls who made it
Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]
Great advice and thank you for posting stories gone wrong. I think, sometimes, people think it will be easy to hide it from their families.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Courthouse wedding before the big celebration? : Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding. Please, please do not get married as soon as you can however. Give him a few months to readjust. Genuinely, the readjustment phase from a combat deployment is THE hardest and strangest part of the whole thing.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]
Ditto
omg I think the readjustment can be tougher than deployment at times! -_- haha!