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AE: I want to call off my wedding

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Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding

  • no amount of money that you may lose will ever equal what you'll spend on divorce lawyers later.  folks wont be upset if you cancel.  and if they are, too bad.  this is your life, not theirs.  they arent the ones who will have to spend forever with the wrong person.

    good luck.  it will be hard and scary, but you must move out and move on.
  • FI's cousin just divorced last year after only being married a year. Looking back they probably should have never gotten married, but they'd been together so long I don't know if they knew how to get off the train.

    And I had a lot of fun with my ex-boyfriends, but they weren't the 100% package for me and it doesn't sound like your fiance is to you. I know it seems impossible to walk away right now, but you WILL get through it. There are many girls on this board that have made the decision to cancel their engagement and are now engaged or married to their true partner. Please don't go through with the wedding just because you feel like you have to.
  • Get out of this relationship.  Your FI is abusive.  Calling you names is never acceptable, especially when it's over a household chore.  Sounds to me like he has anger issues.  He's also ruining your self esteem with comments like "you're going to fail school" and "you're going to bankrupt us."  Seriously, that is not productive or supportive.  The only logical reason to say something like that is to cut you down.  It's abuse.

    And you deserve better than to be abused.

    Yeah, it sucks to inconvenience people who already bought tickets.  But I'm sure ALL of them would agree that them being out a few hundred bucks is more than you're being miserable for the rest of your life.
  • Based on what you wrote, I do think you should end the relationship. And that sucks. No matter what you do, or which one of you finally calls it off, it will suck. It would suck even more if you wait until after you're married and legally tied together and have to pay for the divorce on top of dividing assets. So might as well do it now and get on with the rest of your life ASAP.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. : (
  • Being with someone who treats you like either you don't exist or aren't important, or even worse, will eventually make you lose sight of who YOU are. That is what you need to remember.

    You need to be with someone who honors and complements (not as in praises) who you are, not someone who will tear you down and make you feel like an ass.
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  • jrkjpfjrkjpf member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I'm so sorry to what you are going through.
    My best went through this a few months ago, her and her FI (which is also my ex bf) were to marry about 2 weeks ago. He was mean, judgmental, called her names, disrespected HER child which he taught to call him daddy. She was miserable everyday for 2 years, being the friend I am, i gave her the advice I could, and kept bringing to her attention on how his actions will never change, but only SHE could make the choice. The night WE...as in me, my best, her other BM, mom and FMIL met for a tasting with the caterer, he just up and decided being married wasn't for him.
    She went off the hook and ended it all, no relationship, nothing. She has since found a wonderful man that treats her the way she should.

    The moral of this story? No matter how long you have been with someone, or how much you think you deserve this...you can ALWAYS do better. Now i don't mean that in a big headed way, but in cases like this, you can do better.

    Don't go through with the wedding, as I have another friend that was married in Sept of 2009, and is now in the process of a D. We all warned him not to do it, she was evil, controlling, hated ANY female in his path...hell this list could go on. But again, it was his choice even though we did what we could respectfully to prevent it.

    "when you have a good thing-appreciate it; tell her She's beautiful when she just wakes up; tell her you love her for no reason at all; make her feel like she's the only person you see in a crowd of 100 others; remember it's the little things that matter the most & love her unconditionally ...if you don't-somebody else will"

    Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. -Bob Marley

  • Get out. Now. There's nothing left to save here.

    Yeah, it will be a hassle to divide the house and bills and anything else, but it will only be more of a hassle later on. And your friends and family really will understand you calling it off -- no one wants to see someone go through with a marriage that they don't want.
  • MRadsMRads member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    Ditto PP.  FI was engaged once before.  He didnt call off the wedding, but fortunately for him, his xfi called off the engagement three weeks before the wedding.  He literally is so thankful every day.  It was a hard process to get through and he really relied on friends, family and even professionals, and he tells me every day how he is so glad he didn't get married and how he has never loved anybody more than me.

    You deserve better in your life.  Nobody will care about the plane ticket that they bought and if they do, they can go f themselves.  Good luck and take time for yourself.

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  • You definitely need to call off this wedding. It doesn't matter how much "fun" you have together. Marriage is about real life and supporting each other through the crappy stuff and celebrating the great stuff. Marriage doesn't fix the problems you have while you were dating.

    When I moved in with FI, it was really hard. We both struggled with certain things, but we worked through it - together - and compromised where we needed to. Never, even through the worst times, have I felt that I didn't want to marry him. If you're feeling sick about this, you are not happy as you say. He clearly isn't ready to grow up and you deserve better.

    <Hugs>
  • Don't settle just because you have been together for a long time and live together. It's better than getting married and then immediately divorced. It really sounds like you don't love him anymore, and once that happens there is no reason to be together anymore, especially since it sounds like there aren't any kids so there's no need for a messy custody battle. Cut your losses and leave. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this "/
  • I was in an almost identical situation.  I was with a guy for six years before I eventually ended the relationship.  While we were together he was emotionally abusive and distant.  He constantly played video games and did nothing else in his free time.  Yet, he would make me feel terrible for not doing enough around the house and being so messy...even though I did all of the shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.  He called me a biitch once and told me to shut the f*** up another time.  He would tell me that he hated overweight women and would leave me if I ever got too big because he had standards.  I stayed so long because we lived together, had a joint savings account, and I had just put so much time in to it.  Also, I didn't think that anyone would ever love me because he told me as much. 

    We tried counseling, but it was too far gone by that point.  Eventually, my mother had a health problem and I wanted to be around the house to help her out.  I took that as an opportunity for us to be separated for a week so I could think things through.  Despite the circumstances, I had never felt better than being away for that one week.  I broke things off right away.  He tried to propose, but the thought of marrying him always made me feel sick too.

    It was very tough right afterwards.  Separating the finances and moving and just the fear of never meeting anyone.  But my friends and family were incredibly supportive.  I am now getting married to a wonderful man who believes that we are equals and never puts me down.  The thought of marrying him makes me so excited.  I know it's scary, but you owe yourself so much more than an abusive relationship.
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  • jrkjpfjrkjpf member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Another note:
    It is very hard to adjust to moving in with someone. I lived alone for years, and once FI started staying at my house on the nights he didnt have his daughter (every other night and every other weekend), i started to freak. Things were no longer run the  way i was used to, we were both having to adjust to our living styles together, splitting chores, etc. "Old school" parents (not all, some, mine in this case) feel you should wait for marriage before making the move, but in your case in IMO, i feel all engaged couples should live together for a few months before marriage. There are things you would have not seen before, new obstacles and battles, as well as it CAN make things easier after the big day.

    I am not looking for a rational reason for you, but were things like this before the move, or entirely after? If entirely after, it may have something to do with the drastic lifestyle change. If no, i still to my original word, call everything off and have some YOU time. No one else can find you, but you. And if YOU don't like yourself, no one else will.

    Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. -Bob Marley

  • True Meaning of Marriage"

    The true meaning of marriage is love. By love, I mean not just what we feel but what we do. Love just as a feeling is very flimsy, an up and down roller coaster. Love is an action! In order for it to become the ultimate force and for us to rediscover the true meaning of marriage, love has to be unconditional. You are not looking for acceptance or validation. You are giving of yourself to another not because of them, but because of your values. A death to ones self so that another may live and benefit from your sacrifice.

    This is not an easy road to walk. But it is the most rewarding road however. An old Buddhist saying goes like this, 'I want peace.' If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left. The true meaning of marriage is expressing love unconditionally to another. It is an unstoppable force that can endure anything. How do you find it? Within yourself. You have to draw strength from you. Neither seeking validation nor acceptance, just seeking the opportunity to show love.


    I have been married for almost 10 years. I love my husband more each passing day. I hate to do laundry so he does it. He hates doing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms so I do them. He works in the heat all day every day so I do all the yard work. I dont like buffets but I go because I know he does. He doest like to shop but will go with me so we can spend time together. This is the true meaning of love.
    Life is to short to be unhappy when happiness is out there waiting for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:7b1bed64-4691-440e-a284-df4d18c43f85">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Give him back his ring.  Call your family and tell them that the wedding will not take place.  Move out ASAP <strong>and take the dog</strong>.  It will be bad times for a while, but in a few years, you will be so glad you did this.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    Thank you for mentioning this (bolded). Only you and the dog suffer at this point - your FI seems to not give a damn either way.
  • Please Please Please leave now.  If you think it will be hard now, wait 10 years when you have kids and are wondering how you can split up the family, what will it do to the kids, etc.  It gets a lot messier and a lot more expensive the longer you wait. 

    I was married to a man extremely similar to yours, name calling, no support, only thought of himself, twisted things to make it all my fault...including his cheating, refused to change unless I did, and then it was only an "if".  Very emotionally and mentally abusive.  It got to the point I would have rather died than stay and live in pain with him.   But he was such an "amazing guy most of the time"  At least that is what he tried, and did for many years, to convince me of.  He was a great manipulator that I didn't see how bad it was until we had our first child.  Then I felt stuck and couldn't break up a family.  It took me 18 years to finally have the courage to get out.  You may have invested 6 years, but it's only been 6.  Don't add in an extra 12, free yourself now.
  • I have to agree with what all of the pp who said get out now.  I wish I had gotten out of my first marriage before the wedding.  I think I knew the night of the wedding that I had made a mistake.  He had been a great Fi but I had a feeling I couldn't shake. 

    He did a complete 180 after the wedding, he "couldn't" find a job, but he really refused to go out and look for one.  He sat at home all day while I worked and later went to school, playing vidoe games.  I would come home from work and have to clean, cook, etc.  He wouldn't lift a finger unless I nagged him to the point of screaming at him, then made me feel guilty for loosing it.  He stole from me and lied constantly. 

    It's been 3 years this week that I kicked him out, and it has been wonderful.  He too turned kind of nuts, but things are civil now.  I KNEW I deserved better and could find better.  FI treats me like gold and we are equal partners in everything from money to housework. 

    Save yourself from more grief later on and get out and on with your life.  I hope you find all the happiness you deserve. 

    Please 
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  • I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need to call off the wedding, take the dog, take your stuff and move out. Get your family or friends to help you move out and I'd have someone there when you break up with him. This relationship is not salvageable. You need someone who respects and treats you well, not someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you.

    If you get married, things aren't going to be better. It might hurt now to break it all off, but it's going to hurt worse if you get married and be more expensive. People may have already bought tickets, but they want the best for both of you and will understand. You deserve to be happy.
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  • You mention in your post about what to do about your joint bills and house (which you bought together) and who gets what. 

    You need to leave this man.  Not postpone the wedding, cancel it and start over.  I think you are still with him and thinking of how to make it work because of the stuff you have purchased together and owe on together.  Been there, done that.  I would call the lender for your home loan and see what options you have since you're not married.  Household bills, that's pretty easy, whoever lives in the house keeps the bills in their name. 

    If there are credit cards and other such things, I would go to your bank and meet with a financial counselor to see what options you have. 

    Just remember that everything can and will work out and no bill or mortage payment is worth being miserable with someone who makes you feel like s**t and want to puke.
  • So sorry you are going through this.  My sister recently got divorced from someone pretty close to who you are describing.  It is not a healthy situation and it will be the best thing you ever do to get out while you still can.
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  • you need couple counseling. Obviously you love him or you wouldn't have gotten to this point. It could be how much he hates his job, or how stressed you are over the wedding, or who knows, that is causing this.. but you need to go to a counselor together because you throw it all away.

  • Secretgurl9Secretgurl9 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited May 2011
    I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

    I have a friend going through a similar situation, though not engaged. I agree with PP. Please don't marry him. I know it must hurt to think of all that you've put into it and being so close to your wedding and feel like you're flushing it down the toilet but it will be better in the long run. This is emotional abuse, plain and simple. He might be depressed etc, but it doesn't warrant the way he's treating you.

    The last straw for me on this, other than you saying you feel nauseous thinking about your future, is the part where he doesn't seem to care if you're unhappy. If he loves you and really wants to be with you, that should be a glowing bright red beacon for him to have a talk with you and try to fix it. He says if you're unhappy to call it off. I think he's calling your "bluff". He doesn't think you'll actually leave him. Prove him wrong. 

    Call it off completely. Tell him that if he does want this, he needs to go to some couseling individually and with you and shape up. If he's not interested in that, then stick to your guns and leave. Get a lawyer to help get your investment back if need be and take what's yours and the dog and GTFO. It's for the best.

    Remember, with every ending comes a new beginning.

    Good luck and best wishes. I know that you will find somebody that will treat you way better than this ***.
  • edited May 2011
    Thank you everyone.  

    It is over.

    We talked for about 4 hours tonight, and it's done. It made it hard because he was so nice to me during our talk, but we both agreed it's for the best. I hope one day we'll be like Jerry and Elaine, because at his core, he is a wonderful person - just not when he's with me.

    I went to my parent's house today with the bomb and dropped it on them. I am not an emotional person by any means but I just broke into tears for about an hour. Not so much because it was over, but at the overwhelming kindness of my sisters, brother, parents and bridesmaids. One bridesmaid lives 3 hours away, and when I called her in tears to tell her, she said: "I'm packing my shiit, and coming there. Be there in 3 hours." 

    They have agreed to take care of everything for me in terms of cancelling, and my dad must have repeated 10 times, "who cares about the money...stop thinking about the money... I don't care at all." My dad is going to reimburse flights for any family and friends that choose not to come in July. Obviously, we're still going to host them for a party / dinner if they decide to make a vacation out of it. We're going to make the weekend themes about love, friendship and family.

    I'm going to move back in with my family, and he will stay at the house. 

    I can't believe this is actually all happening. I told my mom that I have no idea how I'm going to face everyone tomorrow, or handle this, but this has made me further realize that I truly have the best parents, friends, family and support system in the world.

    I love you ladies. Thank you all for your support.

  • Please get out now (and take the dog with you). There is nothing worth saving. He has openly said that he doesn't want to marry you. There is nothing that makes this man marriage-worthy, and DEFINITELY nothing that makes him worthy of marrying you. You need to take control now and get out. You will be so much happier without him that you will find someone who will be a loving partner who deserves to marry you.
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  • I am awfully weepy this morning but your update made me cry. I am so glad you have such a wonderful support group. You are a strong person and I admire you for making the right choice :) 
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  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    First Comment
    Congratulations. I know it was a tough decision, but I think it was the right one.

    I also got teary with your update...take care of yourself.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    I'm so glad you ended things. Your friends and family love you and are obviously willing to support and help you get through this tough time. We're here for you too if you ever need to vent. PM me anytime. Think of us as your extended, faceless, family. (That didn't sound creepy did it?) :-)
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  • Just want to say that I'm so relieved for you.  You absolutely made the right choice!  I wish you all the best.
  • I'm really happy you made this decision.  I'm sorry for the pain you're going through, but really, this was the right choice.  And your family and friends sound wonderful.  Take care of yourself.  *HUGS*
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  • Aw, sweetie!  More ::hugs::

    You have a wonderful, supportive family and friends.  Always always remember that.  They all just want you happy.  I think everyone around here also wants you happy.

    Take care! 
  • I didn't get a chance to respond yesterday, but I read your whole story and I just want to say how proud I am of you. It takes so much courage and self-respect to do what you did last night. It sounds like you have great support around you (I love your Dad, BTW, he sounds like he really just want the best for his daughter) and you will get through this. (((HUGS)))
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