Haven't had one of these in a while

handfast4me · February 2011

So, I've been on the board here for several years, as some of the other OMH (Old Married Hags) have been, too.

Every few months, we would get someone who wanders over her by accident; either she is going for a vow renewal 2 months after her JOP wedding because she didn't get her pretty pretty princess day, or some just accidentally post here, thinking they'd clicked on another board.

When we inform them of their error, it always turns into "I'm only going to get married ONCE, you bitter old hags! No wonder your first husbands divorced you!" And then the all encompassing "You don't know me!"

We're about due for one of those since we haven't had one in a while (unless we have and I missed it, because I'm not as regular as I once was.) I'll give 'em one thing though, those posters do tend to unite the board. :-P

ichellemay1 · February 2011

I do not understand how a second wedding (as in I was married before and lost my spouse, divorced and am getting remarried) can possibly be confused with what is essentially a vow renewal/reception. My brain just doesn't work that way, I guess.

If someone ever calls me a bitter old hag and says that's why my ex divorced me - they are in for a serious dressing down. 1) I divorced him and 2) I am not bitter at all - happier than I've ever been. Also, I don't consider myself old.

handfast4me · February 2011

ichelle, that's EXACTLY our thoughts!

ichellemay1 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_havent-one-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9c194385-28a2-4ada-85ee-286d2aeb9e3cPost:691e5901-fabf-4dfc-a2eb-486cd83e9ed6">Re: Haven't had one of these in a while</a>:
[QUOTE]ichelle, that's EXACTLY our thoughts!
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />

AbbeyS2011 · February 2011

Thanks handfast - now we will get a flood of those postings LOL

Keeps life interesting, doesn't it?

I am on my month board daily, and I hate to admit it, but I sometimes wonder - who will end up a statistic? I am hoping none of them do, but we all know that sometimes things do not go the way we plan them to.

A dear friend of mine I have known since high school told me the story about her grandmother, who had been married 3 times, and had 2 kids with each husband. I got to meet her grandmother, a dear sweet lady, and I asked her about her husbands. She told me this: Honey, the first one died on me, the second I kicked his ass to the curb, and the third one died on me too! Now I am looking for #4 (with a smile on her face)! Gotta love someone like that.

Your post made me think of this story for some reason........

handfast4me · February 2011

I don't actually mind the "do-overs" in certain circumstances (military being one of them--they've sacrificed enough. ESPECIALLY the families, who get all of the grief but none of the glory.) But it's the attitude that drives me beserk. And in my experience, the military folks don't have that "I deserve MY PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS DAY" that I've encountered, nor the "you don't know me!"

handfast4me · February 2011

Retread, here's the difference: If you're NOT married when your loved one deploys, you don't have ANY of the rights. The military does not recognize fiances. So, if the military member is killed in the line of duty, then the fiance doesn't get ANYTHING. Not the insurance, not the health benefits, and not even the say over where he or she is laid to rest.   Heck, you can't even enter most military installations without the dependant card, which means you also can't use the commisary and the Px or Bx or AFx whether your fi is there or not!   And there are probably plenty of other things that I can't think of right now.

My sister is a Lt. Col, and I am the wife of a retired soldier, and the former wife of an active duty soldier, I can tell you that there are TONS of differences between civilians and military dependants. I had the toughest job in the Army, Army WIFE. It sucks, to put it mildly. You don't have stripes on your a$$ so you don't get the perks, but you get all the crap. Literally. Base housing is horrific, and there are even rules on when you can put up your holiday decorations and when you have to take them down, even though the dependant is not in the service! Many installations won't allow you to own animals if you're in base housing.

For these and a THOUSAND other reasons, I say that if a military member wants and NEEDS to have a quick ceremony before deployment, and the celebrate afterwards with their families, that is an entirely different scenario than someone wanting "their day."    And the main reason is because of the sacrifices that a military family has made to me, you, and everyone else in this country.

fireytiger · February 2011

Well, I admit, with my first husband I was 17 and wanted to have the wedding i'm getting now in round 2 (simple, with our closest family and friends there, about 50 people). But he was military and had me literally CONVINCED that the only way we could do it was to go see the JOP during his 2 weeks of being a "recruiter's assistant" in my hometown, or else I wouldn't see him again for like 3 years. And he convinced me that it was okay to not have a wedding with all of our family and friends to watch, because "we could just have a vow renewal later". I HATED the way my first marriage happened, I always regretted it because nobody I loved and cared for was there to witness it.

Also, FI and I have talked about having a private vow renewal in a couple years, just a small thing outside in autumn with a few people in attendance, not something with all the pomp and circumstance that a "wedding" has. No idea if we'll do it or not, but it's been mentioned.

I don't object to vow renewals, if you REALLY want to renew your vows over and over then more power to you, but I don't think a vow renewal should be an over the top affair either.

awayagain · February 2011

yeah, not being military and thinking you know what it's like is akin to never having a child yet claiming you know what labor feels like because you've had cramps.

handfast4me · February 2011

AwayAgain: totally with you on that one. I've had many women tell me that they "know what it's like" to be a military dependant because their DH is a veteran. These are women whose husbands served only 4 years, before they met. Uh, no TOTALLY different thing.

And I did think of one more thing. A military member can actually be prosecuted in the service for having sex prior to our outside a marriage. It is a hard, hard, life.

right1thistime · February 2011

I will merely add that there are some things that get a free pass from me, and vow renewals which are held to celebrate a marriage that occurred quickly due to military deployment are one thing that does.

Everyone who rushes to have a quick ceremony has a reason. Some have to do with impatience, passion, pregnancy, illness, or finances. With every choice comes a consequence.

For the couple who is sending one member (husband OR wife) off to a situation where they may die in noble service to our country--and who choose to part as a married pair-- they get a buy from me. ~Donna

P.S. -- LOOK UP

handfast4me · February 2011

Retread, no one ever called anyone stupid about this, at least not in my quick re-read of the posts here.

But not ever having been in that person's shoes means that that person DOESN'T KNOW what it's like to be a military spouse. My first husband was given 24 hours notice in one case before he was deployed. There was no way we could even have been married by a JOP with anyone present at that time.

No one said that the benefits were a new concept, but I don't think a lot of people realize until they're told that this exists. Just like the rules about sex outside of marriage. I've seen serviced members get courtmartialed for that activity. There are also lots of other rules. Get a divorce from a service member? You only have rights to the retirement and keeping the medical insurance under very specific circumstances. And no divorce court judge can overrule that. I've known women who were asked for a divorce by their husbands 2 WEEKS before they retired, and were left with nothing, after 20 - 30 years of sacrifices. So, if these women want a day to celebrate with their families, then I will wish them the best, thank them for their service, and continue to hope that they remain unharmed.

You're welcome to have your opinions, but we have ours as well.

awayagain · February 2011

Sounds like Retread took an extra dose of her bitterness pill today.....

2dBride · February 2011

I actually give three categories of people a pass on having a "wedding" when they are already married:

• Military who need to get married quickly before one spouse is deployed.
• Immigrants who never know when the fiancé(e) visa will be issued, but have to get married within 90 days after it is.
• Same-sex couples who only have a few states in which they can get legally married, but want to be able to celebrate with family and friends in some other state. (No, we didn't do that, but I sympathize with those who do.)

In all three instances, it may not be the "pretty princess day" the couple wants, but the same ability to celebrate with family and friends that other couples take for granted. And so long as they are open with their guests about what is going on, and do it as soon as practicable after the legal marriage, I don't see how anyone is hurt by it.

That being said, I do wonder about vow renewals in general. Last I checked, the vows don't have an expiration date.

fireytiger · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_havent-one-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9c194385-28a2-4ada-85ee-286d2aeb9e3cPost:887c583a-4e1e-4f2a-b30b-290bc0be14bb">Re: Haven't had one of these in a while</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like Retread took an extra dose of her bitterness pill today.....
Posted by awayagain[/QUOTE]

Who are you? And why do you keep coming here and insulting the mod of this forum? Just for kicks? You only have two posts. If you don't have something constructive to say or to add to this topic, and all you want to do is make nasty comments to retread, then stop posting in this topic.

right1thistime · February 2011

2d - I had not thought of the 2nd and 3rd reasons you listed, and would support both of them as well. Thanks for enlightening me. ~Donna

awayagain · February 2011

oooh, fireytiger, you ARE a firey one, aren't you?
Not to worry, dear, I've been around for quite some time, and it's become friendly fireworks between Retread and some of us old timers. She knows that, and now you do, too.

handfast4me · February 2011

Uh, Fireytiger, it's interesting that no one else is agreeing with her. And Retread wrote some mistruths in her statement. No one called her or anyone else in this thread stupid. That was HER statement due to the interpretation SHE made from the posts. It's OK to have disagreements. The error in her ways is saying something that didn't happen.

2d--those are excellent reasons, too, and I hadn't even given those a thought.

And for the record, I'm OK with honeymoon registries, too. :-) I've come to a place where I know so many couples that have everything they need, so a honeymoon registry would be a GREAT place for me to gve something they WANT. To me, it's no different than any other type of registry. Guests have a CHOICE of what they want to give, if anything at all, so to me it's no different. Although I have to admit that at first I didn't like the idea because the concept was so new to me.

fireytiger · February 2011

I was just commenting on the "Retread's taking extra bitter pills today", I thought it was rude and I was confused as to why she was posting that if it wasn't to just be mean and/or negative. I didn't say there wasn't a disagreement, or a misunderstanding here. I just didn't feel there was a need for that, that's all. Sorry if I stepped on some toes. It's just that usually when I see that kind of stuff happening on the other international forums, it usually indicates it's going to take a turn for the worse, especially when it's someone who (from all I knew) only had like 2 or 3 posts.

awayagain · February 2011

Don't sweat it - it's just a bit of fun.....

SharranMatt · February 2011

I think there is a HUGE difference between Military and teachers.

Im with Handfast all the way on this one.

awayagain · February 2011

Well, I didn't think it was funny, awayagain.

You never do, Retread. You never do. That's part of what makes it so funny! Thanks for reminding me, as well, to start taking my bitter pills. My h has had it way too good being married to me. Time to switch things up a bit!

awayagain · February 2011

lol! Good one! And certainly not what I would expect from a lady such as yourself. I'm shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED!

thealphabride · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_havent-one-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9c194385-28a2-4ada-85ee-286d2aeb9e3cPost:1782c11e-ba9f-45f3-996f-f44219bfad47">Re: Haven't had one of these in a while</a>:
[QUOTE]They taste really good with rat poison.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the belly laugh!

2dBride · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_havent-one-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9c194385-28a2-4ada-85ee-286d2aeb9e3cPost:8993e949-e2cc-4ade-a8ff-b2eedb9aafe8">Re: Haven't had one of these in a while</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, and perhaps unfortunately, it IS possible in some places to get married within 24 hours.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]We got married within 24 hours after applying for the license. Massachusetts theoretically has a three-day waiting period. However, it is relatively easy to get a waiver. We just explained that we were from Maryland, and hadn't been able to stop by a city hall in Massachusetts to apply earlier. And of course, we had actually met (and even been planning our wedding) long before then.

We did joke, though, that the court was going to ask two questions before deciding whether to grant the waiver:

1. Are you currently drunk?
2. If the answer to the first question is yes, did you actually meet this person and decide to get married <em>before</em> you got drunk?

fireytiger · February 2011

LOL 2dbride! "Well your honor, I wasn't DRUNK per se, but I'd been drinking a beer when we decided it and might have been a little buzzed, does that count?"

Also, while we're on the topic of vow renewals, I know it's in rather poor taste to have an over the top faux wedding after eloping. But what do y'all think about having the big over the top affair first, and then later on down the road just having a small get-together and renewing your vows, with just you both, an "officiant", and maybe just parents or something? Would you still consider that frowned upon, as long as they weren't trying to pass it off as a wedding?

right1thistime · February 2011

I think that reserved meaningful personal vow renewals are acceptable either after a significant amount of time has passed (25 years, for example) or after a significant event (a seperation, or some other major disruption as a couple) as well as the others we talked about. ~Donna

ETA: too early in the morning to proofread

awayagain · February 2011

Firey, that type of vow renewal is perfect...

awayagain · February 2011

How did the rat poison post get moved like that? Weird

fireytiger · February 2011

The forums glitched again last night, and was showing the "last post" was made negative some-odd minutes ago (aka, in the fuuuuuuture! lol) and so any replies that were made until the time corrected itself and started going forward again, ended up in a funky place.

fireytiger · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_havent-one-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9c194385-28a2-4ada-85ee-286d2aeb9e3cPost:528c7d0b-2fa3-460e-b60b-9332322d6583">Re: Haven't had one of these in a while</a>:
[QUOTE]Forget the rat poison....I'm told antifreeze tastes really sweet. Gotta remember to double my Bitterness Pills. I'm about to turn 47, and it takes a higher dose to maintain Old Hag status. Vow renewals. Friends "renew" their vows every year. Sometimes they have an officiant (such as in Vegas) but most often they don't. Sometimes they have guests, usually they don't. They've renewed their vows to each other at the Grand Canyon, the Great Barrier Reef, and in front of the Kremlin. It's about reaffirming that they're eager to spend another year together, not a big party.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Wow, that sounds fun! Although renewing the vows every year was more often than I'd had in mind with my question, the manner in which they do it was the way I was referring to; having a small thing with a couple people, maybe an officiant if desired, to reaffirm your love for each other. I like that idea. :)

Haven't had one of these in a while

Re: Haven't had one of these in a while

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