Crazy FSIL!

hmc318 · July 2009

Okay so my FI's sister has really gone off the deep end.She apparently does cocaine and drinks herself to sleep every night. She calls everyone at crazy hours of the night she is constantly causing problems screaming yelling crying.We can't even have our friends around her because she does her crazy things like throwing fits or telling everyone how crappy her life is and starts crying.Don't get me wrong - I do care for her. But we have all tried to get her into rehab, we even took her to California away from here to get help and she refused.She refuses to do anything about her life and just interferes with everyone elses.ANYWAY, let's get to the point. How am I supposed to deal with this at my wedding? My FI is extremely worried as well. I mean she goes from all smiles to screaming rampages within seconds! Totally unpredictable and just insane. Also, she wants to bring her abusive cracked out boyfriend drug dealer as her date...um no?How do we handle this?

J&K10910 · July 2009

Your FSIL is NOT crazy. She needs help. You say you've all tried to get her into rehab, but you're obviously not very supportive. If you don't want to deal with it, don't invite her and hire security to keep her out. But that won't do anything for her mental health.

Beadlz · July 2009

Don't invite her. It sounds harsh, but it is one of the consequences of being an addict. She should know that her behavior is inappropriate and by telling her that she should get into rehab but then including her into everything you are just enabling her--why should she stop drinking when there are no consequences?I was raised by an addict, and sometimes these things are necessary.

tidetravel · July 2009

If you know for a fact that she does drugs and her husband is a dealer, you could report them to the police. Then she may have to go to rehab. As for the wedding - you could decide not to invite them, although I don't know what type of family drama that may incurr.Then again - if she's in jail, that would solve your problem

Beadlz · July 2009

Also wanted to say I agree with J&K, she isn't crazy. The person she is while under the influence is not the real person, and probably someone completely different.

hmc318 · July 2009

She is completely invited to our wedding. I am asking what to do when she gets out of hand.I apologize if the term crazy offended you. I did not mean it like "She is mentally insane" I mean her behavior is crazy and unpredictable. She beat the crap out of her mother a few weeks ago because she was high. I understand it doesn't sound so "supportive" of us but when someone refuses to help themselves how do you help them?She doesn't want help. She is 25 years old. We have called the police we have called rehab facilities to have her committed but they all say she doesn't fit the standard profile to be committed with her consent.So my question is what to do? Just let her be herself and throw a fit in the middle of our ceremony? Ask her to leave if she gets out of hand? Not invite her? Although as of right now we are inviting her.You may think its easy to judge our situation based on my previous post but you have no idea what these past few months have been like for me and my FI's family.

salt78 · July 2009

This girl isn't crazy. She's an addict. There is a huge difference. I've known people like her in the past that absolutely refuse to get help because they don't see that they have a problem. Unfortunately if you have exhausted all your attempts at interventions, you might just have to write her off for awhile. There is going to be little that you can do to help her unless she wants to help herself. That said, if I were in your position, depending on how FI and the rest of the family feels about it, I would be hesitant to have her at the wedding at all.

Hello Sunshine · July 2009

She obviously needs help. This problem is bigger than her causing a scene at your wedding. And your wedding is something like 10 months away. A lot can happen in that time. Just because you guys are getting married does not mean you can expect her problems to just disappear. Listen - coming from a woman with an ex-addict sibling - rehabilitation CAN happen and it takes a lot of work from those who care. My brother has been clean for almost 10 years now, is married with two beautiful baby boys and doesn't even "use" caffeine anymore. Her family needs to help her get help. It sounds like you've all tried, but IMO you need to try harder.

salt78 · July 2009

[i]She beat the crap out of her mother a few weeks ago because she was high.[/i] Oh my god. DO NOT invite her.

banana468 · July 2009

How are his parents about the entire situation? Do they understand what she's doing or are they enabling her?Normally I'd say you can't control the dates of guests but if you know she's dating someone who abuses her and deals drugs, I can't blame you for not wanting that at your wedding.I'd give her photo to your venue and let them know that they're not to over-serve her.In the meantime, I'd have your FI talk to his parents about the VERY real concern that his sister may turn the celebrations into a catastrophe. Does the sister "get" what she's doing? Has she gone beyond the point of just being difficult but also causing physical harm? Can you talk to a mental health professional about how she can get treatment and get to the point where getting her treatment does not require her consent?

J&K10910 · July 2009

Look, the only way she's going to get help is if family stops enabling her. I agree with Beadz (I think, sorry for mispelling if I did), there now has to be consequences for her actions, if she's not willing to get help on her own. Is family paying her bills? Letting her live with them?Obviously I can't tell her family what to do, but if my child was addicted to drugs and beat the crap out of me, I'd be calling the police and pressing charges. Sometimes you have to push them out of the nest and make them stand on their own two feet. Not saying it would be easy, it would be the hardest thing I'd ever done or probably would ever do. But sometimes things like this have to be done.It doesn't sound like there's any good way to deal with her at your wedding if she starts acting out. Sorry.

hmc318 · July 2009

Beadlz, thank you for the advice.I just need advice on how to handle our wedding situation, not on how to handle her life. Again, I would never "make fun" of someone's mental state and call them crazy. I meant her behavior is extremely odd no one knows what to do.

tidetravel · July 2009

I don't think anyone is judging your post. I am sure everyone on here has dealt with a friend or a loved one who has some sort of addition problem. I agree that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Sometimes, if you have done all that you can, you have to move on. If I had done all that you have, and she hasn't made any effort to get better or seek help, I wouldn't invite her. Like PPs said - there are consequences for your actions. Sometimes, the consequences are that if you continue to make bad decisions, you risk ruining relationships with people that love you.

Beadlz · July 2009

I know exactly what you are going through, I've lived it several times over, trust me. There is no story you could tell that would shock me in regards to an addicts behavior. If you want to invite her then there is nothing you can do to control her behavior--you just have to deal with it. That being said, is there a reason you are dead set on inviting her? I know she is family, but if my brother, who is now sober, acted like that I wouldn't invite him.

hmc318 · July 2009

I feel sad for my FI because he tries so hard to help her and she doesn't want it. Her parents are enablers. She never gets into trouble except the few times we had to call the police and nothing happened.She lives at home with no job and responsibilities. I have personally tried all I can. I feel like her parents have done a lot but possibly could do more by make her responsible for her actions. She recently wrecked her moms car and now gets to drive her dads.I guess this post was more about me venting to unbiased readers.Thanks to everyone who is responding with positive and helpful feedback.I know our wedding isn't the big issue but when your FI is so upset he is practically in tears I just want to make sure nothing else goes wrong for him or for us.Hopefully that's understandable.

ac_in_dc · July 2009

I'm sorry about the troubles you & your FI and his family are dealing with right now. His sister's problems are big, and real. Keep supporting your FI as he learns how to deal with that. You have 8 months to decide if the sister should attend the wedding. Like PP said, a lot can change in this time.

Hello Sunshine · July 2009

She beat the crap out of her mother a few weeks ago because she was high. Did Mom press charges? She should have. An addict with violent tendencies and assault charges on her record would certainly fit the "profile" for rehab. If she didn't press charges, then she is doing nothing to help her daughter. It sounds like her family is enabling her to continue a downward spiral... you are doing this, by even considering inviting her to the wedding when she has been showing violence towards her family.

hmc318 · July 2009

Well...since our wedding is a little ways away right now we just plan on having her there. Hoping things will be different by then.We have already talked about not inviting her if she still behaves this way. I think my FI is somewhat in denial and wants his only sister to be a part of something so special to him.

lyndausvi · July 2009

I would revisit this when you send out the invites and not until then. A lot or nothing can happen between now and then, so all you really can do is not think about it too much and deal with it closer to the wedding.

banana468 · July 2009

Yeah, if she punched your FMIL, I'd actually say that regretfully she's not invited.The issue is that you know her behavior can get out of hand to anyone and regarding anything.This is when I'd say, "Sis, we love you but because of the way you act, I can't have you at my wedding until you get some help."People like this won't change until they want to. However including her in family functions is also telling her that you condone what she's doing. She shouldn't be part of large gatherings when you know she's a safety hazard.

redheadfsu · July 2009

The question is not "what to do at the wedding?" The question should be "are you done trying to help her?" If so then don't invite her. But only you & her family can decide that. You have to try over & over with addicts, but you can't help someone if they don't want help.

J&K10910 · July 2009

I get where you're coming from. I'm not trying to be a biitch, but I really, really don't think there's anything you can do if she comes to the wedding and decides to act out. If it was me, I wouldn't let someone who had been violent to her own family member in the past come to my wedding. But I can understand your FI wanting to include her. So I have nothing to offer you. Perhaps you can hire security so there's someone there to escort her out if she becomes a danger to herself or others.

Kati0105 · July 2009

I think inviting her to the wedding is another form of enabling (albeit not as much so as letting her live for free, giving her a car etc) and telling her she cannot attend the wedding unless she completes a rehab program and stays clean might be the kick in the a** she needs. If not, inviting someone who may pose a risk to the safety of other guests is a bad idea, IMO. I'm sorry that you and your FI's family are dealing with this and I know it isn't an easy situation, I hope things improve over the next several months.

Beadlz · July 2009

you should remind your FI that the person his sister is right now, isn't actually his sister anymore, but someone overtaken by drugs and alcohol. I am sorry that you are going through this, I know how tough it can be, especially since you are still on the outside looking in.

banana468 · July 2009

If this was my husband's sibling, I'd let him know that I can't jeopardize the safety of our friends and family for his one sibling. If having her there matters 'that' much then telling her NOW, "I want to let you know that what you're doing isn't OK. I can't talk to you when you act like this and I want you to know that if you don't get help, you won't be part of the wedding."I'd talk to therapists about this as well. Waiting until you're ready to send invitations is about the least prudent action to take. If that's your FI's approach you should move to the beach because he's burying his head in the sand.

hmc318 · July 2009

Well if I were her, my parents would have tossed me out long ago. My FMIL did not press charges. I don't agree with this.I guess all I can do is wait and see how she is a few months from now.Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for all the supportive answers.

CubsGirl05 · July 2009

I haven't read responses yet, so I am sure this has been said..but.. WTF do you mean "How are you supposed to handle this at your wedding"?! Is this the only thing you care about? Your stupid wedding? She needs help, and you need a lesson in how to be caring human being.

J&K10910 · July 2009

Hey OP, you and your FI should check out an AlAnon meeting. It's support for family and friends of addicts.

hmc318 · July 2009

Great advice banana. I wanted to mention it to her and my FMIL sometime in the next few months but I think my FI is worried about his sisters reaction. But I don't think he should have to walk to eggshells? She has shown no sign of wanting to get help and this has been going on for almost a year now, recently has been its worst. I guess I don't see her changing her life anytime soon and neither does my FI.

lpstl · July 2009

Speaking from experience (my brother had an addiction problem about 5 years ago) the worst thing anyone can do for her is constantly bail her out of trouble. Her parents are part of the problem, and even though I'm sure they can't imagine letting their daughter fall, it's the best thing for her.My brother would probably be dead right now if we hadn't stood back and let him deal with his own mess. The courts put in him in an inpatient rehabilitation program for two years, and he's doing amazing now.

Kati0105 · July 2009

Cubs, we all assumed that at first too but the responses all make it clear that OP is genuinely concerned about her FSIL.

Crazy FSIL!

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