After telling everyone the happy news of our engagement this past August, I recieved a call from an old childhood friend. Having not heard from her since our junior year in highschool I chit-chatted with her for a while and agreed to meet her from lunch since she has recently moved back into the area. After crying and telling me she is so lonely and has no friends anymore she then puts me on the spot and asks me if she can be my maid of honor-- or at least a bridesmaid! I felt like I was put in such a terrible position I could only nervously blurt out , "well i don't know, we will have to see." . Now its almost February.... we are getting married in July, and I just caught news that she is telling everyone that she is in my wedding. To make things worse, she wont quit calling non stop offering to "design" my wedding partys jewelry (that looks like a five year old assembled)... telling me that my best friend and maid of honor isn't the right choice and that she should be my maid of honor instead... ontop of telling me we can't go shopping for bridesmaid dresses until she drops weight, and that certain dresses wont be allowed because they wont look right on her and "everyone will be looking at her so she has to look good". I feel terrrible for letting it go on this long, but I guess I just feel awful that I have to tell her I can't have her in the wedding. I barely know her anymore and she is just entirely too overbearing. I am sure people think I am awful, but I have just been put in a bad position. So its either, I settle and let her in the wedding and sacrifice my day for her happiness or I be selfish and tell her she can't be in the wedding. I really need advice.
Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP
[QUOTE]After telling everyone the happy news of our engagement this past August, I recieved a call from an old childhood friend. Having not heard from her since our junior year in highschool I chit-chatted with her for a while and agreed to meet her from lunch since she has recently moved back into the area. After crying and telling me she is so lonely and has no friends anymore she then puts me on the spot and asks me if she can be my maid of honor-- or at least a bridesmaid! I felt like I was put in such a terrible position I could only nervously blurt out , "well i don't know, we will have to see." . Now its almost February.... we are getting married in July, and I just caught news that she is telling everyone that she is in my wedding. To make things worse, she wont quit calling non stop offering to "design" my wedding partys jewelry (that looks like a five year old assembled)... telling me that my best friend and maid of honor isn't the right choice and that she should be my maid of honor instead... ontop of telling me we can't go shopping for bridesmaid dresses until she drops weight, and that certain dresses wont be allowed because they wont look right on her and "everyone will be looking at her so she has to look good". I feel terrrible for letting it go on this long, but I guess I just feel awful that I have to tell her I can't have her in the wedding. I barely know her anymore and she is just entirely too overbearing. I am sure people think I am awful, but I have just been put in a bad position. So its either, I settle and let her in the wedding and sacrifice my day for her happiness or I be selfish and tell her she can't be in the wedding. I really need advice.
Posted by barnettvrobel[/QUOTE]
The next time she says something say "I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding, but you're not a part of the wedding party."
Yeah, your "friend" is behaving like a douche, but this is your fault for letting this go on so long. I can understand that you were caught off your guard the first time she asked, but it's been months now, that excuse is long since expired. Grow a backbone and let her know that she's not a BM.
And it's probably time to decide whether you still even want to be friends with this chick.
I would avoid wedding talk at all with her, and again if she asks why just change the subject but I think you need to clear the air with her.
If you don't want her in your WP you don't have to have her, but I think you need to make sure she knows what is really going on.
that's the thing. i haven't talked to her since the first lunch date. she sends texts and voice messages and e-mails... none of which i respond to. She has even took pictures of the outside of my house and posted them on her facebook. I told her who was in my wedding party and she acted as if she were joking about being in the party. The problem is that she has been telling family members when she sees them in passing that she is involved in the wedding. The offers to be a brides maid or maid of honor...and to design my jewlrey were all (as i thought) kind gestures.... in which I had declined. I have just found out through a friend who happens to be one of her co-workers that she really thinks she is involved. So the fact of the matter isn't that I lack a back bone..... its just that now that i know- I don't know how to go about it. But I do appreciate the advice. I just had a baby in December so my time and my mind has been on bigger things. Thank you for the advice.
[QUOTE]She was rude to ask to be in your wedding party. But this is not entirely her fault. You have allowed her to think she is a bm for 5 months, now. If she has discussed the bm dresses, jewelry and various wedding topics and you have not corrected her misconception in 5 months, then you have a bm, by default. So if you tell her, now, that she is not in your wedding party, you are essentially firing a bm. Now, that is rude.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
I tend to agree with this. You had all the times she talked to you about dress shopping to tell her she wasn't a maid. There's an old saying I always remember , "if it doesn't make sense, then it isn't true." Your response followed by her behavior doesn't make sense, so are you sure you told her we'll see? or did you tell her okay? You're not a weak person if you told her okay. Most people cave when put on the spot like that because most people can't handle the awkwardness of saying no; which is why it's considered so rude to ask to be in someone's BP. Your friend sounds like a piece of work, but if you've let her believe she's in your BP for this long, you are essentially firing a BM.
[QUOTE]that's the thing. i haven't talked to her since the first lunch date. she sends texts and voice messages and e-mails... none of which i respond to. <strong> She has even took pictures of the outside of my house and posted them on her facebook.</strong> I told her who was in my wedding party and she acted as if she were joking about being in the party. The problem is that she has been telling family members when she sees them in passing that she is involved in the wedding. The offers to be a brides maid or maid of honor...and to design my jewlrey were all (as i thought) kind gestures.... in which I had declined. I have just found out through a friend who happens to be one of her co-workers that she really thinks she is involved. So the fact of the matter isn't that I lack a back bone..... its just that now that i know- I don't know how to go about it. But I do appreciate the advice. I just had a baby in December so my time and my mind has been on bigger things. Thank you for the advice.
Posted by barnettvrobel[/QUOTE]
What? She sounds kinda crazy,
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i clearly told her "I will have to see". Then, after ignoring odd voice mails about dress shopping, and jewlry designing she kind of went away. I haven't talked to her since the day she asked to be in the wedding. I figured not ever responding to her was the best way... ontop of that I figured after talking to her co-worker (who happens to be a BM) that she would understand that my WP was already chose. But I truely feel I am dealing with a different breed. I have never discussed theme, dresses, our venue, or even colors with her. She has simply just left voicemails saying " if you decided to go dress shopping remember I don't look good in a sweetheart cut dress"....or "i make jewlrey, i can make the wedding partys for you"...or "what date are you getting married?"oh and my favorite voice mail of "you can't have your rehersal the day before the wedding because i can't take two days off in a row".-- that one i just recieved, thus bringing this all to my attention that she is actually serious- and i never responded. the only thing she was informed of is at the only lunch we had together, I told her my bestfriend was flying in to be my MOH. I never once said, sure be in my wedding. I haven't talked to her in years... and with one phone conversation and one lunch she has created this idea that she is involved. This has just all been brought to my attention....so if I had knew 5 months ago-- I would have made it more clear. But now that I know she has been thinking this for that long without my knowing.... I haven't the slightest clue as to how to tell her. I will though, i'm not a monster.
[QUOTE]that's the thing. i haven't talked to her since the first lunch date. <span style="font-weight:bold;">she sends texts and voice messages and e-mails... none of which i respond to.</span> She has even took pictures of the outside of my house and posted them on her facebook. I told her who was in my wedding party and she acted as if she were joking about being in the party. The problem is that<span style="font-weight:bold;"> she has been telling family members when she sees them in passing that she is involved in the wedding. </span> <span style="font-weight:bold;">The offers to be a brides maid or maid of honor</span>...and to design my jewlrey were all (as i thought) kind gestures.... in which I had declined. <span style="font-weight:bold;"> I have just found out through a friend who happens to be one of her co-workers that she really thinks she is involved.</span> So the fact of the matter isn't that I lack a back bone..... its just that now that i know- I don't know how to go about it. But I do appreciate the advice. I just had a baby in December so my time and my mind has been on bigger things. Thank you for the advice.
Posted by barnettvrobel[/QUOTE]
I really do feel sorry for you.You were probably trying not to hurt feelings and that's why you didn't respond to those e-mails. But you should have set her straight each time she sent those messages.
I really don't know what to tell you because I think your friend sounds a little crazy and isn't going to deal well with the rejection notice. Does she have a history of this type of behaviour? Why did she post pictures of your house on face book?
[QUOTE]It sounds like you weren't in touch with her for a while, before your wedding. I would block her on facebook, and completely cut her off. If she psycho calls you, I would tell her that the speed and intensity of the relationship made you feel uncomfortable. Sort of like a breakup.
Posted by sb9411[/QUOTE]
you've come on too strong, i need some space
[QUOTE]File a restraining order.........seriously
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]
<div>No doubt, this girl sounds like she needs some serious counseling. </div>
[QUOTE]I think this might be the one time I suggest making a person a guest book attendant. Dear mother of god, she sounds like a nutter.
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]
Are you kidding? I wouldn't even want to invite this psycho chick to the wedding. She's posted pictures of your house on FB???? That's CREEPY. She sounds like a stalker. I think you need to "break up" with her.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Obsessive Friend, HELP : you've come on too strong, i need some space
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]
<div>It's not me, it's you. </div>
I'd never advise firing someone who is a bridesmaid - or at least thinks they are a bridesmaid - but this woman sounds completely and utterly unstable. First things first, as PP mentioned, make sure to collect any evidence of her harrassing communication w/ you together, just in case you need a restraining order.
Secondly, you need to call her up or email her and explain this VERY CLEARLY. Normally I'd say meet for coffee and try to be nice with a face-to-face meet, but this person does sound crazy, taking pictures of your house when she's barely seen you. Tell you that you've told her before who your bridesmaids are, she is not part of the wedding party, and frankly I would tell her that her behavior is scaring me. Tell her to please not contact you any more. Leave it at that. Call your WP and parents and WARN THEM. Tell them if she approachs them about any wedding related info, that they are not to give her ANY info AT ALL. You don't want this girl running out and buying the same dress as the rest of your BMs and showing up. I would let your WP and family know exactly the kind of crazy things shes been doing so that they aren't tempted to be nice to her; as you were when you politely tried to deflect the BM question originally. If you have a wedding planner/event manager, get a picture of this girl to them so that she can be escorted out if she shows up. Block her on facebook and lock up your profile as friends only & unsearchable so that she can't just join another network under an alias and see your profile. Being polite has it's limits - one of them being when your friend goes all Single White Female on you, you can put pleasantries to the side.
Good luck!