Sticky Family Situation
My Fiance and I just got engaged about three weeks ago, and we've already begun to run into problems.
Some background: I am a recent college grad (he proposed at graduation) and am not working yet, and my family was hard hit by the recession, so they are not able to help with the bigger (read:more expensive) aspects of the wedding. (ie- reception, dj, flowers ect). My fiance's family is well to do and had offered to pay for the bigger price tag items. About 6 months ago, my fiance's father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and with medical bills and whats looking to become an early retirement looming, they have become increasingly concerned with money. I completely understand their concerns, and offered to hold off on the wedding until my family and I could handle the expenses.
At this point, my fiance voiced his concerns about the uncertainty of his fathers condition, and how he was not comfortable putting the wedding off if it meant there was a possiblity his father would not be here to share with us. I told him that my family and I could not afford it at the time, and he said his parents were willing to pick up the cost if we took some money saving action.
At the time of this conversation, my fiance, his parents and I were in a catering hall, waiting to sign paperwork on the venue, having previously had it oked by his parents. To make concessions to a less expensive wedding, we moved our date from july to april and cut our guest list down from 200 to 160. I thought the price cutting was extensive (95 per plate down to 87 with 40 less guests). We signed the papers and were on our way.
Several days later, while shopping with my future SIL for Bridesmaid dresses, she recieved a call from her mother telling her to inform me that the wedding was now in august on a sunday. When I spoke to my fiance, he said that his parents were able to get a good deal on a dj (who I had never heard of) if they moved the date and had it on a sunday. I was fairly upset that my future in-laws would do that behind my back without discussion, when I had already made many concessions to a cheaper wedding.
We met for dinner the last night, and his parents sat down with a spreadsheet of the cost difference, informing us that if we chose to keep it on a saturday night that we would have to pay not only the 7 dollar per plate price difference, but the difference in the price of the vendors as well. They then informed us that we would need to cut our guest list down to 125 people, and invite more of their friends who would give us good gifts, rather than my fiancially struggling family members and our friends who are still in college. My immediate family totals 59 people, and his parents gave us a list 80 people long that were to be invited because they were paying for it. This means not only would I have to start pruning away close family, but we wouldnt even have room for our wedding party, much less our closest friends.
In addition to all of this news, they informed us that we would be paying them back for some of the wedding by giving them whatever monetary gifts we got at the wedding.
I hate all of the ideas they presented, especially the sunday afternoon wedding and the guest list cutting. Ive already purchased my dress with what little money my family could help with now, and it is completely inappropriate for an outdoor afternoon wedding.
While my fiance and I were in the other room discussing what they told us, I overheard his father saying that he couldnt believe I was being so obstinant as he was already $10,000 over budget. With the outline he had in place it was about 21,000. I don't know how to plan a wedding in Long Island within the confines of an 11,000 dollar budget, or how they would expect me to. I argued with my fiance to let us put the wedding off so it wouldnt be a financial burden on his parents. He took their side on many of the issues. Feeling numb and quiet selfish for wanting a wedding I'd envisioned since I was 3, I gave in to their demands.
Today, I am feeling very distraught over what happened last night, and I feel guilty. Even though his father is sick, does that mean that my fiance's and I have to give over our wedding his illness as well? Please help!!
Re: Sticky Family Situation
[QUOTE]My Fiance and I just got engaged about three weeks ago, and we've already begun to run into problems. Some background: I am a recent college grad (he proposed at graduation) and am not working yet, and my family was hard hit by the recession, so they are not able to help with the bigger (read:more expensive) aspects of the wedding. (ie- reception, dj, flowers ect). My fiance's family is well to do and had offered to pay for the bigger price tag items. About 6 months ago, my fiance's father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and with medical bills and whats looking to become an early retirement looming, they have become increasingly concerned with money. I completely understand their concerns, and offered to hold off on the wedding until my family and I could handle the expenses. At this point, my fiance voiced his concerns about the uncertainty of his fathers condition, and how he was not comfortable putting the wedding off if it meant there was a possiblity his father would not be here to share with us. I told him that my family and I could not afford it at the time, and he said his parents were willing to pick up the cost if we took some money saving action. At the time of this conversation, my fiance, his parents and I were in a catering hall, waiting to sign paperwork on the venue, having previously had it oked by his parents. To make concessions to a less expensive wedding, we moved our date from july to april and cut our guest list down from 200 to 160. I thought the price cutting was extensive (95 per plate down to 87 with 40 less guests). We signed the papers and were on our way. Several days later, while shopping with my future SIL for Bridesmaid dresses, she recieved a call from her mother telling her to inform me that the wedding was now in august on a sunday. When I spoke to my fiance, he said that his parents were able to get a good deal on a dj (who I had never heard of) if they moved the date and had it on a sunday. I was fairly upset that my future in-laws would do that behind my back without discussion, when I had already made many concessions to a cheaper wedding. We met for dinner the last night, and his parents sat down with a spreadsheet of the cost difference, informing us that if we chose to keep it on a saturday night that we would have to pay not only the 7 dollar per plate price difference, but the difference in the price of the vendors as well. They then informed us that we would need to cut our guest list down to 125 people, and invite more of their friends who would give us good gifts, rather than my fiancially struggling family members and our friends who are still in college. My immediate family totals 59 people, and his parents gave us a list 80 people long that were to be invited because they were paying for it. This means not only would I have to start pruning away close family, but we wouldnt even have room for our wedding party, much less our closest friends. In addition to all of this news, they informed us that we would be paying them back for some of the wedding by giving them whatever monetary gifts we got at the wedding. I hate all of the ideas they presented, especially the sunday afternoon wedding and the guest list cutting. Ive already purchased my dress with what little money my family could help with now, and it is completely inappropriate for an outdoor afternoon wedding. While my fiance and I were in the other room discussing what they told us, I overheard his father saying that he couldnt believe I was being so obstinant as he was already $10,000 over budget. With the outline he had in place it was about 21,000. I don't know how to plan a wedding in Long Island within the confines of an 11,000 dollar budget, or how they would expect me to. I argued with my fiance to let us put the wedding off so it wouldnt be a financial burden on his parents. He took their side on many of the issues. Feeling numb and quiet selfish for wanting a wedding I'd envisioned since I was 3, I gave in to their demands. Today, I am feeling very distraught over what happened last night, and I feel guilty. Even though his father is sick, does that mean that my fiance's and I have to give over our wedding his illness as well? Please help!!
Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
Wow. Your fil is dying, and you're whining about the wedding you've wanted since you were 3? Maybe you should have been saving for it since you were 3, then. If you can't afford your own wedding, then you are at the mercy of the people who are paying for it. While it seems your inlaws are being heavy-handed (i.e., telling you about decisions they've already made), the fact is that it is their party to host - they're shelling out the cash for it.
I find your lack of compassion and sense of general entitlement very hard to take this morning.
I'm still stuck on the fact that you even care what kind of wedding you have when your fiance's father is dying.
I honestly think if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't care about what kind of wedding you had as long as your parents were alive for it.
This post makes you seem a little more than selfish.
I understand what you've been envisioning since you were 3, but real life tends to get in the way of a little girl's dreams. Your FFIL is dying, he doesn't have a broken ankle, he has terminal brain cancer. Not only is he dying, but depending on how the cancer and his treatments affect him, his mind may not be all there (don't mean that in a mean way) very long.
Also, if you're really being a whiny baby about this while the FIL is dying, you suck.
And I agree with the others. This post did not paint you in a very good light.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]I can't believe either of you have the gaul to comment in the way you did, after seeing all the ways I tried to take the burden off of them. I OFFERED TO PAY FOR THE WEDDING, but my fiance doesnt want to wait until I can afford it. <strong>Also- how dare you make me feel like I don't care about his situation.</strong> I was the one who sat by myself near his hospital bed while his family was busy, even tho I was 5 hours away in college. Perhaps you should really think about what you are saying and how it may make a person who does care and is just trying to reach a common ground feel. His father may have limited time on this earth, but I am still only getting married once and I don't feel that I should be required to hand over my entire wedding planning to someone else. I might as well just have a surprise party. I'm willing to wait, but it seems I have to sacrifice this to a disease that has already robbed my family of so much already, and neither of you seem in a position to understand that.
Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
Only YOU can make yourself feel a certain way.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
I can see where your ideas are coming in, but he's been given 4 years, not 6 months. Perhaps that puts it in a different light for some of you.
It is terribly sad that this is true, but it's still true. You really should be able to set aside your girlhood dreams and face reality as a grown woman: pay for your own small, elegant wedding and marry the man you love with your immediate families (and there's no way your immediate family = 59 people) and closest friends. You could pull that together in a month or two.
Sorry, but life doesn't always work out the way you imagined it when you were 3. A lot of girls seem to have this idea they are absolutely entitled a big fancy wedding that costs $20,000+. Why? Where does this idea come from? Sometimes life deals cards that mean such a frivolous thing isn't possible. Nobody is says you can't get married, but it's time to let go of the fantasy wedding and reconsider what things in life are really important.
[QUOTE]I can see where your ideas are coming in, but he's been given 4 years, not 6 months. Perhaps that puts it in a different light for some of you.
Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
Well, that would have been helpful in the original post.
FWIW, my cousin's step-dad passed of brain cancer. He suffered with it just about 2 years between diagnosis and passing and he was not himself, by any means. Just because your FFIL has a 4 year diagnosis, you still probably need to do this sooner than later because brain cancer alters people's personalities and memories.
Quote has a really good suggestion of a simple ceremony and a BBQ reception.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
Planning * Married & House
My shiny new movie review blog!
[QUOTE]I come from a divorced family, and my father alone is one of 5 children, all of whom have families. It adds up pretty quickly.
Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
Aunts, uncles, and cousins aren't "immediate family." I am positive that, given your circumstances, your extended family would understand a small wedding.
Planning * Married & House
My shiny new movie review blog!
Your FI wants his father at the wedding, so skip the big party and have a smaller wedding. Close friends and family only. You can have a big party in a few years with a vow renewal. Sure, it's not what you wanted, but unfortunately, the money simply isn't there for your dream now.
planning
if you don't agree- then don't be a part of this thread. everyone feels differently about situations and it is unfair to impose your own morality onto someone else. you want to give impartial advice not saddled with insults- be my guest.
this process is stressful enough without the terrible give and take.
[QUOTE]I really can't believe how awful everyone is being. This is supposed to be a forum where people can go for support when facing tough situations. No wedding is planned with completely smooth sailing but telling someone they are selfish and berating them based off a few paragraphs,, is just ridiculous. if you don't agree- then don't be a part of this thread. everyone feels differently about situations and it is unfair to impose your own morality onto someone else. you want to give impartial advice not saddled with insults- be my guest. this process is stressful enough without the terrible give and take.
Posted by skatzew[/QUOTE]
And whene posters put it all out there on the internet, people can respond as they wish. There are posts like yours on a regular basis and they don't change how people share their opinions on situations.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]I really can't believe how awful everyone is being. This is supposed to be a forum where people can go for support when facing tough situations. No wedding is planned with completely smooth sailing but telling someone they are selfish and berating them based off a few paragraphs,, is just ridiculous. if you don't agree- then don't be a part of this thread. everyone feels differently about situations and it is unfair to impose your own morality onto someone else. you want to give impartial advice not saddled with insults- be my guest. this process is stressful enough without the terrible give and take.
Posted by skatzew[/QUOTE]
The whole "we're alllll briiiiides we should alll be niiiiiiiiiiiice to each other" shtick is really old. And frankly, that's not how we roll.
[QUOTE]I can't believe either of you have the gaul to comment in the way you did, after seeing all the ways I tried to take the burden off of them. I OFFERED TO PAY FOR THE WEDDING, but my fiance doesnt want to wait until I can afford it. Also- how dare you make me feel like I don't care about his situation. I was the one who sat by myself near his hospital bed while his family was busy, even tho I was 5 hours away in college. Perhaps you should really think about what you are saying and how it may make a person who does care and is just trying to reach a common ground feel. His father may have limited time on this earth, but I am still only getting married once and I don't feel that I should be required to hand over my entire wedding planning to someone else. I might as well just have a surprise party. I'm willing to wait, but it seems I have to sacrifice this to a disease that has already robbed my family of so much already, and neither of you seem in a position to understand that.
Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
Of course your fiance doesn't want to wait! His father is dying, and he'd like to have him at the wedding!<div>
</div><div>Pay for your own INEXPENSIVE wedding or take THEIR inexpensive wedding, get the delusions of grandeur out of your head, and roll with it. Sorry, life is going to throw wrenches at you. If you don't learn how to get through things now, you're doomed later.</div>
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
i'm not sure what advice to give here, other than your first priority should be to somehow get on the same page with your fi and go from there.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Family Situation : Of course your fiance doesn't want to wait! His father is dying, and he'd like to have him at the wedding! Pay for your own INEXPENSIVE wedding or take THEIR inexpensive wedding, get the delusions of grandeur out of your head, and roll with it. Sorry, life is going to throw wrenches at you. If you don't learn how to get through things now, you're doomed later.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
This! Seriously! Get over yourself, honey. Life is not a fairy tale.
OP, it seems like you and your FH need to reasseses what's going to happen and when, and who's going to pay for it. Because the reality is that no one has the money, not even his parents, to have this big wedding in the short term. If it's important to have the wedding quickly, then you and FH need to decide what's most important and go from there. But have this conversation with your FH WITHOUT his parents -- just the two of you. Figure out what the two of you want and then tell his parents (yes, you'll have the wedding they want; no you're opting for a much smaller wedding; or something in between).
His parents sound like they've acted like total asses, but I'm sure they're pretty shell-shocked right now too and hopefully that's where all that is coming from.
FWIW, I do get how you can be deeply concerned about FFIL and your FH...but still mourn the loss of your own wedding dream. The two aren't mutually exclusive. It will suck if you don't end up with the wedding you wanted, but you're probably not going to have a choice.
ETA: Or what Daff said; I just said the same thing in a lot more words.