Venting about FI

NuggetBrain · December 2011

See J&K, I got something different. Like, my FIL HAAAATES suits. But he wore one for our ceremony and the pictures and the speeches. And then as soon as he was done with his stuff, he changed into khakis and a button down shirt because that's what he was comfortable in. No problem for us. That's what I was assuming she was talking about, I could be wrong though.

OP - will he at least wear a button down shirt and nice pants and a tie to the wedding?

NuggetBrain · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:e8d778fd-ac8a-4e50-ad3d-a942c4fb67ef">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]If he won't even DISCUSS it with you, you guys have waaaay bigger things to deal with than what he's wearing to your wedding.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

F'reals.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

I didn't think she was talking about wedding attire at all. I thought she was just bitching about how her FI hates dressing up in general.

santana9505 · December 2011

J&K- here's a little "background" for our wedding day- he wants me to wear a dress...pretty much the most exciting thing for him is the anticipation for him waiting to see me all "dolled up" on our big day. He won't stop talking about how gorgeous I'm going to look. Just to give you a little idea about that. I'm focused about the big picture, too. I'm at a loss for words when we talk about it.

mari0225 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:697e5864-c607-4d40-a57b-8dcea03a84d1">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with J&K, but I don't think it's unreasonable of you to expect him to dress up twice a year without him making a fuss. Adults have to do things they don't want to do. It's life.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. FI wears tshirts and jeans about 90% of the time. But if he has to dress up, he might grumble a little, but that's it he dresses up. I don't think you're being so unreasonable to ask him to wear a nice outfit once or twice a year. Now at the wedding my fi is wear a black suit, no tux but is wearing his black cowboy boots and changing into jeans after pictures and etc. Trust me, I have to do things with him I don't want to do and vice versa, Friday night he took me out to the Nutcracker and the Cheesecake factory and he dressed up and I know a gun show is in my immediate future...it's all about compromises.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:4fef8bfd-d42c-4e90-929d-793ed49ddfe8">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]J&K- here's a little "background" for our wedding day- he wants me to wear a dress...pretty much the most exciting thing for him is the anticipation for him waiting to see me all "dolled up" on our big day. He won't stop talking about how gorgeous I'm going to look. Just to give you a little idea about that. I'm focused about the big picture, too. I'm at a loss for words when we talk about it.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Hold the phone. He wants you to get dolled up but he <em>doesn't</em> want to get dolled up? WTF is his problem?

ErinG93 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:dc35e462-f206-4e10-a743-e0918897300d">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : That's strange. Some separate hobbies are healthy.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

Dum dum, I totally agree. It's great to do things together and enjoy new hobbies but you still need to be YOU. I had an ex like this and I completely lost who I was within our relationship. Don't let that happen to you. I think it's very disrespectful of him to not dress up for a Christmas party, cheese and rice. If he can't wear a tie for three hours that is just ridiculous.

santana9505 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:a5c0547a-0671-4b91-b8f4-911896d8bd42">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : That's not at all what I got out of it. He didn't want to dress up (I'm focusing on the wedding here, FYI). She said "let's compromise, you only have to wear the tux for the ceremony and pictures." Then what? Then he can take the jacket off? Everyone does that. That's not a compromise, in my opinion. If<strong> she was saying "Ok, How about nice dress pants, a shirt, and a tie, and he was still like FUUCK THAT, THEN I'd agree that he's being unreasonable. </strong>As far as I can tell, she hasn't said that she's so much as asked him what he'd be comfortable in. Or that they discussed this before determining the formality of the wedding.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Tried the nice dress pants, shirt and tie.

He refuses the dress pants. I compromised on black jeans.
He refuses the dress shirt- he wants an all camo dress shirt
He refuses the tie- yeah- "FUUCKK A TIE"

yes. unreasonable.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

Here's the issue - it's not that he won't dress up, it's that he's acting like a petulant child who wants what he wants without having to do what's required to get it.

He hates dressing up - okay, cool, you tell him he doesn't have to come to the work party. He insists on going to the work party - well, then he has to dress up. He can't sit around in dirty old jeans and go to your work party - he has to choose. And rather than be a grown-up and say "sorry honey, but you know this fancy shmancy stuff isn't for me, have a good time," he makes you think he's coming, right up until the moment he refuses to put his big-boy pants on and go. That's not an acceptable way to behave.

You guys should really consider pre-marital counseling - he obviously has no idea how to communicate like an adult.

annakb8 · December 2011

OK, I'm not a guy, and obviously neither are the rest of us (unless Charmin wants to chime in) but is wearing slacks THAT much different than wearing jeans? Are jeans THAT much more comfortable? I don't get why this is a big deal. Is wearing a tuxedo really more uncomforatble than wearing a normal suit? Or even khakis and a blazer? I get how a tie could be annoying, but the rest I don't understand.

Of course this is all tangental and not really pertinant to Santana's vent.

Also, I'm sure I have a hard time understanding because H and I are usually the most overdressed people anywhere we go. We went to my friends apartment to play Apples to Apples Saturday night and my H wore a tie.

lbarr088 · December 2011

This to me just sounds like a huge communication mess. If he shuts you out when you approach him like an adult (emphasis on adult and not whiney that he wont dress up or you are mad about wedding things) then I think there are some red flags. Any successful relationship can be attributed to proper communication. IF you guys are unable to properly communicate to one another without fights/shutting down, etc. I would seek help from a professional that can show you techniques on how to properly do so.

(Also I like the point that you get to choose your dress so he should choose his attire for the wedding.)

ETA: Ok that's a little strange that you should be dolled up but he can look like whatever... clearly it doesn't matter that you are excited for him to be "dolled" up as well....

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:4fef8bfd-d42c-4e90-929d-793ed49ddfe8">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]J&K- here's a little "background" for our wedding day- he wants me to wear a dress...pretty much the most exciting thing for him is the anticipation for him waiting to see me all "dolled up" on our big day. He won't stop talking about how gorgeous I'm going to look. Just to give you a little idea about that. I'm focused about the big picture, too. I'm at a loss for words when we talk about it.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Then if he wants to see you dolled up, but isn't willing to do the same for you, that's weird. I still don't think he should be required to wear a tux if he doesn't want to, because I'm going to assume you planned on wearing a wedding dress anyway (correct me if I'm wrong though). There are plenty of ways for him to get dressed up without wearing a tux.

So what I'd like to know is 1. Why are you set on a tux? 2. Did you really think he would wear a tux? 3. Did you guys discuss the formality of the event at all together before you started planning it? 4. Have you talked to him about what he would be comfortable wearing?

NuggetBrain · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0a139e5d-da3e-4956-9e7a-4b79a5dad13b">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Tried the nice dress pants, shirt and tie. He refuses the dress pants. I compromised on black jeans. He refuses the dress shirt- he wants an all camo dress shirt He refuses the tie- yeah- "FUUCKK A TIE" yes. unreasonable.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

....okay yeah, no. He's going to look completely ridiculous in jeans and a camo shirt with you in a big white wedding dress done up to the 9's.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0a139e5d-da3e-4956-9e7a-4b79a5dad13b">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Tried the nice dress pants, shirt and tie. He refuses the dress pants. I compromised on black jeans. He refuses the dress shirt- he wants an all camo dress shirt He refuses the tie- yeah- "FUUCKK A TIE" yes. unreasonable.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Am I an asshole for thinking that I'd drop this dude immediately? Just me? Bueller?

F'real.

jemmini6 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0a139e5d-da3e-4956-9e7a-4b79a5dad13b">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Tried the nice dress pants, shirt and tie. He refuses the dress pants. I compromised on black jeans. He refuses the dress shirt- he wants an all camo dress shirt He refuses the tie- yeah- "FUUCKK A TIE" yes. unreasonable.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Um...I think you guys should do some pre-marital counselling. I mean, if he's this stubborn and won't compromise on things like wedding attire, what's going to happen with your finances, raising children, etc?

J&K10910 · December 2011

Ok, I posted while you were posting.

I actually think dress pants are MORE comfortable than jeans. I don't know, I can't even bother with the attire anymore. You guys have other things to work on first.

NuggetBrain · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:29eff6f5-c86d-4429-aa0c-4129fa7dac32">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Um...I think you guys should do some pre-marital counselling. I mean, if he's this stubborn and won't compromise on things like wedding attire, <strong>what's going to happen with your finances, raising children, etc?
</strong>Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

Oh good Lord, yes. He refuses to wear a suit for half a day, I can't imagine what his version of "compromising" will be when it comes to kids and money.

MattsPenguin · December 2011

AATB - I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, and that maybe we're getting a skewed perspective. I was trying to tell the OP to be a little bit more considerate and understanding of FI's feelings.

Of course at some point, his refusal to dress appropriately does become child-like. And he's the one that looks bad (which can in turn reflect poorly on OP).

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:29eff6f5-c86d-4429-aa0c-4129fa7dac32">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Um...I think you guys should do some pre-marital counselling. I mean, if he's this stubborn and won't compromise on things like wedding attire, what's going to happen with your finances, raising children, etc?
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I don't even want to know.

redheadfsu · December 2011

Seriously this isn't just a my guy doesn't want to wear a tux issue.

Your FI won't talk to you about issues & is acting like a stubborn child. Put the wedding planning on hold and seek counseling. It is bigger than clothes...he won't talk to you (honestly) & can't understand that marriage is about compromising.

RamonaFlowers · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:547c1f61-72a3-457d-92d7-110ca76ba8e5">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Am I an asshole for thinking that I'd drop this dude immediately? Just me? Bueller? F'real.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Nope. Like I said in my PP, though, I don't have the patience to put up with that sh!t.

annakb8 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:92542610-45df-4ce2-aeb9-e6418290ff61">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : I think a suit can be a little more restricting. And dress shoes, too. But still.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>For you? Or for a dude? Because my H's suit pants aren't cut that much differently than his jeans. And he'd be wearing at least loafers anyway if he wasn't wearing dress shoes. The main difference is that his dress shoes lace up and are black.

</div>

Anysunrise · December 2011

I didn't know that the print of a shirt affects its comfort level. I'd probably lose my shiit if H insisted I wear a big fancy dress and then told me he'd be wearing jeans and a camo dress shirt. Then I'd sit down and calmly explain myself to him.

Makes me glad H loves 3 piece suits more than he loves me.

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:008b1c38-0560-4404-a138-4f642f71ef84">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe his problem is not lack of comfort, but maybe he feels like he doesn't 'look right' in dressier clothes? I had an ex-bf like that. I had to tell him over and over how marvelous he looked when he dressed up. Positive reinforcement, yo. <strong>But he's still my ex..so..there's that.</strong>
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

But I'm guessing he's your ex NOT because of not wanting to dress up, but for a multitude of other reasons.

Just like the OP has a multitude of other reasons to be having a serious chat with her FI. This has NOTHING to do with clothes.

annakb8 · December 2011

Any, my H loves suits more than he loves me too.

NuggetBrain · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:008b1c38-0560-4404-a138-4f642f71ef84">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe his problem is not lack of comfort, but maybe he feels like he doesn't 'look right' in dressier clothes? I had an ex-bf like that. I had to tell him over and over how marvelous he looked when he dressed up. <strong>Positive reinforcement</strong>, yo. But he's still my ex..so..there's that.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

I'm having this mental image of you going "Who's a pretty boy...WHO'S A PRETTY BOY, you are, yes you ARE..." at your boyfriend when he dresses up. Because that's what we do to make our IL's dog feel better when we put clothes on her and she slinks around because she thinks she looks stupid.

santana9505 · December 2011

Just to clear things up here.... I don't want FI to wear a full out tux or suit. Just a nice black jacket for the cermony. No tie/ no dress shoes/ etc.

Black Jacket (to make me happy)
Camo underneath (to make him happy)
Black Jeans (to make him happy)
Black Cowboy Boots (to make him happy)

(the only thing I am asking for is the black jacket he refuses to wear)

I'd never MAKE him wear anything- it's just what I think he'd look best in.

He has a major communication issue- I agree. How do I fix it? I don't think I'd want to see a mairrage counselor, though.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:547c1f61-72a3-457d-92d7-110ca76ba8e5">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Am I an asshole for thinking that I'd drop this dude immediately? Just me? Bueller? F'real.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I'm with you, AATB. I have an ex who refused to leave the house in anything other than baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt - it got really old, really fast. I don't require a suit and tie on a daily basis, but when the nicest restaurant we could ever go to was TGIFriday's, I lost my patience with the whole "I am who I am" shtick pretty darn quick. It's one thing to acknowledge someone's not comfortable dressing a certain way and to minimize the amount of times they have to dress that way per year, but she's asking him to wear a tie, not put a brass ring through his nose with no anesthetic.

MattsPenguin · December 2011

Matt gets really hot in suits. It's so funny, because I'm usually in a little cocktail dress and freezing, and he's burning up.

But seriously about the counseling and making sure that communications are open. Either Matt didn't articulate well why he didn't want to go the Halloween part or I didn't listen, but it wasn't until pre-marital couseling that I fully understood WHY he didn't want to go. It really helped me understand him.

Anysunrise · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:e1db4315-9a3d-40c5-b589-a172e2c9a813">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Any, my H loves suits more than he loves me too.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

<div>Lol, I'm pretty sure he started watching the Mentalist JUST because the lead guy wears them all the time. </div>

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