Just Kicked Out a BM..vent (sort of), and kind of long

kmh8d3 · September 2009

I'm really bothered that I had to do this, but I just kicked a good friend out of my wedding party. She's always been flaky - constantly cancelling plans at the last minute and stuff - but I really wanted her to stand up for me so I asked her as soon as my family knew about the engagement which was 9 months ago.This past Thursday I got a call from White House Black Market about a dress and was told that I could get a group discount if the dresses were ordered by this coming Tuesday. I set up an appointment with them for 10am today and apologized to my BM's for the last minute noticed. She responded saying that it was no problem and that she was so excited to get the dress. Then, last night, see texts me and says that she can't afford the dress. I totally understand that money is tight for her - she's a new teacher and is looking for a job right now - but it's not like I dropped this on her a few days ago. She's known for 9 months that she was going to need to buy a dress and I told my girls 3 months ago (when she was still getting a regular paycheck) that we would be ordering in September.If I knew that I would be reimbursed for the dress I would have no problem buying it for her but since this is the millionth and one time she done something like this I just can't bring myself to do it. Especially since she couldn't be truthful about her situation in the first place. I'm really hurt by this and have never been more angry. I've always been the person that defends her when she cancels at the last minute and I feel like if she was a true friend she would do whatever it takes to be there for me. After much thought I decided to let her go from the WP because I feel like I just can't depend on her. If she can't be honest with me or follow through with plans that were made how can I know that she would even show up for the wedding?When I told her this she was very gracious and said she completely understood and that I had every right to be angry. She even thanked me for everything I've done for her (she was in a car accident years ago that killed her then best friend and it's been, understandably, hard for her) and said that she hopes we can continue to be friends, even if it's not right away.I feel like I made the right decision but I also feel horrible about it.I just needed to get it off my chest so thanks for reading. Mean replies aren't necessary, I feel bad enough about this as it is.

mbcdefg · September 2009

Since you knew she's always been flaky, I don't see why you expected any different from her. I understand not enjoying being let down by a friend, but in that case then I think you should've just avoided asking her in the first place if you were willing to boot her out over a dress. People won't change their ways just because you happen to be getting married. Plus, the dress purchase only had to do with a group discount. Couldn't she have just gotten it on her own? It's not your problem if she didn't get the discount. She could've placed the order on her own time ... and if she didn't order before the dress went out of stock, then she would've removed herself from the wedding and your hands would've been clean. I think you made a mistake, personally. I'm glad she at least took it well, and hopefully your friendship won't be tainted by this incident.

duckie1905 · September 2009

I'm sorry that you don't want "mean" replies but honestly, you should feel bad. What you did was mean. You treated your friend like crap and not only do you owe her a huge apology but I would put her back in the WP. Despite the fact that she took it very well (I would not have been so kind had I been her) you basically kicked her out of your WP because she couldn't get it together enough to buy a stupid dress (for a wedding that is 10 months away). It sounds like she's been through a lot the last year or so and is having trouble with money/employment. Why not give her a break? Your wedding is still a ways out and even though you were trying to do her a favor by getting a discount the other girls could've ordered their dresses as a group and she could've been responsible for getting her dress later. You said yourself she is a flake. I'm not sure why you expected her to change for your wedding. And, I don't think not buying a dress (especially when your wedding isn't until next June) is some heinous crime and does not indicate in any way, shape, or form that she couldn't be counted on to show up for the wedding. Apologize. Immediately. And in the future consider friendships before wedding.

duckie1905 · September 2009

I should clarify. Her not buying a dress for a wedding so far out just so she could reap the benefits of a discount is not a "kick-out-able" offense. She would've had plenty of time to get the dress. She just wouldn't have been able to get the discount. You said you wanted to have her stand with you...well do you really? I think that if you really did you wouldn't have kicked her out for such a minor issue. It isn't like you are 3 days out and she doesn't have the dress. It is 10 months away. There was plenty of time to make this situation right. And, IMO, you still have time to make things right with your friend.

Jessynlove · September 2009

Im so sorry about your circumstance! It is aweful thing to realize one of your dearest friends doesnt want to put the effort to your wedding. Im totally on your side. Wedding planning is stressful...u need people u can rely on.

Licia&Wayne · September 2009

I agree with pp. I don't think it's right at all to "remove" someone from the bridal party because of money issues. She couldn't afford the dress right now. Big deal. If I was in your situation, I probably would have bought it for her. You have until June of next year for her to pay you back. I understand you feeling like she might not pay you back due to flakiness but I think if you made it clear and kept making it clear you expect her to pay you back, it wouldn't be a problem.You could also do as pp said and let her buy it on her own time when she has a little bit of money set aside. I get aggravated by posts that say, "Well people have known about X since X time, they should have been saving." Money has it's way of being spent and it's difficult to plan for the unexpected that may wipe savings out.I think there's a reason you feel horrible about this: it's your conscience telling you that you made a mistake. If she's your friend and you want her there you can't just give her the boot because she can't afford to buy a dress right now.I'm sorry if you think my post was mean but I do think you made a mistake. I also agree with the sentiment that you're lucky your friend was nice about being asked to "step down" because I think anyone in that situation would have every right to be completely peeved. Have you tried looking into cheaper dress alternatives? I guess I just don't understand how you could ask a friend not to be in your wedding over something as easily fixable as being able to afford a dress. By the way, not having money for something does not equal not showing up to a wedding. That's just ridiculous.

kmh8d3 · September 2009

The dresses are already selling out and they just came in so she would have had to get it ASAP. And this isn't about a dress. It's about this being the straw that broke the camel's back. Yes, I knew that she was flakey and should have considered that when asking her. That was my mistake. But I'm tired of her always saying that she is going to do something and then not following through.This has been happening for 8 years, not just since the summer or earlier in the year. In the past 3 years I've seen her twice and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part.As I said previously I've always been quick to defend her but it's always the same story of "I'm sorry and I'm trying," and at some point it stops meaning something when nothing changes.

Licia&Wayne · September 2009

So essentially you asked her to be in your wedding party and then kicked her out because she acted like herself?Interesting.

kmh8d3 · September 2009

She keeps saying she is trying to change and is making an effort for this and that and silly me believed her and gave her chance to prove to me.

[Deleted User] · September 2009

She's always been flaky - constantly cancelling plans at the last minute and stuff If you really felt this way, then you should have never asked her. You should feel bad and if you didn't want "mean" replies, then you should have never posted this. I think it's really crappy what you have done. If she can't afford, then she can't afford it and just because it happens to be the right time for these particular dresses, doesn't mean it's a good time for her. If you told me on a Thursday that I'd have to fork over hundreds of dollars on a Saturday, I couldn't do it either. To kick her out was wrong. To be angry at her b/c she couldn't afford the dress was wrong.

bablingbrooke · September 2009

If she missed the deadline to buy the dress on discount, that would be her problem. The other BMs could have bought it on discount. I hope the perfectly uniform, discounted BM dresses were worth losing a friend. Anyone who doesn't know the "whole story" is not going to look fondly up on you. If this would have ended your friendship anyway, I understand. But something tells me that wouldn't have ended the friendship anyway. How can you know she will even show up for the wedding? Stop being so melodramatic. She didn't pick up a freaking dress on the day YOU specified without asking HER. That's her crime. Look at yourself! What is wrong with brides these days? I still am so close to my BMs and even my sister, the world's worst MOH. Whatever happened to maturity and understanding?

Licia&Wayne · September 2009

I don't really think being a bridesmaid is about proving anything, but I could be wrong.

trix1223 · September 2009

Well, I think that you're completely totally wrong here, and come across as a pretty awful friend. But since you don't want mean replies I won't say that.But....your friend is UNEMPLOYED!! There's a world of difference between having money for food, housing, transportation, medical insurance, and having money for a dress.Yes, you told her 3 months ago about the dress. Three months ago she was probably pretty sure that she'd have a new job by now. My DD is a teacher who lost her job because of budget cuts in June. Never in a million years did she think she wouldn't have a job by now. But she doesn't. So would she be making a tough decision about whether to pay her rent NOW or pay for a dress for a wedding that is 10 months from now? That's not even a decision.Your friend is much nicer than I would be. Much. much. nicer.

macdidlyicious · September 2009

meh, kicking her our was probably wrong but if you feel better not having to rely on her to do simple things then its better in the long run. Sounds like she's grateful to be free from being a BM anyway.

[Deleted User] · September 2009

This has been happening for 8 years, not just since the summer or earlier in the year. In the past 3 years I've seen her twice and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part.I'm still trying to understand why in the world you would ask her to be in the wedding if you really felt this way about her.

mbcdefg · September 2009

I agree with you that it's not right that she keeps flaking out on you. But on the other hand, it wasn't right that you expected your wedding to be the big turning point where she'd suddenly realize the error of your ways. It's not going to come across well to other people, and especially this girl, that you put up with her personality in regular life but now that you're planning a wedding her behavior is suddenly inexcusable. That sends a message that you expect people to change just because you've got a ring on your finger. And like a PP said, her not being able to buy a dress 9 months ahead of time absolutely does NOT suggest that she won't show up for your wedding. I just don't get why she is good enough to be your friend but not good enough to be your bridesmaid. I don't think it's fair that you kicked her out because she was just being herself, which you have been fully aware of for years. I don't get why your wedding is suddenly the time when you've decided that her flaky personality is not acceptable anymore.

Licia&Wayne · September 2009

Trix, exactly. My MOH and absolute best friend in the world is an elementary school teacher. She was laid off at the end of the school year, went to goodness knows how many interviews and only got a job 2 weeks ago at a severe pay cut.There just simply is no money to go around anymore so even in the most unlikeliest of places people are feeling a huge pinch. We were praying every day for her to find a job, and I'm so glad she was fortunate enough to have found one with the massive cuts schools are taking.kmh's bridesmaid might be a flake, but this problem I feel is really out of her bm's control. I feel bad for the poor girl and I hope she finds a job asap.

kmh8d3 · September 2009

I guess I failed to mention that she lives at home and has practically no bills but can still find money to go out.

bablingbrooke · September 2009

My DH was out of work for just over a year; he got a job last month but it's 3,000 mi away from where I go to law school and I couldn't transfer this year w/o paying $50k more per year. Times are so hard and if ANYONE had given him or I a hard time about a lack of money, they would have had a raving me to deal with. So I have zero sympathy for this bride.

bablingbrooke · September 2009

kmh, you have no idea what her expenses are. She may have student loans, credit card bills, other debt, etc. Meeting a couple friends for a glass of wine every once in awhile is very very different from paying for a BM dress. So quit assuming you know her situation.

Licia&Wayne · September 2009

Yeah kmh, but she's still unemployed. There's a difference between finding $20 here and there to go for a beer and finding a few hundred to buy a dress.

[Deleted User] · September 2009

Ditto pps. You have no idea what her expenses are and judging her for how she spends her money is wrong. If I were you, I would call her right now, apologize for being so selfish and tell her I was wrong. If you are lucky, she might agree to be in the wedding after all. If so, I would offer to loan her the money for the dress.

aerinpegadrak · September 2009

Your wedding is almost a YEAR away, and you kicked her out because she couldn't get her dress now? You should feel bad. She would be completely in the right never to forgive you for this. Congratulations, you may have ended a friendship over a couple of yards of cloth.

banana468 · September 2009

This definitely seems like a hasty decision. I have to wonder, if you're not getting married until June of next year, why on Earth was your date to order dresses for September? That sounds a bit too arbitrary.It's understandable to get caught up in the excitement and it's even understandable to feel like that's "the only" dress that will work for your BP. Acting on that though is not appropriate. Your BM may have known a few months ago that she'd need to buy a dress but you sprang the purchase on her on really short notice.Really, I think you made a rush decision in purchasing the dresses (which IMO were purchased WAY too soon) but I do think that it isn't OK what you did to your friend. Had you asked each BM individually what she was OK with spending, followed up with a trip to go shopping and then said, "This is the date that your money will need to be spent," then that can work. However in this case, it just appears to be too rushed.

megk8oz · September 2009

I have to agree with everybody else on this. Being unemployed takes its toll on people.And now that you're throwing it out there that she "still lives at home, but has money to go out" sounds like you're just grasping at straws for validation.Having money to grab a beer and having money to drop on a BM dress are 2 very different things. And you DON'T know her entire financial situation. I come from a place where decent car insurance for the average "under 25-year-old" costs around $2000 for the year ... and that's if you have a clean record! Not to mention, I'm sure there are things like credit cards, cell phones, student loans, etc ... honestly, living at home shouldn't be a shot you take at somebody.I'm sorry, but given the choice between putting gas in the car and being able to have food for a week, trumps buying a BM dress for a wedding that's several months away, and really only lasts for a day anyway. Maybe she needs to go out occasionally as a small distraction from the fact that she still lives at home, has no job, recently lost her best friend in a tragic accident, and has a really superficial friend that thinks her wedding gives her entitlement to judge her on her ineptness at getting her life together.Unless of course she lives in a town where a beer costs $150 ... then I think you were totally justified in this.

kimnelson09 · September 2009

Ditto Tide. Knowing about the wedding in advance and having 2 days to fork up a few hundred are completely different things. You still have 10 months until your wedding. I was ENGAGED for 10 months. Strangely, none of my BMs were running around naked on the day of. Huh. I really hope that you lose your friend over this because you have zero empathy for her situation and are a pretty crappy friend. Being a bride doesn't entitle you to treat the people in your life like crap. Stop thinking that it does and you might not lose the rest of them, too. She's better off without people like you in her life. That's not mean...that's just the truth.

GulfCoaster · September 2009

I know you said "mean replies aren't necessary," but you need one, dearie. Seriously, get over yourself. This is *not* an offense for which you should kick a BM out of your wedding. I understand that she's been flaky in the past, and I understand that you told the BMs three months ago that you'd be ordering dresses in September.BUT.She's lost her job. She doesn't have a paycheck. Being broke is something that is deeply embarrassing, which is why many people won't even admit they're in financial trouble until the bank forecloses. She appears to have gone to the dress appointment, seen the price of the dress, and then realized that she couldn't afford it. Once reality struck her in the form of that price tag, she sent you a text letting you know her situation. Give her a break.

swans alive · September 2009

You've never been so angry at her, all because of a dress? If I'm understanding this correctly, she didn't necessarily NEED to order the dress with the rest of the group, just that she should've in order to get the discount, right? Well, couldn't you have just ordered the rest of the dresses and then left it on her to buy the dress at a later date? Or bought it yourself and let her pay you back gradually? $20 here, $15 there until it's all paid back. I get that she's a flake -- if you've known her for so long, you shouldn't have expected her to be anything other than a flake, regardless of her "trying" to change. I'm sure she has many other great qualities, but flakiness is something that is hard to change -- much like being overly anal-retentive. Once it's ingrained in you, it's hard to change your ways. I'm glad she took it graciously, but really, you should be ashamed of yourself. It was worth potentially ruining a friendship over a group discount on a dress? And you think SHE was in the wrong? Also, you have no right to judge how she spends her money -- I was unemployed for many months a few years back, and I was up to my ears in debt and frightened out of my mind...but I still scrounged and set aside $20 here and there for drinks with friends because it was literally the only thing keeping me sane during that time in my life. A friendship is worth so much more than a piece of expensive cloth.

zitiqueen · September 2009

Yes, I knew that she was flakey and should have considered that when asking her. That was my mistake. But I'm tired of her always saying that she is going to do something and then not following through.This has been happening for 8 years, not just since the summer or earlier in the year. In the past 3 years I've seen her twice and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part.This whole clusterfuck_is entirely your fault and none of hers. She's just being who she's always been -- the person you've always known her to be. Just like wedding rings don't contain magic fairy dust that turn jerkwad FIs into warm, caring, supportive non-jerkwad DHs, the title of "bridemaid" doesn't turn flaky friends into Wonder Women who devote their entire lives and incomes to your stupid wedding.This is all on you.

SpanishMandi · September 2009

Let me get this straight. You pick out dresses, call up your friend who you know damn good and well is out of a job and demand that she fork over hundreds of dollars for a dress on ridiculously short notice, and she's the bad guy? I don't mean this to be mean, but you kinda suck. First: Your friend is out of a job. Regardless of whether she's living at home, being laid off or out of work sucks. Things like student loans, cell phone bills, credit card bills, gas bills, and basic expenses don't just go away because you're laid off. Your lack of empathy for her situation is sorely lacking at best. Second: You knew she was flaky. You expected this to just all of a sudden change because of your wedding? Hon, I had a BM who didn't order their dresses until a month before the wedding. That was a little frustrating, but it worked out just fine. I didn't expect my scatterbrained friend to suddenly not be scatterbrained because I was getting married. It's called accepting people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Third, and most importantly: Your priorities are seriously screwed up. Seriously. I thought the entire point of asking someone to be in your wedding was to have your friend stand up for you at your wedding. You know, because they're your friend, not because you want some pretty model for a dress, a willless servant and a pretty face in your pictures. Sweetheart, I was engaged for eleven months. Like kimnelson, no one was running around naked on the day of the wedding. Grow up, realize that this is one day, and for heaven's sake apologize to your friend and plead a momentary case of bridezilla insanity.

gone_awry · September 2009

Your level of self importance is astonishing.

Just Kicked Out a BM..vent (sort of), and kind of long

Re: Just Kicked Out a BM..vent (sort of), and kind of long

Choose Another Board

Search Boards