Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.

volleygurl0306 · November 2011

So my FI and I had to move our wedding date due to financial issues (his parents are giving us some money but the rest is on us and due to a few work-related moves our savings account is dismal). We pushed it as far back as our venue would allow us to next September. They didn't give us a lot of flexibility AND my older brother is getting married in July so wanted to avoid being too close to his. So we picked our new date and are excited about it. Well, my younger brother plays football for an Ivy League school. I use "plays" loosely because while he was king at his high school he is the second string at college and plays one series every other game. My dad is totally disillusioned about his little "star" athlete. So the fact that my wedding now falls on a game day, my dad says he's not going to influence my brother either way because he'll be grown (21 yr old) and can decide to miss the wedding or the game on his own. And, my dad says I should understand the tough spot I'm putting my brother in IF he's a starter. Uhhh he has played football since he was 5 yr old....this one game is seriously more important than my wedding. I also feel like my dad not sticking up for my wedding IS an influence because he's condoning my brother to miss it. I'm normally not a selfish bridezilla. I've been laid back thru this whole thing but this has me devastated. I think talking to my brother will help because he wouldn't want to upset me (or my mom who is besides herself over this one and thinks its ridiculous to miss my wedding) but I don't want my dad in his other ear saying its ok. I feel totally betrayed/abandoned by my dad. What should I do?

banana468 · November 2011

Let it go. Say, "Well Dad, if he misses my wedding for his game then that's his loss isn't it?"

FWIW, I do think you should be fairly respectful of your brother's team commitment. If he's on the team then it may not matter to the coach whether or not he plays. The coach may interpret your brother attending your wedding as a slight to the team and that could affect whether or not he gets play time in any games that season. That's a choice your brother needs to make and it is something that you should keep in mind too.

My point is that you can keep your date but you need to understand that you DID book it at a time that isn't going to be convenient for your brother and he may have to decline attending your wedding. And your father is probably trying to let you know that as well.

nlindsay17 · November 2011

Your brother is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions without any input from his father. If he wants to attend your wedding he will need to discuss it with his coach well in advance. I really can't see his coach thinking him wanting to attend his sister's wedding as a slight to the team. He will have plenty of other games but his sister will only have one wedding (hopefully). I hope it all works out and wish you the best of luck.

blush64 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:20add05b-ad45-4477-b941-72d97b383747">Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]So my FI and I had to move our wedding date due to financial issues (his parents are giving us some money but the rest is on us and due to a few work-related moves our savings account is dismal). We pushed it as far back as our venue would allow us to next September. They didn't give us a lot of flexibility AND my older brother is getting married in July so wanted to avoid being too close to his. So we picked our new date and are excited about it. Well, my younger brother plays football for an Ivy League school. I use "plays" loosely because while he was king at his high school he is the second string at college and plays one series every other game. My dad is totally disillusioned about his little "star" athlete. So the fact that my wedding now falls on a game day, my dad says he's not going to influence my brother either way because he'll be grown (21 yr old) and can decide to miss the wedding or the game on his own. And, my dad says I should understand the tough spot I'm putting my brother in IF he's a starter. Uhhh he has played football since he was 5 yr old....this one game is seriously more important than my wedding. I also feel like my dad not sticking up for my wedding IS an influence because he's condoning my brother to miss it. I'm normally not a selfish bridezilla. I've been laid back thru this whole thing but this has me devastated. I think talking to my brother will help because he wouldn't want to upset me (or my mom who is besides herself over this one and thinks its ridiculous to miss my wedding) but I don't want my dad in his other ear saying its ok. I feel totally betrayed/abandoned by my dad. What should I do?
Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

I agree with what the poster above me wrote but also with the first poster. I can see both sides.

I wanted to add that the way you worded this, it sounds mean.

volleygurl0306 · November 2011

I don't mean it mean. I am very close to my brother and encourage his football career. I just meant it that it's hard for me to digest his missing my wedding if he'll be on the bench.

kmmssg · November 2011

I agree with Banana. Your wedding day is very important to your family. His football game is also very important. Keep this in mind also: whether he attends your wedding is small beans. What matters is if he is a supportive brother and encourages you and your marriage.

vicki0508 · November 2011

Collegiate sports are way more serious than high school sports. My brother is a college athlete, too, and it's a whole different life.

If he can't make it, don't hold it against him. Either way it's a tough decision for him, he doesn't need you giving him a guilt trip for the rest of his life.

blush64 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:4ee37280-f22a-4228-9b8f-81aa30da0d5a">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mean it mean. I am very close to my brother and encourage his football career. I just meant it that it's hard for me to digest his missing my wedding if he'll be on the bench.
Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

Ok, I get it.

tldh · November 2011

Is your brother a freshman right now? If he is, it's not surprising that he's not a starter. He may be one next year though and while I doubt any coach would hold it against him to miss a game for his sister's wedding, you have to understand that there are very few games in a season. This isn't basketball here with a two or three games a week and then a month long tournament if you had a great year. You are putting him in position that nobody wants to be in so don't make it worse by making the situation all about you and your wedding.

volleygurl0306 · November 2011

He's in his second year but the kid who starts is the same year as him. They've promised my brother that they'd do a two quarterback system, that he'll go in in the 3rd series, etc and they never do! They lie to him a lot about how much he'll play. He outshines the starter regularly at practice and still doesn't go in. The coaches have a HUGE preference to this other qb for whatever reason, even in games where he throws 4 interceptions they don't put my brother in. FI and I get collegiate level sports (FI played baseball in the ACC) but the Ivy League is a little different too because they can't go to a bowl game or play any championship. My brother is frustrated with football as is so I don't want to belittle it either. But, because he's had a bad experience there I guess it also adds the hurt because I've been a good sister to him and we are close.

ashlidie · November 2011

i think you need to be understanding of your brothers decision. this might cost him that starter position he is looking for. you dream of your wedding, he might be dreaming of starting. coaches might not care honestly if it is his sisters wedding or not. i do completely understand your concern, it will not be easy to have him not there. but if he cant come, i think you need to respect it. it does not mean he doesnt care or doesnt condone the marriage, its just bad timing.

tldh · November 2011

Things change while a game is going on. That's why so much of it is comprised of gametime decisions. It's also not unusual for sophomores to not get a lot of game time, Usually, it's juniors and seniors. My alma mater's quarterback Zach Collaras got the early nod as a freshman only because the starting quarterback got hurt.

Look at this from his perspective. This is a game that he loves and he is still holding on to the hope of getting to play. Whatever decision he makes, will not be an easy one.

banana468 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:a16317c0-cc83-4948-82fb-65641c0329d5">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]i think you need to be understanding of your brothers decision. this might cost him that starter position he is looking for. you dream of your wedding, he might be dreaming of starting. coaches might not care honestly if it is his sisters wedding or not. i do completely understand your concern, it will not be easy to have him not there. but if he cant come, i think you need to respect it. it does not mean he doesnt care or doesnt condone the marriage, its just bad timing.
Posted by ashlidie[/QUOTE]

This. I understand being sad and possibly upset that he's not going to be there.

But he needs to look at the repercussions of missing ONE game if he takes football seriously. And this is a planned event that you could have changed. You have great reasons for having it when you are but he also has great reasons for not going and you need to respect that.

gurrlballa10 · November 2011

Ummm...I played college basketball, and we didn't have a choice. The only reason we missed a game was if we were injured and still had to sit the bench dressed out.

I don't understand how he even has an option to attend. If I told my coach I had to go to my sister's wedding and miss a game, she would have laughed in my face.

Granted, I was a starter, but she would have done that to the last person on the bench.

I actually think it's pretty inconsiderate of you to schedule something as big as your wedding, on a day that he has no control over whether he can be there or not.

MairePoppy · November 2011

I'm the mother of 3 adults and I'm going to agree with your father. Your brother is an adult and there is nothing anyone can or should do, if he chooses to participate in a football game over your wedding.

Like the others said, he may not have a choice as far as the coach is concerned.

whifflegirl · November 2011

I think that if I were him, I'd be wondering why my sister made the conscious decision to put me in the position of having to choose. It looks like you must be expecting him to miss either game one or game two of the season, too, since, at least this year no Ivy League team played a game until Sept 17th. You'd be basically putting him in the position of giving up his shot of starting since a coach is highly unlikely to give a lot of pre-season practice time to a quarterback who the coach knows will be missing one of the first two games of the season.

I realize that you had to make the decision to have your wedding pushed back, but your brother obviously didn't get a say in the day you chose. Don't hold it against him that you pretty much gave him an impossible decision to make.

tldh · November 2011

You might also want to consider how resentful he will be if attending your wedding costs him a starting position or even his spot on the team.

Kristin789 · November 2011

>>I think that if I were him, I'd be wondering why my sister made the conscious decision to put me in the position of having to choose. It looks like you must be expecting him to miss either game one or game two of the season, too, since, at least this year no Ivy League team played a game until Sept 17th.

Totally agree with this.
You are the one who was searching for a new date. And you could have chosen a date in August or the first two weeks in Sept. You deliberately chose the third or fourth Sat in Sept. You should reconsider.

bethsmiles · November 2011

I thinks it's horrible how you've spoken about your brother in your OP and if he knew you thought those things it probably would sway his opinion of how good of a sister you are. IMO you should move your wedding date because you shouldn't have put this on him to begin with.

dguior · November 2011

That is tough, but you should talk to your brother and father. Tell them how much it would mean to you if your brother could be there. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. My younger brother does sports in teh summer and I would be devistated if he couldn't make it as well. Talk to them. It's ok to be a little "bridezilla-ish" when it comes to siblings not attending.

lexco · November 2011

Not to mention at any time during the game....the *star* player could go out..if this happened..and your brother wasnt there to go in..the coach would have to go with someone else and he could very well lose his postion that he has worked so hard to get..

Summer2011Bride · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:da16152f-261d-4e2e-8043-a00585141256">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I thinks it's horrible how you've spoken about your brother in your OP and if he knew you thought those things it probably would sway his opinion of how good of a sister you are. IMO you should move your wedding date because you shouldn't have put this on him to begin with.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

This doesn't sound like the situation of the OP, but I wanted to give another perspective to this. Yes, committing to a sport is very important. However, my H always came second to his younger brother who played basketball. His parents wouldn't help him out in college at all financially even though he kept a part-time job while holding a 3.5 GPA, but they would drop thousands on his brother's summer basketball camps while he was in high school. H always had to have a summer job and did so gladly, paying for everything on his own, but his brother never had to have summer work and his folks paid for EVERYthing (going out with friends, on dates, etc.).Nothing his brother could do was wrong, even if he mouthed off and stayed out all hours of the night. H was pretty much a good sport about it, but it was hurtful, how they thought the sun rose and fell out of his brother's ass and he was always second fiddle to him.

His brother got to college and dropped out of basketball after one year because he was always on the bench. Now, I'm not saying this is OP's situation b/c it doesn't sound like it, but I can understand always being put behind a sibling just because they play sports, and it doesn't feel good to be on the other end of it. Just a little perspective.

OP: I do think that since this is a prior commitment of your brother, you need to be understanding of the situation and that he may have no choice but to miss it if he wants to remain on the team. You chose to have your wedding date during football season, so this is something you have to deal with. I don't necessarily think you have to change your date, but be understanding if he can't make it.

tldh · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:fe10c9c6-53f5-41b1-bea3-c776add4e9c7">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]That is tough, but you should talk to your brother and father. Tell them how much it would mean to you if your brother could be there. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. My younger brother does sports in teh summer and I would be devistated if he couldn't make it as well. Talk to them. It's ok to be a little "bridezilla-ish" when it comes to siblings not attending.
Posted by dguior[/QUOTE]

How are you imagining the conversation would go? Because no matter what, it's going to come off as "Dammit, I want a September wedding and I think that you are being selfish for picking a college commitment over me. I don't care what it costs you because I'm the only thing that matters on my wedding day."

CowgirlK39 · November 2011

I think everyone here is being ridiculous. Its like "Jeez, OP, how dare you plan your life and NOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! Wtf is wrong with you!?" The girl planned her wedding when it would work the best considering the situ. She can't suit everyone's schedule. Thats how life goes.

I was an athlete in the NCAA, Div I, and I KNOW how that goes. While sports do consume your life for the most part, if something is big enough that you have to miss a game/event, then you do what you can. If I had told my coach I had to miss a regular event bc of a family thing, he would have been annoyed but understanding. If it was a championship, he would have killed me, but in the end it would have been my decision. Thats exactly what this is going to come down to... your brother's decision. He should try to talk to his coach about it, and if the coach goes thru the roof at the thought of him not being there, then its his decision whether he wants to miss the game or the wedding. You really have no control over it, other than to simply tell him you would love it if he was there but understand if he's not.

You didn't do anything wrong by planning your wedding when you did. You can't put your life on hold for others all the time. But it is what it is, and over all, its your brother's decision what he does.

bethsmiles · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:16d5eee5-1785-4813-b49a-90e6b08198d3">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I think everyone here is being ridiculous. Its like "Jeez, OP, how dare you plan your life and NOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! Wtf is wrong with you!?" The girl planned her wedding when it would work the best considering the situ. She can't suit everyone's schedule.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

No one is saying she should make everyone happy, but usually the schedules family and extremely close friends are taken into consideration. If she didn't bother to think about that then she shouldn't complain that her brother is being forced to make this decision when it's her fault he has to make it in the first place.

KaroPat · November 2011

I understand it´s a tough situation. I´m just a little shocked about how nobody thinks ¨my sister is getting married¨ is an important enough excuse, even if nobody understands it.

If my brother was getting married on the most important work day of the year for me, I would make other arrangements at work and attend or quit if they told me I couldn´t.

banana468 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:2a8261ce-0ec4-4c76-a775-c45bb7634a81">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand it´s a tough situation. I´m just a little shocked about how nobody thinks ¨my sister is getting married¨ is an important enough excuse, even if nobody understands it. If my brother was getting married on the most important work day of the year for me, I would make other arrangements at work and attend or quit if they told me I couldn´t.
Posted by KaroPat[/QUOTE]

You'd QUIT your job?

This advice is so illogical it's impossible for me to take any of it seriously.

KaroPat · November 2011

Yeah, I would. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I missed my brother´s wedding. And I would find it disrespectful of the employer to think that this is not important enough.

I have had friends in the same situation, who have ultimately said the same as me.

So, if the football game is so important, what are the conditions you can miss it? If someone dies, is that reason enough? Or it´s still not good enough?

banana468 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:e8a9f823-d7fa-47c3-b15c-b82ab4bf949a">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I would. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I missed my brother´s wedding. And I would find it disrespectful of the employer to think that this is not important enough. I have had friends in the same situation, who have ultimately said the same as me. So, if the football game is so important, what are the conditions you can miss it? If someone dies, is that reason enough? Or it´s still not good enough?
Posted by KaroPat[/QUOTE]

Here's the issue that I have with the comments:

1) You'd regret it if you missed your brother's wedding but would you deliberately schedule your wedding date on a day that you KNEW he had a conflict? Why should he be expected to drop a prior commitment because you didn't respect his schedule? Respect is a two way street that way. It essentially says that his commitment to his school and team should be secondary to a party that could have been planned for multiple other days that are NOT during the time he has this commitment.

2) You'd expect others to do this for you - but what if they couldn't? The idea that you'd expect someone to quit a job in this economy is a bit absurd. I'm not going to risk losing my home because of a wedding. And I'd think rather low of someone who KNEW I had a committment and still expected me to get out of it. It implies that one event is more important than the other - when really what you're saying is that your wedding will never be as important as the schedule someone else made.

3) Employers have schedules to meet, budgets to make and goods to produce. Sometimes they can't grant days off. That's part of what you agree to as an employee. You can dislike the employer but they don't have to give you the day off - and they don't have to look favorably upon you if you decide that you don't want to uphold your end of the bargain.

4) A wedding really shouldn't be compared to a death at all. One is a planned event that can be prioritized. Deaths don't. Don't try to lump them into the same group.

It can be tough to plan a date that works around everyone's schedule but that's part of life. It's quite rude to think that you can plan something that you KNOW will be a conflict and then to expect zero repercussions from your choices.

KaroPat · November 2011

Ok, so here´s my response.

1. As far as I understand, she scheduled the wedding on a ¨game day¨. As far as I understand, that could be every Saturday of the year. If it was the only game he had all year, that would probably be different.

2. I wouldn´t expect anyone else to do this. I wouldn´t do it. Unless it was my brother. I´m prioritizing the siblingry here.

And I´m not expecting other people to quit their jobs. I would do it, that doesn´t mean other people should. But this is a kid and one of like 30 football games that year.

3. Agreed. But that´s the trade-off I make. I´m prioritizing what´s more important for me here.

4. I´m not comparing, I´m just wondering what are acceptable excuses. I am surprised a football game (one of, I assume, many that year) is taking precedence over a wedding.

banana468 · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_football-vs-wedding-seriously-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb52797d-bbae-4cd3-b5db-ce66045f417fPost:fa735da8-5158-4091-9982-692286f9aecc">Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so here´s my response. 1. As far as I understand, she scheduled the wedding on a ¨game day¨. As far as I understand, that could be every Saturday of the year. If it was the only game he had all year, that would probably be different. 2. I wouldn´t expect anyone else to do this. I wouldn´t do it. Unless it was my brother. I´m prioritizing the siblingry here. And I´m not expecting other people to quit their jobs. I would do it, that doesn´t mean other people should. But this is a kid and one of like 30 football games that year. 3. Agreed. But that´s the trade-off I make. I´m prioritizing what´s more important for me here. 4. I´m not comparing, I´m just wondering what are acceptable excuses. I am surprised a football game (one of, I assume, many that year) is taking precedence over a wedding.
Posted by KaroPat[/QUOTE]

To your last comment, it isn't a football game taking priority over a wedding. It's her brother's commitment taking priority over her party. It's a bummer that it's his sister's wedding but schedules for teams are out WAY in advance. She had plenty of notice to know when and where he would be busy. He signed up to play for this team and made a commitment to them. Maybe he can get out and maybe he can't - but he'd be asking his coach to let him out to go to a party which shouldn't be compared to leaving because he's part of a grief stricken family.

And I took a quick look at Ivy League schedules. They play a whopping 10 games a year. That leaves her 42 other weekends that are open for her wedding.

Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.

Re: Football vs. my wedding! Seriously?! Kinda long sorry.

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