I can't imagine how hard this has been for you and hugs to you on this one. REading this made me teary, because you are such a strong person and have an amazing group of friends and family. You will great through this and you will be happy in the long run.
Good for you for making that most difficult decision. You've taken the hardest step. I'm also very glad that you have the love and support of your family and friends right now, as you will need this in the coming weeks.
Also, I don't know if you post around here a lot.. but I am sure NO ONE would mind you posting under your normal name now. (not that they would have minded before, but yeah)
Things will be tough for awhile, and it may seem as if you made the wrong choice. But in the long run, its the best for you and one day you will see how happy you are about the decision you made. Keep your head up high and remember your friends and family are behind you 100%
Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. -Bob Marley
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:349c8391-08e7-4e84-8e7d-a8fc6d081fd5">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>: [QUOTE]Also, I don't know if you post around here a lot.. but I am sure NO ONE would mind you posting under your normal name now. :) (not that they would have minded before, but yeah) Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>This. You can come out of hiding and stick around.
I just cried too. =O( Happy you made the right decision for you - and everything will work out. You are lucky to have such loving and supportive family and friends.
By the way, your family being that supportive and open to this cancellation and what you were feeling ought to reinforce you made the right decision. Good job.
Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:0b415a22-a2d2-4b82-9efe-68406a533704">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>: [QUOTE]I wish I'd had these feelings before my first wedding. I had them 6 months in. I did nothing. Four years later, after I had been turned into a shell of what I had been and emotionally abused, I left him (and the day I turned him, I left the house for a couple of hours - he found that I'd run a credit report on myself and figured I was looking for an apartment). While I was out, he turned off my cell phone; I had to use a display phone at Circuit City to call my parents and buy a new phone. I got home, he'd hidden the computer cables and changed the passwords. He'd lost control and couldn't take it. Don't let it get to that point. I should have known before; I was too excited about getting married. I should have left 6 months in, but I didn't want to give up. Don't be that person. The repair work on yourself is much, much harder. Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]
<div> </div><div>Missy were we married to the same guy? </div><div> </div><div>OP I strongly urge you to cancel the wedding and move out now. Is there someone you can stay with for a while like your parents or friends? When I moved out I couch-surfed for a couple weeks until I found my own place. I really wish I had figured out that I was not happy and our relationship was not ok BEFORE I had married him. It would have saved me a lot of time, trouble, heartbreak and abuse. </div><div> </div><div>You can do this. You can make it through to the other side. Will it be easy? No. But with the support of family and friends you will be in a better place in your life. In my life, I went from being in your position to, almost a decade later, being married to the most wonderful man in the world and we have been together for 9 years now. I know it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you are smack dab in the middle of the drama and heartbreak, but once you get through it you will look back and be able to see so much clearer what a bad position you are in now. And that will allow you to look forward to all that the world has to offer you in the future.</div><div> </div><div>PM me if you want to talk.</div><div> </div>
And this is why I need to not be a hypocrite and actually read the ENTIRE thread before responding.
GOOD FOR YOU! It sounds like you have an amazing support system and while it may feel like it's going to be so hard to get through each day just take them one day at a time. You can do this. I'm very proud of you. {{HUGS}}
I wanna know who you are OP! I thought i had a clue, but I did some math and found out I'm wrong. I hope you know we'll support you - and probably love you even more. ::hugs:: I'm sorry you're going through this.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:40880ec0-d800-4dcb-9167-1c47dc0b18ba">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>: [QUOTE]I wanna know who you are OP! I thought i had a clue, but I did some math and found out I'm wrong. I hope you know we'll support you - and probably love you even more. ::hugs:: I'm sorry you're going through this. <3 Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]
Ditto. It sounds like you made the best decision possible for everyone involved, and regardless of if I "know" you or not, you have all the support in the world here!
Good for you!! I know that wasn't easy, but the response from your family and friends tells you everything you need to know - you made the right choice and you have a ton of support to help you get through this.
I was in a similar type of relationship and knew it wasn't right. When I finally got to the last straw and just ended it, it was a huge weight lifted from me that I didn't know I had been carrying around. It also helped me to make other good changes in my life. Now, 2 years later, I have started my own company and am engaged to a man who makes me happier than I knew possible. I hope that you have an equally wonderful "happily ever after"!
It sounds like you still only want the best for your ex, and that says so much about you too. I hope that both of you are able to move on to much happier situations for you both.
Good for you OP! You are truly blessed to have such supportive family and friends, a great support system really does make the difficult things so much easier to conquer. I wish you the best of luck in your 'new' life. Please feel free to come back and chat, update us, etc whenever you like. We are all here for you!
Also - this is the type of thread that makes me glad I'm a knottie because I know that if I ever need any real advice, that you guys will step up to the plate. Makes me want to link this anytime some newb comes here complaining about how we are all 'so mean' and 'you should be suppording other brides', etc. When you have a real problem...you get real support.
OP, I'm sending you an e-hug. Your decision wasn't easy, but it's better to call off the wedding before the fact than to go through with it just for show then deal with a divorce afterwards. You deserve to be honest with yourself and move on with your life. I'm glad that your family and friends have been supportive.
Also, OP, I think it's wonderful that your family is so supportive. I have a very good friend from elementary school who was engaged. Both she and her FI wanted to call off the wedding on several occasions during their engagement. However, their families said "there's so much time and money invested, yadda, yadda" and convinced them to get married anyway. So they had to go through with an emotionally draining farce of a wedding and then immediately started the divorce paperwork as soon as the marriage was recorded. It was an awful situation.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:b89df21e-b19f-4c0d-902a-0c1097a6c8c0">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : All.of.the.time. To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears.<strong> I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then." </strong> How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet? I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.? Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]
This indifference tells you all you need to know. IMHO, you need to call it off now, while you still have the chance.
You said in your OP, that is "isn't ALL bad", yet 3/4 of your post was negative. You are deceiving yourself if you think he will change for the better. He will only change IF HE WANTS TO.
I thought the same about my ex. We had been together 9 years, had one child, bought a house, but it was not a good situation. I said I wanted to leave, and he begged me to stay, convinced me it would get better, so I gave in and married him. It got worse, we had another child, and within 4 years we were in the process of an ugly divorce, with two innocent children in the middle.
Do not worry about what anyone thinks - this is your life, your future, your happiness. As PPs said, if the thought of being married to this man makes you nauseous, you should not do it.
I posted my first comment without seeing your new one that you ended it. Darn posts are all mixed up in here.
HUGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS! You made the right decision. Take each day as it comes, and it will get better. Take care of you first. I am glad to read you have such a supportive family and friends.
You really did make the right decision and I'm glad you have the support you need. Your dad is right is tell you not to worry about the money. Things will get better and you'll find someone wonderful who does deserve you. ((((OP))))
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think by posting on here, you already knew what you have to do before you got anyone elses opinion. If you are this unhappy now, you shouldn't just have the wedding as planned to see if it will fix things because I don't think anything will get better after.
If you call it off (I think you should), your friends and family do not necessarily need all the details of why. That is your business and no one elses. Your friends and family should also be supportive of your decision and if they aren't, they obviously weren't your friends to begin with.
You deserve to be happy and worrying you won't find someone is not a reason to stay with this guy. If my FI treated me like that, I definitely wouldn't want to be with him. You will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, but it might take time which is okay.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Edit: I didn't see the multiple pages! Sorry!
I'm very proud that you made the best decision for you. I'm so happy you have a supportive family and friends that will make sure you get through this. I also really love the idea that you are still hosting a party with the theme you have!
Good for you OP. I know I'm late to the party but I read through the thread... if i didn't know his current GF i woudl've thought that you were engaged to my ex. i broke off my engagement iwth him for a lot of the same reasons that you've described. we ended up getting back together for a little bit, after that, but it just ended up really driving home to me that he really wasn't going to change, and that even though i liked him in a lot of ways, he's not the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. and i had to move past the idea that the time i'd put into our relationship was 'wasted.'
i learned a lot of valuable lessons from it, and now 'm getting married to a guy that makes me happy ALL the time and is a real partner in life, those hard things that you have to deal with when you get home, as well as being a ton of fun when we're out and about. I know you'll find the same, and i'm glad that you have such great friends and family in your life to support you through this, because you deserve better than what you had with him (and it sounds like they think so too).
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ae-want-call-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:88746fc6-f8b8-44a3-9c55-05951d5b9430Post:b89df21e-b19f-4c0d-902a-0c1097a6c8c0">Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : All.of.the.time. To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears. I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then." How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet? I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.? Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]
I think you have your answer when he said "call it off then". He said it loud and clear and you did too. Guys can be so passive aggressive and just stick around in a relationship because they're "comfortable". You don't need to tell people why you're postponing. You can come up with something vague. Just be prepared for prying questions and think ahead of some answers you might give.
Please oh Please do not marry this man right now if you feel the way you do. My cousin married her HS sweetheart and before the wedding she felt just like you. They ended up getting a divorce before they even opened all their gifts...
I dated someone once who I felt like this about- the thought of marrying him literally made my stomach drop a little. He wasn't even a bad guy, but he definitely wasn't the guy for me. It sounds like you might be having some of these same feelings- and if I was in your shoes I would at the very least postpone sooner than later. Give yourself some time away from him and see how you feel about the situation. It's much easier to get a clear perspective on these things once you take a step back.
I am so happy you've made this decision. Things are going to be tough, but it is worth it.
You deserve to be happy. You will find a man who treats you right, who is a partner to you in ALL aspects of your life (not just the fun ones!), and who loves you. No man who calls you names and tells you that you're going to fail is worth your time.
I am so happy you've made this decision. Things are going to be tough, but it is worth it.
You deserve to be happy. You will find a man who treats you right, who is a partner to you in ALL aspects of your life (not just the fun ones!), and who loves you. No man who calls you names and tells you that you're going to fail is worth your time.
Bubba, we may very well have. He has been married and divorced since our divorce, before John and I had our 6 month anniversary. And in NC, you have to have a 1 year + 1 day separation before a divorce.
How many jobs did yours quit in 4 years?
Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding
Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. -Bob Marley
[QUOTE]Also, I don't know if you post around here a lot.. but I am sure NO ONE would mind you posting under your normal name now. :) (not that they would have minded before, but yeah)
Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. You can come out of hiding and stick around.
</div>
Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
glad to hear it went ok and that you have the tremendous love and support of family and friends.
Married Bio * BFP Chart
[QUOTE]I wish I'd had these feelings before my first wedding. I had them 6 months in. I did nothing. Four years later, after I had been turned into a shell of what I had been and emotionally abused, I left him (and the day I turned him, I left the house for a couple of hours - he found that I'd run a credit report on myself and figured I was looking for an apartment). While I was out, he turned off my cell phone; I had to use a display phone at Circuit City to call my parents and buy a new phone. I got home, he'd hidden the computer cables and changed the passwords. He'd lost control and couldn't take it. Don't let it get to that point. I should have known before; I was too excited about getting married. I should have left 6 months in, but I didn't want to give up. Don't be that person. The repair work on yourself is much, much harder.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Missy were we married to the same guy? </div><div>
</div><div>OP I strongly urge you to cancel the wedding and move out now. Is there someone you can stay with for a while like your parents or friends? When I moved out I couch-surfed for a couple weeks until I found my own place. I really wish I had figured out that I was not happy and our relationship was not ok BEFORE I had married him. It would have saved me a lot of time, trouble, heartbreak and abuse. </div><div>
</div><div>You can do this. You can make it through to the other side. Will it be easy? No. But with the support of family and friends you will be in a better place in your life. In my life, I went from being in your position to, almost a decade later, being married to the most wonderful man in the world and we have been together for 9 years now. I know it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you are smack dab in the middle of the drama and heartbreak, but once you get through it you will look back and be able to see so much clearer what a bad position you are in now. And that will allow you to look forward to all that the world has to offer you in the future.</div><div>
</div><div>PM me if you want to talk.</div><div>
</div>
well, it was still good advice for anyone lurking on this post who might be in a similar situation.
PS have to add - what about the dog? <--- the animal lover in me needs to know.
I'm doing Team in Training for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!
[QUOTE]I wanna know who you are OP! I thought i had a clue, but I did some math and found out I'm wrong. I hope you know we'll support you - and probably love you even more. ::hugs:: I'm sorry you're going through this. <3
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]
Ditto. It sounds like you made the best decision possible for everyone involved, and regardless of if I "know" you or not, you have all the support in the world here!
Waiting to meet the baby broccoli on 5/5/2013!
I was in a similar type of relationship and knew it wasn't right. When I finally got to the last straw and just ended it, it was a huge weight lifted from me that I didn't know I had been carrying around. It also helped me to make other good changes in my life. Now, 2 years later, I have started my own company and am engaged to a man who makes me happier than I knew possible. I hope that you have an equally wonderful "happily ever after"!
It sounds like you still only want the best for your ex, and that says so much about you too. I hope that both of you are able to move on to much happier situations for you both.
And post a picture of that dog!! :-)
Also - this is the type of thread that makes me glad I'm a knottie because I know that if I ever need any real advice, that you guys will step up to the plate. Makes me want to link this anytime some newb comes here complaining about how we are all 'so mean' and 'you should be suppording other brides', etc. When you have a real problem...you get real support.
Waiting to meet the baby broccoli on 5/5/2013!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : All.of.the.time. To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears.<strong> I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then." </strong> How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet? I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.?
Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]
This indifference tells you all you need to know. IMHO, you need to call it off now, while you still have the chance.
You said in your OP, that is "isn't ALL bad", yet 3/4 of your post was negative. You are deceiving yourself if you think he will change for the better. He will only change IF HE WANTS TO.
I thought the same about my ex. We had been together 9 years, had one child, bought a house, but it was not a good situation. I said I wanted to leave, and he begged me to stay, convinced me it would get better, so I gave in and married him. It got worse, we had another child, and within 4 years we were in the process of an ugly divorce, with two innocent children in the middle.
Do not worry about what anyone thinks - this is your life, your future, your happiness. As PPs said, if the thought of being married to this man makes you nauseous, you should not do it.
HUGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS! You made the right decision. Take each day as it comes, and it will get better. Take care of you first. I am glad to read you have such a supportive family and friends.
i learned a lot of valuable lessons from it, and now 'm getting married to a guy that makes me happy ALL the time and is a real partner in life, those hard things that you have to deal with when you get home, as well as being a ton of fun when we're out and about. I know you'll find the same, and i'm glad that you have such great friends and family in your life to support you through this, because you deserve better than what you had with him (and it sounds like they think so too).
Married Bio
Day Zero / Blog
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: AE: I want to call off my wedding : All.of.the.time. To his defence, I probably talk about it so much that he's become so desensitized to it. It falls on deaf ears. I said about 10 minutes ago very calmly: "I am so unhappy here. I don't want to get married anymore." Without looking up from his video game he said, "Call it off then." How am I sure that I haven't put enough effort into this yet? I think I have to postpone. Do I have to tell people why? Or can I lie and say I have to focus on school etc.?
Posted by dontwannabeabride[/QUOTE]
I think you have your answer when he said "call it off then". He said it loud and clear and you did too. Guys can be so passive aggressive and just stick around in a relationship because they're "comfortable". You don't need to tell people why you're postponing. You can come up with something vague. Just be prepared for prying questions and think ahead of some answers you might give.
Please oh Please do not marry this man right now if you feel the way you do. My cousin married her HS sweetheart and before the wedding she felt just like you. They ended up getting a divorce before they even opened all their gifts...
I am so happy you've made this decision.
Things are going to be tough, but it is worth it.
You deserve to be happy.
You will find a man who treats you right, who is a partner to you in ALL aspects of your life (not just the fun ones!), and who loves you.
No man who calls you names and tells you that you're going to fail is worth your time.
I am so happy you've made this decision.
Things are going to be tough, but it is worth it.
You deserve to be happy.
You will find a man who treats you right, who is a partner to you in ALL aspects of your life (not just the fun ones!), and who loves you.
No man who calls you names and tells you that you're going to fail is worth your time.
How many jobs did yours quit in 4 years?
Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew